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Original poster

Please talk some sense into me - emotional affair

34 replies

sadandcliched · 20/04/2020 15:26

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and rightly so.

I feel like I'm standing at the top of a very slippery slope.

DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for 12. One toddler. He is a great partner but we have some big problems in our marriage which we're trying to work on - mainly mismatched libidos (mine is higher) and the fact DH never really pays me much attention. I did feel a few months ago that our marriage was on the rocks, but after a long talk I think we can work through things.

Anyway, we've been mutual friends with this man I'll call S for as long as we've known each other. Not close friends, but always have a laugh when we hang out together. S is a BIG personality, life and soul of the party. Has lots of issues though. Very magnetic but very troubled.

S has always paid me attention. Been really complimentary and openly flirty with me in front of DH, which I just laugh off and DH just rolls his eyes at. But I can't say I haven't enjoyed the ego boost. It's never seemed inappropriate because it's always been out in the open and that is just his personality, and we've always hung out as a couple with S. Me and S have a lot in common, shared interests etc., but we've always had a fairly casual friendship, only seen each other a few times a year.

However, he is recently single, and for a few months now we've been messaging. Daily. Neither of us have said anything inappropriate, but he is getting a bit more flirty each day. I don't reciprocate but I don't tell him not to either. And I realised the other day that I'm spending most of my day thinking about him. Wondering when he will message me. Fantasising about him.

If DH was doing this with a woman I would be absolutely devastated.

Please talk some sense into me. I do genuinely value my friendship with S and don't want to lose it, but I also don't really see how I can claw back a normal friendship after feeling this way about him. I just feel like I need a bucket of cold water tipped over my head. I can't concentrate on anything except this bloody man and his bloody messages.

OP posts:
Mulberry974 · 20/04/2020 15:34

Hi, I think you know that at least in your head you've crossed a line and it really bothers you. You really need to back off from S and create some distance from him, I know that's difficult. The more time you are in contact with him the more of an issue you are creating and the less time and energy you are spending on your marriage. Realise that the way you've built him up in your hard is actually a fantasy - it isn't love and it is coming from your needs not being met in your marriage. Please step back from this, and save yourself and your DH a huge amount of pain.

If it helps from the other side, my husband cheated on me and the pain that is caused by that never leaves you. If affects every future potential relationship, it makes you doubt yourself utterly. Regardless of whether your marriage is currently happy, please consider what pain you could cause.

Good luck

Mulberry974 · 20/04/2020 15:34

built him up in your head

I0NA · 20/04/2020 15:37

You can’t claw back a normal friendship with S. You have over stepped that boundary and you know it.

Tell S that you are going to stop all contact with him as it’s getting out of line / it would hurt your DH / You are going to work on your marriage.

Then do that . Or leave .

Tell your husband nothing about S.

toastytoesandacupoftea · 20/04/2020 15:49

Tell S your partner has seen the messages. Bet you never hear off S again. That's how you'll gauge his sincerity in his interest in you.

MsDogLady · 20/04/2020 16:00

You need to shut down this emotional affair. You are actively damaging your marriage and making a fool of your husband.

Imolilo · 20/04/2020 16:08

I don’t think anything anyone will say in here will stop this.
But
I are you tough enough for this game? Emotionally?
Because here you have a man who is newly single who is probably playing the field and you will potentially be one of a few women he is messaging.

You are already emotionally involved - could you cope with the fallout? Being ghosted when he has got what he wants? Seeing him with other women? The increasing distance from your partner? Living your life waiting for a text? The risk of getting caught? Hurting your partner? Separating?

But like I say - I don’t think you will listen. You are already in it so good luck

Chocolate123 · 20/04/2020 16:09

As you said if your DH was doing this you'd be devastated. Stop it now you know it's wrong. Zero contact

Imolilo · 20/04/2020 16:10

‘Very troubled’ charming etc
Don’t do it - you will get hurt.

Original poster
sadandcliched · 20/04/2020 16:11

Thank you all for the stern words. I needed them.

It's not so much the content of the messages that is inappropriate - the flirting is very indirect - more the frequency. I never criticise my husband in them and mention him often. It's my feelings that are out of line.

I do just need to stop responding. You're right that I probably can't have him as a friend anymore.

OP posts:
lmnoh · 20/04/2020 16:35

If the messages are on WhatsApp then snooze them for a period.
If you feel like you must respond, do it with a 😂 or something similar if he is getting frisky or make up an excuse that you're super busy and can't chat.
Don't participate in any of the chat, however tempting it might be and hopefully he'll get bored after a few days.

Howfar12 · 20/04/2020 16:47

You need to tell your husband - he deserves to jnow

MikeUniformMike · 20/04/2020 17:01

Block S on everything, after letting him know that you feel that things aren't appropriate.

Do not tell your husband.
Work on your marriage, if it beyond repair, end it. Do not involve S.

Original poster
sadandcliched · 20/04/2020 17:01

Thanks all.

Yes, he would be an awful partner. I know that logically but my brain still won't let go of these fantasies.

The stuff about 'imagine his dirty washing, him snoring' etc. doesn't seem to work - I think because we've been friends for so long and he's so open about gross and embarrassing parts of his life. One of the things about him I like so much.

Ugh. I'm just going to have to stop talking to him. The thought makes me really bereft!

OP posts:
Howfar12 · 20/04/2020 17:02

@MikeUniformMike so her husband doesn’t deserve to know the truth?

MikeUniformMike · 20/04/2020 17:56

He doesn't need to know.

OP needs to stop the EA.

DontWatchTheShining · 20/04/2020 17:56

Hi @sadandcliched. My advice: read and re-read the "I've been cheated on" threads here. Scare yourself. You're right - this could explode your whole family. It's an addiction.
Also, find something else that gives you a thrill. Difficult right now, I know, but have a go....

NoMoreDickheads · 20/04/2020 18:28

You're right that I probably can't have him as a friend anymore

IDK about that necessarily, but you could make a point of only seeing him with your husband present.

If he is flirty via message or elsewhere, then tell him to stop it.

I would find this man sleazy to be honest. I think he's ready to catch you at a vulnerable moment. And you're not special- as you say, this is partly his personality. He probably has loads of girls he's doing stuff like this with.

TheStuffedPenguin · 20/04/2020 20:42

He's loving it - he's getting one over on your H and you are colluding in this . How despicable . I've been at the receiving end of this and it's just horrible to think that someone who actually knows your family would do this ...and then of course there is yourself allowing it to happen.

Atleastthedoglovesme · 21/04/2020 10:24

It is perfectly possible to 'starve a crush'...at the moment you are feeding your crush. You have chosen to feel this way and you can choose to change the way you feel.

Cut all contact with this man (tell him you are going to) delete and block him off your phone.

Invest some time and love into your own marriage, your DH does not deserve this.

Mordred · 21/04/2020 11:18

Don't do this.

An ex-gf, who I was living with many years ago, did this to me with a friend of hers, who I also knew and we used to go out with in a group of friends. It started as an emotional affair, though this before the age of emails and mobiles was done by letters and phone calls, then illicit meetings and then the physical stuff, when I was away for a couple of weeks on a field trip abroad. She felt immediately guilty and was 'kind' enough to tell me about it when I was 1000 miles and a week away from coming home, just to unburden herself. I was devastated, humiliated and crushed.

I was fucked-up for quite a few years afterwards, found trust v difficult and screwed up several potential relationships because of it.

Take a step back, the damage you'll do is considerable.

Original poster
sadandcliched · 27/04/2020 06:53

Hi all. In case anyone is reading this thread and hoping for an update - I've messaged S saying that I feel I've crossed a line and been inappropriate. That because we can't physically meet because of the lockdown I've been justifying the flirting as harmless, but it's not, and that the last thing I want to do is wreck my marriage. I've said that I value his friendship but we need to stop messaging each other. He hasn't seen the message yet. I'm feeling nervous but hopefully he'll be mature about it and respect my wishes.

To be honest, the more we talked the more things came up which made me realise what a dick he was. Fun as a friend but in now way partner matrrial. My husband is amazing and this man couldn't remotely hold a candle to him. I feel silly for having got so swept away.

Thanks again for all your advice.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/04/2020 07:04

I think its more the fact that he's giving you whay you crave- some attention.

If you haven't yet got flirty then that's a blessing as you can shut this down now with minimum guilt.

Give your marriage a chance and if it doesnt work out then move on. This guy sounds like a fool. He knows both you and your husband and is upping the ante to flirt with you. Not a good guy. You'd be best to avoid.

NotMyNigel · 27/04/2020 07:36

Well done @sadandcliched, you’ve made a good decision.

How do you feel now ?

Original poster
sadandcliched · 27/04/2020 07:56

Thanks @NotMyNigel - I'm feeling a bit relieved but also nervous about how he will respond. I also don't know whether to confess to my husband what's been going on or if that would only serve to upset him.

This is a definite wake up call. I need to work on what's been missing in my marriage for me to get so sucked in.

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 27/04/2020 08:08

Well done for putting an end to it - that was a dangerous game as it might have got out of hand once lockdown was over. You've now seen a much fuller picture of what he is actually like. I would strongly suggest cooling the friendship too.