Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship advice

47 replies

babylov10k · 19/04/2020 17:21

hi, im new to this and a bit nervous posting my first post. im 26 i live with my partner, we had our house for around 4 years and been together for about 6. I feel like i'm going in circles with him the past year or so we have the same argument over and over again about starting a family. We both want kids, But he keeps putting it off and having ago at me when i try to talk to him about it. we was going to try end of this year sometime for a baby, but i keep having doubts because, i'm trying to talk to him and work out money and after when i return back to work. I said to him i would be going back about 2 days or 3 days a week, and he seems to think i will be going back to work full time 45 hours a week and look after a baby, and look after the house, i already doing everything a housewife does from cooking, cleaning, sorting bills, food shop, pack ups for us both, washing etc... i keep telling him i wouldn't be able to manage, he knows i struggle with depression slightly and have tablets for anxiety. But i told him i would be ideally going back 2-3 days a week so i could manage other jobs too. All i get from him is its easy having a baby and i need to go back to work full time. is it me been stupid? we don't struggle for money and we would be fine after a baby. I really want a baby with him he the love of my life but i have doubts with what he would be like after a baby would be here. He started saying i only want a baby so i have time of work. I dont get whats going on with him. I try my best with him but he comes up with stupid comments or is it me that's been stupid? The sex is just a no go really 2-3 times a month. i don't understand why he is saying all this to me. its not like im getting any younger either. the more i mention kids the more he doesn't want to know. i haven't got one to talk to about the issue.
please give me advice even thought its small and stupid one.

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 19/04/2020 17:23

Do NOT have kids with the man child. Why have you allowed yourself to become his personal slave?

babylov10k · 19/04/2020 17:52

i make it sound bad but appart from this baby issue we are great together.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 19/04/2020 17:54

You mean you’re great together when things are plain sailing with no big issues to discuss.

This issue is showing you exactly who he is, a sexist, selfish, controlling man. Honestly he will bring you misery - such misery.

Be wise, leave.

BackseatCookers · 19/04/2020 18:01

I make it sound bad but appart from this baby issue we are great together.

So basically apart from any life changing decisions you're great together?

So are many people. It doesn't mean they are in a position to have a child they can provide with stability and security.

If you are incompatible on such big issues then how do you think you'll be able to healthily deal with more big issues once you have less sleep, more stress, loads of financial pressure and all the other changes having a baby brings to a relationship?

Gobbycop · 19/04/2020 18:04

He doesn't want kids.

"It's easy having a baby"

I'm sure it is if you do fuck all for it, which sounds like the kind of father he'd be.

Also you say you do everything a housewife does? Are you saying he does nothing to help around the house?

Don't have kids with this guy, I come home from a 12hr shift and the house is sometimes a shit tip or there isn't any dinner. Why?
Because looking after a baby is a full time job.
He obviously doesn't get that.

BackseatCookers · 19/04/2020 18:18

its easy having a baby

Anyone so insufferably stupid they actually say these words is really not someone you should be planning a family with.

Seriously.

If you continue planning to have a baby with him then you're being ridiculously irresponsible and immature.

Flatbellyfella · 19/04/2020 18:29

Having children is hard work for both parents,even when both pull together, if your partner lets you do everything now, there in no way he will step up to having a child as well. How the hell does he expect you to return to work & do every chore about the house & raise a child. He needs to be shown the door back to his mummy.

nancyjuice7 · 19/04/2020 18:35

Do not have a baby with him in his current mindset as he'll leave you, or worse you'll end up looking after the baby on your own and by the sounds of it, wiping his arse as well.

Set a goal to say save 5k to see you through Mat leave and baby buying bits split between you, if he put the money aside each month without you nagging or reminding him. Then maybe he has some commitment but I certainly wouldn't be getting pregnant with him atm.

Maybe wait a few years for him to mature if your set on having children with him.

Also stop doing his washing and he can make his own lunch Smile

rvby · 19/04/2020 18:39

You say you're great together except for this issue.

But the issue is probably the most massive, life changing one you can have Confused

I'm really sorry but if you want a calm happy family life where you feel supported and loved, this isnt the guy to give it to you.

You're extremely young still. Dont get pregnant to this man, you will rue the day. Split from him and find a partner who isn't an idiot, frankly. He sounds unforgivably thick, as well as lazy and entitled.

Lolliloo1234 · 19/04/2020 18:41

This sounds EXACTLY like my first marriage - even the ages and behaviours are the same.
Darling OP, I know you love him and the prospect of not being with him scares you but you should absolutely NOT be doing everything a ‘housewife’ does. Baby chat or no baby chat. It’s a recipe for disaster - the pressure that will put on you for years to come will build and build. Believe me, I’ve been there.
You need to be with someone who loves and nurtures you, coming to a common solution for your future decisions. There are some wonderful men out there who are kind, considerate and supportive. You will meet one of them. However, from what you have described, your current partner is not one of them.

I left my first husband who was just as you describe and have never looked back.

JKScot4 · 19/04/2020 18:44

You work 45 hours pw and do everything at home.
You’ll be on here next year posting your on mat leave and your tights arse DP won’t support you or the baby!
These posts come up regularly, do not have a baby with this selfish prick.

Intothefuture · 19/04/2020 18:45

Have you told him what the childcare costs would be if you worked full time and he would be contributing half?

Are you planning to get married?

babylov10k · 19/04/2020 18:57

Yes he would pay half for everything more then half probably, he said he would make sure baby wouldn’t not be wanted for anything. And marriage is a no he doesn’t want to get married.

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 19/04/2020 19:07

After your update about him not wanting to get married there is even more reason to NOT have a baby with this man.

rvby · 19/04/2020 19:11

@babylov10k sorry love but based on your last post, you'd be an absolute fool to stay with this guy.

Honestly. For your own sake, give your head a wobble and start making plans to end it. You won't get what you want from this relationship.

BackseatCookers · 19/04/2020 19:11

Yes he would pay half for everything more then half probably, he said he would make sure baby wouldn’t not be wanted for anything.

Oh phew, for a minute I thought it sounded like he wasn't going to be a responsible parent. But if he's said he'll make sure everything is ok then obviously my fear were unfounded...

He has said he will pay for half and you think he'll pay for more than half. This is all total fantasy land on your part OP!

And marriage is a no he doesn’t want to get married.

It's his absolute right not to want to get married. But do YOU want to? If you do, then break up with him. Because it's not something you can compromise on.

Does he not want to be married (at all) or not want to get married (i.e. have a wedding)? If the latter you can always do a registry office job so you are married but don't have to do a big wedding day. I don't know why I'm even mentioning that really because my god it sounds like itd be a mistake to marry him.

Regardless it sounds like you DO want to get married. And have a nice partner who is excited to approach life as a team and enjoy planning a mutually fun and fulfilling life together. You ain't gonna get that with this one.

RandomMess · 19/04/2020 19:11

You will do EVERYTHING and he will do nothing. You will be run ragged and exhausted, he will be cross that you have no energy for him anymore.

He will leave/have an affair, blame you and you financially you will be high and dry because you aren't married...

Unless you jointly own your home and genuinely all finances, housework, mental load and childcare are shared 50:50 then it won't have a happy ending.

ShleeAnKree · 19/04/2020 19:12

You're not great together.

Great together means that you work through the challenges.

I would dissolve your assets and start again. You are only 26! You have your whole life ahead of you. Do not have a child with this lazy around the house man who doesn't want to get married.

ShleeAnKree · 19/04/2020 19:12

Ps, WELL DONE FOR HAVING THIS CONVERSATION in advance of having a baby though Brew

babylov10k · 19/04/2020 19:23

I know my self I won’t leave. He was first person I met. I know I’m stupid but I know I won’t leave. He is a decent guy, he helps when I ask him, he started shopping with me for food, I’m just having a melt down I think. My family think he is the best. I just fed up. It’s maybe the lockdown I’m overthinking stuff I don’t know. :(

OP posts:
Bluebooby · 19/04/2020 19:28

Don't have a baby with him.

ShleeAnKree · 19/04/2020 19:29

Stop. Don't settle for so little.

You're not over thinking anything.

This is your gut talking to you. It's your intuition warning you that this isn't right.

I had children with a selfish lazy man and that turned out how you'd expect.

If I could go back and talk to myself, I'd tell me to value me, my life and my future more highly. But how you might ask?

Ok, without making any big decisions right now, listen to Daniel Branden's Six Pillar of self-esteem on youtube, the part about self-efficacy and the belief that we have power to shape our own lives really spoke to me. It's about 4 hours long, maybe longer, but it's a really really great listen. Soothing voice as well.

Could be the best four hours of your life.

There are several relationship coaches that might be worth subscribing to as well. Alan robarge is very good. He's a psychotherapist but his clips are all about relationships.

There is so much information out there. Treat yourself like your friend.

Your friend might have the bravery and the self-belief to leave one day. So assume that she's only going to get more self-belief and more bravery as time goes on.

CodenameVillanelle · 19/04/2020 19:31

You'll be a fool if you stay with him and have a baby with him. Really.

RandomMess · 19/04/2020 19:32

"He helps when I ask"

Why does he not have responsibility for 50% of the household stuff including knowing it needs to be done and just getting on with it...

He's a man child he doesn't want marriage and babies and responsibilities he is most likely stringing you along.

Zhuleva · 19/04/2020 19:33

Please don't say 'I know myself I won't leave' - you're sewing yourself into a trap without thinking about it properly. In a way he's doing you a favour not wanting a baby, as once you have a child with him. Please think very hard about all of this - you know it's not right otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.

You're young - younger than you know, and you have your whole life ahead of you. You can do so, so much better than he sounds - even if your family really like him. Your family don't have to live with him.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.