Wills and step children....

[StarbucksQueen]

So.. My mum has a very good friend (Doris) who was widowed approx 5yrs ago. They were married for over 30yrs.She is in her 70s, no children of her own, but 2 step children who are both in their 40s..Had a good relationship with both.
She agreed with her late husband that both children would be looked after financially on her death. There is a house and some money in the bank....
One child lives 200 miles away, is in phone contact weekly and visits once a month to help with stuff around the house, DIY, decorating etc...
The other emigrated 8yrs ago, but came home to care for her dad before he died. She has 2 grown up children living in the same city as mum's friend.
Shortly after the husband died, mum's friend met a man through a hobby and started spending time with him..
This seemed to have upset the emigrated daughter, and her children in the UK, and they stopped contact with Doris, no calls, visits, Christmas or Birthday cards.. And currently with corona virus, no offers of help with shopping or to check that she's OK.
Initially after her husbands death Doris did a new will, splitting everything between the 2 step children (Doris has no other family, she was an only child..)
Now she feels very bitter towards the emigrated stepchild, and her grown up children, and is torn between upholding her late husbands wishes, and almost 'rewarding' that side of the family for their behaviour, whuch she has found quite upsetting, or doing something else with the money. She says her husband would have been very disappointed about how his wife has been treated since his death..
Doris rings my mum a lot and this conversation keeps cropping up, more so cos of coronavirus, and people taking stock.. My thoughts are very black and white, so would appreciate thoughts from others who maybe have, or are part of 2nd families...

If Doris is the sort to start loudly discussing her will and disinheriting her nearest and dearest I can see why they don't visit.

She's not discussing it loudly, but talking it over with a friend.. The siblings do not get on, never really have from being teenagers.
Emigrated sibling was happy enough for Doris to look after her children while she went out to work. From what I know (and yes, there maybe more to it), the discord began after Doris was spending more time with the chap from the hobby.
Before that Doris had loaned the children of emigrated child money for cars as they didn't have a good credit rating.. One paid back with no hassle the other still owes a few hundred pounds but ignores calls and texts.. None of this has happened overnight.
I think a pp who said that half the house should have been identified in the original will to the children upon Doris' death would have been the right way to go, then Doris could have done what ever she wanted with the rest..

I’m in the same situation and just done our Will. We have split assets 50/50 my 50% is split between my two DC and his 50% is split between his 3. That way it is fair on everyone my children don’t lose out because he has 3 children and his get what is deserved.

peony the key is what happens on the first death of you and your DH.
Do his DC inherit their share at that stage (potentially meaning the sale of the house/leaving the survivor short) ,is it put in trust for the DC(safest option but can be seen a a hassle/expensive.) or is it left to the survivor and only to the DC on the second death ,leaving the survivor free to change their Will,cutting out the other DC

DH and I have wills that cover what would happen if either of us were in another relationship after death.
50% is protected and would go to our children. I.e. the deceased person’s half.

Under the circumstances you’ve described if I were Doris I’d split the 50% equally between the 2 step children. And give a proportion of ‘my’ 50% to the one who was caring and maintained a relationship.
And then it’s between them if they want to redress that balance.

It goes in trust and if the house was to sell by the surviving partner then the DCs of the deceased partner get their share. There is a huge element of trust on both sides that we would see the DC right.

I think Doris should honour her late husbands wishes. 25% for each step child and 50% for Doris to do with as she wants, she could donate it to the local cats home if she wanted to.

I just feel using inheritance to punish people is a shitty thing to do. My dh has had something similar with regards to his Dads inheritance. His df has left his business to his db and left my dh with nothing bar a few bits n bobs (the gc get a share of the house). All because my dh chose to move away and not see his df on a regular basis. His db lives in the same village as his df. The one thing that upsets my dh more than anything is that he can't talk to his dad about the reasons or discuss it all, and never will be able to.

Doris might not agree with it, and her dh dc sounds like a horrid piece of work, but it's still what her husband wanted and it's his to give away as he wants

I wonder how much effort Doris had made to keep in contact with her stepchildren.

Contact is a two way thing and I find some ppl always expect the younger person to continuously maintain contact.

I think it's been asked a couple of times and I may have missed the response, but it depends on how soon she got friendly with this other chap.

I can tell you that even when it doesn't involve a step parent, adult children still get affected by this.

My friends mum passed away and within a year her dad had a GF....it was very hurtful all round...she felt he moved on way too quickly after over 50 years of marriage.

The crooks of it is, is that the money we are talking about is the fathers (Doris husband), he's left it in her care, on the proviso she gives it out equally to both the children. Morally it's not Doris's decision to make any changes to that arrangement, despite what's happening now.

If I gave my dh £50 and said 'next time you see the kids (your step kids) can you give them £25 each' I'd expect him to do just that. If one of the dc fell out with him, and he gave one £45 and the other £5 I'd be fuming

Copy copy paste
Morally perhaps
Legally ,not

IME (considerable) most people check what the legal position is and act accordingly

But then I am a lawyer not a priest

If property is put in trust properly then the DC will definitely get it
If it's down to ' a huge level of trust' they might not
Also consider care home fees
If property left to surviving spouse it will be taken into account for care fees if required
If in trust it almost certainly won't be
Always take proper advice and it is rarely a good idea to leave it to trust/chance

it's still what her husband wanted and it's his to give away as he wants

He didn't want it enough to make a will saying that though, did he? I think Doris is getting a hard time compared to her husband who could have avoided all this and also kept his kids' intended inheritance safe from being swallowed up in care costs. But he didn't bother.

If I had a tenner for every time I have heard
'Oh that's not what x would have wanted'
So important to make a proper Will,and to legally cover what you want to happen
Especially now with so many 2nd marriages and unmarried couples
It really matters
Lawyers make a lot more money if there is no Will than they do from making a Will

I think reading all the replies, this should have been dealt with when they were both alive. Unfortunately now Doris has to deal with this alone.
To the pp's who asked about how much effort she made to keep in touch, she has text and called, none have been responded to in over 12mths. She sends cards for their birthdays, but hasn't had one in return for 2yrs.
The chap in question is a friend, and along with her neighbours is doing her shopping during lock down..
And whilst I appreciate some people frown on the recently bereaved starting new relationships, this never got off the ground as that, they just spend more time together as friends.. Doris doesn't drive...
Another option could be the house is divided into 2, Doris'S share and her late husbands, his share split in 2, between the 2 step children, and hers to do with as she wishes, and also any money in the bank to do with as she wishes - she gets a state pension and a teachers pension, and did try her luck with stocks and shares both before and after her husbands death..
I've always found her to be one of those people who trys to 'do the right thing' with regards to others, otherwise she wouldn't care about whether she disinherited someone or not, and I think she feels the stepchild and family who have cut contact haven't done the right thing by her. I think all she wanted was them to show a little humility after her husband died, and not over react when she chose to fill a somewhat quieter existence with the company of a friend who happens to be a man.

I think she expected too much from the emigrated step-daughter. She lives in another country and they really have no connection now other than their shared link to the dead husband, and Doris cut that link when she started seeking 'the company of a male friend'.