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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I controlling or is he being disrespectful?

28 replies

MountainFan · 18/04/2020 08:12

I’ve been seeing a guy for about a year. He is fantastic: super smart, affectionate, witty, gorgeous and with a great sense of humour.

When we started seeing each other, he had just come out of a very long marriage and for that reason he hasn’t wanted to tell people that we are seeing each other until things are a bit more serious. He claims to be 100% loyal, doesn’t want anyone else, but just that he isn’t ready to tell people. Obviously this makes me feel quite crappy, but I accept that he has kids and an ex-wife and as yet does not want to rock the boat.

A couple of months ago, he told me that another woman had expressed interest in him, upon finding out he was now divorced. After some prodding, I discovered that this woman was one he had had a fling with a few years ago (during his marriage), lives in the same city as him (we are long distance atm) and who he currently has contact with several times a week. He claims that she writes to him and he just responds with neutral emojis, but I find it hard to believe that any woman after hearing that he is not interested, would keep writing that often if he was not responding. We had an argument about it and I told him that he was crossing a boundary by continuing to write to her and that I felt really disrespected by it. He thinks that I am trying to control him and put limits on who he can have friendships with. In his argument, he mentioned that he has slept with many of his female “best friends” in the past and talks to them all the time and that these friendships are different and that he would never go there because he loves me. He thinks I should trust him and not demand that he stops talking to this specific woman.

I never actually demanded that, I told him how it made me feel and said that it was crossing a boundary for me. It feels a bit like he is leaving a door open with her, of course she has no idea that he has a partner and I think it suits him to be seen as single so that he can keep on with these types of conversations.

I have been cheated on in the past so I never know if this clouds my view as I am hyper-sensitive to that happening again. I don’t know if I am being ridiculous and controlling by feeling so threatened by the whole situation. I don’t want it to end, I am totally in love with him, but I am starting to feel paranoid about everything, have been checking up on who he likes on instagram, etc, and worrying about every female friend. The distance at the moment doesn’t help.. in person he is loving and I have always felt inclined to trust him but now I feel like he is keeping his options open and it really hurts. We have had a few minor issues along this line in the past and he has always taken my feelings on board, but he is being very insistent this time that it is me being very unreasonable.

Surely if he was serious about us and she was an unimportant as he keeps insisting, he would just ask her to stop writing or tell he is not single and that would be the end of it. Is that a totally unrealistic expectation?

Feeling confused and disrespected enough by the whole situation to just walk away but so sad to lose something that has also brought a lot of happiness..

OP posts:

Sux2buthen · 18/04/2020 08:13

Run don't walk...from THE KNOB

Soontobe60 · 18/04/2020 08:14

How long distance is your relationship? How often do you see each other?

TwilightPeace · 18/04/2020 08:17

He sounds like a player. How many affairs did he have?

It sounds like being with someone like him will turn you into an anxious wreck.
Wouldn’t you rather be with someone you can fully trust? Someone who is capable of commitment?

conduitoffortune · 18/04/2020 08:19

There is no way that you should stay in a relationship with this man. He is clearly a serial philanderer. He sounds like a hormone fuelled 18 year old with all his sleeping around with every woman he knows, 'sliding into DM's' and 'liking' Instagram pictures or whatever. And he's pretending to be single so he doesn't risk losing a percentage of female attention. He's even admitted to you that he cheated on his wife with one of these women. What makes you think he wouldn't cheat on you? I know that it would be easier for you to decide that you are being too hyper vigilant, that the problem is you being insecure because of your previous experiences, but actually your boundaries are not strong enough. End it with him, or he will waste another few years of your life making you unhappy.

Original poster

MountainFan · 18/04/2020 08:19

@Soontobe60 we live an hours' flight away (same country). Both of us travel a lot for work so we usually see each other every 2 weeks, sometimes more often. Annual holidays and then corona mean that we have barely seen each other since beginning of February though.

OP posts:

balonzz · 18/04/2020 08:21

I used to be married with someone who couldn't help flirting (and more) with every/any woman all the time. It made me feel like you're feeling now and it never got any better.
It is such a relief now not to feel all those hurtful feelings any more. I think this relationship you have isn't going to be any good for you.

LiddyJim · 18/04/2020 08:23

I am sorry but you need to listen to your gut instinct. I may never know the truth about what happened, why he treated me that way or if there was cheating but the fact I did not trust my ex and he turned it around to blame me as your ex is doing is enough for the trust to be gone anyway and he is disrespectful to you.

Once you begin to obsess and check on someone like this there is no going back and it will only get worse for you. The fact he hides you tells you enough as well. My ex suddenly began to hide his online activities from me and I felt something was wrong. He would also disappear for hours saying he was ill. Because I knew I didn’t trust him it would lead me to checking him online obsessively and I made myself quite ill and gave him an excuse to treat me even more badly because he could label me as controlling and insecure. People generally do not suddenly become insecure for no reason at all if you are otherwise normally confident and non jealous person this is your instinct telling you something is wrong.

Confronting a man like this also never seems to work either. The only thing I could do was walk away and when I did it showed me his true feelings as he was even more disrespectful, he was not bothered by it and I have had to accept I was a stop gap woman who was good for sex but without sex there was nothing genuine there.

You will feel better when you take back control of your own life.

Patch23042 · 18/04/2020 08:24

This woman is interested in him and he’s leading her on. He could easily have dropped into the conversation that he’s seeing someone but that he hasn’t publicised it yet because of his ex wife, but he did not.

He sounds like a player. Keeping his options open.

MashedSpud · 18/04/2020 08:24

He couldn’t keep it in his pants during his marriage so why do you think he would for a long distance relationship.....one he’s keeping secret.

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/04/2020 08:24

So he wants to keep you a secret even after a year, you know he had an affair during his marriage, he tells you about all the female friends he's previously fucked. Can you not see that this creep is so far away from healthy relationship material it's beyond red flag time?

Take your blinkers off. He is not super-smart, witty and affectionate. He is a classic A-grade self-centered prick with a bit of basic charm.

Soontobe60 · 18/04/2020 08:25

In that case I think he sees you as a casual thing rather than something serious. Time to cut and run.

Thankful2020 · 18/04/2020 08:26

OP, cut your losses. This man is bad news.

LizzieSiddal · 18/04/2020 08:26

He won’t tell people you’re in a relationship after a year? That’s a big red flag without all the texting and shagging of “friends.”

Get rid of him, it’s not worth all the drama and worry. You deserve better.

TheRealCaroleBaskin · 18/04/2020 08:27

I'd take this opportunity to end the relationship with him. Just tell him you no longer see it working then cut contact. He's a player.

category12 · 18/04/2020 08:29

It's not great, is it?

How do you know about his contact with this woman? It's possible he's a guy who likes his women insecure so creates drama triangles.

Honestly, it's too much hard work. You can't trust him really, can you? And without that, you've got nothing worth having.

funnylittlefloozie · 18/04/2020 08:31

What they all said. Look at this year you've spent with him as a bit of no-strings fun thats made you happy, but now its time to move on to a proper grown-up relationship with someone who doesnt want to keep you at arms length.

mummmy2017 · 18/04/2020 08:32

Your a booty call.
I think one of many.
This guy is a player.
Your deserve a relationship, with someone, not to just be a date in his diary

LiddyJim · 18/04/2020 08:32

I have actually realised now that it takes a different kind of person to be loving supportive and caring to you from a far. It is so easy to be loving and caring in person when all you have to do is hug them, kiss them and then have sex with them. It doesn’t mean anything. It does not sound like he can be bothered or wants to show any loving action from afar except make you paranoid and insecure about other women to the point where you are feeling this way.
He’s just trying to set out what he wants from you and this relationship without meeting any of your needs or caring about what you want.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 18/04/2020 08:32

You found the reason his exwife divorced him. He's a player who likes to keep his options open.

user1468953505 · 18/04/2020 08:35

I'm so sorry but you need to end it with him. He's asking you to trust him but he's not given you any reason to do so. You aren't an official couple so what he's expecting of you is too much.

I'm really sorry. Its so hard to break it off with someone you love but you do deserve better.

Original poster

MountainFan · 18/04/2020 09:47

Thanks so much for all your comments. I think I knew deep down that I was not crazy and was not being treated right but it helps to have advice from neutral sources. Really appreciate it.
I'm going to end things and work on my boundaries so that they become totally wanker-proof.

OP posts:

HollyBollyBooBoo · 18/04/2020 09:49

I think he wants a period of playing the field having come out of a long marriage.

I wouldn't assume you can have a serious committed relationship with him.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 18/04/2020 09:53

It feels a bit like he is leaving a door open with her, of course she has no idea that he has a partner and I think it suits him to be seen as single so that he can keep on with these types of conversations

It feels that way because that's exactly how it is. Run and never look back!

GilbertMarkham · 18/04/2020 10:22

I think he wants a period of playing the field having come out of a long marriage.

Sounds like he was playing the field during his long marriage anyway!

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2020 10:24

And he's told you about her to keep you off-balance.

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