Eating habits and moving in together

[wonderingwanderer2]

My partner and I are planning to move in together once lockdown is over - we decided not to do it now as I am a keyworker and don't want to risk giving the virus to him. We have been together for 18 months and things are generally great. Of course we argue from time to time, but who doesn't?

He is 31 and I am 29. We have both lived alone for a very long time and are quite set in our ways so I am a bit worried about how things will go. My main concern though, and this may seem trivial but I think it is important in day-to-day life, is eating habits.

Whereas I like to eat regularly and often, he is happy with 3 large meals a day. I like to eat reasonably healthily but he doesn't eat any (!) fruit although he will have veg. I prefer to buy reduced fat butter, mayo, yogurts etc whereas he doesn't and when he cooks he uses lots of oil and butter whereas I would tend to avoid these foods as a general rule.

With such different eating habits, how do we live together harmoniously? I don't want him to resent me for choosing to buy the lower fat options at an additional cost to the things he would usually buy (I would be moving into his place) yet equally I don't necessarily want to have to eat the full-fat versions (weight has been an issue for me in the past).

Has anyone been in the same situation? How do you work this out? Am I worrying unnecessarily? I imagine some people must be in similar circumstances eg if one of you is veggie/vegan and the other isn't. Ideas and comments welcome!

You meal plan. You shop together. You both compromise because that’s what people do

@FabbyChix as he has lived on his own for so long I am wondering how compromising he will be able to be...

Just have two lots of butter and mayonnaise.
Buy fruit and eat fruit.
Meal plan for your meals.

I don't agree that is the norm to argue though. If you are concerned about moving in with him,then don't. Wait and see how things progress,

Compromise. Nevermind how compromising he will be, it sounds like you don't want to compromise either. I have to watch what I eat, dp doesn't. We still manage to cook meals every day. To be honest, low fat this, that and the other, isn't any good for you anyway. Have the full fat stuff, just less of it.

You can still have your own different foods, and meet in the middle somewhere. Me & DH would have our own breakfasts & lunches. And even dinners during the week.
At the weekend, we share more meals. I don’t eat much meat, less before I got married. But now I’ll have a bacon sambo, or if DH wants to do a chicken on Sunday, I’ll join in. He’ll get a good one from the local butcher. He eats more veggie stuff because of me, too.
Maybe you’ll be a good influence on him regards fruit, if it’s there he might eat it? If not, more for you! You can still eat little & often, that’s how I eat. The one big difference with us, is that DH mills the goodies. I can eat a couple of biscuits, whereas he demolishes the whole packet. Meaning I miss out, but hey, saves me the calories...

I’m a vegan and my husband doesn’t eat fruit or veg and has a very restricted diet due to food sensory issues. We tend to cook together at night on a similar theme - eg, burgers - I’ll have a vegan one with a salad, he’ll have meat. Or a homemade Chinese takeaway type dinner, both of us cooking our own ‘dish’ to go with rice. We always eat dinner together, and it actually works well because it means we’re often cooking in the kitchen together. It can be done

I think you're over thinking this! If you prefer to eat more often, then surely you'd have your low fat yogurts, fruit etc as snacks. It will make no difference then whether your partner likes them or not. Lots of couples eat quite different things for breakfast and lunch too. It's probably only really the main meal where it makes life easier if you both eat the same. A little bit of butter or oil for cooking won't make much difference to your weight then, and you can always have smaller portions, or more veg etc. Also if you take it in turns to cook, then every other meal would be cooked your way! I'm sure you'll work something out.

I think it's one of those things you just have to work out as you go along.. what do you do when you cook and eat together now?

DP and I have a variety of food intolerances/ethical stances/preferences (I'm veggie and prefer low fat, he has a load of intolerances, including dairy) but we muddle through.. often eat the same but not always, or we'll have similar but he'll have a meaty version.. you'll work it out

I wonder if he will be able to taste the difference at times, shopping might for him be driven by habit, we often grab the same pack week after week because it’s familiar etc. and price and taste is ok.
low fat is often not that discernible, as far as the lack of fruit goes, I’d simply buy my usual and not worry about him eating it or not.

My DP prefers olive oil margarine, I like butter. We just buy both.

Agree with others, meal plan together and buy your fruit!

Often my husband does a seperate crap shop of sweets, crisps and chocolate. He hides it from the children and I try not to find and eat any.
He always scolds the kids for eating too much sugar and then delves into his stash.
I have never seen him eat fruit or soup.
In the evenings I always have a salad on the dinner table and he may take a tablespoon of it. I try not to eat too many carbs and he trys to eat as many as possible.
Annoyingly it is me who has gained weight.

I imagine some people must be in similar circumstances eg if one of you is veggie/vegan

We're quite lucky in that I adore cooking, DP is indifferent to it and he's fucking dreadful at it if I'm honest

I'm vegan and quite a decent cook so he gets vegan meals made and he washes up. If he wants meat/dairy he's free to fetch it and cook it up himself but he can never be arsed so just eats my food!

Me and DH have different butters and mayo and it’s never been an issue. It’s not an additional cost if you’re both using your own.
We also have our own snacks which I see as a plus as I never go to the cupboard and find them all gone. He’s more like you in eating regularly and the only issue we sometimes have is what time to eat in the evening but we work around it. We have certain meals that we both eat together but also each have meals that the other one doesn’t like so on a night that he has a type of fish that I don’t like I’ll then have a chicken dish that he isn’t keen on; it works well for us and doesn’t often cause issues.

Keep two lots of butter spreads and if needed some separate drawers for other ingredients. You could grill your food while he fries his. I think in time he will probably come round to your way of doing things as most men go with the flow.

I’d like to add: You come across as condescending regarding his choices but your diet doesn’t sound on point either. You do realise that fat alone doesn’t make people fat?! Look at the sodium and sugar in the lower fat products compared to the full fat option. Fruit is full of sugar, it is preferable to juice because of the fibre it contains but you shouldn’t constantly be snacking on fruit. Raw veggies are preferable to fruit.

I think you‘ll both be fine living together but please don’t neg your partner over his diet when yours sounds a bit off, too.

My dh and I are like this but I do most of the cooking so I just don't use oil. He has butter I just don't he eats bread and crisps I leave them out. He only has my low fat type yogurts and generally follows a much lower fat diet now as he can't tolerate it as much. It did worry both of us but it just sort of works.

as he has lived on his own for so long I am wondering how compromising he will be able to be...

You would need to compromise too.

Why not map out what an average day would look like. What time you get up, what you eat and drink, when you shower, watch TV etc. Might help you see the possible pain points.

When my husband moved in with me he was on 6 meals a day serious body building diet. Ate a million calories. We have just done one meal together a day. I tend to do the weekday evening meal and he cooks at weekends. (Because he's a better cook than me).

He used to buy work lunches out, then started buying his food to take to work, now works from home but still buys his own food to use at lunch time. (I buy to the family budget....he wants to spend more...he likes the process so whatever).

We were also older when we moved in and it does take time to adjust as you are both so used to your own way of doing things. But as long as it's what you both want then you will make it work. Don't look to how other people do things and expect it to be the same.....just find your own solutions that work for you.

Does regularly and often mean you snack/graze all day?
Three big meals sounds like a lot.

Neither option sounds particularly healthy.
Why don’t you both eat two small and one large meal a day, and plan them properly? You could have fruit for dessert and he could have some sort of pudding.

When Dh and I first met, I was vegetarian and he wasn’t. It was never an issue. We always have just eaten whatever we wanted for breakfast, lunch and snacks. Breakfast you just grab what you can as you run out the door, lunch I’d pack from home or buy. Living together doesn’t mean eating the same things all the time and preparing every meal together. Then we do generally cook a meal that is shared for dinner (unless I’m working late or away).

You either just compromise and one of you prepares food every other night and you adjust to the others food preferences. Or you prepare suitable parts of the meal (rice and veg) that you can both eat and you eat prepare a main you like. When I was veg, I’d make say stir fried tofu and dh would make chicken. That said, you won’t die if you eat some butter though, it’s healthier for you than processed spreads and it will be fine a couple nights a week (and vice versa for him).

What's he like with other compromises? What's he like when compromising with friends and family? It sounds silly but because you haven't known him for long, it might be worth looking at how he compromises in other areas.

One of my exes was the same, very unhealthy. He didn't like it when I cooked healthy meals, would often moan or strop, all healthy food would be left untouched. But he was like that in a lot of other areas, which was one of the many reasons I left.

You just find a way of compromising so you are both happy. Most people will have different tastes/diets when moving in together and I doubt many people eat the same breakfast/lunch. I should think you can eat most evening meals together and have a few separate if needed. The butter/mayo thing is a non issue as you just need to buy two of each (but they'll last longer).

Generally I organise our shopping and meal plan but ask if there is anything anyone wants to add/a meal they want to eat. I try to include everyones favourites and we have both found that we eat things we wouldn't have eaten before. I think as time goes on you'll get into a routine and these things will be less important.

Who would be cooking his three large meals a day?

I would definitely get things you both individually like but if you can share some meals as well that would be ideal.

I would personally be more concerned about the actual cooking part.

When we met we both ate different diets - I was a pescatarian of over 15 years so very devoted whereas he ate meat. Once we started living together I soon started eating meat too, absolutely no pressure from him at all, I just found myself tempted. Now we have our son together and honestly everything is fine regarding our diets. The boys eat meat regularly and I have it 1-2 times a week which we are all happy with. I'm more than happy to do all the food shopping and we have a meal plan.

My fiancé is rubbish at remembering to eat fruit but if I put it in front of him he will eat it so no issues there. It works.

I think you might be over-thinking things a little - eating habits aren't really the be all and end all and the only way you'll find out if you're compatible living together is by giving it a go one day. We rented for a couple of years before we bought our house, I'd recommend this as obviously there's far less risk involved.

Good luck and listen to your gut instinct.

What does your normal food day look like?

Would it work if you had a smaller potion of dinner?

I’d expect breakfast to be just on your own when you fancy, lunch sandwich or similar and then proper dinner to be a normal pattern.
Plus a snack between every meal if you’re a bit of a grazer.

How does that not work for either of you? Let me know and I’ll come up with a plan