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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should this stuff bother me?

38 replies

NameChanged1923 · 21/04/2020 17:26

I am in a long distance (2 hour drive apart) relationship and during this time apart I’ve been pondering things that I find a bit frustrating and wanted to ask… is it me?? I have namechanged for this but I’m a longstanding Mumsnetter…

Myself and partner have been together for 14 months – I am divorced and have 2 x DH (9/14). I have the kids 80% of the time, on a clear schedule with EXH. Because of ex’s shift patterns, I do not get very many weekends kid free (approx.. 9 weekends per year), but my free days are clearly identified.

Partner is separated with 1 x DC (5). He and is wife have no custody schedule at all – DC moves from one to the other as and when, or wherever DC decides they want to stay that night. Partners wife has a job where she starts work at 7 every morning, so if DC stays overnight with her, DC gets dropped back off with my partner at 6 the next morning. DC doesn’t sleep in own room so if I stay overnight I have to get up at 6 the next morning when DC comes home.

Partner and DC don’t have any set routine for breakfast / dinner etc… so breakfast for DC could be a chocolate bar/bag of crisps/sweets – whatever DC wants. Dinner can again be whatever DC wants, bowl of Frosties and a milkshake or nothing at all. No set bedtime, no rules really. DC falls asleep on sofa watching ipad and gets taken to bed by partner. DC is rude, aggressive and has a tantrum if they don’t get what they want immediately. Partner believes he is DC mate and is resistant to discipling DC in case they get upset. I am quite a strict parent and find DC behaviour difficult to deal with and if I am honest do not enjoy being around him… he has sworn at me and kicked me before and partner hasn’t reprimanded him for this behaviour.

If I go to stay with partner, DC will be back at 6am, and put into bed or can stay up and watch ipad. DC may then be picked up again by wife later or may not be. I never know… If me and partner had agreed we would go out for lunch but then wife doesn’t show up we either take DC with us, but if DC says they don’t want to, we don’t go. Or, wife takes DC but doesn’t say when DC will be back so we can’t really go anywhere as we have to be around for when she drops DC back off. I have stopped going to partners house now because I never know if DC is going to be there or if we can do what we have planned.

If partner comes to me, he must get up to leave at 4am to get back for 6am. If he manages to get someone to babysit for his DC for a few hours he is the one that must ring round and organise everything.

Partners wife still comes into his house whenever she wants, he is guarantor on her house. His life revolves around her plans, and what she is doing. DP says he is the only one looking out for his DC – his wife is all about doing what she wants to do and will never change. I don’t think he will ever divorce her because he will have to pay her money and he says he has long term investments so can’t afford to give her any money at the moment.

I really do love him, but cannot see any long term future for us… I am losing respect for him in terms of his parenting style which is totally different to mine, and the whole not knowing what’s happening just really stresses me out.

Should this stuff bother me? Does it have anything to do with me? Obviously, we haven’t seen each other since lockdown and I guess I am just pondering these issues for when we come out the other side….. I am wondering if I should just call it a day now…

OP posts:
Holothane · 21/04/2020 17:42

To be honest I’d get rid your parent skills will clash big time, crisps for breakfast no that’s not on no I’m not a parent but even I know that.

MizMoonshine · 21/04/2020 17:43

I don't think you're wrong to get bothered by these things, they are pretty fundamental.
You need to weigh up how much these things bother you against how much you enjoy him.

It sounds like a very frustrating situation for you.

If you're losing respect for him, it's something that needs discussion at the very least.

Windyatthebeach · 21/04/2020 17:45

Walk away op. He isn't a parent.
He is a man child.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/04/2020 17:48

He is a rubbish parent. I'd bin him off now.

Badhairday101 · 21/04/2020 17:52

It would bother me too. It’s expected when you have children to make your plans around them, which you sound happy to do but the fact there’s no routine means you can’t make any plans at all. That doesn’t sound like a sustainable situation. Have you spoken to him about it?

DartmoorChef · 21/04/2020 17:55

This has disaster written all over it. You are never going to agree on parenting as he sounds totally useless.

picklemewalnuts · 21/04/2020 17:57

He's a bad parent and a bad partner. He has no boundaries. He won't have any with you either, and his messy relationships will bleed into your life.

Jane1978xx · 21/04/2020 18:01

It just seems like too much trouble to me.

user1493413286 · 21/04/2020 18:06

I wouldn’t be able to put up with either of those things; I think his DCs behaviour is only going to get worse; there are a lot of threads on the step parents page which also indicate this. I also couldn’t manage how intertwined his life still is with his ex. I’m struggling to see how you can have a future while he basically lets his DC and ex rule his (and your) life

Elieza · 21/04/2020 18:28

He’s quite frankly a shit parent. Dump him. Don’t even stress over it. Dump and move on. Neither he nor his ex will change.

Sweets for breakfast FFS that’s hardly the most important meal if the day that it should be. I bet the kid doesn’t even brush his teeth. Shocking. I’m surprised social workers havent been involved. Your partner isn’t the child’s mate, he’s a parent.
Waste no energy thinking over this. Dump.

Carouselfish · 21/04/2020 18:49

He sounds immature and lazy, OP. Can't sort out his child, can't sort out his finances.

NoMoreDickheads · 21/04/2020 18:53

I have chocolate and crisps for breakfast but I wouldn't let a kid do it. Grin

It doesn't sound like he's the one for you OP.

Butterymuffin · 21/04/2020 18:57

End it. You're compromising on far too much. It's not you. You'll either meet someone better or be happier on your own than dealing with this crap.

Sofi31 · 21/04/2020 18:57

You sound like a fantastic mum. Don’t let the stress of his parenting skills affect your mental health with your children or lifestyle.

JKScot4 · 21/04/2020 19:07

You have to get up at 6am because him and his can’t sort out a timetable?
Sounds like he enjoys the drama of having two woman dancing about him.
Get rid.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 21/04/2020 19:15

He would have to be a love god for me to put up with that miserable situation

Original poster
NameChanged1923 · 21/04/2020 19:18

Okay... I didn't think it was just me!!

He honestly is such a lovely person, he just doesn't want to upset anyone. His wife left him and DC when DC was 2 so I think he's just glad she sees DC at all.... however, he is now letting everyone including DC walk all over him.

I have raised my concerns and his response is that he can't get a set custody schedule because it doesn't work for her and her work... but that if I stay again he will make his DC go to their room. I am not okay with that as I will effectively be dumping DC out of their bed - and that's not on.

I do know that it can't go on like this which makes me sad because in isolation he is a fab person but mix in a wife and child it becomes complicated.... and his DC needs to be priority, however he parents... :-(

OP posts:
BananaBooBoo · 21/04/2020 19:19

It's a major difference in parenting styles not to mention boundaries with ex so yes be very bothered!

HollowTalk · 21/04/2020 19:19

That poor kid. Who on earth wants to swap homes at 6 am? He's a Disney Dad and is ruining his child.

I'd get out. You won't be able to change his mind on this. Unless you want years and years of the same, get out now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2020 19:29

How is this guy at a fab person?. He is clearly not and is too entwined still with his ex.

Give him the boot now and raise both your relationship bar and your boundaries a lot higher.

Would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship like this, no you would not. You should not either.

merryhouse · 21/04/2020 19:40

What they all said.

Any chance you can plant the idea in his head that his estranged wife's childcare arrangements are not his problem to sort out?

Original poster
NameChanged1923 · 21/04/2020 19:43

Well he is fab in that when we are together we have lots of laughs and shared interests... however, the time we have is sporadic, for a few hours, not quality time at all...

I have been coming to the conclusion that he has many other issues and failings... I guess that this time apart has really given me time to reflect on it.

And I do feel sorry for his DC as I think that some stability, discipline and routine would be good for him but that's not for me to point out. Partner honestly thinks he is doing the best he can... he doesn't want to upset his DC.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 21/04/2020 20:04

Has he observed you parenting your own DC? If so, what does he make of it?

Original poster
NameChanged1923 · 21/04/2020 20:44

Yes he has seen me with my DC... he actually pulled one of them up for not saying please to me... which I was surprised about to be honest as his DC never says it... I didn't mention it but it's one of the things on my pondering list!

OP posts:
Greatdomestic · 21/04/2020 21:17

Lol. He pulled up one of your kids for not saying please. And his kid has sworn at you.

I'm surprised that you didn't laugh in his face at that one.

There's nothing more to ponder here. He's a rubbish lazy parent with no aspirations to improve that situation.

Wave him goodbye and find yourself a grown up to have a relationship with.