Ex lied about Stillborn son

[Usernametaken098]

Hi all,

When I was with my ex (14 months)he told me when I first met him that he had a son who was Stillborn called Craig. We broke up 2 months ago.

I honestly believed him because who would lie/exaggerate about something so personal and heartbreaking.

Well I've just been told that the child wasn't a stillborn and was in fact a miscarriage at 13 weeks, when there would be no way of determining the sex of the baby. This was 12yrs ago with his ex wife.

So now I'm wondering why someone could use a miscarriage to get sympathy from their new girlfriend.

This is a guy whose broken the lockdown to visit his new girlfriend on several occasions so it shouldn't come as a surprise but I'm astonished that he would stoop so low to get sympathy from someone.

Has this ever happened to anyone else because it's never happened to me before.

Why are you giving this guy so much headspace?

As for asking his ex wife about it... I find that bizarre, considering you say it should be private.

There are some sick mother fuckers out their and consider this as no loss to your life. It’s not your call to tell would be gf’s he is a lying piece of shit. Now he is gone forget he existed and move on

@samtsirch

Maybe I am, but when you've been lied to about things that are very emotive then yes I'm hurt because in the whole of our relationship I never exaggerated things that happened in my past to get sympathy.

Also someone who moves onto his next victim 3 weeks after you broke up then yes this hurt also.

I'm not someone who jumps from one relationship to the next.

Sounds like an arsehole who uses lies/exaggerations to elicit as much sympathy as possible early days as a form of trying to ensure he gets what he wants from the relationship. My baby boy was stillborn last April, there is a difference, both are painful losses of course but there is definitely a difference (having to plan your babies funeral as one example).

He’s obviously not a nice person from the sound of it, as PP have said, don’t give the dickhead anymore headspace and consider it a bullet dodged that he’s no longer in your life.

I’m sure I will be ripped to shreds, but I know someone who did something similar and I don’t understand why. Their daughter had a TFMR Halfway through. Gender unknown. Which in itself is a heartbreaking and horrific experience. But this person has brought it up (happened 15+ years ago now) at every opportunity and presented it as though it was a full
Term stillbirth. Uses the tragedy to cry and garner attention. I think the thing is that it’s two very different pains - a TFMR is just ghastly and of course tragic, but you know about it in advance. A full term still
Birth you are going into the hospital expecting to take home your baby usually aren’t you? I just don’t understand why he presented it so differently. I always understood that the baby died at birth and they knew the gender and all this stuff and only recently found this out.

But I never bring it up because it makes me sound like a bitch/would never mention it to friends in real life for the same reason. Feels very attention seeking and odd

The very reason why people get away with telling such horrific lies is because they’re the kind of lies people daren’t question.

Even on this thread OP is being told that it’s heartless to question it because to him it could have seemed like a stillbirth.

While both events are tragic, a miscarriage is not the same as a stillbirth, and to be honest, it’s not something he would need to bring up in casual conversation with each and every GF he’s ever had.

And I think that it’s hard to find out that your relationship was built on lies, even if that relationship is now over.

I wouldn’t dwell on it though OP, just consider that you’ve now had a lucky escape and use this as another reason for never wanting him back....

It’s naive to believe that people never lie about this stuff. They absolutely do. About cancer, losses, serious illness, death, you only have to look at the number of trolls who have lied about the death of children on here to know that it’s very real and happens more often than we like to think.

He’s an Ex for a reason! Don’t go down the rabbit hole of dissecting his every shitty move because it won’t change a thing, or make you any wiser.

All your doing is keeping this twat in your headspace.

*you’re

I’m not for one minute suggesting that he wasn’t hurt by the loss they suffered, and in his head he may well have named his child even if he kept it secret from everyone, and that is fine, it helps you grieve, but he is still a liar about other stuff.

You’ve split up with him. Why are you letting this weirdo remain in your thoughts?

He’s not for you.
His problems are no longer yours. Time to move on and be happy.
Lockdown won’t last forever. You were unlucky with that yin. Nobody would have known he was like that. It wasn’t your fault. Now you can let it go.

I guess you'll know for future reference, men lie. They lie a lot.
Yes, they will lie about anything to make you feel sorry for them. It works. Plenty of women get sucked into affairs because he tells her how mean is wife is and they are practically divorced and he hasnt had sex in 5 years. Then how he's going to leave his wife for her blah blah. He's never felt a love as great as yours. They know what to say.

So that's why they do it. To get some sex.

You meet a new guy. It's better just to assume he's lying to start off with and over time, he'll prove he's telling the truth. Because they are 100% lying.

Let it go. He's clearly mentally ill. It's not a reflection on your judgement, one day you'll find a guy who won't exploit your empathy.

His lies are exaggerated to ensure they distract you from reality. Using sensitive issues shuts down any form of questioning or challenge. It’s a low life manipulation, not even trying to be clever. People who do this don’t care about the long term consequences. They know they will be found out. They just compound the situation with another lie until the recipient finally calls them out. Then because they don’t care, they are up and on.

You need to forget about him and work on yourself. Speaking bluntly you need to develop an ear for bullshit. Once detected it is best avoided. When liars are challenged or confronted they just lie. The best response is to just move on.

Gosh... I'm sure I remember you posting in the past about his lies regarding him having cancer.

At least you are free of him now. Sorry he was such a tosser though.

A miscarriage is still a loss, but if he has a habit of lying that's different as it seems deliberate.

Yes, liars can lie about extreme things. I had an 'ex' who lied that doctors had told him he was going to die in the next few years. He did have health problems, but nothing doctors would give people a time frame for.

It is a sign of a narc or a twat of some kind.

You're well rid of him. xx

People lie about all kinds of shit. Ive never understood it because it will bite you on the arse one day. Hes an ex so forget and move on

He could just be a lying prick but...

There used to be a poster on here regularly posting on child loss threads talking about the loss of her baby girl.

She'd had a miscarriage at an early stage (can't remember exactly but 6 or 8 weeks I think) and had decided it was a girl and named her and had a memorial service etc.

She could not understand why some people did not think she'd gone through the same as them if they'd lost a DC through stillbirth or after birth and used to become absolutely furious as in her view, she was still a grieving parent going through exactly what they were.

She'd post threads outraged that extended family weren't talking about her deceased little girl at family get togethers and weren't referring her to her as a Mother of 3 (she had 2 older children) 'just because her DD died'. And then get support from posters who assumed she wasn't talking about early miscarriage.

She wasn't a troll, she'd even set up her own blog about her little girl with pics of all her family and posts about the loss of a child being the loss of a child no matter at what stage.

And some agreed with her.

But she mostly upset a lot of people because she'd be sharing her grief with people who'd suffered a stillbirth or child dying in infancy and when she'd mention it was an early miscarriage, people would be distressed and say they didn't think it was the same but she wouldn't ever back down.

He probably was just lying for sympathy but some people have extreme reactions to miscarriage.

He sounds like a habitual liar, but how do you know he is visiting his new girlfriend during lockdown? Are you still in touch with him? Or are you watching his social media or getting information another way?

Whatever it is - this guy is your ex and sounds like it's really great he is. You're focusing on the lie(s) he has told, but it might be healthier to just stop all contact, including indirect (via talking about him with people or social media etc) and focus on yourself.

@Usernametaken098 I'm may of sounded abrupt in my reply but that is because my ex was the same actually worse.

He lied about everything I mean everything.
I found this out way to late but I have realised in time that it doesn't matter.
When I question something in my mind I remind myself it doesn't matter.

I think we had some good times some great times / he was probably lying then to and being fake but I enjoyed them at that is all that mattered.

-!/ and just in case you are unsure if my ex was worse, he declared at our sons first Christmas party - that the reason he cheated ( we had recently separated but I wanted things to be the same for our son)
That he had been sexually abused from the age of 7 til 14, by many different friends of his who were the same age.
I obviously believed him and felt horrific for him but it was another lied. He didn't want me to leave him.

So

My mother kept up a lie like this for most of her life. She told everyone that her first two children were twin boys, Andrew and John*, who were still born. All through our childhood my sister and I were constantly compared to these two perfect sons of hers.

She would often repeat the story, in graphic detail, of the day she lost them and how negligently and cruelly she was treated by the medical and nursing staff at the hospital.

She would tell random strangers that she had lost her first two children and of course got great sympathy.

Every year at the time of their death AND at the time of their birthday she would be extra difficult and we all had to fuss about her and put up with awful behaviour because she was grieving.

She insisted that her first grandson was called Andrew John and everyone was told he was the most special Gc because of this. She paid for him to attend private school.

When she died, Andrew John was left all her money - her children and other three GC got nothing.

Turns out it was all a pack of lies, she had an early miscarriage about 6-7 weeks. Upsetting I know but very common. But she lied about it for 60 years and build her while lifeguard story around it, as a tragic bereaved mother who never got over the loss.

*not their real names

Seriously? You are grasping here.

Not that I haven't been there, after a split, counting all the ways he failed me and in the process also focusing on stuff that isn't really a thing, thinking about it in hindsight. I guess that's a normal part of grieving.

@WH1SKERS

That’s fucking insane 😱

He's an ex, what does it matter?
Just forget about it and move on.

Thank you for all the replies and sharing your stories it seems that a lot of people lie to get sympathy 😥

Yes he's an ex and I'm thankful that he is because he is certainly a pathological liar which I really don't need or deserve.

I'm an over thinker which doesn't help at the best of times, and definitely not at a time that we're all going through at the moment.
I can't do the usual things to get over him, like go out with friends, treat myself to a spa day or go hill walking to clear my head.

So it is proving harder but I need to remember that I am better off without him and hopefully when the time is right a decent guy will come into my life until then I've got box sets and chocolate 😆

It must be really tough, I can't imagine the stress and emotional turmoil he has put you through. It must be impossible not to get pulled in by the lies if you're a logical person who wants to make sense of things. I suppose what he has done is totally illogical though and its not possible to rationalise it.

It's great that you're moving on now though - onwards and upwards! I hope you can get support in some way from family and friends during lockdown and even though life is so restricted right now that you are feeling a sense of freedom from him.

...was in fact a miscarriage at 13 weeks, when there would be no way of determining the sex of the baby.

Not true. We were told at 10 and a half weeks that we were having a boy.