People separated from partners in quarantine...how are you coping?

[Flyingplum]

I’ve been ok-ish, but this week I’ve felt so lonely and miserable and am not coping very well. I live alone and am missing my partner like crazy. Video calls and so on have been a nice stop gap, but I’m really missing his physical touch. I keep just bursting into tears and can’t focus on anything.

Is anyone else feeling like this? I know it’s a stupid thing in the scheme of other people’s struggles, but I just can’t shake the sadness.

I've been missing snuggles too, @Flyingplum.

Today is 5 weeks since I saw my DP (or indeed anyone) and I've been through a bit of a rollercoaster over the last week.

Physical touch is a huge part of our biological wiring as humans – hugs in particular stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system (our 'rest and digest' mode) which slows our heartbeat, relaxes our digestive systems and allows us to process emotion more fully.

So in potentially anxious times like this, it makes perfect sense that you're feeling sad and tearful and panicky.

In biological terms, you can replace some of that for yourself – a few deep breaths switches on that side of your systems, as does singing some low notes (the vibrations stimulate your vagus nerve, which has the same effect. It's why a good Om is so popular in yoga circles!). It's not the same, and of course you miss him, but you can at least ease some of the sharp edges of how you're feeling for yourself.

I'm trying to use this time to develop more of a relationship with myself – literally imagining I'm another person I need and want to take care of, and doing things to make that person feel good. I know that doing that work in this time, however small, will also make it even sweeter for both of us when we reunite. Am trying to think of it as a gift for him as much as for me.

I’ll be honest here - I’ve been seeing him anyway.

I know I’ll get shouted down for this, so have N/C for this post, but when I first heard it could be 12 weeks of isolation etc and that we were still able to go to shops and go to work if we couldn’t work from home, I decided that I wasn’t going to be without him for 12 weeks, when we could both legitimately be seeing each other at the shop or at work. We’re both working from home as it happens, so no contact with the outside world except shopping.

When we were advised that couples should move in together for lockdown I considered it, but he has 3 DCs and so do I, both the primary parent, so we can’t live together anyway, due to needing such a big house! Cramming 8 of us into a 4 bed house for weeks on end makes no sense, as his DCs would still see their mum and we’d all just see each other, so nobody would be any better off.

When his DCs are with their mum once a week, he comes over to mine and we spend a night together. It’s keeping us both sane and happy, gives my DCs the chance to see him, as they don’t see their own dad, and it means his ex can hang out with his DCs at their house without him there.

I don’t see why the alternative (him spending time with his ex and not me - and my kids spending time with their dad and not him) would be acceptable when our arrangement isn’t.

So anyone who doesn’t like it can fuck off! We’ve been together 8 years and are just as committed as a married couple would be, we just maintain two homes for the sake of our respective DCs so that they can have their own space near their schools/friends.

Really bad for me this week too. I can’t bear FaceTime as it just reminds me of his loveliness. He visits me at work most days, even if it’s just to wave. But I don’t think that is helping any

And we think his DCs’ mum had already had CV so of course he and the DCs stayed away from her for 2 weeks and I stayed away from him for an extra week after that, just in case.

He visits me at work most days, even if it’s just to wave. But I don’t think that is helping any

I agree it doesn’t always help. When we were first locked down DP ordered from my company (when I was still working) so that I could deliver to him. It was nice to see him from a distance but it just felt like we’d had an argument as we couldn’t hug or kiss etc.

I haven’t seen my partner for six weeks now and as it’s looking likely that the vulnerable are going to be in lockdown until a vaccine is found, as someone with a serious heart condition I don’t anticipate seeing him until next year at the earliest.

I have my teenager here at least and I am grateful for that, but I think it was last night that it hit me that I’m alone with no adult company for the foreseeable future.

PS: he lives 120 miles away for logistical reasons so moving in together was never an option.

Yeh I'm struggling too. He's been doing my shopping so I've seen him once a week but from a distance. He lives with an elderly vulnerable parent otherwise I think I'd be more relaxed about it. We are both being very careful with our contacts so I think we pose minimum risk to each other.
We speak everyday. Have a number of virtual activities we do together but we miss the physical presence of the other.
I have two teens who would not want him here over lockdown, sadly.

To the PP who is seeing her partner do you not worry about the increased chance of infection by widening each other's circles? And have the neighbours been ok?

I worry if about ever being able to see each other properly given the virus isn't going anywhere and his parent will remain vulnerable.

It's really hard. Last saw him early March. We are in different cities but have been together for over three years. I miss my weekends with him. I miss getting a cuddle or just having another adult around. If it wasn't for the kids I'd see no one most days. Like others hes needed where he is because his mum is elderly otherwise he would have moved in maybe. If he was closer I can't say I wouldn't have tried to see him. It's difficult to cope on your own with kids and working from home.

To the PP who is seeing her partner do you not worry about the increased chance of infection by widening each other's circles? And have the neighbours been ok?

We’ve talked about the risk, and to start with he was more worried about it than me - I was taking the view that if we’re all likely to get it at some point anyway, neither of us (nor any of the DCs) have any known health conditions and we’re not seeing anyone through work etc then we’re lower risk than many people, so as I said - if my DCs were seeing their dad at the moment (he lives abroad but is a key worker, not medical frontline but still needed) they’d be much more exposed, but it would be deemed safe and necessary. As it is, they see more of my DP on a regular basis than their dad anyway, and miss him as much as I do! So in my mind, I’m replacing DP with XH and the whole situation is lower risk and higher reward than the ‘correct’ procedure. FWIW the first time we got together was because I’d discovered a lump and was lucky to get a hospital referral the next week. He didn’t want me to go through that alone. Thankfully it was just a cyst, but it was the push we both needed to say “fuck this, we’re not doing anything wrong” - If we’d taken the choice to move in together last year and stretched ourselves with a huge mortgage we could legitimately be together right now, with no more or less interaction with anyone else, but because we made the sensible decision for our finances and our DCs we’re being punished.

I’m friendly with some of my neighbours and I know they won’t be judging as they know how long we’ve been a couple and how often he spends time here usually. There are a couple of neighbours who might say something, but I keep myself to myself and am hoping they don’t see him coming and going. Sounds like the official line is to sort these things out between yourselves and not involve police etc so hopefully it’s fine.

The stupid thing is, if he stayed here 6 nights a week and visited his DCs one night that would be fine. But staying with them 6 nights a week and visiting me one night apparently isn’t.

If he was closer I can't say I wouldn't have tried to see him. It's difficult to cope on your own with kids and working from home

Exactly. I’ve found it harder than when he’s away on business for weeks at a time, because at least when he’s abroad I know I can’t see him. Having him 20 minutes away and not being able to see each other is torture!

I know I’m setting a bad example here and I thank those of you who’ve read my posts for not being cantankerous about it! I’ll leave this here because I don’t want the thread to become dominated by my situation. Hope you all get to see your loved ones soon.

I am in the same boat: haven’t seen my bf for six weeks. We video chat every day and message a lot and it’s been ok - I miss him a lot but as long as I know he’s thinking about me and we are in touch it’s manageable.

I actually think it’s going to get harder after lockdown “lifts” because it’s not going to completely lift and some social distancing is going to be in place for months.

I don’t really want my boyfriend living here; have a 9 year old DD and it’s all too much too soon. But he lives in a shared house and can’t really isolate so we will have to be very careful about him staying here: so it may come to a crunch point quite soon if we want to stay together. Don’t really know what the answer is. It’s tough.

I’m really struggling.

My partner moved 300 miles away the week before lockdown started to care for a terminally ill relative. Initially she was planning to be up a couple of days a week for work and would stay the odd weekend and I would come visit etc.

Then this got worse and we realised that as I am a key worker, coming into close physical contact with members of the public (many of which will not be adhering to social distancing), it’s too risky with her terminally ill relative for us to see each other.

That combined with lockdown, not seeing my friends and now spending a month off work ‘on call’ is absolutely destroying my mental health and I’m struggling to be as supportive of her as I want to be.

It's really tough good days and bad days but it has to be done if we want to beat this thing. Today is a bad day for me hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm not going to judge anyone for breaking but if we all had the same attitude we will be locked down for a lot more.

It's not easy. My place is 3x the size of dps so the logical place to be but he can walk to work from his (key worker) whereas I can work from home, and have dcs so it's neither practical for him to come here, nor for me to go there for the duration.

He was on leave for the first 2.5 weeks of lockdown so stayed with me before going back to his for work last week. He will need to stay there now even though there's no wider household and he doesn't need to come into contact with colleagues so technically we wouldn't be mixing anyone, it's still unnecessary travel.

This is the first weekend I can ever remember where we've both been home at our own places.

TBH I think it’s going to be harder once we come out of lockdown because some people won’t be in lockdown while others have to stay there for the foreseeable.

We talk several times a day as well and I am not in the least insecure but I have wondered whether it’s unfair of me to expect him to stick around knowing that he might not see me for months and potentially years.

@ladybee28 I love your post - so wise and interesting.

Thanks @ladybee28 - I am trying to do these things (or similar) but I’m finding they’re falling short these days. I’ve done LDRs before, the longest total separation from my ex was 3 months, and I thought I’d be fine. But I think it’s the lack of my partner plus not having anyone else I can hang out with that’s really getting to me now. If I knew it was just for a couple more weeks I could probably cope, but I know right realistically we’re looking at the end of May, maybe longer. That’s so long on my own, I really don’t know if I can cope.

He wants to come and stay for a week because I’ve said too much and for him really worried about me, and I know we shouldn’t do that, but it’s really hard to say no. So now I’m just sad about that and avoiding his calls because I don’t want to have the conversation.

@Flyingplum it's really not the same – and I hope my post didn't come across as if it is.

Is he isolating alone too?

My DP's saying similar - our lockdown is likely to be extended until mid-May at least and he wants to find a way to regroup, given that we've both been isolating separately.

Tricky because DSS is with him 1 week on, 1 off, and DSS's mother's house has vulnerable people in it, but it may not be the same for you.

Your mental health really does matter – if you need to take care of it by bending 'the rules' (within the bounds of common sense), it's worth considering.

Sending a (largely useless but well-meant) virtual hug

No, he isn’t and that’s part of the problem. He’s a teacher so still at work a few days a week and lives in a shared house. We’ve just spent the last 90mins giving ourselves a bit of a shake, telling ourselves we’re special, abs talking ourselves out of it.

I think while it was just a possibility, that kind of kept me going. Now we’ve taken it off the table I just feel miserable again.

But I have my health, and still have a job, and enough food in the house. I need to stop being such an idiot. There are bigger things going on right now.

I am struggling and see a few familiar faces from an LDR thread. .

My boyfriend is in lockdown in Madrid and has lost his job. I am overseas and my country is in full lockdown for non cotizens.

And my completely self reliant and capable boyfriend hates the phone. Usually fine as we are both independent. But i am breaking. But it is me who has changed and become needy, so am trying to suck it up.

that previous message should have said 'telling ourselves we're not special'. I'm feeling a bit better today, but i'm finding this so much harder than I thought I would. And the sadder I get, the more I miss him, because it feels like the only thing which would make it better is a hug from him. I think it's maybe the uncertainty too - if i knew it was just for another few weeks, I'd find it hard, but would have something to look forward to, and days to tick off. It's the feeling that this could be until and beyond June and who knows how long for that's difficult, in part, i think.

I think when we have a second lockdown (which, let's be honest, we will, because as soon as they lift these rules everyone will just go mental seeing people, rather than being cautious) i will have to rethink what i do. because of our jobs it just wasn't practical to live with each other this time, we both needed to be in our respective cities, but in the school holidays things might be different. I don't think I can face this again. It's like torture.

I really miss the sex.

It's hard, we message a lot but I really miss actually seeing him and touching him. I did think about breaking the rules, but we've both got kids so I worry about exposing them to anything, although we're both working from home. I was gutted when lockdown was extended, I didn't really expect it to be lifted but still.

God yes category12!

I'm struggling loads today. Had a disagreement last night with DP who is isolating seperately. He needs space and I need to talk. All just feels utter crappy. I miss his hugs, his kisses, and just being with him.