Please talk some sense into me - emotional affair

[sadandcliched]

I know I'm going to get flamed for this and rightly so.

I feel like I'm standing at the top of a very slippery slope.

DH and I have been married for 3 years, together for 12. One toddler. He is a great partner but we have some big problems in our marriage which we're trying to work on - mainly mismatched libidos (mine is higher) and the fact DH never really pays me much attention. I did feel a few months ago that our marriage was on the rocks, but after a long talk I think we can work through things.

Anyway, we've been mutual friends with this man I'll call S for as long as we've known each other. Not close friends, but always have a laugh when we hang out together. S is a BIG personality, life and soul of the party. Has lots of issues though. Very magnetic but very troubled.

S has always paid me attention. Been really complimentary and openly flirty with me in front of DH, which I just laugh off and DH just rolls his eyes at. But I can't say I haven't enjoyed the ego boost. It's never seemed inappropriate because it's always been out in the open and that is just his personality, and we've always hung out as a couple with S. Me and S have a lot in common, shared interests etc., but we've always had a fairly casual friendship, only seen each other a few times a year.

However, he is recently single, and for a few months now we've been messaging. Daily. Neither of us have said anything inappropriate, but he is getting a bit more flirty each day. I don't reciprocate but I don't tell him not to either. And I realised the other day that I'm spending most of my day thinking about him. Wondering when he will message me. Fantasising about him.

If DH was doing this with a woman I would be absolutely devastated.

Please talk some sense into me. I do genuinely value my friendship with S and don't want to lose it, but I also don't really see how I can claw back a normal friendship after feeling this way about him. I just feel like I need a bucket of cold water tipped over my head. I can't concentrate on anything except this bloody man and his bloody messages.

So he replied to my message. Said he's had these feelings for me too but had been trying to kid himself he didn't. He says he's gutted at the idea of not talking to me. Wants to stay friends. He also said he'd never have crossed the line and jeapordised my marriage. I'm not sure that's quite true.

This is surprisingly painful. And I feel so guilty.

I do want to stay friends but goodness knows how after this.

Said he's had these feelings for me too but had been trying to kid himself he didn't. He says he's gutted at the idea of not talking to me. Wants to stay friends

So you have both confessed to romantic feelings for each other ? There’s no way back to friendship from here.

Unless by friendship you mean chatting to each other in social settings when you are both accompanied by your partners . No private communication whatsoever.

He also said he'd never have crossed the line and jeapordised my marriage. I'm not sure that's quite true

You have ALREADY crossed the line and jeopardised your marriage. I know that you know this too OP, that’s why you feel so guilty.

I’m sorry I know it’s painful. But you know it’s a mistake and you need to keep your resolve to end it.

Please get yourself some counselling , you need a safe space to grieve your loss.

And also to help you work out what you want to do about your marriage.

Please don’t tell your husband. You’d only be doing it to make yourself feel better and it would hurt him deeply. As well as set off a bomb in your friendship group.

If you need to confess, use a priest or counsellor.

OP, confessing feelings to him really wasn’t a good idea, because now he knows he’s drawn you in, plus it makes everything more dramatic, rather than starving the crush — but it’s done now. Block him, and delete all messages. You need to deprive yourself of the material to continue to brood on this.

You need to stay well, well away.

I know how hard this will be, trust me...the temptation will be huge and the sense of loss very real.

The fact that this is so close to home too is so very dangerous, your husband could find out so easily and it would be game over for you.

Don't beat yourself up, just move on. You can't be friends imo. Something is lacking in your marriage and this man made you feel alive and desired but it's not real.

Not. Real.

Yep agree, go cold turkey.
No friendship is possible at the moment.

S represents new and different, and the reason you have noticed is because you are unhappy in your relationship.

S could frankly be anyone, because you are tempted not because of the person, but because of the attention and the adrenaline you are receiving because of it.

End it with S, and figure out whether you want to focus on your marriage or whether it has run its course.

Do not confess to your husband. That's so unnecessary, YOU have to do the work here.

Block his number.

Tell your husband. That will be the quickest way to make sure nothing happens once lockdown is over.

You have been emotionally cheating and cannot now backpedal into friendship with your Affair Partner. That is a recipe for disaster. Cut off this illicit relationship. Channel your energy into your marriage or end it. Your Husband does not deserve this disrespect.