Tell me honestly, what is your marriage like?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

Been together for 10 years, married for 7 and two children aged 5 and 2.

Some days everything feels fine but other days there just seems to be an awkward atmosphere in the house. We are having one of those days today’s.

He’s a great man, supportive of all I want to do, he does his fair share around the house and is wonderful with our two children - but sometimes I just don’t know if he’s happy.

I’m always asking him if he’s okay, but he just tells me he’s fine.

We have days where we just chill out together with the children and it’s fun and we enjoy each other’s company, but then on other days I feel like I’m walking on egg shells and trying to get a smile or sentence out of him is hard work.

If he’s unhappy in the marriage I would rather him just tell me because this constant doubt I have is wearing me down.

I posted a few weeks ago because something just didn’t feel right and now here I am again. Maybe being with each other constantly due to the lockdown is magnifying things, I don’t know.

Is this normal? I don’t know.

Should it still be all excitement and constant kissing and cuddles and fast heart rates when I see him and big smiles when I get a text message off him? I remember when we first met and it used to be like that and stayed that way for many years.

I don’t know, it’s just different now.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about really. I just needed to get it off my chest because I’m feeling a bit down.

I am too scared to talk to anyone in real life in case they tell me how happy they are their marriages, how in love they are with each other, and so my marriage is inevitably over.

I'm happy but it's my second marriage. Me and dh anre still working. We have a lot in common and no little dcs. My youngest lives with us but he's 19.

It must be very stressful living on top of each other with 2 little dcs. Are you getting out for long walks? Doing fun things in house together all 4 of you?

Has your dh always been like this? Or is it a recent thing. He can't go around smiling all the time though tbh he'd look nuts.

Do you think you rely on him too much? What about rl normally do you have friendships and interests outside of marriage?

Do you think you might be being a bit needy OP? I’m being sincere?

Everyone is on top of everyone atm with no break owing to corona. So you’re bound to be having a different experience.

Could you talk to him about how you're feeling?
Strangers can give you advice but we're not in your marriage. Communication is what you need with your husband.

Good. Been together 11 years, married 8 and have 3 children aged 6, 4 and 1. It’s certainly not all fast beating hearts and clandestine kisses, but I wouldn’t expect that at this stage of our lives. We’re generally happy.
It could be that you’re expecting too much, it could be that you’ve maybe checked out and therefore everything seems ‘wrong’ to you... who knows? What does he say when you talk to him about it?
Being together 24/7 is hard. In a way we’re used to it, as DH works from home and I’m a SAHM so we always spend a lot of time together. That has made lockdown slightly easier for us I think. It’s unrealistic to expect someone to be cheerful and upbeat all the time, especially at the moment.

I have lots of friends outside of our marriage and I also work. I also volunteer two days a week and have just applied to university to do further study to get my career going in the direction I want it to.

I can hear him downstairs now playing with the children and it’s constant laughter and giggles, but I’m pretty sure if I went downstairs things would just feel awkward.

We do have days where we enjoy being a family and we have so much fun together, it’s just the other days, where he’s almost silent, that I find unnerving.

Maybe I’m expecting too much.

It’s not a particularly recent thing but I am definitely more aware of it now and it’s making me anxious. Maybe it’s happening more frequently because we are together everyday and as a poster said above, nobody can be happy 24/7.

I have a happy marriage.
Been together 14 yrs. The last 6 yrs have been difficult. Dd2 was a surprise arrival 4 years ago dd1 tragically died 2 months before dd2 was born. I know losing a child can tear couples apart we were lucky that it had the opposite effect and we supported each other through it and as a result we are stronger together.
Although having dh at home is beginning to grate on me🤣 especially when he's started to eat my secret stash of chocolate which he will tell you he doesn't like.

You could well be right about everything or just maybe it is because you are enforced to be together more during this situation and you are noticing everything. Also it is a possibility that your expectations of what marriage should be after several years is unrealistic? Or perhaps you just want more?

I think I understand what you mean but one thing I will say is to talk to DH.

My DH talks when he wants to. He’s a man of few words. I’m like you - is he ok, what’s wrong, maybe when I said x/y/z the other day it upset him - and actually, there’s absolutely nothing wrong.

It’s an old book, but Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus is a good one.

Speak to him about your thought processes and how you’re feeling, and specifically say it isn’t about him fixing or changing anything, it’s so that he’s aware about how you feel.

Marriages go through seasons OP, I don’t think yours is anything to be massively worried about however, you are concerned about it so you must share that concern with your husband to find out where it is coming from and decide what you can both do to alleviate that concern. Bear in mind you may be working to an expectation here based on what you learnt a marriage should be from your own childhood. Also do not underestimate the pressure that corona and young kiddies can do to a relationship. I have similar aged children and their needs, noise and the mess they create has definitely put a strain on us as individuals and as a couple. We try to laugh and poke fun at it in our own private way together to keep sane. My husband is also not particularly chatty Which at times I’ve found very difficult. I’ve learnt to accept that after 20 years together that somedays he isn’t chatty and that such has nothing to do with me. Acceptance of him has actually helped loads and inadvertently made him more open. Could this be similar to you?

It’s definitely not going to be all excitement for most couples who have been together years and have 2 young kids. Maybe your expectations are higher than those of others. I sometimes feel like this though so know what you mean. I get the feeling my DH could take or leave me but adores the kids.

We have days like that. We're quite up and down and bickery and dont always talk much but also have very good times and fun some days.
Don't do anything extreme in lockdown!

My marriage is a happy one, due to both of us being caring, tolerant of each others' foibles and doing interesting things outside our relationship that give us lots to talk about.

However, periodically we go through what I think of as peaks and troughs. During the troughs, we can be quite distant and less affectionate than usual. Or a bit snappy. I don't mind it - I use it as an opportunity to get into my own stuff. They are usually followed by a big catch up and a patch of lots of sex. If they weren't I think it could quickly turn bad.

It concerns me that you feel a bit alienated from your family.

Dh and I have those down days as well but whenever we feel like that, its each other that we turn to. If I'm upset then its dh that helps me through.
We are best friends though. We have been on this lockdown for 5 weeks now and we just honestly love our little family being together.
Have you spoken to your DH about feeling like you always have to check if hes ok?

Do you suffer from general anxiety, OP? I'm just wondering as you said that they were all having fun downstairs but if you go down it'll be awkward. I'm wondering whether it's your anxiety making you think this is whether your dh is actually moody and passive aggressive in some way.

*or whether

Good. Comfortable. Difficult... joys of marriage and young kids. I'm looking forward to when we come out the other side of child rearing.

Then it better be sex and date nights and adventure and also still a little bit boring and comfortable cos that's life.

Happy, stable, comfortable, loved. Sometimes it's hard work as we're very similar so we bicker over silly things and we're usually saying the same thing.

My OH is similar to yours, in that he isn't very good at saying how he's feeling and sometimes I project anxiety thinking "oh he is thinking he's not happy". In reality he's usually thinking about money, our future, the noise his car has been making and what jobs he needs to do when he goes back to work...
Sometimes I think women and myself included think that silence is them thinking bad things? It usually isn't.

Your marriage sounds normal and in lockdown every single feeling is under a microscope.

Suggest he has a night with his friends upstairs on house party with a few beers? And he'll return the favour for you.

Maybe give him some space, dont analyse things too much atm and take him by his actions not his words.

Our marriage is good, we enjoy each other's company very much, laugh a lot together. After 15 years together I still love the way he looks and smells and feels (more now than ever actually). I feel lucky.

We have a great marriage by and large. But everyone has days/periods when they’re feeling really stressed/down. Especially with lockdown it’s hard with young children. We snap occasionally or general act gloomy but we’re patient with each other and don’t take it personally. We’re both finding it a bit difficult at the moment. We both have a lot to get done and we’re both really introverted and really suffering from all the child related noise. We’re doing our best to give each other breaks and also to be kind to ourselves. We’re lucky in that we are so similar, it makes it much easier to empathise with each other. It can be easy to loose sight of individuality in a relationship but ultimately you are a pair of individuals, the vast majority of the time a persons behaviour is more a reflection of themselves/their personality than the things and people around them. That’s why two people in a relationship can act so differently. Is it possible that you are looking at his behaviour and seeing discontent because that is the way you would act if unhappy?

I would agree with @nancyjuice7 my husband sometimes goes quiet or doesn't act like himself however I have found it is very rarely about us as a couple but concerns he has that he often doesn't think he has.

So it will be money worries, his parents or other things. Usually if we sit down and catch up, I'll point out that he's changed but that I want to help him. Usually if we talk long enough we get to the bottom of it. The next day when he is back to his light self is brilliant as it's lifted a weight off his shoulders. There may not be a solution but sharing worries, concerns etc makes things better. Definitely communication is very important!

I would say I have found that I am picking up on it faster due to lockdown. Normally I would leave it longer to resolve it due to work, going out and about but it's definitely speeding up the process. I have been married for nearly 9 years and can't believe that I still have to dig to find out what is wrong but honestly it's worth it for a good partnership. He is loving, kind, patient, hardworking with a big heart.

This is an interesting thread OP. Hope you are ok & have taken something from all the posts. It is strange during lockdown. I really thought DH & I would argue much more than we have & that DD11 would have way more meltdowns. It certainly isn’t a bed of roses but we are benefiting from the enforced time together & learning more about how we tick. It does sound as if you have anxiety, which of course will be exacerbated in times like these. Talk to your DH. Don’t accuse, just sit him down for a chat. You never know, he may have felt vibes from you & wondered what was going on. 💐💐

Honestly? My husband and I are very happy. We’ve been together since high school. We were in the same year group and classes.

25 years on, we are still like loved up teenagers. We are very similar, sharing interests and sense of humour. We are silly, play fight often, laugh daily, enjoy each other’s company and confide in each other about everything. We rarely argue, perhaps once or twice a year...and it’s usually when I’m grumpy anyway (time of month) and it’ll be over the dishes not done or something daft. Usually he can make me smile even then though and it’s all short lived.

Im really enjoying lockdown with him. We both did the same A’levels, then the same degree, the the same post grad and now we have the same job lol! I think he copies me!!
So we get to spend a lot of time together in the evenings, on weekends and during the holidays. We are used to being in each other’s pockets.

When we started to date we were both so young. I stopped seeing my friends and DH stopped seeing his. When we started ‘clubbing’ it was together. We have never really had separate friendship groups or even friends. Neither of us go out without the other. DH has never been on a guys holiday or even a guys night out, other than his relatives stag do...and even then he left the house around 8pm and arrived back home before 10pm. Minus transport he’d been out for about an hour at best. The reason he came home early, he didn’t think it was fun and they were all off to a strip club that he didn’t want to go to. He’s such a sweetheart.

Some people assume our relationship must be stifling. And I guess for some people it definitely would be, particularly if you like your independence and space. We’ve never known anything different, so don’t miss having friends or having our own space.

25 years on, I love my husband so so very much and I know he feels the same. I wake up in his arms every morning and am immensely grateful for our little family.

To anyone in an unhappy relationship I would say that life is too short. It’s usually worth working on the relationship first, many people go through tough times and come out the other side stronger. But if you’re miserable, then generally you deserve better. You get one life. Make decisions to ensure it is a happy one.

I'm an only child and have always needed some time alone. I never feel like that with my child but everyone else I definitely need some space from at times. My husband usually works six days a week so him being here is strange. We are generally getting on pretty well but the other day I went to bed at the same time as my child as I needed some time to myself. Could it be something like that?

Should it still be all excitement and constant kissing and cuddles and fast heart rates when I see him

Constant kissing and raised heart rates in a 10 year relationship and during lock down? I think your expectations are too high, sorry. That's not physically possible and would it even be a good thing? Being together 24/7 your heart would be in danger of stopping at this point and your lips would be worn off

You say you get on fine, I think just take that for now. It's a weird time for everyone, things are bound to be a little awkward at times.

Also it's good to check in with each other if you think something is off, but you can do that too much. Constantly asking him if he is happy is a lot of pressure. Sounds like he is generally happy but, like everyone, has a few blah days, and he should have the space to just experience that without having to put on a big fake smile for you.