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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How the hell do I get over him saying things like this about my body?

38 replies

caradelvigna · 21/04/2020 21:05

I've already posted once tonight re this, but want to post again with further details and asking a slightly different question.

When I was with my ex, he became abusive. More so when I was pregnant. Even more so after son was born. It was quite severe emotional abuse. He tried to dictate my breastfeeding and made me breastfeeding from my smaller boob to make it bigger. He bought me bio oil and wouldn't let me go to bed until I had used it on my stretch marked belly. He made me exercise when I was 6 months pregnant. He would show me photos of unattainable bodies on the internet and tell me that if I worked hard I could look like that. He got me leaflets on breast implants. He didn't orgasm during sex once and he told me that it was because he couldn't get passed my boobs. He made comments like 'turn the lights off' and I knew it was a dig at my body. He bought me diet pills as a 'gift' and when he didn't orgasm he would lay next to me and watch porn and finish himself off whilst saying things like 'oh god you look so fine' (it makes me cringe now thinking about it).

How the fuck do I move past that? Counselling is doing sod all and I don't see it ever working. Is it even possible to move past that type of abuse? I've never told any of this to the guy I am seeing now. I am so happy around him. I am comfortable. He's so kind and sweet. The idea of him seeing me unclothed though freaks me out. I want to know, how I heal myself. How I stop viewing myself in this way. I feel like my inner self is so badly damaged.

OP posts:
Nicolanomore24 · 21/04/2020 21:09

Your ex was seriously troubled and probably in need of some sort of mental health help. He is the one that is not normal not you and he must be extremely insecure and unhappy to act the way he did.

I think I would make myself feel better by actually feeling sorry for him.

Barbararara · 21/04/2020 21:13

Would you consider therapy for this?

It is very helpful to sit with painful memories and feel the feelings that arise deeply and with your attention but ime it’s too difficult to manage by yourself. Having a therapist to take you through that process is an investment in your mental health.

When you’ve explored your feelings, it creates a space to start to see him (as the vile little worm he obviously was) and realise that this is not about you, but about him.

But that’s probably just words right now because you’re carrying unhealed emotional injuries from the abuse.

heyday · 21/04/2020 21:16

Normal counselling won't really help you but a certain kind of therapy called CBT will really help you i think. It will help you to challenge and change your thought processes. You have to keep reminding yourself that a) your ex was a total nutter b) you managed to get away from the idiot and c) you have a wonderful new boyfriend. Don't let that bully wreck all the good things about your life.

SandyY2K · 21/04/2020 21:16

You try not to give him headspace and realise that if he really didnt like your body, he would have been long gone.

Men like him are riddled with insecurities and they dump them on someone else....because it gives them a power trip. No self confident man, who was happy within himself would do what he did.

He was simply trying to erode your confidence, so you stayed with him and felt grateful. He wanted to make you feel grateful....he saw you, he had his eyes wide open and he chose to be with you.

You try and get over it by realising you survived his manipulation and abuse in the form of put downs....and you now have a healthy relationship that he wouldn't recognise, it it was shoved in his face.

Scarydinosaurs · 21/04/2020 21:17

Therapy. You absolutely need therapy.

Your ex was awful to you.

caradelvigna · 21/04/2020 21:20

I'm having therapy but I don't think it's working. If anything I feel even worse. I want to talk to my new fella about it but am scared to and feel like he will just think I'm damaged goods or will just not want to talk about it etc. I honestly feel so disgusting when I am undressed. It's so hard to forget things like that.

OP posts:
managedmis · 21/04/2020 21:20

He sounds deranged

caradelvigna · 21/04/2020 21:22

@managedmis he is a troubled man. There were many other things he did. He used to rape me, and has now been told by the courts that he will not see his son again unless he spends a long time addressing his behaviour. He's not a nice individual.

OP posts:
GinghamStyle · 21/04/2020 21:22

Your ex is a cunt.
What a terrible way to have been treated.
I think in order to move on, you need to learn to accept and love your body.
I always had small boobs, even more so after having DS (Went from a 36D (M&S) nursing bra down to a 32A) Not sure what on Earth I’d have done if I had dated somebody like your ex.

chickenyhead · 21/04/2020 21:24

what an evil bastard.

If your partner loves you he will be overjoyed if and when you decide to share your body with him.

Normal people are not seeking faults, they appreciate individual differences.

What he did to you was beyond bad. Have you been intimate with anyone else? How do you feel about your body image when out in public?

Sometimes intimate partners attack you this way in order to stop you straying, not that you would. They knock your confidence deliberately.

caradelvigna · 21/04/2020 21:27

@chickenyhead he definitely was intentionally trying to bring me down. He was obsessed with the idea of me being attracted to anyone else or straying. I never would have but he was incredibly jealous. He had a go at me once when I smiled at a man who smiled at me. I haven't been intimate with anyone else since I had my son, not even my ex partner as I was still bleeding from having a baby when I left.

OP posts:
ChoosingHappiness · 21/04/2020 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Barbararara · 21/04/2020 21:28

What kind of therapy are you having?
There are different approaches and there’s really no one-size-fits-all. A lot can hinge on your relationship with a therapist too.
I found person-centred therapy very helpful as it validates your individual experience without judgement. It’s a slow process though but powerful.

TellySavalashairbrush · 21/04/2020 21:30

Flowers What an awful experience. The man clearly has huge issues, this has no relation to you or your body. I am so glad you are away from him. Please persist with the counselling, what you’ve been through is now so entrenched in you that it will take a long time to work through it, but you can and you will. A wonderful new chapter in your life is just beginning. Good luck op

SandyY2K · 21/04/2020 21:30

Btw
I think the psychodynamic therapy approach would be beneficial.

It can be challenging/painful and goes back to your early years...however, that's a good thing, because you need to explore why you tolerated his abuse.

It could be events in your childhood that affected you badly, which you won't know until it's explored through therapy.

NoMoreDickheads · 21/04/2020 21:30

Counselling is doing sod all and I don't see it ever working

I would try EMDR as it's useful for removing the impact of memories. It works faster than conventional therapy.

caradelvigna · 21/04/2020 21:31

It's just standard talking therapy. They just called it counselling so I don't really know. I'm doing it over the phone now due to lockdown which I don't like. Would it be unwise to talk to my new guy about this?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/04/2020 21:33

This tell you its 100% him.

has now been told by the courts that he will not see his son again unless he spends a long time addressing his behaviour. He's not a nice individual.

Fairycake2 · 21/04/2020 21:40

Definitely talk to your new partner about this. He sounds like he would be very supportive and I bet he would help you build your self esteem

category12 · 21/04/2020 21:40

How new is new?

What are you hoping for from telling him?

caradelvigna · 21/04/2020 21:42

5 ish months but one month of that has been in lockdown. Seems soon to be talking about my last abusive relationship but then others day I should mention it.

OP posts:
caradelvigna · 21/04/2020 21:43

I guess I hope it will explain why I flinch sometimes when someone moves too fast or raises their hand, or why I am so self critical etc

OP posts:
Dieu · 21/04/2020 21:45

You're amazing for having broken away from him Thanks Never forget that.

chickenyhead · 21/04/2020 21:50

You are dealing with multiple traumas here.

In addition to the psychological abuse he raped you.

For me, being raped was like internal death. You didn't have control over your most intimate parts and you don't know who you are.

In place of your own thoughts and self esteem, destroyed by the rapes, he has put this poisonous dialogue in your head. It has stuck because there is nothing left to challenge it.

My Ex raped me repeatedly, and he never ejaculated either, except through his own hand. At one point we went for couples counselling and the counsellor took me aside and told me to run. She reasoned that his ejaculation issues were actually a control thing. He did not want to give me the power to make him vulnerable. This is what your ex did.

Once I was able to reason things out and fully understand what he was, I was able to recover.

You have had previously been in healthy relationships, so you know it was him that had the problem. He is the odd one out, not you. You don't go out in public and people run away screaming? No. He had the issue.

Men like him mean you harm not just you, anyone that they manage to trap. Even if he trapped a perfect bodied creature, he would do EXACTLY THE SAME THING. It was never about you. He is evil and he means to destroy you. Never ever give him the benefit of doubt, nor his vile dysfunctional voice in your head.

Your boobs work, they are fine, I promise. A wanker like that would never have let himself be seen with anyone who wasn't an 8 or above.

Honsandrebels · 21/04/2020 21:53

@caradelvigna have a look at rapid eye movement desensitisation (edmr) as suggested above. It can help defuse painful memories where traditional talk therapy isn’t working. You can heal from this my love, will take a bit of time and finding the right therapy for you but it can be done. Your new man will in no way think you are damaged goods, if he is nice as you say he will be angry with your ex and will seek to reassure you x

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