Help needed

[Adviceneeded12989]

Hi this is my first post on here and was just wondering if anyone could help with some advice. I’m in a very difficult situation at the moment and my head is all over the place.

The issue I have is that I’ve been dating a guy for 9 nearly 10 years and he hasn’t shown any form of commitment whatsoever in the time we have been together I have purchased a house for us which he visits only at weekends Friday and Saturday night then returns to his parents home he is aged 46!!

I’ve really tried everything within my power to make the transition for him to move in an easy one but think he has severe commitment issues. This year in early January I found out he was messaging someone else which made me even more angry he accidentally sent me a message meant for someone else detailing explicit things.

I confronted him that Friday and asked what was going on and he told me he has been messaging someone from his past before we met apparently they messaged him out of the blue and it spiralled out of control from there. I don’t believe it at all.

I laid the cards down and said go but after a night of talking and talking agreed to give him another chance. I’ve been super paranoid since and now I am really struggling during lockdown. It was my birthday earlier this week and I got nothing from him in the post not even a card he did text and is continuing to text me throughout lockdown but refused to isolate with me.

After nearly 10 years should I break this off and move on with my life or continue to put everything on hold for someone who may not commit?

I’ve never met his family nor has he agreed to meet mine I have visited his orents house when they were on holiday to spend time together but that’s about it

Any advice would be grateful appreciated

Thanks x

Try and phone him and when he doesn’t pick up, text him and say “I didn’t want to do this by text but as you don’t pick up your phone and we’re not going to see each other in person any time soon, I don’t have a choice” then hit him with the dumping. Honestly it’s more than he deserves - ghosting would be too good for him!

I wonder - is he of a different culture/religion to you which might make his family disapprove of you? As for him not having a wife, you can't be absolutely sure of that, people are not always on the electoral register for various reasons and they both could be living with his parents if their house is big enough. That is not unusual in some societies.

It seems such a shame for a young person like you to be so used. I'd feel the same if you were older if you were hurt. I know some women like a part time relationship, it gives them freedom to just be themselves and they look forward to seeing boyfriend a couple of times a week because they're not together enough to get fed up with each other. You, however, don't fit into that category.

There is a nice chap out there somewhere, similar age to you, who would like a proper relationship leading to settling down, even children. Don't waste any more time on this devious loser.

Gosh, you deserve better than this FWB relationship.

Get rid.

Get rid of him quick, he will soon be turning into an old man, his mum will die and you will be stuck being carer to an elderly commitment phobe. Find yourself a nice young guy and maybe have children if you want to.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but why on Earth are you wasting your time with a guy that will never commit to you. He will NEVER commit.
Please get out now and find someone who can give you all the things you truly want and desire in a relationship. From the sounds of it, you are essentially single anyway, just without the benefit of being able to go out and meet someone! I cannot fathom why you would put up with behaviour like that for a second longer.
10 years and not even a birthday card!!!!! What a loser

He’s not that into you.
Dump and move on. A new life for yourself. Go for it.

What rusu92 said.

He has a second life....all be it with his parents and he will never commit I don't think.

Your young and I think you have invested more than enough of you time into this one sided relationship. You deserve more and being in lockdown will just make it so much easier for you to walk away.

Are you still in contract regular with him?

Dont waste another minute on him.

Great wake up call.
The house is in your name and you are only 30!

This is very odd. Are you sure his parents actually live there? The fact that you’ve never even spoken to them in the 10 years you’ve been seeing him would strongly suggest they aren’t. Also the fact that he doesn’t answer his phone is highly suspect.

Have you never been round and knocked his door OP? Would he have put you off if you’d texted and said, ‘I’m just round the corner, shall I pop round for an hour?’

Either way this is a seriously fucked up situation for a woman your age. You’ve missed out on your 20s waiting on a man who is quite happy to string you along.

I bet he’s married.

This is the strangest relationship I've heard of. I can't really believe he's living with his parents and is there on lock down with them when he could be with you.

I would bet my house that he doesn't give "his mother" those presents.

I would really want to do some serious research into this guy but I can see that's not healthy

Google "sunk cost fallacy in relationships" - it's where “a prior investment in one option leads to a continuous investment in that option, despite not being the best decision.”

It's just very hard I feel like we've been through a lot despite him not being there for mE

Google the sunk costs fallacy

When you give him a birthday or Christmas gift does he leave it at yours or take it home to his parents. I also had a bf who refused to introduce me to his family. He lived on his own in a flat but I'm sure his wife who he was separated from was also there, I only went to his flat twice. But whenever I gave him a gift he left it at mine, of course so his wife wouldn't see it and ask where was it from.

Do you want children? Marriage? Because this guy will never do that with you, he's clearly got no intention of treating you as anything other than a FWB. After nearly a decade together he can't even be arsed to send you a birthday card.

I know you said you're scared of the unknown, but honestly, how can it be worse than wasting more time with this guy? He doesn't make you happy and the longer you invest your hopes in him you're closing the door to the potential of an actual fulfilling relationship.

"I know you said you're scared of the unknown, but honestly, how can it be worse than wasting more time with this guy? He doesn't make you happy and the longer you invest your hopes in him you're closing the door to the potential of an actual fulfilling relationship."

This. Life is not a dress rehearsal. It is for living. You've said yourself you imagined you would have settled down and started a family by now. Of course you did because after 10 years together that is where most people would be. This relationship has made no progress in 10 years and this man is a waste of space (and that's assuming that he genuinely does still live with his parents; in fact, to me it sounds like he's probably married and you're an OW; at best you're FWB. Whatever - it's all very odd). Indeed, I think it's significant that he - as a man in his mid-30s - started dating you as a 20 year old. I think he deliberately chose someone who probably wouldn't want to settle down for a while whereas women his own age would generally have been looking for more serious commitment. And he has not adapted his thinking in the meantime.

30 is still young but please do NOT waste any more time with this man as he has nothing to offer you that is actually worth having and being with him has held you back massively. Google sunk cost fallacy - the fact that you've already spent 10 years with him is NOT a reason to waste any more time on him. You will certainly not forgive yourself if you waste any more of your potential child-bearing years with this man and lose the opportunity to have a family altogether.

And you don't need to see him face to face to end it. This is a man who's kept you secret for 10 years. Ring him up and if he doesn't answer the phone, send him a text. Get rid and start looking forward to all the fresh opportunities that a future without him will offer you.

PS without wanting to alarm you, your biological clock is ticking so if you want dc you’d better get on with dating nice guys after lockdown as you want to know your partner for a good while before deciding if you should have dc with him.
Don’t have dc with your current guy. He’s not that into you.

After nearly 10 years should I break this off and move on with my life or continue to put everything on hold for someone who may not commit?

May not commit?
He hasn't committed for 10 years and it's 100% certain, clear as day that he will not commit.

The 'never meeting his parent's' thing is very weird, not once in 10 years???
There's something not adding up there. Seriously, do you even know this man or what he is up to.

You’re not his partner. You’re just his weekend shag. I can’t believe you’ve wasted so much time on this geezer.

Bloody hell
At least one positive effect of this pandemic for you will be pushing you to dump this pointless loser and give yourself a chance of a real relationship

He's a time waster, and immature with it. He doesn't truly want to move in. Even if he did, he'd regret it and be resentful.

Out of curiosity, do you ever go out together? What happens at Christmas? Easter?

Please, get rid. And get counselling. You need to know why you've accepted this.

(and if I was your mum I'd be buggered if I was buying him presents!)

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Well, to answer Mary Oliver's question, you could do worse than start by reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem (Nathaniel Barden).