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Original poster

Second thoughts on upcoming wedding

35 replies

Lisamarie79 · 23/04/2020 22:14

I think I'm starting to hate my fiance, we've been on and off for 14 years.I used to love him deeply but he didn't treat me right.6 months ago he declared his love for me (we have a child together) and he promised he had changed (yeah that old chestnut) he asked me to marry him and I said yes.after having been with him constantly everyday due to the lock down, he's saying a lot of unkind things again.today I am unwell, and he said I'm not and said if I am unwell to get off my phone.everything he does grates on me.he is so loud and can't do anything quietly.I'm constantly thinking of the neighbours and telling him to please tone it down.doesn't listen to me.our daughter has special needs, and he is too soft with her.her behaviour escalates when he's around.and she ends up being loud and disrespectful too to me.he is in my home but I feel like I'm the guest.I'm so drained by the drama. Even how he eats makes me angry (he will basically chomp on his cutlery, squint his eyes while doing it, strain his neck and makes noises. He made me upset today but not once did he give me any emotional support.told our child it's just mummy she has anxiety! The Wedding is in october and I can't see me going through with it.I was probably gullible saying yes but I did trust what he said.having him around is making me ill.any advice is much appreciated x

OP posts:
MentholChill · 23/04/2020 22:18

Given what you've said, the only advice I can give you is to throw him out as soon as lockdown is over (unless he has somewhere suitable to go sooner). Don't let anyone make you ill by treating you badly x

Fairycake2 · 23/04/2020 22:34

You definitely need to cancel the wedding and make plans to leave / throw him out ASAP. You deserve better

Original poster
Lisamarie79 · 24/04/2020 07:22

He has his own house, but he is letting his 27 year old live there rent and bills free.and he says he cant go back at the moment.all we do is argue.I like a lot of quiet time and I was apart from him this last time for 4 years. He is way too soft with his grown up children and they talk to him like rubbish.yet he will talk to me like I'm a child.I'm 40 years old and he knows I won't put up with it.he twists things and acts like he has a right to be here.his eldest in the past has called my special needs child a delinquent and other things and she works with special needs kids!! I keep telling him to go and he says he cant and brings up every excuse he doesn't seem to understand I don't want to be with him and he just says Lisa always gets what Lisa wants.he says he hasn't done anything wrong it's me.me.yada yada.thankyou for reply. I'm not good at explaining.he doesn't get anything I say.and doesn't meet my needs.I'd rather be on my own than a life with him.seens as he's gone back to the nasty piece of work he always was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisamarie79 · 24/04/2020 07:24

I'm gunna be the bad guy with my child because I'm telling him to go

OP posts:
Dozer · 24/04/2020 07:27

Sounds like it’s been a big mistake to stay with him so long. You can handle the parenting fall-out later.

So you own the property you live in with him and your DC? If so, end the relationship and ask him to go to his property.

neverknewsomany · 24/04/2020 07:27

He has somewhere to go even if it is to sleep on a sofa, get rid of him.

copycopypaste · 24/04/2020 07:31

Tell him to go and live in his house with his child. Life is far too short

mummmy2017 · 24/04/2020 07:44

What would happen if you locked him out and told him to go to his own home?

Windmillwhirl · 24/04/2020 08:04

You arent the bad guy because you dont want to marry someone. Who cares what anyone else thinks. The thought of staying with a loser because of what others may think... your logic makes no sense at all.

Hayfevered · 24/04/2020 08:10

For heaven’s sake, why have you wasted fourteen years with this person? End it and let him go back to his own house, regardless of which child is living there. His problem.

GreenTulips · 24/04/2020 08:15

Just end it.

I think a marriage proposal is just a gap to seriously think about the future. A point to focus what you want or need.

You clearly don’t want to marry him, or live with him, kick him out.

Weenurse · 24/04/2020 08:20

Time for him to go

newstarting · 24/04/2020 08:23

He can go back there, he just doesn’t want to. It’s your house, your decision. It just shows the level of disrespect that he’s refusing to do what you ask. Tell him “this relationship is over. I dont love you or want to marry you. You have until the end of the day to pack your things and leave” if he doesn’t leave tell him you’ll call the police to have him removed. It’s your house. Get rid of him and get your life back. Your description of him chomping on his cutlery made my stomach turn. Yuk.

Original poster
Lisamarie79 · 24/04/2020 08:38

He made out the police would tell me to keep him here coz of lock down. But I have packed his stuff and they are outside.I'm going to get in my car and go to my mums for an hour (keeping my distance from her) it has been more complicated than it seems written down.I feel I am losing who i finally became.I was stacting to be a stronger person and started to like myself.even went to corfu on my own two years ago.I suppose he saw how strong I was.and coz I'm so stupid, I believed all his spiel.yeah I was silly for taking him back.he says he won't give me maintenance now and all money wasted on wedding.I wasted money too.past week I couldn't stand for him to touch me.he persisted.I gave in.I've had relationships while we was apart over the 14 years (he kept ending it for the first 2 years) made me out to be a bad mum coz I suffer with depression. Has hit me in the past etc etc.I know I know.he really did seem like he had changed.my 21 year old who doesn't live with me dislikes him anyway.he will tell everyone he knows it's all me.but let him. My sanity and self respect matter most.I have no friends to turn to.and only have my mum and children.I can't wait for the peace.thankyou so much for all your comments.they made me realize what I should do.x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisamarie79 · 24/04/2020 08:40

Yes the house is mine.not owned but I rent it.

OP posts:
Dozer · 24/04/2020 08:41

Good, get him out. Seek help from a womens organisation if you are scared of him.

Dozer · 24/04/2020 08:41

Then do the Freedom Programme.

Mummacake · 24/04/2020 08:42

Peace will return to your life once he's out if it. Good on you for taking action.

rainbowstardrops · 24/04/2020 08:51

Well done for realising before you actually married this person.
As it's 'your' house and he has his own then I'd definitely be sending him packing!

RingaRosie · 24/04/2020 08:59

I agree with PP that a proposal is a chance to assess the relationship, with regards to marriage. I didn’t announce my engagement, but used the time to thoroughly think through the pros / cons for me. And for DH to step up & be worth the commitment.
You’ve clearly decided, the only option if not marriage, is to break up.

Original poster
Lisamarie79 · 24/04/2020 11:33

He hasn't left.he used my daughters key.he brought his stuff back in and in the garden.I've told him to go repeatedly. Gawd I'm so worn out :(

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 24/04/2020 11:39

Tough shit what he says, kick him out and call off the wedding. If you marry this prat things will become much much more complicated. Don’t make a stupid life wrecking decision just because you feel obligated.

Candyfloss99 · 24/04/2020 11:39

Ring the police. Tell them about him abusing you. It's your house he needs to leave.

Original poster
Lisamarie79 · 24/04/2020 11:54

I don't want the police at my door.I worry about what people will think.thankyou very much for all your replys. Taking the time to reply.all he says is thousands spent on a wedding.not once even trying to say sorry.no acknowledgement that it took a lot to trust what he said when I took him back.not concerned that I feel poorly. I know it musto seem that I'm soft.but I'm not.hope no one thinks that.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 24/04/2020 12:02

People will think he's a twat, it's no reflection on you.

Give him one warning with the police and then do it. Otherwise he will break you.