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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I right? Is he right? Really finding it hard atm

39 replies

emkana · 15/09/2007 20:05

Dh and I are not getting on well atm. Basically the issue is that he thinks there's not enough sex going on (which there isn't), whereas I have a real issue with the fact that I hardly ever get some undivided attention from him where we do nothing other than talk. He always has one ear/eye (at least, if not two) on a book/the TV/ the paper/the PC. His idea of a conversation is that I impart with information, mainly about the kids, he acknowledges it, finished. There's no "chewing the fat" or whatever the expression is.(It was different in the past, even though he's never been a great talker) He thinks I expect too much and that after so many years (13) together and with three young children a relationship is just going to be like that. I'm not willing to accept that. Following on from that I don't feel like having sex at all, because I just don't feel acknowledged in any way, so why would I want to have sex with him? We've argued about the not talking thing sooooooooooo many times, but dh is either being completely pig-headed about it or promises change and then nothing happens. I dont' know where to go from here. Do I expect too much? Or is he wrong?

OP posts:

oregonianabroad · 15/09/2007 20:06

Do you ever leave the dcs and go on a 'date'?

oregonianabroad · 15/09/2007 20:08

I ask because i notice that i feel much more interested in my dh when we go out together without dcs. we have to pay a teenager £10 for the privelege and sometimes we just go for a coffee and read the paper together and avoid talking, but sometimes we really can re-connect, iyswim. Then, that connection seems to re-surface later under the covers as it were.

Original poster

emkana · 15/09/2007 20:10

We do go out for a meal about once every 2 or 3 months, but even then we're back home after an hour and a half, and I didn't feel much of a connection.

Dh just doesn't seem to be very interested in what I have to say, Xenia would say it's because I'm a SAHM...

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stitch · 15/09/2007 20:10

you are right
he is alo right

but then i'm so toatally the wrong person to advise about relationships.
personally, i'd rather have sex, than no sex. even bad sex is preferable to no sex.

mytwopenceworth · 15/09/2007 20:12

you've no doubt tried all this , but in case not....create situations where you can talk without distraction.

Pack the kids off (to relative, to bed, whatever). Make a meal/order. serve it at the table with the tv off, no papers etc, and instigate conversation. Even if it's just you at first, and he doesn't seem to be even listening! Talk as though he was!

Sit next to him on the sofa and ask him - how was your day - and listen to the answer, maybe ask a suplimentary question or 2.

Tell him about your day - not in a moaning way, but and light or funny things that have happened.

So on and so forth.

Show him how great talking can be, not by arguing and telling him what he's not doing right, but by nattering with him, iyswim.

Go on - you've done all that and he's ignored you! Men are buggers sometimes!

XcupcakemummyX · 15/09/2007 20:13

can i just a vote of sympathy

i have a three year old and a sixteen year old

dh and are from different backgrounds and religions

i do not know him any more

popsycal · 15/09/2007 20:18

Emkana - I could have written this about a year ago. We still don't talk massive amounts but have kid of resigned ourselves to the fact that we have 2 boys of 5 and under, one of whom rarely sleeps for more than a few hours consecutively.

We have been together for 10 years so a similar time frame. It took me ages to feel like 'getting back in the sack' but the more you try, the more you want to .

While the little ones are still little it is really hard to remember what it used to be like. DH used to resent the fact that things had changed and I used to resent the fact that he resented that life had changed. Just accepting things for how they are at the moment has helped enormously.

Original poster

emkana · 15/09/2007 20:18

I would be quite happy atm to never have sex again, ever.

OP posts:

SSSandy2 · 15/09/2007 20:23

Does he have a very stressful job, long working day? Dh does and having a conversation with him can be like pulling teeth. Actually I think extracting teeth could be more rewarding because you get a result.

He is just too tired after work to do much of anything and the same at the weekends. When we have gone out for an evening meal ,we have sometimes just sat there in SILENCE. I mean total silence. I have tried to get some kind of a conversation rolling and after getting no or dead-end answers I have just given up and wondered what the point is.

Maybe try going out with another couple so there is more chatting/interaction generally because he's in his social mode - and after that try and have a chat at home.

SSSandy2 · 15/09/2007 20:25

is it any different on holiday?

oregonianabroad · 15/09/2007 20:26

Just with dh or with anyone?

popsycal · 15/09/2007 20:26

emkana - I used to feel like that tbh. I was so bloody tired.

Original poster

emkana · 15/09/2007 20:28

With anyone really.

OP posts:

Original poster

emkana · 15/09/2007 20:28

We were on holiday a couple of weeks ago and we did get on better then, still didn't talk much but played card games in the evening which was quite companionable

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BecauseImWorthIt · 15/09/2007 20:29

It's a perennial dilemma - women need to be loved before they want sex, men need sex to feel loved!

Both of you have to make some compromises, IMO. Sex is obviously important to him and attention is obviously important to you.

Why not plan an evening - get the kids palmed off somewhere else! - where sex is clearly on the agenda.

Make sure that when he comes home the tv/pc doesn't go on. Cook a lovely meal, bottle of wine (Champagne if you can run to it) and then let things take their course. Even if not much conversation happens before you take him to bed, you can use the closeness afterwards to chat.

If you could manage a weekend together then this would be even better!

It really is worth investing in your relationship like this - and for both of you to understand that you have different needs that can be easily reconciled.

popsycal · 15/09/2007 20:30

There are too many distractions at home. I am considering a 'no tv, no PC, no going out' evening once a week. When there are none of those things, we can talk and talk. If there is a tv or pc in sight, it does not happen.

popsycal · 15/09/2007 20:31

You see, I would say to plan an evening without sex being on the agenda and take the pressure off.....

Original poster

emkana · 15/09/2007 20:31

I hate the constant expecation of "when are we finally going to do it again" It always hangs in the air...

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SittingBull · 15/09/2007 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BecauseImWorthIt · 15/09/2007 20:37

Yes, but one of you will have to break the 'stalemate'!

By depriving your dh of sex you will be making him feel that you don't love him. And believe me, I've been there, got the t-shirt.

You have both got into the habit of pushing each other away. You are doing it with sex and he is doing it with intimacy of a different kind.

Original poster

emkana · 15/09/2007 20:38

What annoys me though is that in the initial stages of the relationship dh wouldn't have expected to just come up to me and say "Let's do it" and then jump straight into it, there would have been some effort involved, whereas now he thinks that's the way to get some, and nothing turns me off more!

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oregonianabroad · 15/09/2007 20:42

I know what you mean!
I'd say, spend a day pamering yourself first, then, when you're really relaxed, try to connect with him in a nonsexual way first (like popsycal suggested -- she usually has sensible advice, btw)

Original poster

emkana · 15/09/2007 21:52

A day pampering myself... can't see that happen very soon, with three young children... sigh...

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oregonianabroad · 16/09/2007 12:01

What if you suggested to him that half a day on your own might put you in the mood later, wouldn't he be able to, say, take them to the park and get them in bed while you had a new hair cut/went swimming/ did some yoga/ had a coffee /took a bath/ (insert relaxing grown-up activity)?

Original poster

emkana · 16/09/2007 21:10

The thing is to go through the day thinking "tonight we'll have to do the deed" already puts a serious dampener on my mood, seems like a chore then.

I wish it would just evolve one night out of time spent together nicely

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