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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and stuck with man I don’t love

58 replies

kittenrug · 22/04/2020 16:26

I’ve only been with him for 8 months (he’s 34 I’m 29), I found out I was pregnant 3 months ago after a contraception failure.

I was in a vulnerable place when we met, I knew I never loved him but had I been in a better place mentally and emotionally I wouldn’t have continued the relationship. He has zero personality and I’m sick of the same surface level conversations daily, we have nothing in common, we have no connection, never laugh, he’s boring, he hardly talks unless spoken to, the sex is terrible and I’ve never been sexually attracted to him and especially not now being pregnant. I think I felt safe with him after being hurt from a previous relationship. He is financially set for life and very generous I would have a great secure life with him for me and the baby but I can’t be with someone I don’t love for the sake of money and security. I keep thinking to myself how did my life end up like this?! What happened to myself! I don’t even feel like me anymore I feel like my soul is dying and now I’m about to bring a baby into this... What do I do?

OP posts:
MsCRobinson · 22/04/2020 18:52

Hey. I had an uncannily similiar experience. Ignore the people who have the magic answer 👀 Nothing is ever clear cut.
You will find whatever is right for you..and your baby..whatever you decide
Love isn't always instant. Love isn't always lovey dovey and sex. Being IN LOVE is not the same as love...far ftom it.
At the moment you have little choice about your address unless you feel you really need to get away. I would urge against seeking refuse in a hostel or domestic abuse accommodation as they are brimming over as it is.

I dont know if you have anyone to share this with in your family and friends.

Incidently..we stayed together..have had separate sleeping arrangements...our daughter is 16 now. Works for us.

AnotherMurkyDay · 22/04/2020 19:00

You are not stuck. You are going to be a mum, he's going to be a dad, but you don't have to be together to do that.

Original poster
kittenrug · 22/04/2020 19:39

We live in my apartment so it’s not about me having no where to go it’s him not having anywhere to go because he has tenants in his house. It’s a 2 bed with outdoor space so I can still raise the baby here for now. I just never wanted to bring a child into a broken home and never wanted to be a single mum :( He isn’t a bad person and neither am I we just aren’t compatible.

To the poster who said about bringing children into a shit show relationship - Unfortunately life isn’t always so straightforward. I was faced with a tough decision to keep my baby or not, either decision had negative consequences so I choose what felt right for me at the time. I do hope you never face such decisions in your ‘perfect’ life.

OP posts:
BrooHaHa · 22/04/2020 19:47

Why do people insist on bringing children into shitshows like this

Why do people insist on kicking others when they're down? It's not like OP can jump in a time machine- how is the above comment in any way helpful?

BackseatCookers · 22/04/2020 20:03

Please don't call parents making the choice to split and coparent a "broken home".

It's that type of language that you ends up contributing to women staying in relationships they don't want to be in.

It's not a broken home if parents aren't together, you using that horrid language is making you feel worse about it all.

Neveranynamesleft · 22/04/2020 20:15

Please remember that your hormones are raging at the moment, it's a difficult time to be making life changing decisions. I think it would be best to get in touch with somewhere like a pregnancy advisory place to have a talk in more detail with someone trained , for help and advice .

Original poster
kittenrug · 22/04/2020 20:16

Thank you @BrooHaHa x

You are right @BackseatCookers that’s what makes me feel sad. But I do know that two parents that can healthily co parent are better than living together unhappy.

Sat on opposite sofas now he hasn’t said a word to me in 2 1/2 hours, and won’t for another 2 unless I say something. I wouldn’t wish this type of relationship on anyone it’s mind numbing.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 22/04/2020 20:32

But I do know that two parents that can healthily co parent are better than living together unhappy.

You have the resources to do that - you should go for it. You can be friends and brilliant parents without being a couple. Otherwise you're going to teach your child that unhappy is what normal relationship look like. Thanks

Neepers · 22/04/2020 20:34

Wouldn’t it be better to call time now before you end up hating him? Hopefully you can be friendly and work together for the benefit of your child. Perhaps cite personality differences and hope that he sees this as a chance to work together rather than being dumped?

AngeloftheSnorth · 22/04/2020 20:45

It’s not ideal but it is going to be ok kittenrug

It’s an unusual situation but split from him when you can, coparent, make sure you both put your son first it can work

It did for me -yes I never wanted to be a single parent and yes perhaps if I was married or I’d waited or whatever I’d be materially better off but my son is nearly 20 happy at uni (or was) we get on, I get on with his dad it’s not a ‘shitshow’ (how insulting)

It’s hard now as you are emotional and hormonal. I had be very clear in my mind what I wanted and that was a happy successful (in whatever way he wanted to be) son and I would do what was needed

Take care of yourself

Aly92 · 22/04/2020 21:03

Have you told him how you felt. I get it your not compatible. But you need to tell him how you feel so that he can mentally start preparing himself. He probably feels the same way but feels responsible and doesn’t want to ditch you. Honestly he seems like a really good guy for sticking through and not running the minute he heard baby a lot of women in your position wish they had that.

Tell him how you feel and hear him out too. Communication is key here . Good luck!

Scott72 · 22/04/2020 21:25

How is coparenting going to work since it seems she doesn't even like spending time around him? She needs to move out ASAP, and arrange visitation rights and child support payments.

Original poster
kittenrug · 22/04/2020 21:28

To be honest I don’t think I’ll ever tell him the truth. He is in love and wants to be a family how can I tell him how I really feel?! He isn’t much of a talker anyway most things I bring up are met with one word answers we’ve never had a deep conversation about anything so I don’t even see the point.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 22/04/2020 21:29

I think you either accept things as they are and dwell on the positive in the relationship. Which would be very hard going off what you have said. Or make a clean break along the lines of this just isnt going to work. Sorry and all that. Goodbye.

Original poster
kittenrug · 22/04/2020 21:33

@Scott72 Co parenting will be no problem for me as long as he doesn’t change or turn nasty he can see his child whenever he likes and I’m sure we will figure out a schedule. We live in my house he has no where to go right now if I end it.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 22/04/2020 21:34

Didn't see your post. People get hurt at the end of relationships. But dragging it on for a few years and maybe another child then leaving would be a lot worse IMHO.

CayrolBaaaskin · 22/04/2020 21:57

Don’t listen to all the ghastly posts. You definitely can’t stay with him but you can successfully co parent. My parents were married and together but miserable. If you can both act like adults and be good parents then it will all be fine. I’m a single parent and I love it.

Best of luck op. Flowers

LouiseCollina · 22/04/2020 23:32

Please ignore some of the posts on here OP, pure nonsense some of them and I’m sure you can make out which ones I’m talking about for yourself.

The only thing to do here is to leave the relationship, and do it before the baby is born. That way he or she will never know the heartbreak of its parents separating. It’ll be tough but it’ll be a lot easier than the alternative.

So what if he’s put his house up for rent? Has anyone moved into it yet? If not I’d be getting on with the break up immediately. You owe it to yourself to get out of this mess and get on with the rest of your life.

Your head will be so much clearer when this relationship is behind you. You owe it to nobody, least of all your child, to stay in a relationship where you are miserable and bored shitless. The best of luck to you, Flowers

Shineonyou · 22/04/2020 23:46

Christ almighty CreamWhitecakes please don’t post on my threads.

Why are you even on this site? It’s for people to be positive, supportive and non judgemental.

Or are you so perfect? Doubt it somehow.

Jeez Confused

AgentJohnson · 23/04/2020 08:13

There is no depth or enjoyment to the relationship at all and just because I feel like that doesn’t make me a bad person.

No it doesn’t but you can’t keep stringing him along because you won’t make a decision.

newstarting · 23/04/2020 08:20

Just end it. Be brave. Tell him “I’m sorry. I thought this could work but it can’t. I don’t love you and I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore” then you can work out where he goes from there. Find somewhere else for him to rent or he can give his tenants notice. In fact it’s bettef he gives his tenants notice now rather than wasting more time

ErickBroch · 23/04/2020 08:38

I think you're being pretty mean to him. You have quite openly said you were with him for his finances. You aren't stuck, you just don't want to lose his financial security. He deserves the truth and it will be best for both of you to split and happily co-parent rather than be miserable.

ErickBroch · 23/04/2020 08:39

Also the broken home phrase is awful. My parents split when I was 2 and they co-parented very amicably and I had a great childhood. Both my parents and step-parents get along and it can work really well. So don't think it'll be bad for your child! :)

Pinkblueberry · 23/04/2020 09:05

Also the broken home phrase is awful. My parents split when I was 2 and they co-parented very amicably and I had a great childhood.

And on the flip side my parents stayed together for 25 years although my mum was always very openly resentful towards him and they didn’t get on - that’s what I would call a ‘broken home.’ It makes for a very difficult and awkward family life growing up. When my dad told me that he and my mum were divorcing I was genuinely happy for them. I think people who didn’t understand how dysfunctional our family life really was thought I was just pretending to be ok about it and I was like ‘no I’m not just ok, I’m genuinely happy and relieved...’

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 23/04/2020 09:07

I nearly married a man like this. It was better than the hurt I had experienced in a previously abusive relationship, but it was sleepwalking into disaster. Luckily I woke up before I did it and left him. In your position I would consider an abortion and run like the wind.