How the hell do I get over him saying things like this about my body?

[caradelvigna]

I've already posted once tonight re this, but want to post again with further details and asking a slightly different question.

When I was with my ex, he became abusive. More so when I was pregnant. Even more so after son was born. It was quite severe emotional abuse. He tried to dictate my breastfeeding and made me breastfeeding from my smaller boob to make it bigger. He bought me bio oil and wouldn't let me go to bed until I had used it on my stretch marked belly. He made me exercise when I was 6 months pregnant. He would show me photos of unattainable bodies on the internet and tell me that if I worked hard I could look like that. He got me leaflets on breast implants. He didn't orgasm during sex once and he told me that it was because he couldn't get passed my boobs. He made comments like 'turn the lights off' and I knew it was a dig at my body. He bought me diet pills as a 'gift' and when he didn't orgasm he would lay next to me and watch porn and finish himself off whilst saying things like 'oh god you look so fine' (it makes me cringe now thinking about it).

How the fuck do I move past that? Counselling is doing sod all and I don't see it ever working. Is it even possible to move past that type of abuse? I've never told any of this to the guy I am seeing now. I am so happy around him. I am comfortable. He's so kind and sweet. The idea of him seeing me unclothed though freaks me out. I want to know, how I heal myself. How I stop viewing myself in this way. I feel like my inner self is so badly damaged.

I would be wary sharing this with someone new. Its potential ammunition. I would want to know that it was serious and long term first.

I think I agree @chickenyhead

He was obsessed with the idea of me being attracted to anyone else or straying. I never would have but he was incredibly jealous

Would you like to go through life being so utterly insecure, to have such low self esteem, to be so absolutely sure that anyone you got into a relationship would shag another man/woman because you aren't good enough?

That's who he is.

He's pathologically insecure and jealous.

It's a sad, anxious, pathetic, neurotic way to live.

You escaped him. He can't escape himself and people like this so rarely change, he's stuck like that for life. Insecure, miserable, bitter, nasty, neurotic, desperately needing to control and degrade their partner to feel secure.

You're not like him. You're capable of having a decent relationship with someone.

(Did he have quite small tackle incidentally?)

I also agree that; to be to be sure, really sure .... Give it a long time before you say anything about this past abusive relationship to a new partner.

Yes, I'd agree with chickenyhead too.

You really need to know it's safe to be vulnerable with this guy, and that takes time. You need to be especially watchful of potential red flags because it's quite common to find people end up in subsequent abusive relationships because their boundaries have been skewed.

@caradelvigna I’ve private messaged you Hun x

Also on a side note, many maybe men have one boob a different size than the other to some extent. It's probably more common than not.

Also I have small boobs and it hasn't stopped me from shagging, having relationships with and marrying a collection of attractive men (I'm not married to multiple men, I should make clear ).

Some men like big boobs, some do not, I've had an ex (wall street trader btw) describe mine as "the perfect size". They all differ, and I've often found men whom fixate on big boobs to be a bit neanderthal and not my cup of cha anyway.

*many many women

It also sounds like your ex sees a woman as some kind of live sex doll.

Must be perfectly symmetrical.
Must have beach ball boobs.
Must have not one stretch mark on her (perfect, plastic) skin.
Must have sex when he wants.
Doesn't look/smile at/interact with anyone else.

He's the type of dude who in future would buy himself a robot for sex and that would suit him perfectly - because he's incapable of having a relationship with a real, live human whom can't put in a locked cupboard to make sure no-one else "uses" them.

He sounds like he massively objectifies women.

That guy is offering a decent relationship to no-one. I feel frankly horrified that he's out on the dating scene again, an abuser.

You have experienced sexual abuse over a prolonged period of time.
Ideally you need a therapist with experience in this field and enough time to work through the abuse.
It won't be quick or easy, particularly if there were reasons why you were vulnerable to forming a relationship with this abuser.
It can get better over time though.

Although you want to I wouldn't tell your new partner. Because it's kind of bring the old relationship into the new one and you want to feel fresh and in control.

My long relationship ended after years of rejection sexually. It slowly killed me and completely messed with my ability to deal with any level of sexual/emotional complexity.

I met someone else quite soon after and we became a serious item very quickly. It was great and I did tell him about the pain I had suffered. About 7 months in it started to get tricky, weird sexual rejections with bullshit excuses that I couldn't deal with. It started to feel so similar to my previous (awful) I ended the relationship. I can't say what was going on, but I do wish I hadn't have told him.

Basically he was trouble - manipulative - cock lodger - I hadn't been in it long enough to see this. I think I gave him an 'in' if you like. I wouldn't even say he was fully conscious of it....the mind is a complex thing.

Something so devastating - that makes you so vulnerable should only be shared with someone you trust with your life. Romantic love can feel like that at first - but that's an illusion. Only time and experience will let you know whether it is safe to share.

I personally think you should continue with the councillor - you might consider that you don't have the right one for you - I changed mine 3 times. This is the person to share this with, not your boyfriend - not yet.

Personally I think if a man makes make you feel shit about anything - don't look to the next man to heal you about that very thing. You gotta heal using other avenues and enter the relationship as fresh as you can -even if you are faking the confidence.

maybe a bit tough - but I speak from long experience.

Look into counselling for PTSD!
Also call rape crisis and get some specialist help from them.
You have been through so so much OP.
My heart breaks for you.
Womens Aid can also help you with local counsellors in your area who specialise in abuse.
Reach out to anyone you can and get all the help you rightly deserve!!!

OP I lived through the same thing. It was horrific and so hard to get over. It helped to remind myself that he was an ABUSER and everything he was saying was just to control and hurt me - it was not true! No one else had ever said these things about me, just him.

I am almost four years on from escaping it and have been with an amazing man for a few years now. It took me 3 years to really feel like i was able to move on properly from the pain and trauma. I am still not over it and still take a lot of caution in my life as I am still afraid of him, but with time I am getting there.