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Original poster

Should I be bothered?

34 replies

ARR14 · 23/04/2020 06:46

I have been with my partner for 9 months and don’t live with one another but relationship has gone well. He is kind, caring and open (I have had history of abusive relationships so he is the first person I have been with who I’ve not had to worry about their intentions/feelings towards me).

However, we have been separated during lockdown for 6 weeks (an extra week due to suspected Covid) and he has recently started following a couple of Instagram “models” who have very provocative pictures and links to fans only sites Confused . He has previously said that he uses Instagram to display and look at artwork etc and wasn’t into all the selfie sites...until now when he’s apparently all about these sites!

I know he watches porn etc and I don’t have a problem with that however this bothers me...maybe because he has previously told me hes not into this sort of thing and I really liked that he apparently wasn’t. I’ve had a history of partners making me feel I adequate and have been compared to others as a way of making me feel rubbish...I’m scared this is going the same way. I also feel it’s a bit immature a man of 40 following 20 yr old models on social media...or am I just being naive?!

Am I being over sensitive here? We’re in lockdown so we’ve had no contact for 6 weeks so far...starting to feel insecure 😟

OP posts:
Inconnu · 23/04/2020 07:01

I wouldn't be delighted about this either OP, but I think that after six weeks in lockdown he may be bored and lonely and maybe shouldn't be judged in the same way as normal? If you're ok with porn then this is a lot milder after all.

carriebreadshaw · 23/04/2020 07:05

I know what you mean - somehow it seems more personal than watching porn.

40 year old man following 20 year old "models..." seems a bit sad. Can you respect him?

Mikki2019 · 23/04/2020 07:05

Can’t see why this is at all a big deal . Many people male and female look at porn and good looking people on Instagram. Why not?

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 23/04/2020 07:06

You are bothered op! Why are you questioning wether you have a right to be? Listen to your feelings they are talking to you.

FWIW, I’d be bothered and I agree with you it’s inappropriate and sad and tbh desperate behaviour from him. Not very attractive op, I’d cut him loose.

Original poster
ARR14 · 23/04/2020 07:11

Thanks for the replies. Yeah it bothers me but I don’t know how to bring this up with him without sounding a bit stalkerish 😬

OP posts:
AnnaNimmity · 23/04/2020 07:12

well it bothers you OP and that's all that matters.

I wouldn't have much respect for a grown man who did that tbh.

Original poster
ARR14 · 23/04/2020 07:35

I just feel a bit disappointed to be honest...he’s always been adamant that Instagram is more for art and interests however I feel like this wouldn’t have come up had we not been in lockdown...I don’t want to come off as a crazy stalker (even though that is basically how I’ve discovered this...Hmm) Classic case of looking and looking until you find something incriminating...something I’ve found myself doing probably due to the difference in this relationship and the way my previous ones have been.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/04/2020 07:37

It isn't the men making you feel inadequate, its your own self esteen allowing you to feel bad. Can you find an online confidence course? Someone can only make you feel inferior with your consent

As for the insta, I don't think it means anything. He's not messaging these women or trying to meet them is he?

FlowerArranger · 23/04/2020 07:49

There you go: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden

Hayfevered · 23/04/2020 07:51

Personally, I think anyone following anything on Instagram is mildly tragic at any age, but then I also think that anyone watching porn is actively colluding in the sexual exploitation and objectification of women, so the relationship would be over. However, this is your relationship and your choice. I do agree with @Shoxfordian that you are making yourself feel inadequate, and that this is something to work on, but I also wonder whether you simply don’t trust him, hence the stalking?

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 23/04/2020 07:52

He watches porn. Could the models just be part of the fantasy? So easily nothing but pictures? Everyone likes to look at pretty things.

FWIW, dh follows a lot of fitness models both male and female as he's a PT and a lot of them post their training on Instagram, and he will (when working) look at them to stuff he can use with his corrects (or as it is atm, stuff he can try out)

Personally I wouldn't be fussed, However, you're questioning it, something has set you off, be it past experience, or what he's said.
As for mentioning it, could you say a word thing happened and Instagram had suggested you might want to follow so and so, when you clicked the profile it said he was a follower and you weren't expecting that after previous conversations?

newstarting · 23/04/2020 07:53

I follow sexy American cheerleaders on Instagram! I think they’re hot and I love watching their routines. I’m not gay and it’s just a bit of fun. I also follow Ryan Reynolds because wowzers he’s sexy as F. It’s just a bit of fun and I think you’re taking social media way too seriously. It’s not like he’s going to leave for one of them

Original poster
ARR14 · 23/04/2020 07:58

I agree with the self esteem...that’s been an issue most of my life and something I need work on.

As far as the relationship goes...he hasn’t actually done anything (aside from the following) that would indicate that I shouldn’t trust him. The “models” aren’t even based in this country so I know there’s no plans to meet them. He hasn’t had a great deal of experience relationship wise but has always answered any questions honestly and been consistent with his contact and behaviour. Which is why I’m thrown by the following. I don’t trust easily, and tend to distrust until proved I can! (Not healthy I know...)

OP posts:
MrsMonicaBing · 23/04/2020 08:03

My dad does this 🤮 I don't think he realises other people can see what he's liked/ followed. He's been married to my mum for 30 years, she isn't on social media so she will be absolutely oblivious. He likes pictures of girls younger than me... I just think it's wierd. Fair enough you can like a picture in your head but why go about pressing the like button for all to see? It's just disrespectful IMO. Sorry I don't have any real advice OP

lottieloop · 23/04/2020 08:04

OP your creepy man needs to learn the 'scroll past' Hmm

MrsMonicaBing · 23/04/2020 08:06

Sorry I've just realised you said your partner hasn't liked anything, only followed

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 23/04/2020 08:11

Op- why are you so concerned about what he thinks of you???

anditgoeson · 23/04/2020 08:23

Of youre ok with him watching porn then I wouldnt be too bothered about him looking at pretty women on Instagram. It's all fantasy really. There are lots of beautiful people in the world and I think it's ok to look. It's real life people that are the threat really. Also, lockdown is really boring if your on your own and he might just be doing it out of boredom. I definitely think working on your own self esteem would help. It's hard when you get to 40, I've been suffering with low self esteem myself since I've gotten older.

I dont think its particularly attractive, and it's not a nice though to think of your partner doing this. I think its something you have to make a decision on, either you accept that he's a guy who looks and you're ok with that or your not. If youre ok with it stop looking at his social media and try your best to put it out of your mind. Or, if youre not ok you need to vocalise it with him now. He may not realise how much it bothers you and if he knows he may unfollow them, it may just be something he got into when he was single.

Original poster
ARR14 · 23/04/2020 08:23

I’m not actually normally on Instagram...he directed me to his page to show me the photos he’s taken (keen photographer) so I can only bring this up after admitting I’ve checked who he follows 🙈 no idea if he’s liked these girls images...not about to scroll through

I don’t want to cause damage to a potentially amazing relationship if I admit this I may be doing that...although very tempted to send him that video lottieloop 😂

OP posts:
lottieloop · 23/04/2020 08:27

OP send him the link!

Following these girls is just as bad as liking the photos!

The video link explains it WinkGrinBlush

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 23/04/2020 08:35

I really get this. I really really liked a guy for couple of years and when he added me on Twitter and I saw he followed page three girls that completely killed it for me.
It just made me think of The Sun or Nuts/Zoo magazine and sorry but just knew then that we fundamentally were not compatible 😂. Some people may not be bothered it just showed he was not the guy for me.
And it gave me the ick.

ChristmasFluff · 23/04/2020 08:50

I don't think it's all about your confidence, OP, I think your gut is twingeing at the deception - and it is right to.

Why would he lie and make out he is not into something he is into? Because he is pretending to be someone he isn't, at leats in this small way, and possibly in other ways too. He is NOT the 'open' person you thought he was.

It doesn't matter if other people would have (or wouldn't have) an issue with a man following instagram models. What matters is how you feel about him misrepresenting himself as someone who has no time for this sort of thing (your perfectly acceptable preference in a man), when he actually certainly does have time for that sort of thing.

It is how I would feel if a man said he didn't like dogs, then I found out he actually had a dog. Nothing wrong with having dogs for lots of people, but my preference is no dogs, and so the misrepresentation would be worrying.

My experience of lockdown is that people do more of things they enjoy to relieve any boredom. They don't think, 'oooh, I'm not into looking at instagram models - I think I'll go and do that!'

This could be the real him coming out now. Listen to your gut, and remember - the only way to trust others is to trust yourself to have your own back. then your security and safety resides in yourself. You are then free to trust others appropriately as they reveal themselves.

Looking at who he follows on insta is hardly Miss Marple levels of investigation, now, is it? Perfectly normal I would have thought.

Trust yourself.

anditgoeson · 23/04/2020 08:51

Bringing it up may tricky then. I do think sometimes when you are anxious you do look for things that are going confirm your anxieties/fears. I have GAD so I know this too well. He may be a little freaked out if you say you've been looking through Instagram.

Maybe you could bring it up in a different way, like 'hey babe, interesting debate with my friends today about social media......what do you think'. Depends on how cool you can be 🤣

With it being early in your relationship I would urge you to find a resolution to it now because in my experience you need to set your boundaries and what you do and dont want from a relationship now. Just tricky with it being in lockdown.

If the relationship is good in every other way maybe leave it for now, and use this time to think if your anxiety/self esteem is suffering at the moment and that's all it is or is this something that you are really not ok with and if that is the case figure out the best way to approach but either dont let it fester and get worse for you.

I'm speaking from experience here!

anditgoeson · 23/04/2020 08:59

@lottieloop that video is amazing!!!

Original poster
ARR14 · 23/04/2020 09:15

These comments have been really helpful. I do think it’s the element of deception that bothers me more. I don’t mind the porn thing as he was never one who denied using it (not that he brings it up in conversation or anything)

He’s also liked female Facebook friends selfies which I’ve tried to not let bother me but it does always happen to be on the selfies rather than general posts.... ah I hate social media! The video does sum it up really...I don’t mind him looking, that’s normal and I do it also, it’s the feeling that he’s actively seeking out the images and following/liking them instead of just looking at them 😕

I feel disappointed as I really have fallen for him and so many other elements of the relationship have been so good. I have my issues but I’m also aware that niggles like this could cause bigger problems further down the line if not addressed.

OP posts:
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