Am I right? Is he right? Really finding it hard atm

[emkana]

Dh and I are not getting on well atm. Basically the issue is that he thinks there's not enough sex going on (which there isn't), whereas I have a real issue with the fact that I hardly ever get some undivided attention from him where we do nothing other than talk. He always has one ear/eye (at least, if not two) on a book/the TV/ the paper/the PC. His idea of a conversation is that I impart with information, mainly about the kids, he acknowledges it, finished. There's no "chewing the fat" or whatever the expression is.(It was different in the past, even though he's never been a great talker) He thinks I expect too much and that after so many years (13) together and with three young children a relationship is just going to be like that. I'm not willing to accept that. Following on from that I don't feel like having sex at all, because I just don't feel acknowledged in any way, so why would I want to have sex with him? We've argued about the not talking thing sooooooooooo many times, but dh is either being completely pig-headed about it or promises change and then nothing happens. I dont' know where to go from here. Do I expect too much? Or is he wrong?

Maybe do a hobby together, or do something new, even if you are both crap at it...maybe just see each other in a new light, be friends again good luck!!

Emkana, are you me?

No answers from me. Just sympathy. Frankly I'm just not bothered by sex at all (in spite of the fact that dh does it very well )and a good book snuggled down in the duvet always seems so much more appealing than all that puffing and panting.

After many rows and heart to hearts with dh I suppose I have decided that it matters an awful lot to him so I should make an effort to participate with a bit more gusto. If it was something that mattered that much to me I would expect dh to make a similar effort for me.

In your case if your dh isn't doing his bit with the conversation though I can understand why the whole idea is unappealing.

As I said, no answers...

Making any headway with him, emkana?

If I think DH isn't listening to me during a conversation I murmur "fancy a blow job" - if he responds I tell him "you f*cking heard THAT didn't you?? You only get one IF you listen to me properly, we actually have a discussion about this and you give me some attention"....

It works....occasionally!

lol iklboo

Dh is making an effort and things are a bit more cordial around here atm, we'll have to see how things develop.

Thanks for all advice/experiences

Emkana there's a really irritating bit which I suspect may have a grain of truth in the book 'Men are from Mars'. The male author reckons that the best time to talk to your man is after sex. When he's happy and relaxed he'll be more interested in listening.

Doling out/withholding sex as reward for 'good' behaviour is soul destroying. But totally understandable. Really sympathise and hope things get better for you.

It's not a case of withholding it because of lack of good behaviour, it's just that I don't fancy it at all when things are rubbish, and not even that much when things are good.

Much empathy here for your situ - I often feel same way.

As you are a sahm atm Emkana (so am i) it can have some bearing on your need for dh to provide adult conversation.

I know that when dh and I were both working and living in London I had work/ friends to provide stimulating conv. etc and therefore evenings could be about companionable silences etc. while we wound down from our days 'at the office'. Now we are in the sticks I don't know anyone and I have 2 kids under 4 the pressure is on dh to talk.

He wants a quiet nght with the pc and i want adult conversation. I resent him for wanting sex w/out having to wine and dine me first. He feels rejected. Not good.

We have resolved to spend one night out together a month doing something we both enjoy pictures, a gig dinner whatever and then I feel more romantically disposed and everyone is happy(ish).

I am resolved to find an alternative to provide the mental stimulation I need, work, study, something.... again this will help make me less resentful.

you are not alone in your feelings emkana.

Yes, I didn't mean to suggest you were doing that exactly, but thought you hinted that if you felt more loved and wanted and appreciated you might fancy sex more. You don't say how old your dc's are but maybe with general exhaustion there's no reason for you to feel like sex. We've got 3 dcs as well, and for a time I thought I didn't care about it, but now they're older, I'm feeling more attractive myself etc the impulse has come back again.

curious cat - the worst time to talk to a man is after sex surely - ime there is sommat about orgasm that makes the buggers want to go to sleep(christ is it megrin])

Yes bigmouth I agree, maybe the knack is to catch them before they start snoring! Or maybe the writer just wrote it as a trick to get laid, which is what I've always suspected

" I hardly ever get some undivided attention from him where we do nothing other than talk"

Scarily familiar emkana. How are you supposed to want to have sex with someone who hasn't addressed a word to you for 3 days? That wasn't about work or kids. I have a RR for that ! I want a relationship, which in most human beings involves interacting on an intellectual level as well. For a while we had regular nights out (well a few hours) but I knew that sex was on the cards no matter how well the evening had gone - it was a sort of payback. And it spoiled things for me a little. It takes time to get the connection back. I guess DH feels that it's the other way round. Perhaps yours does too?

"He thinks I expect too much and that after so many years (13) together and with three young children a relationship is just going to be like that" That sentence could apply just as well to sex couldn't it?

we went through a bad patch, think it was last year, tbh it all blends into one (!) and we made a huge effort to talk more of an evening, sit on the same sofa, not read all evening etc

do you go to bed at the same time? I like to go to bed at around 10pm (due to dd2 being a crap sleeper), dh is more midnight so we compromised occasionally and went to bed at the same time

we get on vvvvvv well atm so there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just BOTH have to try and work at it