Anyone able to talk and give me advice please

[confused1922]

Hi I have name changed for this post I need to know if I have just needed my 9 year relationship for nothing . Basically just put my work clothes on because I start at 5 am and drove off just found somewhere to stay and hopefully nod off . I have issues with porn . My ex was addicted to it . Refused to have sex with me for months at a time . I would find his stash every where . Also in his phone he would have people from our town sending him naked photos the lot so since then I hate it . Met my partner told him all about it when we 1st started dating . So he knows that I won't have porn in the relationship. He agreed said he didn't really watch it and all was fine . Then two years ago found out he had been watching it . I didn't flip I was just so sad . All the feelings I felt cake back . Not good enough . Ugly , fat he's watching it because he doesn't fancy me . All the stuff my ex used to say to me . Obviously he was embarrassed I found out then got emotional said he was sorry he was randy when I was in work promised he wouldn't do it again . Then he changed his code for his phone . We both got the same codes so I thought that was odd . One day on thee au home from work he give me his phone which was open as I was doing online banking but he kept and eye on me the whole time then all of a sudden what's app messages came though and all were pics and videos off men he worked with . I lost it looked and there were hundreds . Months worth . I took him back but said it was his last chance . He sent me a text saying how sorry he was and he would never ever do this again . Didn't want to throw away what we got and the future . Then tonight . Two years on the satellite shower was happening . We were both out looking and I didn't have my phone so I said could I film it off his and he wouldn't give it to me so I go back and get mine I got out and he's hiding his phone so I say I hope you ain't got dodgy stuff on your phone again he said no do you want a look I said no . We go to bed and our sex life hasn't been that good lately . Even tho we are trying for a baby . Same pattern as last time so I grab his phone and look in his gallery . And there's videos of women stripping off in to sexy underwear . Then two other which I didn't look at but one looked like porn . So I'm thinking do I just not tell him and try get on with it half hour laying in bed I couldn't do I wake him and and I say why have you done this again and he was like done what so I show him the videos he's like I haven't even seen them . So I look when he downloaded them and he had them all sent to him a again on a sleazy what's app group and he's watched them all and even commented . So I get up get dressed and say to him that's it's over I actaully want him gone when I come home tomorrow. I said I can't believe you are doing it again when you promised me you wouldn't . He didn't say a word to me but he never does when he's been caught out lying . He doesn't like anything dirty either and I don't ever do anything to hurt him . I'm feeling so sad right now like I am actaully going to throw this all away because of this but to me this is bad . I need some views if I am over reacting ? Thankyou all x

I'm so sorry for the long essay I don't want to involve my family right now x

Everyone has different boundaries with porn. What you described to me wouldn't be an issue as I watch porn myself sometimes. You've given him ultimatums in the past and he hasn't stuck to them. This seems like a real big issue for you and I don't think you'll ever trust him again. Without trust there's no relationship.

Thankyou so much for replying . Exactly my point . I have never been in a what's app group like that because he would flip and I expect the same Iv never cheated on him or down anything to hurt his feelings . I do absolutely everything for him . And then he does this . I know il regret my decision big time tomorrow when I get home but I have to stick to it this time . As much as I love him I don't want to feel the way I do anymore x

You're throwing away someone that isn't good for you. I'm so sorry, I felt so sad for you reading your post. He's lied so much now, would you trust him not to use porn again?

Ok well you'll have all the porn apologists on shaming you into keeping a deceitful liar, cause it's only a bit of porn, innit? Does no harm, and all that self serving shite.

Ethics of porn aside, and I can't get started because I'm liable to explode right now, he's a lying untrustworthy piece of shit.

Surely you deserve better?

Deceitful misogynistic liar...

Its the deceit, knowing you has history with hating porn use and he still did it.

Stick with it, he isn't worth it, find someone who will love you properly and who you can trust

his behaviour is disgusting. He has no respect for you at all. He knows that he can get away with it.

I didn't even know there were WhatsApp groups for things like this, where do they even meet to exchange numbers.

You aren't throwing anything away, you are demanding more respect for your boundaries.

Set the bar higher. You deserve better.

I'm crying reading all these Thankyou so much for being nice to me I was expecting to be ripped to pieces on here . I know your all right and it's so nice to know that it's not me being pathetic . I know some people have no issue with porn and I really wish I was like that . It's actually a nightmare living in my head . I never had an issue with it at all before my ex . I just feel so hurt by him . I'm so glad that I didn't get pregnant before finding this out . I've blocked him on what's app because I don't want to hear off him at all right now saying that I bet he doesn't even care and has gone straight back to sleep . It is defiantly the lying to me . Iv not checked his phone for two years because this one day not long after all that happened two years ago he was working away again . He sent me such a lovely text I still got it now . I read it sometimes when I'm feeling a bit insecure . What he said on it meant the world to me . Il copy and paste it on the next reply . And I felt so secure and certain this wouldn't come about again . I can't get around the fact that he has gone to work , watches them disgusting videos then text me straight after that he loves me . Turns me sick . Il never ever want another relationship after this . I love company and don't want to be alone but I'd prefere to be alone than getting hurt x

You were clear about your boundary. He crossed it repeatedly. I understand your reaction. Would you be able to trust him again? Do you have children with him?

This was the text I had two years ago

I'm really sorry I don't know how to reply to individual messages . Honestly I feel different this time . Like I have had as much as I can take . I am literally going to be deverstated tomorrow. I love him so much and we had so many plans but this is the only thing I don't want him to do and he does it time and time again . X

The what's app group is just him and two people he met going to football . He used to say the chats were only about football and I believed him . Even tho he muted the group which means that when ever they send messages they don't come up on his phone 😂 his stupid am I . I thought he done it because his phone would constantly go off . Mad how things can go from great to nothing in a matter of hours . X

Also the what's app group two years ago was actually him his boss ! And the other men he works with . There was no work talk on there just video after video photo after photo of the most disgusting stuff . Half of them are married too ! I'm think I'm bit of a feminist lately . Find it all very degrading. If I had a son and he was sharing stuff like that there would be hell to play . X

It is degrading he has shown you what women are good for.

I am so sorry, I know some women would be fine with this, but I am not one of them. I would prefer Internet port to a mutual wanking group for pervy men with shared interests. It isnt really necessary nowadays with the amount of free port available.

It isn't even that. You told him how it made you feel and he knew that right at the start. He had a choice to walk away, he didn't. He knew that you had boundary issues with your ex and he exploited the same trusting nature.

The thing is that his words and his actions don't match. Pay attention to actions over words every time.

Thankyou for replying. It's awful isn't. I honestly don't know why he keeps doing it . I can never get much out of him so there would be no point in me even asking him in the morning . I won't take him back this time either . I really hope he does have a long hard think about why I have ended things . Problem is with this virus going on he has no where to go as he doesn't speak to any of his family . I'm currently trying to sleep in my car but every noice I hear is freaking me out 😂 . I'm going to be dead in work later . I know for a fact he won't even try to contact me at all . He will prob turn up after work tomorrow and totally blank me like he has done the other 2 times . It takes him a few days to apologise . X

You're better off without him, he will never be honest. X

Can you take tomorrow off work?
Go home, pack his stuff and leave it on the doorstep?
Deadlock the door and refuse access - he'll get the message.

I don't think you've ended your relationship over nothing. There is no trust anymore, andthat is pretty fundamental to any partnership.
I'm not a porn hater, I don't mind it - but that isn't the issue here. The issue is that you have specifically asked him more than once not to do something, and he has lied to you and done it anyway.

Good luck OP, you've got this x

I totally feel your pain. I went through the same thing as you. I found out about it just after another miscarriage, so I felt like a total failure. And instead of my hubby being there for me, he was watching them disgusting videos/photos shared with him on the group chat, even though he knew this was a big no no for me. That was 2 years ago, I still feel like a failure and inadequate. Even though he hasn't done it again, I will never trust him and wish I had the strength to have ended it then.

You're definately not overreacting. . It may be best to take the day of work tomorrow if possible. You won't be thinking straight and I"m sure it will be hard to get through a work shift with whats going on. Like the others have said it may be better to go home, pack his bags, leave them on the door step and lock the doors. Take care and good luck xx

So sorry you are going through this, but turn it around and thank your lucky stars you found out before having children with a man like him.

OP, it doesn't matter what others think or what their standards are. You can only go by what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable and porn is a deal breaker for you. My brother in law would never look at porn and he and my sister are very happily married, so hold out for someone whose values are aligned with yours. Better to be alone and live your truth than to compromise on something you find so distasteful.

Ditch him for good. He sounds horrible

I have managed to get a good hour and half sleep woke up freezing tho 😂. Blasting the heating now then going to drive to work slowly . Unfortunately I can't take any time off with that's going on . It has to happen today too because I have actually had a week off up until now . I know I'm only in my early 30s but I'd love a man who's not in to technology at all . I think finding one would be pretty slim ha ha . I could easily live my life with out a phone , internet . As long as I have eastenders I'm happy 😬. I didn't even own a phone or lap top until mid twenties . I am so very grateful for everyone's comments . I am always reading this boards and Always come across comments where people are saying the people who are against porn got the problem. My mother doesn't get it not even my friends they all think I'm nuts when we have spoken about porn use in relationships. It winds me up tho because I think it's like we have to be ok with it because that's what men do . But it shouldn't be that way .im so nervous thinking about the reality of this but I also have got to stop feeling so guilty because I'm not the one who has caused this . I keep thinking of how he lied to my face and said go look through my phone then . He's an awful liar so I knew instantly that he was hiding something. The other reason why I haven't looked at his phone in two years is not only because I trusted him this time but then youl always have that worry what if and I just didn't want to hurt myself by finding something again . X

Over the hill oh my god I'm so so sorry what you have been though . I know how you feel . I had a late misscarriage whilst my ex didn't even come to the hospital with me he picked me up to take me home and that's where I found a 2nd phone I knew nothing about . He was getting food so I turned it on and I couldn't believe what I was reading or seeing . Messages which were disgusting also photos from a girl he worked with. .i ended up making myself ill with too much blood loss and a developed an infection and I honestly think it was because I got out of the car and walked 6 miles home . I was in so much pain but it broke my heart . You are not a failure at all ❤️ if anyone is a failure it's him . Xxx

@confused1922 it’s not the porn per se it is the boundary violation and the lies. I don’t mind dh watching porn but there are other things I mind about very much that if I caught him a lie the trust would be gone. You are doing the right thing. My brother doesn’t use porn and barely uses a phone etc, he is in his 30s so there r people out there. Hope you get through the day ok and keep posting. You will gets lots of support on here.