I am in a long distance (2 hour drive apart) relationship and during this time apart I’ve been pondering things that I find a bit frustrating and wanted to ask… is it me?? I have namechanged for this but I’m a longstanding Mumsnetter…
Myself and partner have been together for 14 months – I am divorced and have 2 x DH (9/14). I have the kids 80% of the time, on a clear schedule with EXH. Because of ex’s shift patterns, I do not get very many weekends kid free (approx.. 9 weekends per year), but my free days are clearly identified.
Partner is separated with 1 x DC (5). He and is wife have no custody schedule at all – DC moves from one to the other as and when, or wherever DC decides they want to stay that night. Partners wife has a job where she starts work at 7 every morning, so if DC stays overnight with her, DC gets dropped back off with my partner at 6 the next morning. DC doesn’t sleep in own room so if I stay overnight I have to get up at 6 the next morning when DC comes home.
Partner and DC don’t have any set routine for breakfast / dinner etc… so breakfast for DC could be a chocolate bar/bag of crisps/sweets – whatever DC wants. Dinner can again be whatever DC wants, bowl of Frosties and a milkshake or nothing at all. No set bedtime, no rules really. DC falls asleep on sofa watching ipad and gets taken to bed by partner. DC is rude, aggressive and has a tantrum if they don’t get what they want immediately. Partner believes he is DC mate and is resistant to discipling DC in case they get upset. I am quite a strict parent and find DC behaviour difficult to deal with and if I am honest do not enjoy being around him… he has sworn at me and kicked me before and partner hasn’t reprimanded him for this behaviour.
If I go to stay with partner, DC will be back at 6am, and put into bed or can stay up and watch ipad. DC may then be picked up again by wife later or may not be. I never know… If me and partner had agreed we would go out for lunch but then wife doesn’t show up we either take DC with us, but if DC says they don’t want to, we don’t go. Or, wife takes DC but doesn’t say when DC will be back so we can’t really go anywhere as we have to be around for when she drops DC back off. I have stopped going to partners house now because I never know if DC is going to be there or if we can do what we have planned.
If partner comes to me, he must get up to leave at 4am to get back for 6am. If he manages to get someone to babysit for his DC for a few hours he is the one that must ring round and organise everything.
Partners wife still comes into his house whenever she wants, he is guarantor on her house. His life revolves around her plans, and what she is doing. DP says he is the only one looking out for his DC – his wife is all about doing what she wants to do and will never change. I don’t think he will ever divorce her because he will have to pay her money and he says he has long term investments so can’t afford to give her any money at the moment.
I really do love him, but cannot see any long term future for us… I am losing respect for him in terms of his parenting style which is totally different to mine, and the whole not knowing what’s happening just really stresses me out.
Should this stuff bother me? Does it have anything to do with me? Obviously, we haven’t seen each other since lockdown and I guess I am just pondering these issues for when we come out the other side….. I am wondering if I should just call it a day now…