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Original poster

Doesn't want a relationship with me just had his baby?

38 replies

Helpme2033 · 18/04/2020 17:18

So it's more of a rant than anything else. I met this guy through mutual friends I knew he had fancied me for ages so we went on a date hit it off. Things moved quickly, I found out I was pregnant 5 weeks after.

I told him straight away and we decided regardless what happened with us, we would keep the baby because an abortion wasn't on the table. He supported me with this, also we were long distance so that's added into the drama aswell. We saw each other every other weekend and looked forward to meeting the baby. We had the chat very early on we wouldn't sleep with other people etc.

Fast forward I heard him telling his family about the baby, they asked if I was his girlfriend or just his child's mother. He replied just child's mother. I confronted him over this he said he didn't want to rush in a relationship, we would focus on the baby first. That was my first mistake listening to that.

Months passed and we grew closer, we would talk every night, he would send gifts. He would refer to me as his girlfriend etc. We spent valentines together. Basically I had no inkling that we weren't together.

Before the lockdown came about he decided to come and stay with me as the baby was due a few weeks after this. He came to stay and everything was still lovely. I woke up to see him texting other women. He basically said he thought we were both talking to other people, he didn't have feelings for me like that, I said well if after 10 months you don't I doubt you ever will. 2 days later I went into labour, he was there and helped me afterwards but I still noticed a girl keep popping up. He promised me it was nothing and he had learnt his lesson.

He said we could work out the dynamics of our relationship but now he has changed his mind, he said he is free to see whoever he wants, he said he doesn't want to be with me. This is all while still staying in my house and asking for dinner every night. I'm devastated, I didn't think we were perfect but I thought we would maybe work it through. He said he realised months ago he didn't want to be with me but still carried on anyway?? I'm just so sad

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/04/2020 17:23

Oh dear. Congratulations on your baby. Do you have friends or family you lean on, emotionally if not practically at the moment?

Has he gone now?

It seems clear he can’t be relied on so I hope you’re giving the baby your surname and that you’re applying for child support through the CMS. He owes your shared child that money so make sure you get it. What if anything has he said about visiting the baby as you're not going to be together?

unhappyclap · 18/04/2020 17:25

Sorry to hear this, he doesn't sound like the type of man you deserve. I would ask him to leave your house and you should prepare to do this lockdown and raise your baby wihtout being in a reltionship with him, as he has made it clear that he doesn't want to commit to you. Given that you didn't really have time to date/get to know him anyway, I think it's better to move on now. He can still be a father but you dont have to be in a relationship with him, he doesnt sound like a catch.

KellyHall · 18/04/2020 17:26

I'm so sorry for you. He was obviously very confused but has done a really shitty thing. There's no way of knowing whether he meant the things he said when he said them so don't beat yourself up about the past.

Surely he's looking after you now you're looking after a new baby? If not, he can fuck off back where he came from!

RedandBluebox · 18/04/2020 17:28

So you secretly always wanted him to be your partner?
Your post is confusing.

Original poster
Helpme2033 · 18/04/2020 17:31

Yeah I wanted to be together but it wasn't a rush. I thought we were taking our time. Focusing on the baby then relationship after. He's actually left now and gone back home. He said he will come up to visit but I've had to put my foot down because of the baby. It's just really shit

OP posts:
mochizzy · 18/04/2020 17:34

I'm so sorry you're going through this. On top of welcoming a new dc this behaviour is absolutely gutting and not how any man should be treating the mother of his new child.

From the brief relationship you have described, it sounds as though he has been in a constant state of flux. From what I gather this unplanned pregnancy made the pair of you fast forward a relationship but going by his behaviour he is clearly trying to extract himself from that set up. The way he's referred to you, the way he's been regularly texting other women. None of this screamed commitment and I think you said it best yourself when you said he's been using your home to do as he pleases.

My advice would be to stop doing what he wants. Start treating him as the father of your child only otherwise he will continue to walk all over you, trashing your feelings in the process. He's clearly a bit of a rat, but it looks as though you're more than enabling this terrible behaviour.

New change of routine. He comes to yours to see and care for his child. End of. Maybe engage a family member if speaking with him about this is too painful?

You will feel better in time. Focus on your child and the bliss that comes with not dealing with his wishy washy behaviour. You'll dodge a bullet if you can manage the childcare only arrangement sooner rather than later.

Ginger1982 · 18/04/2020 17:34

"Focusing on the baby then relationship after."

This is a bit backwards in my honest opinion. You've had a baby with someone you barely know and it's one of the biggest responsibilities you can have. If I was you I would concentrate on myself and my baby.

ArriettyJones · 18/04/2020 17:35

TBH, it sounds as though it was ambiguous from the start, and mainly focused on the baby.

Mentally draw a line. Sort out child support and contact arrangements (short bursts for a new baby) and move on with your life. Never get pregnant in the first year or two of a relationship again. It’s hard enough being a solo parent to one child.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 18/04/2020 17:35

Well it sounds like he never really wanted a relationship but at the same time was keeping you as an option. Better off without him op, he sounds like a total mind fuck.

SunshineCake · 18/04/2020 17:39

I'm so sorry for you but for anyone else reading this, it is best to know who you are having unprotected sex with as it rarely ends well. Too many people think a relationship or a marriage are a bigger deal than a bloody child.

OP - did you give the baby his surname and have you sorted out maintenance? This is not a decent man and you'd be silly to waste anymore time with or over him.

PumpkinP · 18/04/2020 17:51

Tbh having a baby with someone you've only known 5 weeks was very unlikely to end up being a relationship, yes I know it does happen but I would say that's rare, you don't even know someone after 5 weeks , maybe he tried but realised he just didn't feel that way? I don't think that makes him a bad person,

Lalala205 · 18/04/2020 17:52

I can't get why you're upset but you weren't really hoodwinked here. He was deciding if he wanted a relationship with your or not, as you were with him. He's decided he doesn't and that's his choice. The fact you have a child together is really no reason to be together. Would you really rather he'd stuck around 2-3yrs whilst not actually being in love with you? It's shit but you both just need to concentrate on the baby now.

Lalala205 · 18/04/2020 17:52

*can

CalleighDoodle · 18/04/2020 17:57

Well nobody can change the situation you are now in. You can learn from it though and not rush things in future.

With the here and now, make sure the baby has your surname. Make sure you put a cms claim in immediately.

How far away does he live from you? How is he going to manage contact going forward? Obviously not for the foreseeable. He doesn't get to take a newborn away from the mother.

Cherrychops100 · 18/04/2020 17:57

OP, just know your worth, don't let him take advantage of you again, he seems immature and not very considerate towards your feelings.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 18/04/2020 18:02

Make a claim with CSA (or whatever they’re called), then give him a set time to come to your house to see his baby, maybe 2 or 3 hours in a day.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 18/04/2020 18:04

Oh and DO NOT sleep with him!

1Micem0use · 18/04/2020 18:08

She didnt say shed had unprotected sex. No form of contraception is 100% effective, and not everyone feels that termination is the right choice for them when that happens.
Not to be unkind, but it really gets my goar when people make assumptions

Cherrychops100 · 18/04/2020 18:08

Is baby taking your surname?

Honeyroar · 18/04/2020 18:10

The odds of it working out were low really. A relationship was kind of pushed on you when you got pregnant so early on and decided to keep it. But you’ve got your beautiful daughter, so concentrate on her and making a life for the two of you. Get looking into financial support from him ASAP. It’s upsetting that it’s worked out the way it has, but you will get over him. He was never real anyway.

Original poster
Helpme2033 · 18/04/2020 18:18

But I did say to him. Made it clear that we didn't have to be together. From the beginning. He said he wanted something different

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 18/04/2020 18:26

It must be so hard for you right now Sad From what you have said he tried 3 times to express doubt about having a romantic relationship with you, but he has acted in a way where he has tried to support you before and after the birth.

Try to put your feelings aside (I know that's extremely hard) and focus on what your dc wants from him as a father.

PumpkinP · 18/04/2020 18:27

He tried, at least he didn't do a disappearing act, he probably assumed you wouldn't be see ing others being pregnant anyway a nd he probably didn't date whilst you were pregnant out of respect . The only thing is he should have been honest that he was now dating but statistically this was never going to work out.

MrsBobDylan · 18/04/2020 18:28

Also, you deserve to be with someone who adores you and puts you first. He has shown you he isn't that man. On the up side, you have a gorgeous baby!

AcrobaticCardigan · 18/04/2020 18:42

If he can’t support you and try and make a go of a relationship with you at a time like this, then when can he? He’s shown his true colours that’s for sure. I really feel for you OP. This is a really shit situation to be in. Just concentrate on you and your gorgeous baby. As if he said he thought you were talking to other guys while you were seeing him & pregnant!!! Pretty sure he knows you weren’t.