Trust issues with partner

[Aly92]

We’ve been married for three years. I hadn’t been with anyone before him and he claimed the same. He’s quite anti social and shy by nature so honestly him approaching girls didn’t even seem right to me. We had an arranged marriage. A year after we moved out from my in laws i found a box under the bed.

I’d never suspected him before , ever but the weeks leading up he’d been acting off and as I changed the bedsheets that day and lifted up the mattress, something just told me to pick up the box. It must have been there for ages and I’d never even noticed it. I opened it and my heart dropped it was filled to the brim with love letters from an ex. little trinkets from the places they had visited, a wristband from a trip they’d been on. Her last letter was a goodbye letter dated around the time of our engagement. When I asked him about her he denied knowing her until I showed him the box. He didn’t say much apart from sorry and I think not having that closure messed with me.

I was baffled. He must have broke things off when we got engaged but the fact that he had a previous gf when he acted like I was his first made me feel like everything was a lie. the letters described someone very different to who I was with at that point. I was heartbroken. The fact that he’d brought the letters from his parents house and sneaked them under our bed For a year destroyed me.

Things were Rocky for a long time, the feelings never really go away. A few months later I found he’d applied for dating websites. I saw no messages just that he applied for one. He’s been possessive over his phone since marriage and that made things worse.

Things between us have gotten better this year once I gave him an ultimatum to change or I was out but there are still days where I think if I ever got a hold of his phone I might find something messed up.

Anyone been through this. How do you get past it or deal with it. When things are good it’s good but when he annoys me or acts like a prick it’s like everything comes rushing back . My feelings seem to go from one extreme to another depending on how he is with me and I hate that

I don’t have any advice for you, sorry, I just want to say I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I hope that you get some great advice off all the lovely people on here, MN is a good place to be when you don’t have anybody else to talk to

Thank you we have a child together so I want this to work. We’ve been living in a rented house for the past two years but considering the past and the fact that he refuses to move and us get our own home just puts me in a constant limbo and state of confusion

Did he want to get married or was he pressured into it?

He was heavily influenced by his parents. To the point where I couldn’t live with them because they were dictating our life and he couldn’t seem to stand up to them. Looking back he probably didn’t take a stand because he probably didn’t even want to be married. I knew his mother but didn’t know him and she took a liking to me. He knew he’d have to get married and we talked a few times and he seemed eager at the time. Us moving out and paying bills were all big things for him because he’d been so coddled . He’s seem to have settled into it all now we’ve found our footing but the trust isn’t fully there.

He told me two weeks into our Honeymoon that he loved me which I found off since we barely knew each other and if anything he came on really strong on our honeymoon. To the point I felt he was more into me. Maybe he was trying desperately to forget his ex.

God knows what he was thinking

It sounds like at the time he was in a relationship with someone else and something he had to give up, which is sad (it obviously meant something to him to keep a box), to please his mother, and he got married. That being said, he chose to get married, he had a choice and in doing so means he's with you, not on dating sites etc... If he really didn't want to get married he should have found his balls and said something at the time, not treat you this way.
What would happen if you were to leave?

It is terribly sad for the both of you. He had a love which if he had had stood up to his parents he could have married.

Instead you are both trapped in a marriage which won't be happy and fulfilling for either of you.

Well I’m not working at the moment so if struggle to get my own house. I got pregnant just as I had left a job and was in the middle of interviews so I made a choice to stay home. I’m currently pregnant just found out a few weeks ago. I think I suffered a lot from the controlling emotional abuse form his parents and his indifference. Expecting me to tolerate it but I guess in his kind he just saw me as a person he married for his parents. It never made sense to me until I saw that box.

He’s still so possessive over his phone and his excuse is he never lets anyone touch it. He struggles to share his feelings he always has. But when I saw thy ode letters they seemed to connected I kind of became obsessed did she know him the way I don’t. Apparently they were only together for two months but I guess that doesn’t matter.

His family obviously have no idea. He would secretly meet her so I goes he went from having a secret relationship with nothing to worry about to marriage with responsibilities and the whole situation with me and his parents was super straining. I think he just didn’t expect that and really had no clue what marriage would entail.

I’m someone that look to talk and he’s the type that wants to watch tv in peace, isn’t into a lot of conversation and so we’re quite different people and although I do care of him sometimes I crave stimulating conversation but I don’t know if that’s just him or him with me

Is he still in touch with her?

When I found out I looked at his smart watch and he still had her number saved. They used to work together she left the job shortly after they broke up and she’s married so I doubt it. I think it was the fact that he lied and then hid those letters instead of disposing them that really hurt me

Do you truly love him?

If you could have chosen your ownpartner, would you have chosen him?

What would happen if you left?

That’s a tough one. Arranged marriages are tough to explain but basically I looked at a few potential people as weird as that sounds and I chose him. My parents were actually against it because they thought he was too quiet they thought I could do better. My brother actually forsaw it he said it’s worrying that he’s so quiet what if you have issues tomorrow and he won’t speak up for you and that’s exactly what happened and why we struggle.

So I don’t know how he felt about me when he said he s to getting married but myself I actually had a bit of tension with my family for choosing him. I thought I was good with my gut instinct and from the time we spent getting to know each other he seemed like a really nice and decent man and that’s all I honestly wanted.

My parents would be supportive they’ve always said they are there whenever I decide to leave. I fought tooth and nail to get us where we are. When I shouldn’t have had to try to hard. Now we seem to be in a pace where we do have a better understanding and I do think he loves me and I’m sure I love him. But heck I’ve never been with anyone else do I really even know what love is.

His family would defiantly make the separation messy since they already detest me and he’d just do whatever they tell him to do and that scares me

Would it affect your future prospects (sorry not sure how to word it) ie. Marriage again, if you divorced him?

I don't think he has your back or ever will.

Once your divorced, especially as a woman in our culture, it hard to find another person. So although we gave our ups and down I tell myself he had his good moments too, he’s the father of my children. I just see what others have and I so wish I had that friendship where we could tell each other everything. I crave that solid partner ship.

What a terribly sad situation for both of you, OP. You are both victims of a repressive culture that hasn’t allowed either of you the time to grow up, date several partners, gain experience, find out what you actually want in a partner, and take time living together to see if you are truly compatible.
By all means try to make this marriage work, but it requires equal effort from your husband- you cannot build a successful relationship on your own, it takes two!
If things didn’t work, and you ended up divorced, you seem to be saying that it would be difficult for you to ever remarry within your own culture. But that culture is not the whole world. Would you consider dating a westerner, who could have much more liberal ideas on marriage and women’s rights etc? Would your family accept such a partner if they saw that he loved you and you were happy?
What I’m trying to say is that you may have more options than just 1) a lonely life single and divorced or 2) an unhappy marriage.
And finally, couples counselling, if your husband was willing to attend, might help with communication between you.
Good luck, OP. I hope you can resolve this to reach a happier future.

Being secretive with his phone is concerning. Especially if he wasn’t that keen on getting married in the first place. And you know he’s capable of lying to you. It takes both of you to make the marriage work and it doesn’t sound like he’s making the effort. And it sounds horrible what you went through with the in laws. Not sure what the best course of action is for you, but I hope you find something that works for you.

I’ve been to counselling we had a period where things were really rough. He was emotionally abusive and I just felt like shit all the time. It wasn’t until a year back I gave him ultimatum that he started to change and make an effort more.

He works full time but doesn’t have the best hours so his wage isn’t what it should be. I get universal credit and im in charge of food shopping and anything related to our child. Nappies / clothes and food etc. Since that load is off him I thought he’d be saving money but he always says he’s in overdraft and I just don’t get it. We were supposed get our own house some years back and we’ve been waiting for his parents to give him money for his side of the deposit. Going 50/50. because when we got engaged he took out a 20 grand loan out for them I only found out when I stumbled across the letter.

They’ve paid him back quite a bit of it I think. But he hasn’t asked for the deposit money and where I want to move forward and think about schools for our child and buying our own home. He’s happy living in the crappy old house that we’re renting from his fathers friend. There’s so many things wrong with it. Heater leaking, the fridge is messed there’s mould and damp which I’ve been tackling alone. But he says he’s happy staying here. I have a feeling they’ve cut some deal and they’ve probably lowered the rent but he won’t tell me all this. Since his father and his friend are involved. It’s just a constant limbo and I just wish he would share why he makes the decisions he does so I know what’s going on.

Things are great as long as I don’t bring up issues with the house or house hunting. We need a new cooker because the oven stopped working shortly after we bought it and he refuses to help get it. He bought this old cheap cooker from eBay but I’m the one who cooks without an oven and shitty cooker. But he won’t put a penny towards a new one. As long as I don’t bring these things up he’s lovely but the minute I bring up an issue then we have a problem.

He’s great with our child. Helps with everything and will watch her so I can have a lie in. never helped with housework don’t think he will tbh which I’ve acc

Accepted

Do not accept this life for yourself and in turn your child.

If he was any sort of a decent human being he would not treat you as the mother of his child,and in turn his child, like this. He is an adult too but he sees the housework and associated mental load as your sole job, he being too important in his head to give this and you any real consideration. The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his parents.

Going to joint counselling with him was never advisable and is infact never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. He is still emotionally abusive towards you and you are really living in poor and unsanitary conditions under the auspices of a dodgy as hell landlord (there is mould in this property). You have no cooker and your fridge and heater are not working properly, you could all get ill as a result of living there.

That’s exactly what I’m worried about . I sometimes find myself taking really deep breaths to breathe it’s on and off and I’m so worried about it affecting my child. When I was pregnant with her my carbon monoxide reading was above average and when I talked to his fathers friend about it he said he’d call someone but we’d have to pay. Husband thought I was being paranoid he bought a shitty CM reader but it didn’t pick anything up so he thought it was fine. It wasn’t until I put my foot down and made him call someone that confirmed that there was actually CM coming not only from our cooker that I cook form every other day but the old heater in our living room where we spend most of our time. The landlord after that obviously shit themselves and stripped off the old heater and put in a new heating system.

I guess because things are better between us than they used to be I tell myself he’s come quite a way. But I just don’t know if it’s enough. I refuse to live in this place for another year I just don’t see why he doesn’t have the motivation to move out . He knows it’s not ideal but he doesn’t care

Re Babdoc's comment:-
"What I’m trying to say is that you may have more options than just 1) a lonely life single and divorced or 2) an unhappy marriage"

Indeed; these are not just your two options and your H is not at all interested in making things work. He just wants things to suit him.
You're flogging a dead horse here in trying to keep this marriage at all going. Its well and truly over anyway because of how he has treated you.

It is better also to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. My Muslim friend is now a twice divorced single parent and she is not shunned by her family or community nor should she be. Community and culture are not the be all and end all here and you would not want your child to have a marriage like this is. How your H has treated you here has certainly gone against his cultural, religious and community values as well. He has none himself. He has and remains dishonest to himself as well as you.

Indeed; these are not just your two options and your H is not at all interested in making things work. You're flogging a head horse here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
I wonder why you felt it necessary to go against what your parents and brother advised re your now husband. Pride, afraid of being alone, wanting acceptance in the wider world?. It could be a whole host of reasons. I think even now they will be fully supportive of you if you were to leave and its an action I would urge you to take. Your family were targeted by these people and deliberately so too; they saw you all as people to be exploited.

If he refuses to move out of this hovel, then you move out yourself taking your child with you. It is permissible to leave during lockdown and you have very good reason to do so because you are escaping his abuse.

If you or your child got sick as a result of living in this place and it is not beyond the realms of possibility here you would never forgive yourself - or him.

Your child will be affected by all this going on around her because you as her mother are preoccupied and worried all the time. This will affect her. Please ally, go to your parents and start to rebuild your life without this inherently dishonest man, his rotten to the core parents in it and this home which is akin to a hovel. Its unfit for human habitation and your FILs friend is a slum landlord.

OP I feel for you I truly do. I have experienced an extremely similar situation to you as I’m from a similar ethnic background, have the most sexist and abusive in-laws from hell, and a husband who wants to take the easy route and not stand up for us and keep his parents happy. Married life these past few years has been hell and mine was a love marriage.

Finding out about his past relationship and the dating sites must be devastating for you. Personally I think the trust has been broken now, and it’s going to be near impossible to rebuild unless that is something he makes a huge effort to do. In my opinion, this would involve him being completely open with his phone for some time in a bid to rebuild the trust. But his continued secrecy is just making you feel even more insecure which is not good.

My personal advice is that your husband is unlikely to change. He has been subjected to a lifetime of conditioning from his parents which has resulted in him being emotionally abusive, enmeshed with his parents, and having no backbone. It would probably take countless years of individual therapy to undo it all and even then, it has to be something he truly wants which it doesn’t seem he does. So I would probably look to make a decision. If you leave you know there is a stigma attached to it and you will have shared custody of the children, but you can work towards becoming a happier individual on your own. If you stay, know that you are in this on your own. Put you and your children first, carve out a life for yourself, do everything you can to get yourself out of that flat, and ensure he contributes financially. But do not expect him or his family to change. They had their own issues before you came along, and that will not change.

OP, reading your updates, you say your own parents were doubtful about this marriage, and that they are supportive of you.
I think it would make a lot of sense to ask your parents if you and your child can move back in with them, away from your emotionally abusive husband and poor living accommodation. That would give you a breathing space to assess your options and plan your future.
Staying as you are is a recipe for misery.

I’ve been distancing from my parents for a month now and they are vulnerable because of the conditions they have. My brother and sister in law will be moving out shortly after the lockdown but as of now there is no room. I have money saved for a deposit but I’m not working so I wouldn’t be entitled to a mortgage. I also just found out a few weeks ago that I’m pregnant. Moving out may have created distance from his parents but I know they still dictate things he should do. For example his father tells him not to help around the house even though his father does more cooking and cleaning at his house than his mother. He also told hubby not to help with daughter that doing nappies was a woman’s job. So he had a phase where he wouldn’t help. That’s stopped now but you get the gist.

Children or no children I know if he doesn’t change and look at the future I have to go. I can’t live here much longer, especially with another child on the way.

I’ve seen so many threads here where children are controlled by in-laws and their ex partners and I’m so terrified of that. At least right now I have control of where my child goes and who she sees. I’ve never left my child alone with my in laws or stayed the night. Hubby or I always go. They’ve turned so many people against me as well as my husband at one point I don’t think I could take it if they did the same to my children.