Relationship advice

[babylov10k]

hi, im new to this and a bit nervous posting my first post. im 26 i live with my partner, we had our house for around 4 years and been together for about 6. I feel like i'm going in circles with him the past year or so we have the same argument over and over again about starting a family. We both want kids, But he keeps putting it off and having ago at me when i try to talk to him about it. we was going to try end of this year sometime for a baby, but i keep having doubts because, i'm trying to talk to him and work out money and after when i return back to work. I said to him i would be going back about 2 days or 3 days a week, and he seems to think i will be going back to work full time 45 hours a week and look after a baby, and look after the house, i already doing everything a housewife does from cooking, cleaning, sorting bills, food shop, pack ups for us both, washing etc... i keep telling him i wouldn't be able to manage, he knows i struggle with depression slightly and have tablets for anxiety. But i told him i would be ideally going back 2-3 days a week so i could manage other jobs too. All i get from him is its easy having a baby and i need to go back to work full time. is it me been stupid? we don't struggle for money and we would be fine after a baby. I really want a baby with him he the love of my life but i have doubts with what he would be like after a baby would be here. He started saying i only want a baby so i have time of work. I dont get whats going on with him. I try my best with him but he comes up with stupid comments or is it me that's been stupid? The sex is just a no go really 2-3 times a month. i don't understand why he is saying all this to me. its not like im getting any younger either. the more i mention kids the more he doesn't want to know. i haven't got one to talk to about the issue.
please give me advice even thought its small and stupid one.

sorry - didn't finish a sentence properly - 'as once you have a child with him you're even less likely to leave'.

Wait so you currently work full time.

And you also do the following (your words): "everything a housewife does from cooking, cleaning, sorting bills, food shop, pack ups for us both, washing etc..."

But you say he's a decent guy because he helps if you ask?

Jesus wept.

You say you know yourself and you won't leave.

Get to know yourself and get to a point where you realise you don't need to accept such low standards in a partner.

If a man and a woman are both working both full time then onus isn't on the woman to do all the housework just because she has a vagina. And you don't need to be grateful to him if he does 20% of it if you ask.

A good couple is a good team. Equal partners who are fair and decent and see the house stuff as their shared responsibility.

He's not decent. He's an immature little wanker who is being treated like a king and you're defending him even though he's taking the piss out of you.

Good luck, you'll need it.

He'll be one of these dads you proudly tell your mates is "babysitting" (his own kids) on your solo night out once a year as if he's done you a massive favour.

It would be totally foolish to have a child with this man, and even more so to pack in FT work and your ability to support yourself to enable an unmarried partner to carry on as normal, that is a very stupid move to make no matter what.

You're not 'great together' at all. You enable a manchild by being a skivvy to him and he shows you no respect, just expects you to be the maid and give him sex. Of course he doesn't want to get married! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

He's lead you down the garden path. Love is respect, where's his for you?

Performing as an adult in life, doing your share of the lifework, isn't 'helping' and you shouldn't have to ask. Who wiped his arse for him before you came along to take up the torch from Mummy?

He's a lazy, selfish, controlling knobber. He'll never change.

It's your life to waste, though.

OP, just because he’s your first partner doesn’t mean he has to be your last. Quite the reverse - so many women meet Mr Wrong (or several Mr Wrongs!) before their eventual Mr Right. The man you fancy when you are young, immature and silly is rarely an ideal life partner. Don’t fall for the fallacy of sunk costs either - “I’ve wasted all these years on him, therefore I have to stick with him and waste the rest of my life”.

Have a good hard look at this relationship, without the rose tinted glasses. This commitment phobe doesn’t even want to marry you (because it would give you financial security and some rights to his assets), he expects you to work full time, do all the childcare and housework, and is so congenitally stupid that he thinks having a baby is “easy”! Or says that to set you up to fail when you find its bloody exhausting, as every new mother does.

You are far too young at 26, with no experience of other men or decent normal relationships, to throw your life away like this. For the love of God please listen to what all the women on here are telling you!

How on earth do you think you are worth so little that you have to skivvy after a man? Where's your self worth?

Don't have a baby. Don't stay in a relationship with such a lazy sexist man child. You are young and have no ties to him. Get out while you can.

I got a house with him both our names are on the paper work, I wouldn’t even know where to start with that, and I couldn’t go back to my mums. You all seem harsh but i know your all right. -.-

Quite simply sell the house or one of you has to buy the other one out.

What Random said. People do it all the time, don't waste your life with this sexist, stupid man who has no respect for you.

I have always put my self down and tell my self I carnt do better. I don’t have friends so I haven’t got anyone, I just tell my self I’m not going to get anyone else and he will just do. I think I just keep quiet to keep everyone happy. I him and I love our home, I just sit and over think stuff and cry just like now.

Focus on changing yourself. Make plans to develop friendships and interests etc.

Learn to be happy and confident in yourself.

Is it him telling you your over thinking when you cry?
I used to cry and get upset at my exdp shitty behaviour and he always used to tell me I was overthinking.
Of course you deserve better OP, you are not his slave. I feel like your making excuses for him. He sounds like a horrible man! You deserve to be with someone who is your equal, everything should be 50/50 and you deserve to be with someone who is excited at the prospect of having children with you, not someone who just says having a baby is easy and expects you to do everything! What an arse. Please leave this man.

I struggle with all that, if you met me in person you wouldn’t think it because I talk and talk and talk lol i got bullied at school so that knocked me down a lot my best friend was my grandad he passed away. I’m just scared of leaving and having to start again I just don’t want to waste all these years and have to start again with someone else. I’m just fed up of life atm before this lock down work was getting me down too. Just all hitting me with a ton of bricks at once. I act like everything is great in front of family and everyone. Just to keep the peace and so people don’t talk about us failing.

I’m just scared of leaving and having to start again I just don’t want to waste all these years and have to start again with someone else.

My love you can see it two ways.

One way - you've 'wasted' six years, break up and have likely sixty or more years left on this planet to be happy, healthy and find someone you love to bits who makes you feel brilliant about yourself and would be devastated to make you cry

The other way - you don't want to 'waste' the last six years so you stay with your current boyfriend and spent the next sixty plus years trying to make the relationship how you want it to be, but you cry frequently, feel unappreciated every day, claw for his attention and every time he rejects you you feel even shitter about yourself, have kids so you feel totally trapped, desperately want to leave but can't because you worry he won't make any effort with them if you aren't around etc...

So you see, if you leave THIS year then you won't have 'wasted' six years at all. You'll just have invested six years learning what you won't put up with in future so you can put your energy into the next SIXTY PLUS years you might be on this earth - having fun, being happy, starting a family, feeling loved....

Look up sunk cost fallacy and do NOT fall for it - it's called a fallacy for a reason!!

Please leave, I was unhappy at 26, I’m now 36 and still here plus two children. It will be so much easier if you leave now, the older you get the harder it gets. He might change but even if he does you will resent him for how he used to treat you. My dp also wanted me to work full time after having a baby and said I was lazy and didn’t like work when I had some time off. It’s not nice.

Your problem OP is you are choosing your life partner as a 20 year old. If you could look back as a forty year old woman who has life experience you would not chose a man who didn’t want to marry you, is lazy and expects you to pay half of everything while you work full time and the sex isn’t that good.

You are only 26, make the best decision you can for your future and leave this loser.

OP, go get counselling to deal with your lack of self esteem. You need to get to the root of that, so that you attract someone worthy of you.

Children are a lot of work, even as teens. It just changes. Don’t get me started on babies!

Re-read what backseatcookers said ^.

Look up the sunk cost fallacy, OP.

If you want to stay with him then do this

1. Sort out the housework / admin / cooking/ shopping/ laundry so you both do 50:50. He needs to do his share on his own, without you reminding him or checking up on him.

1. Change your job to one that you enjoy. Get some qualifications if you need them.

1. Go for counselling together with your DP and work on your communication skills.

1. Improve your sex life.

1. Get some friends and your own social life without him - take up a sport or hobby, join a club.

1. Once that’s all been running smoothly for a few years, get married.

1. Then have a baby.

No you re not overthinking this at all; its your subconscious telling you that he is Mr Wrong. You have a choice here re this man and you need to look after yourself here because he will not. He's already doing that by both word and deed.

If you stay with him you will further end up feeling miserable and trapped. He will insist the child has his surname and you will continue to have no say in the relationship. Your jobs will consist of all the mental load, housework whilst he sits back and watches you knock yourself out.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You were bullied, your low self worth as a result of all that has affected you markedly and led you also to this man, a man who sensed your low self worth and took full advantage of your youth and lack of life experience. Please look into having some therapy to get to the roots of your lack of self worth and seek such help to overcome this.

Your family do not live with him and he shows them what he wants them to see. You're now really seeing what he is like and he is not at all good for you for all the reasons already stated.

Your late grandad as well would want you to be happy, he would not want you to have this life with Mr Wrong. I sincerely hope you find the courage within you to leave this individual and strike out on your own.