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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anonymous letter and dp....struggling to get the trust back

81 replies

ClottedCreamIceCream · 23/04/2020 16:23

have name changed for this - dp and I have been living together for 4 years and going out another 18 months before that. Late 40s, all our dcs have left home (we have none together).

I was blissfully happy - everyone delighted, his family, my family, friends of us both, and the relationship I would have said, going extremely well. Dp starting to talk about whether either of us would fancy getting married again (we are both divorced, a long time ago).

then 6 months ago, I received an anonymous letter at work - telling me about dp's past. It contained accusations of him having a drink problem, depression, being a consummate liar, cheating on his exes, not being able to hold down jobs, running up debt etc., the fact that when he met me he was still living with his then girlfriend. I confronted dp, he was so upset that someone had written a letter like this. That some of it was true (like having had depression in his past but he had treatment and recovered, the drinking was linked to this) but some was malicious. I don't recognise the description of him from the letter but it's clear he was economical with the truth with me.

The bit that got me was that he was living with his girlfriend when he met me which he lied about at the time. He told me he was single. I even mentioned how many arseholes go on online dating when they aren't single and he assured me that wasn't him. So essentially he outright lied at the time.

I don't know where to go from here - it's been 6 months and I now find myself still doubting dp. He got a message the other day and he hid his phone - I insisted on seeing it and he said it was a surprise for a party we were having (pre lockdown). We had to cancel the party but I still have no idea what the surprise was and I totally doubt him. When I asked, he said we are rescheduling the party (we are) and I must wait for the surprise till then.

Can this recover? I just don't know whether the trust will grow back or I give up on it now.

OP posts:

Potterspotter · 23/04/2020 16:58

Hmmm otoh you’ve known him 5 and a half years - That’s pretty long to not clock a consummate liar. Have you seen his credit report? I’d be leery of getting married just yet due to financial implications but on the while people sometimes do mess up and put things right. I reckon you’d know by this point if he was a liar after living together so long.

chillikor · 23/04/2020 16:59

I think you need to remember that sometimes we need small lies because the truth just hurts. It's not great what he did but you were very happy before this and had no reason to doubt him.
Most people don't know the real truth behind their partner's past and that's ok, you need to go off your intuition.

I think you should ask what the message was and say you are getting paranoid and say you're prepared for the surprise to be ruined as ultimately the paranoia is worse. If he is able to show you a message that lines up with when you think it happened then great. If he says it's deleted, then you're probably right in being suspicious.

I don't think you should judge someone on their past, he was dishonest but you've been great since. I think keep an eye on the phone thing though

Gutterton · 23/04/2020 16:59

He made you the OW.

The lengths he went to to deceive you is shocking. Unforgivable IMHO.

Consummate liar is your personal experience with him. These were his actions. This is who he is.

Who knows or cares about all the rest of it - you will never find out because these types cover everything up.

Potterspotter · 23/04/2020 17:00

I can understand why the ex is angry - he left her in debt and cheated on her and presumably did a lot of lying whilst being depressed. You don’t have any guarantees - does he have a history of lots of 5 year relationships or was he with ex for a long time?

Intothefuture · 23/04/2020 17:00

How long was the overlap between you and the ex?

category12 · 23/04/2020 17:01

How long were you seeing him while he was still living with his girlfriend?

BBBear · 23/04/2020 17:06

The depression, etc after his marriage break up is understandable, but setting up a shag pad for you as the OW is quite disgusting.

Would you have dated him and met him at the shag pad if you’d known? If your answer is no then I think you’re going to have problems getting over this deception.

Not sure about the debt - could be old that is paid off and not necessarily debt he’s run up in his girlfriend’s name.

Original poster

ClottedCreamIceCream · 23/04/2020 17:06

yes you see, that is what is bothering me. If there had been issues in these years, I would have taken a decision there and then. But there haven't been (until the strange surprise text) - it's been a wonderful couple of years BUT I do wonder now whether I've missed things I should have seen because I wasn't suspicious

he ran a credit report and showed me his credit card statements when we discussed the debt. That would exclude any debt in other people's names or not in the system as such though.

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 23/04/2020 17:07

I feel mostly sorry for him. The girlfriend thing is not good. But the rest is things in his past that are not really fun memories to bring up? I do feel like you are now holding that over him (from what you've said, obviously I don't know your real life) which is really cruel. I have made many mistakes in my past and if someone wrote them all in a malicious letter to my DP I would be very upset.

The girlfriend thing seems to be a separate issue. Did he say why he lied?

cupcakehurricane101 · 23/04/2020 17:09

Maybe if he said he lived with another woman you'd be put off and stating posts like 'met a great guy but says he still lives with his ex, can I trust him?'
If that's the only thing that's bugging you and everything has been good don't let it spoil things.
Yes he should have told the truth but maybe he was worried you'd not be interested if he did?
Then sometimes people leave things too long to admit and who knows why people do that. Not everyone's a lying cheating monster. I would be annoyed but if there's been no other trust issues then maybe understand why he might have lied.

monkeymonkey2010 · 23/04/2020 17:11

he completely lied to me when he said he was single when he wasn't
He's still lying to you.
He's been in contact with her - probably never stopped.

The letter sounds very bitter and gives you all the dirt that he has - and never would -willingly tell you.

I wouldn't trust him either - you're not a toy to be played and messed about with.

cupcakehurricane101 · 23/04/2020 17:12

And the person who wrote the letter will be praying you break up! How sad they can't move on after 5 years, they didn't write the letter because they care about you. They wrote the letter to ruin someone's happiness because they are feeling bitter in life.

Aly92 · 23/04/2020 17:17

The intention of the letter is irrelevant it’s the fact that he deceived you and his ex. If he did it once he’ll do it again. Ultimately it’s your choice but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s texting other women or on dating sites if he’s being funny with his phone. Trust me, I know

category12 · 23/04/2020 17:17

But he was a "lying cheating monster" cupcakehurricane - he was still living with someone else when he started seeing OP, having sex with them both, lying to them both, making complicated arrangements to see OP without her realising he was living somewhere else with someone else. That's not a small thing.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/04/2020 17:18

The depression, self medication with booze, debt and job lose are all things of the past. He hit rock bottom and had the maturity and self reflection to get help. He should be applauded for that. I'm not sure I'd want to share the shitiest part of my life years afterwards if I'd sorted myself out. I'd put it in a box and lock it away. It's no one's business but mine.

The cross over relationships would depend on how long it went on for? Week's I'd accept. Months not so much. But if it's true his ex was disabled and dependent and guilt keep him locked in I'd be more understanding. You've had 5.5 years of happiness, is a crossover be worth losing that?

Did he leave her in debt or was that another poster's jump to conclusions?

It's odd that the ex has taken over 5 years to tell you. Bored during lock in and feeling vengeful? My issues? At the time I'd understand, but years later?

He's been extremely honest and open now. You need to balance out him not telling about a MH crisis he resolved years ago and a crossover relationship with 5.5 years of a great relationship.

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/04/2020 17:21

There's a lot of jumping to all men are bastards conclusions here: he left his ex with all his debt; he's still in touch with her and has been the whole time; he's on dating sites. None of this is suggested by the OP. Unless I missed something?

Gutterton · 23/04/2020 17:22

What are your current living arrangements?

Have you bought together / rent together?

Are his grown up DCs actively involved in your lives?

Is he teetotal?

G3entlemanjack · 23/04/2020 17:37

I'm afraid that it would be over for me, OP. The biggest problem from my perspective is that you can never trust him 100%. There will always be a kernel of doubt in your mind if anything out if the norm happens. Is it just out of the norm or is he lying to you?

The whole living thing at the beginning - WTF?! The early stages of your relationship were built on lies. It's possible to understand, forgive and move on - but only if you can do that with 100% certainty that's enough for you. He is capable of lying to your face.

Horrible situation, you have my sympathy.

Original poster

ClottedCreamIceCream · 23/04/2020 17:39

He drinks, more than I do, but not every day. He lives with me in my house.

All the kids v involved. We see both his and mine regularly (we have 6 between us!). All very supportive of our relationship.

He makes me v happy. But I was the other woman - and had I known at the time, I wouldn't have gone out with him. And it was months not weeks. The dilemma for me is whether I can trust him now I know all this. And whether if things went wrong, what he would do, would he just get out there and see someone else till he had the security that he could move in with them!

Have to get going as finishing work so about to go and sit and watch telly.

Thanks for all your thoughts today - they've been really helpful in crystallising how I'm feeling

OP posts:

Shortfeet · 23/04/2020 17:41

I think you should not bin a relationship based on a malicious letter.

I think if your relationship is really good you should forgive the bits that need it and move forward.

Shortfeet · 23/04/2020 17:42

Not just a malicious letter, an anonymous one . Let it go !

Gutterton · 23/04/2020 17:43

Does he still have his air b n b flat?

How are your finances arranged - are you fully independent?

user1486915549 · 23/04/2020 17:46

If it is his ex that has sent the letter why would she wait 5 years ..?
That seems very strange. Is he still seeing her .

Buggedandconfused · 23/04/2020 17:58

My ex did similar to me - was seeing someone else unbeknownst to me when we first met. Ended it with her eventually. I found out accidentally.

Truth is, I could never trust him after this as he had been so duplicitous and was capable of such in-depth lies. It takes a certain type of person to do this and I just couldn’t ever get past it. Ultimately it ended because I found out he was trying to shag someone else behind my back - whilst telling me he loved me. So in my view these people never change.

category12 · 23/04/2020 18:06

Months of lying and having you both on the go, risking your sexual health, pretending to live somewhere he didn't, pretending to be single when he wasn't.

Gutterton's question's a good one: Does he still have that Air BnB flat?

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