Ex lied about Stillborn son

[Usernametaken098]

Hi all,

When I was with my ex (14 months)he told me when I first met him that he had a son who was Stillborn called Craig. We broke up 2 months ago.

I honestly believed him because who would lie/exaggerate about something so personal and heartbreaking.

Well I've just been told that the child wasn't a stillborn and was in fact a miscarriage at 13 weeks, when there would be no way of determining the sex of the baby. This was 12yrs ago with his ex wife.

So now I'm wondering why someone could use a miscarriage to get sympathy from their new girlfriend.

This is a guy whose broken the lockdown to visit his new girlfriend on several occasions so it shouldn't come as a surprise but I'm astonished that he would stoop so low to get sympathy from someone.

Has this ever happened to anyone else because it's never happened to me before.

Well, he may have used the wrong term, but surely it’s still a loss. If he struggled with it, I guess that’s how it is. Now if you think he brought it up just to use it to manipulate you, that’s a bit awful. But lots of people struggle to cope with miscarriages. I would say that look back on mine and think “well, just wasn’t meant to be.” But certainly everyone else I know named their babies, some buried them, have various ways they remember them even a decade later.

It sounds like he could be a big jerk, but I wouldn’t think this is the main reason why.

So now I'm wondering why someone could use a miscarriage to get sympathy from their new girlfriend
God you're a delight.
The loss of their baby could have had a major impact on them and their relationship. He didn't use the right term - would need another 11 weeks for the term stillborn - but not everyone gets these things right, and maybe he knew you'd have no sympathy for him
You could guess the sex after a scan and might well use the name you'd planned.
If they had had genetic testing, you absolutely could know the sex.
Sounds like the two of you just weren't meant to be together.

They may of had genetic testing on the baby and have found out the sex. I do also know people who have had a hunch about baby's sex so named them accordingly. Yes technically the baby was a miscarriage rather than a stillbirth but he feels he lost a son regardless of the term.
I'm guessing he's done several things wrong over the course of the relationship and you're sort of pining your feelings on this.

@mindutopia

I completely believed him at the beginning however I've found out that he's lied about other things too and in the words of someone else "you wouldn't need to exaggerate his lies because they're that bad"

So unfortunately I think he did it for manipulation purposes and is a jerk.

I'm just wondering if other's have experienced similar as I've been lied to by other exes, but this is a new low.

Oh my!!!
Pp you know this ex didn't get the term wrong or is still grieving about it.

He said it because it works and you did feel sorry fir him. Not sure what your conversation was at the time but maybe he was trying to relate to something.

But Op does it matter?
You are broken up and there are going to be many why's? But it doesn't matter anymore plus no one can really understand why someone else does or says something

@orlarose and @watertorture

It was his ex wife who told me that he had lied about this and in fact I wasn't the first girlfriend he's lied to about this.

They never knew the sex of the baby and they didn't name the baby Craig.

I can completely understand if it was a recent event or we were talking about miscarriage in general but we weren't. It came out of the blue.

To me it is something that should have remained personal between him and his ex wife, not to get sympathy.

@itaintthatdeeep

The loss happened 12yrs ago and he mentioned it out of the blue. We weren't talking about miscarriage or anything that you could relate it to. He's lied about other things too though this is the lie that I can't seem to get my head around.

Yes I should not give it headspace however it's the knowing now that he lied constantly in our relationship and I'm like I just seen to always pick the wrong ones.

I was forced to marry my first husband as I was 19 and pregnant. It was the late 80s I hardly knew my husband but I soon discovered he was an utter liar and a thief. He lied about everything even if he knew he'd be caught. He was dreadful in other ways and thankfully he was imprisoned and my son and I escaped. I taught myself an a level and went to uni. I raised my son alone and never had anything to do with him again. He was a fantasy liar as well as a practical liar. A terrible man.

13 weeks is far along, the baby will have had fingers, toes, lips. I hate the term miscarriage especially in the second trimester as when you go through something like that (and I did not so long ago with my baby at 18 weeks who was born alive and died on my chest) the dr still wanted to refer to it as a fucking miscarriage. Thankfully she was put right.

I’m not saying he hasn’t lied to you about other things, but grief does things to you that you wouldn’t comprehend. I’ve had early First trimester losses before that and have invented a whole persona of those babies in my head. Perhaps he has done the same to deal with the grief and likes to talk to people about it? I know I love talking about my son. I hope this helps even a little in giving him the benefit of the doubt. Apologies if it is not very helpful

Did you question his ex wife about it? Why?

@BrokenNlost

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and what you have gone through.

I think what is making me feel slightly uneasy about my ex is that he seems to have this habit of over exaggerating things that have happened to him to get sympathy. He's got a woe me personality where he likes people to feel sorry for him.

I'm someone who tries not to lie and I would definitely not use something so personal with an ex to get sympathy from my new partner.

I understand why you are having a hard time understanding why someone would use such a tragic event in their life to emit sympathy, and even further embellish the story with made up details.

My father once found out my mother had told distant friends my brother had died. He hadn't, he was and still is severely disabled but in no life threatening danger. My father always called my mother a compulsive liar, who believed the stories she told which is why she came across so sincere. She even convinced herself.

This is a symptom of some personality disorders. Growing up we realised we could believe absolutely nothing my mother said and though it was a hard lesson we eventually made peace with it and stopped even debating her obvious lies.

I believe accepting that this is a problem with them and not you brings peace with it. However, I need to be in my mother's life (endless care needs, her mental health declined after every birth of her children so we give her leniency in her behaviours).

You do not need to be anywhere near this man. Understand that he has a problem and it's no reflection on you that you believed his sincerely told story. He's still had a loss that doubtless effected him, how he conducts himself outwith this sad event is on his own back and you do well to forget him.

Oh I forgot to say how my dad found out about my mother's big lie, the friends sent flowers to the house!

@Thisismytimetoshine

Also this is a guy who messages me to tell me 3 months into our relationship that he couldn't be with me as while visiting his ex wife in hospital after she had a hysterectomy he had started to have feelings for her again and couldn't be with me. It turns out that she never had a hysterectomy 😡

2 weeks later he massaged me about him having cancer which I've also found out he didn't have and how could he tell his new GF this as well as his mental health issues.

So yes I did ask her because of his previous lies.

She was shocked that he had again told a partner about it as she had found out from previous partner's that he'd done the same thing.

@Thisismytimetoshine

Unfortunately I took him back.

Oh I can definitely can imagine some manipulative so and so using something like that in a “ poor me” attention seeking behaviour. Apart from being quite horrific it’s quite clever because it’s not a complete fabrication but an exaggeration to make it more dramatic.

@frogsbreath

I'm sorry to hear about your mum it must have been very difficult and you're a good daughter for supporting your mum in her time of need as many people wouldn't.

I just don't understand how people can lie about such things. I just couldn't do that to someone.

I'm now doubting my ability to realise when someone is lying because I'm a genuine woman who has a lot of empathy for others when they're needing help which maybe why attract the broken ones lol.

Have you written about this guy Before? Im sure ive read a similar story.

Anyway, he is your ex. Why are you so invested in his lies?

I think you may have to accept that your ex has some mental health issues, or other problems, which you are not responsible for.
Don’t take it personally, it seems this is part of a pattern for him.
You might never know the reasons why or the full story; but he is your ex , so try to be glad you dodged a bullet, so to speak.
Try to focus on your own future, free of this relationship.

I think people are being unfair here. A miscarraige at 13 weeks, as heartbreaking as it is, is very different to a stillbirth which, although can happen from 24 week, I think people are more likely to assume it was a full term baby.
And someone knows what they are doing when they exaggerate something this emotive.

I had a miscarriage when I was 18. Baby girl I named her Rachel. Ex didn't name her he couldn't cope with that so to me she was Rachel to him he'd lost a baby. Maybe your ex is like me and to him the baby is Craig but to his ex she lost a baby. I hope that makes sense. My Dh knows about her but I didn't tell him for sympathy I told him because that's what couples do

@CalleighDoodle

Yes I have in connection with him visiting his new girlfriend after the lockdown.

I found out that he had exaggerated the loss of his baby at 13 weeks ago a week ago and I'm still annoyed that he could do that and wanted to know if others had encountered this before.

@Teacher12345

That's what I thought when he told me about it that it was a baby over 24 weeks because of the way he described the experience.
I never questioned it until I found out that he had lied about other things too.

Tbh it’s a shit move but he is an ex and seems to have moved on and is no longer a part of your life so why bother yourself with the past. He’s her headache now be glad you dodged a bullet

@Tonz

I'm so sorry for your loss. Maybe I'm just someone who keeps what happened with a previous partner to myself because I don't want to relive the hurt. Also it was 12 yes ago why bring it up when there was no reason to.
However the way he spoke about the baby it was as if the baby was over 24 weeks and a stillborn.

OP are you struggling to deal with your relationship ending?
It’s not healthy to give so much energy to someone who is an ex.