I’ve been seeing a guy for about a year. He is fantastic: super smart, affectionate, witty, gorgeous and with a great sense of humour.
When we started seeing each other, he had just come out of a very long marriage and for that reason he hasn’t wanted to tell people that we are seeing each other until things are a bit more serious. He claims to be 100% loyal, doesn’t want anyone else, but just that he isn’t ready to tell people. Obviously this makes me feel quite crappy, but I accept that he has kids and an ex-wife and as yet does not want to rock the boat.
A couple of months ago, he told me that another woman had expressed interest in him, upon finding out he was now divorced. After some prodding, I discovered that this woman was one he had had a fling with a few years ago (during his marriage), lives in the same city as him (we are long distance atm) and who he currently has contact with several times a week. He claims that she writes to him and he just responds with neutral emojis, but I find it hard to believe that any woman after hearing that he is not interested, would keep writing that often if he was not responding. We had an argument about it and I told him that he was crossing a boundary by continuing to write to her and that I felt really disrespected by it. He thinks that I am trying to control him and put limits on who he can have friendships with. In his argument, he mentioned that he has slept with many of his female “best friends” in the past and talks to them all the time and that these friendships are different and that he would never go there because he loves me. He thinks I should trust him and not demand that he stops talking to this specific woman.
I never actually demanded that, I told him how it made me feel and said that it was crossing a boundary for me. It feels a bit like he is leaving a door open with her, of course she has no idea that he has a partner and I think it suits him to be seen as single so that he can keep on with these types of conversations.
I have been cheated on in the past so I never know if this clouds my view as I am hyper-sensitive to that happening again. I don’t know if I am being ridiculous and controlling by feeling so threatened by the whole situation. I don’t want it to end, I am totally in love with him, but I am starting to feel paranoid about everything, have been checking up on who he likes on instagram, etc, and worrying about every female friend. The distance at the moment doesn’t help.. in person he is loving and I have always felt inclined to trust him but now I feel like he is keeping his options open and it really hurts. We have had a few minor issues along this line in the past and he has always taken my feelings on board, but he is being very insistent this time that it is me being very unreasonable.
Surely if he was serious about us and she was an unimportant as he keeps insisting, he would just ask her to stop writing or tell he is not single and that would be the end of it. Is that a totally unrealistic expectation?
Feeling confused and disrespected enough by the whole situation to just walk away but so sad to lose something that has also brought a lot of happiness..