Help needed

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Hi this is my first post on here and was just wondering if anyone could help with some advice. I’m in a very difficult situation at the moment and my head is all over the place.

The issue I have is that I’ve been dating a guy for 9 nearly 10 years and he hasn’t shown any form of commitment whatsoever in the time we have been together I have purchased a house for us which he visits only at weekends Friday and Saturday night then returns to his parents home he is aged 46!!

I’ve really tried everything within my power to make the transition for him to move in an easy one but think he has severe commitment issues. This year in early January I found out he was messaging someone else which made me even more angry he accidentally sent me a message meant for someone else detailing explicit things.

I confronted him that Friday and asked what was going on and he told me he has been messaging someone from his past before we met apparently they messaged him out of the blue and it spiralled out of control from there. I don’t believe it at all.

I laid the cards down and said go but after a night of talking and talking agreed to give him another chance. I’ve been super paranoid since and now I am really struggling during lockdown. It was my birthday earlier this week and I got nothing from him in the post not even a card he did text and is continuing to text me throughout lockdown but refused to isolate with me.

After nearly 10 years should I break this off and move on with my life or continue to put everything on hold for someone who may not commit?

I’ve never met his family nor has he agreed to meet mine I have visited his orents house when they were on holiday to spend time together but that’s about it

Any advice would be grateful appreciated

Thanks x

Get rid he’s a mummy’s boy you’ll be his mother not partner. Sorry to be so blunt but your worth better than this, if he’s not committed now he never will do 🤗.

He's 46 and wanted to lock down with his mum and dad rather than his partner of 10 years.

What do you think you should do? Because it seems stunningly obvious to me.

Hi thanks for your quick response I've felt like this for a long time myself and some things he does prove he's very independent good job etc but I'm only 30 and was 20 when we met but wouldn't dream of still being at home with my parents I have always found that side of things weird

I misread it as 9 nearly10 months, and was going to say cut your losses, move on, he’s not worth it as he’s clearly got one foot out of the door. (Or in fact, both feet out the door!)

But 9-10 YEARS . What the hell are you still doing with him?! He’s a total waste of space, put him in the bin and find someone who isn’t a sexting cheating commitment-phobic mummy’s boy.

Oh god that’s even worse! You’ve wasted your prime years with this prince? If you want to have kids you need to get rid of him ASAP and start looking for someone who’s husband/father material.

Hi Rusu92

Thanks for the advice I've had lengthy chats with my friends and family about this I'm really struggling as lockdown has brought a lot of these feelings on top. I feel like I've got used to the routine of him coming at a weekend and being gone Sunday afternoon but now I just feel like I am strong to survive on my own and the last four weeks have proved that but it's still a scary things especially after giving up a large part of yourself and your life for someone who can't do the same.

Don’t waste any more of your time with him

I can absolutely see why after 10 years it feels safer to stick with him, but I guarantee you’ll regret it if you do. Maybe this lockdown is a blessing, allowing you to naturally separate from him.

There is a small excuse at 20, dating a 36 year old mummy's boy who still lives at home. But at 30? You only have yourself to blame if you carry on.

Thanks for all your replies
It's just very hard I feel like we've been through a lot despite him not being there for me I think I've got some serious thinking to do x

Why are you wasting your time?

Move onwards and upwards after 10 years this relationship isn’t going anywhere

9/10 years and you have never met his family? Perhaps he goes to his wife not mummy? Regardless, it's been a long learning. Lesson learned, graduate and move on.

But what do you mean "I bought us a house?". I hope he doesn't co-own it? If so, get legal advice ASAP

Hi Gingerscallop
I bought the house and the mortgage is in my name only he has no signed writes to the property thank god but we chose the place together I pay all the bills and he doesn't contribute apart from occasionally buying food and occasionally a piece of technology.

With regards to his wife I know he is definitely not married as the first few months we were dating I background checked him on the electoral roll etc to make sure what he was saying was true he definitely lives with his parents but it's almost just as bad as being married

OP get the fuck out! Honestly, you will never forgive yourself if you don’t. The next ten years will pass faster than the last; imagine looking back at forty and having wasted twenty years with this prat!

Oh my goodness, don’t waste any more of your time with him. You are 30, these are some of your best years, go and enjoy them!

He will not change.

He will never commit. It's an absolute guarantee. It will be like this forever. This is how he likes it.

Thanks for all the help and reconfirming my thoughts I'm just scared of truth be told of being alone before we got together I had boyfriends but nothing long term and i guess it's the fear of the unknown

Your relationship sounds completely one sided. You’ve been together for almost 10 years and he’s behaving as if you’ve been together for 10 days. It sounds shady, like you’re a secret and he has another life going on.

He doesn’t sound like he has been there for you. He’s 46 so I don’t think his “commitment issues“ will ever change - this is the life that you will be stuck with if you stay. Just stuck in perpetual limbo. It’s understandably making you unhappy. And there’s so much more to life, you really shouldn’t settle for this.

I’m in my 20s & I think I’d be disappointed at being in this situation in my 30s. What would your younger self tell you to do? I’m sure you didn’t envisage the relationship ending up like this. I get that there’s a bit of a sunk cost fallacy on your behalf going on after 10 years, but your time and effort should really be spent elsewhere as he doesn’t see an issue with your weird set up

Hi browzingss
Thanks for your kind words and your absolutely right I've given my friends advice to bin there low life ex's for less serious issues so maybe it is time to practise what I preach I never envisaged 10 years ago I'd be stuck in this position I thought things would be very different and I'd be settled with a family like a lot of my friends.

Maybe the way to look at this is to think about the 9 - 10 years you have essentially wasted on someone who clearly has no intention of being in a proper relationship with you and then imagining what it would look like if you had met someone who shared the same interests, beliefs, love, commitment etc. I think the difference would be huge. You can't get the lost years back sadly but you can ensure you don't waste any more time.

Out of interest, I wonder what his Mum thinks about the situation? Do you even exist officially?

Ten years and it doesn't sound like you know him at all. You dont see him during the week, you've never met his family and he chats up other women. Face it, you are little more than a convenience to him. And considering the age gap, I wouldn't be surprised if he was a bit of a dirty old man and the woman he was messaging was a young thing.

You're only 30,you have your whole life ahead. Dont waste it with this twat.
Also, again, the parent thing is really odd. I mean if my kid dated a woman fir 10 years I would have expected to have met her...8 years ago. Very strange. Maybe he hasn't even mentioned you.

Hi mssmith
Ive always assumes she knows I exist as he spends every weekend with me then returns home on a Sunday I don't know what he tells her about me. I have tried to probe deeper into meeting his family and he meeting mine but he shows little interest my mum buys him birthday and Christmas presents and he buys my mum gifts in return I've done the same for his mum but never received anything back so not sure it's all a bit weird the more I think about it.

I know your all right with what your saying I just need to think now logistically how I'm going to do it there is never a right time but in lockdown it's 10 times harder as his parents live 40 miles away and I would prefer it if we didn't end via a text message I'd like to think I'm a bit more grown up than that even if he isn't x

Text? Can you not end it via phonecall? Honestly I think that would be good enough for him considering how he has treated you.

Yes I could do it via phone call I know his preferred method of contact with me is text though as sometimes he won't answer the phone

I know what your thinking as I'm thinking the same it's taken this impartial advice to really help me