Hi MN,
I am looking for some advice regarding my best friend.
I met my her at uni 10 years ago now and we so were close for many years. As we’ve got older, life has changed as it does, and we now both have partners, responsible jobs and mortgages! Oh to have no worries eh! I understand that friendships change as you grow up but there have been things that I have found quite upsetting recently and I’ve seen her change a lot.
I feel I am no longer a prioritised friendship of hers. I don’t know whether she had changed or as I’ve got older I have now seen the traits in her that I couldn’t before, but she has become what I can only describe as snobby and judgemental. Her friendships and conversations circle money and she has become very materialistic. Her conversations with me are now very much about those friends, what other people have, are doing, are travelling to, how much it all cost and what they were wearing. Genuine conversation about me or life, ideas, plans, just don’t happen anymore. She thinks of herself as a class above and I don’t think she sees me as being in the same league at all, which is very sad. I try not to let it get to me but I am having a pretty shitty day and really I really needed the opportunity for me to put everything down in writing and get it off my chest.
Last year, I made countless attempts to arrange to meet up. We did go out for a drink once, everything else she either cancelled, didn’t respond to me or ended up popping in for a cup of tea because she says she can’t afford to go for food or do something else. She then posts photos of her “brunching” with friends that same weekend. When she does come over, she looks around my house which makes me feel quite uncomfortable. She asks me where everything is from and then says “I’M going to have ‘this’ in my house” and “I’M going to have ‘that’” (like I want a golden ticket!) which makes me feel that everything she has will be so much better** than me, so much better. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve realised how nasty that is. She can be quite passive aggressive about it and will laugh off a snide comment but it resonates. A friend should t do that to you, surely? After nosing around every inch of my house, she then stages photographs of her cup of tea by my fireplace to post online!
The once we did go out for a drink in 2019, I was really shocked by how she acted. We had planned to go out and meet an old friend from uni who only I had really kept in close contact with. This friend was mad when we were in uni and was always up for a laugh. My (best) friend was very stand off ish towards her and said to me that she couldn’t be around someone like that because she would lose her job. Another example of her superiority because despite all three of us having responsible jobs, hers was the one that would be lost. I did say that we were all ten years older and she wasn’t going to cause any trouble and she never had before. Within the hour, a group of her friends came to the rescue to whisk her off to a better cocktail bar. I couldn’t believe how she had been towards her.
She is very particular about her instagram. The photos must be the right light, shades position, quality etc to go on there. All photos of me that were once there don’t now make the cut and have been deleted. This is where social media is dangerous but I obviously found myself thinking that she didn’t want any photographs of me on there. I’m like a ghost of the past. It is now very much filled with her new best friend - who is absolutely lovely, I’ve only met her once but really liked her. They share interests, have the same job so I think they bond in that sense. She has often said how close they are, that they speak every day (she may not reply to me for weeks on end) and that she feels like a sister to her. I don’t know whether she’s trying to hint that we aren’t that close perhaps. She is from a very wealthy family.
She recently forgot my birthday. We usually send each other a card and then we would text or call on the day to wish each other a happy birthday. I had nothing and after ten years of having and giving cards for every occasion, sometimes even for no occasion, just because, I was a little upset. To watch how she is with others really makes me feel that I’m not thought of anymore.
I recently got engaged and was totally over the moon in a bubble of happiness! Shortly after the engagement she pumped me about when the wedding would be as one of her other friends, who she is not close with, was getting married abroad in August next year and she may not be able to afford my hen party/wedding if it is the same time. I was flabbergasted. I originally wanted her to be my bridesmaid but I now worry that I would only be honouring the length of our friendship and I may end up upset during the special times of planning and celebrating.
After the engagement, I asked if she’d like to go for a drink. She said yes and I booked us a table in a cocktail bar (because I know that’s what she would like). I got ready to go out and left my house to meet her when she text me to say she had period pains and wouldn’t be going.
I feel we are on totally different pages. I really feel like I’m not good enough anymore. It’s a two way street and I feel like my efforts are wasted. I’m writing this after another upsetting message from her this morning thanking me for sending flowers (I sent them as she is a front line worker) and telling me to get a refund because they were wilted. I feel whatever I do won’t be good enough. I don’t live in as posh an area, have the most expensive car or home, or have the designer gear... but nor do I need it to be happy. That doesn’t sustain a friendship.
Ideally I’d like to sit down with her and talk about our friendship and where it goes from here but that will have to wait until post lockdown. I really needed to have a space to write all of this down after being upset again and I’m hoping for some advice and support about where to go from here 😢
Is this a friendship I need to move on from?