Worried about ex and his new family

[Bettie2192]

I was with my abusive ex boyfriend for four years. It was mainly verbal/mental/emotional abuse but there was some physical abuse.

Fast forward 6 years: I am happily married with a baby on the way, he is with his girlfriend for the last couple of years and they have a baby daughter.

I can’t stop thinking about whether his new GF knows anything about his past. Has he told her what our relationship was like, and if so does it not bother her? Or has he never told her what he was really like? I hadn’t thought about this for a while until they had a baby a few months ago, and now I can’t get it out of my head. Does he not think about how he treated me, and imagine someone treating his own daughter the same? Does he not feel ashamed? He has never said sorry to me, just acted like nothing ever happened.

I know there’s nothing I can do, it’s not like I’m going to get in touch with her now and be like oh by the way here’s all the shitty things your boyfriend did to me over 4 years. I guess I just wanted to get this out as it’s been playing on my mind recently.

He abuses her too.

After 2 years with her he has started.

You have two choices, either dobt get involved or, tell her how he treated you. If you do the later, he may have her brainwashed into thinking you are a loon...but I would still do it, because at least it gives her the knowledge that if she is going through similar, it isnt her fault and it isnt ok.

You could even just message her a nonoumously with something simple like 'I feel you may be being abused. Please YouTube search melanie tonia evan's videos on narcissists. I hope this helps. Do not be slow to call womans aid for help. Good luck'.

I'd say do the latter. As she may immediate go to him and tell him you tolder this and that which will put her at risk. Abusers train us to do things like that. Thet play us off against past exs by compairing us to them unfavorably. I know you might want to get this of your chest but please dont put her at risk.Tell her anonymously that you fear she is being abused, that it isnt ok and that she can reach put for help, people will listen.

Sorry typos

Has he told her what our relationship was like, and if so does it not bother her? Or has he never told her what he was really like? Does he not think about how he treated me, and imagine someone treating his own daughter the same? Does he not feel ashamed? He has never said sorry to me, just acted like nothing ever happened.

No he does not feel, say or do any of these things.

You are trying to apply rational, emotionally heathy behaviour to an irrational emotionally unhealthy man.

I think your own protective maternal urges being pregnant has triggered this reflection - it could be some unresolved processing that you will work through unaided or it could be a ptsd that lingers.

What help have YOU had to deal with what happened to you?

@Wanderlust21 I’d be too worried about somehow being traced back to me even if it was anonymously, I would be genuinely scared of what he or his family might do if they thought I was meddling :/ part of me just thinks ‘I’m sure he’s fine with her, she doesn’t make him mad like i used to’.

@Gutterton you’re right it probably is my maternal instincts bringing all this back into my mind again. To be honest I can’t even imagine him hurting his own child, but how could you be with someone and have a kid with them and not know that they were abusive to another partner, it would devastate me if I found out something like that about my partner.
I never had any proper help and I’ve never spoken to anyone about it except my husband. Even my friends don’t know. My mom knows that he was no good but not the true extent of it. I still have nightmares about being with him, a few months ago I started getting them frequently again so maybe that’s why I’m thinking about all this again now.

Of course he has not told her. Why would he?
He wiill have said you are the crazy abusive one.
Maybe he is playing the charm that trapped you for surely it did?
Maybe he is not abusive to her yet.
It s outside your control.
If you reported it and he was charged and has a record maybe you could somehow warn her. And she can use Sarah's law....
Does he have a police record ?
If yes make sure she knows.....but even then he will spin a story and you will be the crazy one. If not it will all be in your head acc to him and you will waste your energy
Dont waste your thoughts.

I think that's different then. If he could put you a d yours at risk of physical harm then you are justified in not saying anything. Perhaps get yourself some therapy, might be helpful to have a wee chat with someone about the past and get it out of your system so you can move on.

However, if you make an email address without your real name and then a fb with that and just message her on there what I said in my first post then i hardly see how he could trace that back to you. Or even post a letter to her *write in cap and post from a different town. There will be tons of others that know what he is so a anyone could have sent it (however, he may read her post? So may be a risk). And if he does cause you any issues, you go straight to the police.

If it were me, I couldn't sit back and let someone suffer if there were anything. I'd want to fight the evil git and all his kind with my every last breath. But I understand if you dobt. You have a baba to think of aftersll. And it seems odd that this has just come to your mind now. Maybe you just need to do it for you and not fir her? In which case, some councelong might be the best thing.

*if there were anything I could do

@wanderlust21 I don’t know, I’m in two minds now :/ I just can’t stop thinking about this woman being in a relationship with him and having his baby and never knowing he’s got an ex out there who was totally traumatised by him. Or would she be happier not knowing? I mean, maybe they have a great relationship and there’s no need for any of this to come up. Just feels a bit late now two years and a baby down the line.

@Embracelife no record, no charges, nothing. Just my word against his. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I just needed to finally talk about it :( and now I’m pregnant it’s giving me a new reason to feel empathy for her.

They dont have a great relationship. He us an abuser. He didn't just abuse you. That's not how his kind function. They need to treat other ppl like shit like we need food.

And it's never too late. Someone saying 'I see it too and it isnt ok' might be the push she needs to get her and her child to safety. Maybe not straight away. But when she is ready. Just knowing one other person said 'hey, his behaviour isnt ok' could be the difference between her staying and raising her child with an abuser or getting free. He will likely turn on the child too at some point if she stays with him. As soon as the child is old enough to feel shame likely.

Definitely find a counsellor onine to talk to about it.
You have some PTSD maybe? Process what happened
But no proof means you cant throw it out there he would just deny .
If you have conversation with her e g is she seeing your child? Does your child go tostay with them ?
Then you could offer something "if you ever want to talk I am here"

Sorry I misread I gather you dont have a child with him ?
So no reason to have anything to do with him or her.
Dont start setting up fake accounts they can be traced to you and you could get caught out.
Just leave it...but talk to a therapist

Your nightmares are a classic sign of PTSD.

I would really look into finding some professional support to deal with this because this is literally haunting you.

Your sub conscious hasn’t dealt with this and your body will be flooded with stress hormones (cortisol and adrenaline).

You need to to do this to be free of him.

Just contacting the GF won’t help you. It will most likely cause you stress and anxiety because you are afraid of him and his family finding out it was you.

Once you have taken care of yourself first you might consider any v safe anonymous ways to help her only as advised from a DV agency.

You didn't make him mad though, he did.
The only thing that might eventually stop him would be a punch in the mouth from one of his kids, as an older teen.
Maybe his daughter might do it one day. No, he won't have told her anything and history will have been rewritten the moment you weren't together anymore.
Thank God you don't have to have anything more to do with him and concentrate on your lovely little family, it's a very emotional time and sometimes our past raises it's ugly head, out of the blue. If you find it hard to cope at times like this counselling can help, but for the moment keep telling yourself that it's over, gone and can't hurt you anymore. How strong you are and what a great future you have to look forward to.
You will never get your apology, even if you saw him on his death bed.

@Embracelife noooo no kids with him, I thank god every damn day that I never had a baby with him! He and his GF have a 4 month old.

I see good points from all of you saying to contact her and to not contact her. I think this might be something I have to deal on my own, I’m like 99% over it but there are still some longer lasting emotional scars. I think when they had a baby, because me & my husband were still ttc after a MC, all the feelings came up again because I couldn’t believe a person like that was being gifted with a baby and mine was taken away. Then I got over it for a bit, and now that I’m pregnant I’m thinking about it again :/ I’m thinking more about her than him, just wondering whether she knows or not. But also feel like there’s no point in me worrying about that, because what can I even do.

If you dont know her and wont come across her socially then just let it go.

No charges no police record there is nothing you can share ....except as they will assume crazy rants from an unhinged ex..that will be how it s presented. It s not worth it.

But get therapy to move on with your life.. it can be really helpful even do some CBT programmes online

OP, is there someone who you could tell?

Not a counsellor or therapist - it is up to you to decide if you need to see counselling or therapy.

Do you have a mutual friend you could tip off?

I have been in a similar position.
No children involved AFAIK.
I told. I am presumably the psycho ex.
But if, or when, he does it to someone else, they will know.

No, he has no shame, and I can quite believe he never said sorry to you.

Without knowing what the mental and emotional abuse was, I'd guess that he had possibly convinced himself that there was something wrong with you, and drip fed you with details of it until you just about believed him, and when that failed, he tried something else, until he decided to beat you up.

Do what you need to do, but make sure you don't break the law, and make sure you have support.

Think about the rules around oxygen masks.

Look after yourself first.

Enjoy your baby.

Thank you all for your messages of support. I still don’t feel like I can do anything but its felt really good to get all of my thoughts out, they normally just go round and round in my head lol. At the moment I’m not having any bad dreams or feeling particularly anxious but if I do I feel ok talking to my husband about it.

I was lying in bed last night thinking about all this and I started to go over every single ‘incident’ that I could remember (there aren’t enough hours in the day for me to remember every single one) and thought to my self, how the HELL did I go through all that for four years? Like it doesn’t even make me feel upset anymore, it just makes me go what the f* was I doing???

Why are you thinking about the past. Unless you reported him and have proof your just torturing yourself over trash. She’s none of your business. Focus on your family that’s what’s important now

I was once the abused ex, he then got into a relationship with another woman very quickly, and got her pregnant very quickly, I sent her a warning as I didn't want any woman to go through what I did, however, she did not take this kindly, didn't believe me, accused me of being jealous and wanting him back etc, made him out to be the greatest man on earth. I believe he love bombed her like he did to me.

About 6 months down the line she messaged me on Facebook to tell me how controlling nasty and violent he was being to her. Its a given he is abusing her, or if he hasn't already he most definitely will, however, I would honestly stay out of it.