Partner unhappy and doesn't know why, what do I do?

[citytocountry93]

Hi guys,

My partner recently returned (1st April) from a months deployment in Cyprus he is in the RAF. The first few days he seemed fine normal even the sex was good however since then he’s been in a really weird mood, I’ve always had to initiate sex and sometimes won’t have it, he’s not acknowledging in conversation I get no reply or a simple one word miserable reply. He’s usually quiet anyway that’s just him but a lot more quiet than normal. I’ve regularly asked what’s up you don’t seem yourself and always replied with he’s fine. I’ve also noticed he’s been getting up a lot earlier normally he lays in till 9ish but he’s awake since 7 sometimes earlier.

The other day he finally told me that he is unhappy and has been for a couple of months but doesn’t know why. I asked if its us he’s unhappy with or has he met someone else and he said no to both he just doesn’t know what is it. He said he was hoping that going to Cyprus would help but apparently hasn’t.

Now I know when he was in Cyprus they ended up in lockdown for the entire time he was there then he’s come back to the UK and had to do the lockdown again so I don’t think it’s helped the situation.

I don’t know what to do, we are expecting our first child and id hate for the relationship to end. I hope when he’s back at work will make things better. Do I give him some space or try and act normal try and Involve him in conversation even if he’s not interested?

He’s already said to stop asking him all the time how he is as it will make him worse

Cherchez la femme OP.

Sorry to sound cynical but there are literally thousands of threads on this board starting with "he's being really distant, I know there's nobody else though" followed in a few days with "Well what do you know, he's been seeing another woman for 2 months"

This is a really unsettling time OP. It's bound to make people reflect or act strange. If you can, try and distract - jobs around the house? Walks? Long mornings in bed. He may just need tlc.

Dont ask him, get busy with your own projects. Spy his phone.

I do keep trying to have a spy on his phone, as he's always on it which is hard as it's like you can talk to others but me!

What I'm also unsure of is that I was adamant he's gonna propose when he got back, he stupidly kept asking for the size of my ring finger and was stressing that this parcel he ordered needed to be kept safe or it'll ruin what he planned as it was a birthday present that cost nearly £1000. My birthday was Sunday and alas nothing

Sounds like depression

Agreed just give him some time and space.
Nagging him to tell you what's wrong will just annoy him and possibly say the wrong thing.
It sounds like having double lockdown is really affecting him and this can bring on depressive episodes. Can he have some time alone each day to walk/ exercise or just be miserable if that what he wants to do on his own.
If something is truly wrong, or indeed there's something else going on it will come out in time.

It could be depression but how was he when he was away? Is he eating sleeping wanting to be sociable? Maybe it is about Yr relationship.

He goes out on dog walks on his own as he likes that time to himself which I don't mind gives me time to do jobs around the house. When he was away we spoke but not loads or everyday because he's usually a quiet person anyway and he's get annoyed.

He's eating fine, it's her ally just sexually and him being more distant - he does speak occasionally but most of the time if I suggest something he's like 'fine' 'whatever'

How about communicating with him by text/message if he's always in his phone and it was better when he was away? Send him sweet/flirty texts. Try and make him laugh.

What's he doing on the dogwalks? Phoning someone?
You could go quiet and distant and see whether that gets a response or you could talk to him and get some answers. If you aren't having sex and used to it doesn't sound good.

"When he was away we spoke but not loads or everyday because he's usually a quiet person anyway and he's get annoyed."........

Is he usually annoyed for no apparent reason OP? Sounds a little controlling to me. And I don't buy the excuse that he's down for no reason...he's potentially hiding something and will become clear sometime soon.

Other woman or depressed. I went through a period last year, a few months, of just being really unhappy and cried all the time. I have literally no idea why as nothing was wrong and I was in (and still am) an amazing relationship. Just wanted to throw it out there as it could just be... he needs some help

Wishing its not one of those times where the guy has another relationship on the sly 🤞

When he was away I did send him a couple of naughty photos and flirty texts just to keep him sane which he enjoyed - his mum has agreed with me that he is difficult to speak too always has been it's never really bothered me tbh as we've always had a great relationship anyway, just recently when I've noticed he's been more quiet.

I did suggest trying to speak to 111 together and see if they advise anything but he didn't want too

You seem to imply that he always got annoyed easily? How different is all this? I think he sounds selfish and potentially like he is trying to train you to value his me time at the expense of yours whilst creating a dynamic where you get to be grateful for any attention no matter how shit.

@Hanab I hope as well I trust him and don't think it's that - I don't think he dare anger my dad anyway if he ever did that, my dad would murder him

@QualityFeet he gets annoyed at anything if the cupboard door doesn't shut properly he'll throw a fit doesn't really get annoyed at me unless I talk for England when he'd rather get some piece and quiet

So what did he say about your birthday present on Sunday? Did he say this thing he'd ordered was late or what?

I don't think someone who is really depressed would be on their phone constantly.

He has plenty of energy to communicate with others but a sullen response for you.

He sounds like a prat.

OP, reach out for support to friends and family.

Take care.

@butt

he is difficult to speak too always has been it's never really bothered me tbh as we've always had a great relationship anyway

What are the great bits?

For some reason can't tag you Buttery!

He hasn't given it me yet as he got me two other gifts I've not mentioned it since was gonna try slyly bring it up later but when I do he's always had that mischievous look on his face and said you'll have to see.

The good times - we have we always have a laugh, he does spoil me I do think we have got a bit comfortable recently which I'm trying to sort out and regain that spark but difficult though during a lockdown

He is hard to talk to, throws a fit over trivial issues ... will he be doing that round the baby? How will he be when sleep deprivation and baby stuff gets everywhere? OP I don’t think he has ever sounded great. Someone you can laugh with, a best friend, some one who puts you first, who thinks you are gorgeous - that’s a partner. Have you ever had that with him?
It’s not normal to throw fits over a cupboard that doesn’t close, it’s behaviour that teaches you not to push him.

Have you actually asked him what's wrong OP? You're thinking of marriage, engagements, babies etc. Surely your relationship is at a stage where you can just say "you don't seem yourself. What's wrong?"

He's not complimented for ages or years even, he's not one for PDA but I would like him to maybe say good morning or how was your day or even you look beautiful, but I never get them, so I worry now that I've become less focussed on how I look because I've never got the attention. Doesn't even post about me on social media.

He's been great though he's helped me through two difficult periods when I hated my job I would be severely depressed and he was the one originally brought up talking about the future