Doesn't want a relationship with me just had his baby?

[Helpme2033]

So it's more of a rant than anything else. I met this guy through mutual friends I knew he had fancied me for ages so we went on a date hit it off. Things moved quickly, I found out I was pregnant 5 weeks after.

I told him straight away and we decided regardless what happened with us, we would keep the baby because an abortion wasn't on the table. He supported me with this, also we were long distance so that's added into the drama aswell. We saw each other every other weekend and looked forward to meeting the baby. We had the chat very early on we wouldn't sleep with other people etc.

Fast forward I heard him telling his family about the baby, they asked if I was his girlfriend or just his child's mother. He replied just child's mother. I confronted him over this he said he didn't want to rush in a relationship, we would focus on the baby first. That was my first mistake listening to that.

Months passed and we grew closer, we would talk every night, he would send gifts. He would refer to me as his girlfriend etc. We spent valentines together. Basically I had no inkling that we weren't together.

Before the lockdown came about he decided to come and stay with me as the baby was due a few weeks after this. He came to stay and everything was still lovely. I woke up to see him texting other women. He basically said he thought we were both talking to other people, he didn't have feelings for me like that, I said well if after 10 months you don't I doubt you ever will. 2 days later I went into labour, he was there and helped me afterwards but I still noticed a girl keep popping up. He promised me it was nothing and he had learnt his lesson.

He said we could work out the dynamics of our relationship but now he has changed his mind, he said he is free to see whoever he wants, he said he doesn't want to be with me. This is all while still staying in my house and asking for dinner every night. I'm devastated, I didn't think we were perfect but I thought we would maybe work it through. He said he realised months ago he didn't want to be with me but still carried on anyway?? I'm just so sad

@Helpme2033 That’s not the case now though.

Have you registered the baby with your surname?
Have you put in a claim for CMS?

Just go your seperate ways as far as a relationship is concerned. Maybe you thought because he always fancied you there was a future for the 2 of you.

Try and coparent and forget being a couple.

I know to forget about us it will never happen but i wonder how long would he of carried on pretending?

From you’re description it sounds like the main thing you two had going for you was that you were having a baby together - a big thing for sure, but not enough to keep a relationship going if that’s pretty much all there is. As pp have said, both of you should focus first and foremost on just coparenting.

I’d focus on the here and now tbh. You need to focus on your baby, getting support from friends and family if possible, and nailing things down like your baby’s name - registration is closed for now but something to think about once it’s opened again - and child support. Have you applied for child benefit? You can do that now without having to register your baby first.

As upsetting as it must be, this man doesn’t deserve to occupy your thoughts and you don’t really have time to give him too much headspace right now.

I think it's one of thiings. You fell pregnant weeks into a relationship and it seems to me that he wanted to try for the sake of the baby but his heart just wasn't in it. I don't think it necessarily makes him a bad person . He could still be a really good
Dad as well. I'd just focus on the future for you and your baby!

Why wasn't he using a condom?

I don't think he's a bad person. He did the decent thing when you got pregnant and was there with you when it mattered. If he'd run for the hills that would have been different but you can't blame him for not wanting the relationship as well. It must be awkward for you at the moment but can you discuss with him how he sees his relationship with your child panning out? He sounds a decent sort of guy underneath it all so hopefully you will all get through this - enjoy your lovely baby!

Do we know that the state is going to have to pick up the bill??

OP I think initially he thought/hoped that he could make a go of it, but soon realised that it wasn’t there (big clue when he told his family you were his baby’s mother not his girlfriend). I think he tried to do the right thing but just couldn’t. It wasn’t there. He might still turn out to be an ok dad though.

Yikes KittyKattyKate that’s a pretty mean comment. Not everyone could have an abortion, I certainly couldn’t! Please remember the op has just given birth, she doesn’t need to read comments like yours.

I'm really sorry for the situation you find yourself in and congratulations on your beautiful baby!

Although you keep saying he was "pretending" it sounds more like he simply didn't know whether he saw a future with you after 5 weeks of dating. Although he'd fancied you for a long time you were strangers to each other really. Maybe it was just as time went on he realised you just weren't the one for him, as happens all the time in the first 6-12 months of a relationship! I don't really think that makes him an arsehole, although he should absolutely be having regular contact and paying cm, as others have suggested.

Congratulations on your new baby OP. It sounds frustrating that your baby's father isn't looking for a relationship but once you accept that you'll be able to move on. Good luck with everything.