Second thoughts on upcoming wedding

[Lisamarie79]

I think I'm starting to hate my fiance, we've been on and off for 14 years.I used to love him deeply but he didn't treat me right.6 months ago he declared his love for me (we have a child together) and he promised he had changed (yeah that old chestnut) he asked me to marry him and I said yes.after having been with him constantly everyday due to the lock down, he's saying a lot of unkind things again.today I am unwell, and he said I'm not and said if I am unwell to get off my phone.everything he does grates on me.he is so loud and can't do anything quietly.I'm constantly thinking of the neighbours and telling him to please tone it down.doesn't listen to me.our daughter has special needs, and he is too soft with her.her behaviour escalates when he's around.and she ends up being loud and disrespectful too to me.he is in my home but I feel like I'm the guest.I'm so drained by the drama. Even how he eats makes me angry (he will basically chomp on his cutlery, squint his eyes while doing it, strain his neck and makes noises. He made me upset today but not once did he give me any emotional support.told our child it's just mummy she has anxiety! The Wedding is in october and I can't see me going through with it.I was probably gullible saying yes but I did trust what he said.having him around is making me ill.any advice is much appreciated x

Tell him you don't want to marry him and why. Don't leave anything out. I believe when you tell them it sometimes gives them the real shock they need.

If you don’t continue with this you’ve let him win and show no respect for you. Tell him to get his stuff and go or else you will ring the police. And mean it. Try and speak to women’s aid if you want back up advice. And tell everyone that the wedding is off. Start the ball rolling.

Speak to the landlord/lady about changing the locks because your abuser refuses to leave. Tell him to leave. He has somewhere to stay. If he refuses call the police and tell them your abuser is refusing to leave the property. Take control. He is being abusive and he needs to go. Follow up on this.

Why the hell are you putting up with this? Why?!

Take your daughter’s key off her. Call the police. Who gives a fuck what he wants or what your neighbours think - this is YOUR life and you’ve only got the one. Don’t waste it on this shit.

Build up some more courage then pack his stuff up and kick him out again. This time make sure the door is locked and you leave a key in, on the inside so he can't get back in. Change the locks as soon as you can. Once he's gone start to cancel all the wedding bookings. Hopefully this will make him realise you are serious but will also help you not to go through with it. From experience, they only get worse once married so please don't give in. I know it's tough, but stay strong

Are you able to get the key back while he's out in the garden? If you can get the key, retrieve it and keep hold of it. Even if you can't, put his stuff back outside, far enough from the door that he has to go outside to try and get it. Tell him you've thrown his stuff out and once he's out shut the door and put your key in the lock on the inside. If he needs his wallet or anything you can chuck them out of a window. Have your phone to hand and threaten to call the police if he refuses to go. Definitely get the LL to change the locks asap.

I know you don't want to but the police are the only way of getting him out

Stuff what people think.
Phone the police and GET HIM OUT.

You will find people who matter don't care you called the police, they care you are safe.
I think just call them and ask for help.

People don't cancel weddings unless it's for a bloody good reason, nobody will think badly of you they will just think god it must be the right thing to do if they've cancelled it. I'd think you were brave - a friend recently cancelled hers and I've never been prouder of her. And relieved. You'd be surprised how many people will already know what he's like!

If he won't leave and it's your rented property (not his) then call 101 and ask if you can have someone help you get him to leave. He's wrong about the police not helping - the government have specifically said that anyone who wishes to leave an unhealthy abusive relationship can move / ask their partner to move.

Be strong and stand firm.

Your child may be confused or angry now but you're the adult - it's up to you to make decisions that are best for you both and she'll understand one day.