Trust issues with partner

[Aly92]

We’ve been married for three years. I hadn’t been with anyone before him and he claimed the same. He’s quite anti social and shy by nature so honestly him approaching girls didn’t even seem right to me. We had an arranged marriage. A year after we moved out from my in laws i found a box under the bed.

I’d never suspected him before , ever but the weeks leading up he’d been acting off and as I changed the bedsheets that day and lifted up the mattress, something just told me to pick up the box. It must have been there for ages and I’d never even noticed it. I opened it and my heart dropped it was filled to the brim with love letters from an ex. little trinkets from the places they had visited, a wristband from a trip they’d been on. Her last letter was a goodbye letter dated around the time of our engagement. When I asked him about her he denied knowing her until I showed him the box. He didn’t say much apart from sorry and I think not having that closure messed with me.

I was baffled. He must have broke things off when we got engaged but the fact that he had a previous gf when he acted like I was his first made me feel like everything was a lie. the letters described someone very different to who I was with at that point. I was heartbroken. The fact that he’d brought the letters from his parents house and sneaked them under our bed For a year destroyed me.

Things were Rocky for a long time, the feelings never really go away. A few months later I found he’d applied for dating websites. I saw no messages just that he applied for one. He’s been possessive over his phone since marriage and that made things worse.

Things between us have gotten better this year once I gave him an ultimatum to change or I was out but there are still days where I think if I ever got a hold of his phone I might find something messed up.

Anyone been through this. How do you get past it or deal with it. When things are good it’s good but when he annoys me or acts like a prick it’s like everything comes rushing back . My feelings seem to go from one extreme to another depending on how he is with me and I hate that

How are things since then how do you make do. Do you just accept it. He wouldn’t go to counselling he didn’t feel there was anything to sort out so I went alone. After it ended I mentally prepared myself to leave before giving him an ultimatum. I basically pleaded with him to let me in and share things with me. And he told me that he didn’t know how that he’d never shared anything with anyone. He stopped the silent treatments he used to give as well as the outburst and a lot of him has changed since then. But it’s the housing and money issues, the still being closed off that hurts. The lack of trust that I don’t think I’ll ever shake off until he really is transparent with me

Does he have a deposit saved? Don’t wait on the parents to honour what they said regarding the money, they may even try to control where you purchase the house. Have your husband put aside x amount each month into a joint savings account to be used for a deposit (this is assuming you want to stay with him). Then at least you can be in a safe home you love and make it your own. It might also help to purchase close to your family so you have a support system nearby. But obviously buying a house with him will makes things much messier in the event of a divorce.

Yes, he may have physical distance from his parents, but mentally they will always control him. His parents telling him not to help with house chores and baby duties is typical of these types. What matters is that your husband listens as this is part of his conditioning. Does he have siblings? What are their marriages like?

Yes, in-laws like these can try to poison your children’s minds against you so be wary. I don’t know if you know much about narcissism but watch Dr. Ramani’s videos if you get a chance.

For me personally I am working on radical acceptance. So I know that in choosing to stay with him (for my own personal reasons), I will never have the trust, support and intimacy that a healthy marriage requires. Our parents generation experienced similar because they had arranged marriages due to a very sexist and toxic culture, and that is where our husbands have picked up all this BS from. If you didn’t have children I would recommend you leave in a heartbeat. But as you do, you have to weigh up the pro’s and con’s because your children spending significant time with your husband and in-laws without you, may have detrimental effects. Stay strong!

I’m so sorry for what you are going through too. We’ve seen it in our parents marriages and it just seems to be an endless cycle. No he doesn’t have a deposit saved. I’ve been counting on him to get that money so we can have our deposit but he keeps saying he’ll get it when we pick a house but he shows no interest in finding a house! At this point either they are refusing to give it him or he’s got back all the money and spent it and not telling me. He has a younger brother who is married and lives with his parents. At the account of his parents being absolute psychos and controlling his wife now has mental health issues and is now on meds. Her partner is loving and supporting but when you have in laws like that who you are with 24/7 I can only imagine how it wears you down.

His parents hate my parents because when things were rough when I lived in their house they were there for me whereas they wanted me to have no contact or very limited contact with them because they claimed they were now my real parents 🙃 I rebelled and had to fight to see my family it caused friction because they couldn’t control me and husband just wanted life to be easy and listen to what they were saying.

It was traumatic tbh they basically wanted me to ask their permission be it popping out to the local shop, going parents, going out with husband. They wanted to know the exact time I finished and started work even though my husband had my timesheet. And if I was ten minutes late because of traffic they’d be waiting to Quiz me. Those were my darkest times so I guess I always say I got out of that and we both made it this far and maybe that’s what keeps me so thy him. They wanted priority over everyone and I just snapped once day and told him that either we moved out or I was done and that was that.

It's sounds like he was in love with someone properly and then was forced into an arranged marriage which is incredibly old fashion in this day and age. I feel sorry for you both to be honest.

The girl he was seeing wasn’t Muslim and he knew his parents wouldn’t have approved and as you can tell he wasn’t brave enough to fight for her. We’ve been together a few years now and love has grown with time but with all the ups and downs and his struggle to communicate it’s been rough to say the least.

What 'AC45' posts is so accurate. He will be a product of a lifetime of conditioning from his parents. No matter what you say or do, how hard you cry or how desperate you are for change, he will change only if it is something he wants and then if he is capable of it. I have been in a very similar situation and so know how soul destroying it is. People do live a life time of this, the tide does tend to turn in some cases after many years. You have someone who seems to be emotionally immature. It will be a decision only you can make whether to ride these years out and build a life for yourself within the marriage, pushing for a better house and returning to work after the baby etc or whether enough is enough.

I've just read your update and I can't believe how much of what you say resonates such as asking for permission. I also rebelled as there wasn't a day on earth I would ask for permission to see my family. They expected me to put a family who was so unkind, hostile, controlling and bullish before my own family who were so kind and loving! For a long time I blamed my I laws but over time I realised he was the problem. They are emotionally immature, enmeshed and take the easy route of siding with the bullying behaviour rather than take a stand for their partner who is vulnerable.

You hit the nail on the head there. Did you get out or choose to stay? What was the last straw for you? If you don’t mind me asking. I see it around me everywhere your just expected to make it work no matter what . All these years and I feel like I still don’t know all of him. He’s always in overdraft regardless of me taking charge of shopping and covering our baby. I thought that would take a load of him and help him save but he still is struggling. So I just don’t understand. I saw my mother do it and I honestly worked so hard at this marriage because I was determined for ours to be different.

I left him and whilst I'm devastated at the fact my two children will now grow up in a set up I never ever wanted for them, I am away from a toxic environment which would've most likely ended in me having a nervous breakdown. I have not regretted or missed him once, the peace I felt immediately upon leaving is still with me 6 years on. The final straw for me was when we were hanging by a string and he booked a trip with his family secretly when I wanted to book a holiday for us both with our children (we lived with in laws and he refused to move out so it was our only chance to spend time as a family).I knew at that point he had no desire for us ever to be a family unit. His family had portrayed me as the villain and it was his choice to go along with it and to treat me as one.

See this is where I’m torn if he didn’t move out then no I think we would have split a long time ago but although him and his parents planned us staying long term. After everything that happened he did move out for me. I don’t see his parents a lot he takes daughter to see them whenever he likes which tends to be once a week. Pre lockdown.

When talking about separating he says he doesn’t want to lose me. So it’s just a constant limbo.