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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me leave my fiancé :(

34 replies

salsadipp · 16/04/2020 22:26

I've been in my relationship for 4 years, engaged for 6 months now, due to move into our place in two weeks.

I've not been happy for a long time now, he is emotionally abusive as I've discovered over the past 6 months with the help of my counsellor. I'm not happy. I want to get out of this relationship. But I'm absolutely terrified to do it.

For some reason even though he's destroying me, I can't help but want to hold on to him because my heart has so much love for him. But as my counsellor has helped me see, it's because he is very manipulative and has created this way in my head that I need him in my life.

Every day for the past two weeks I reach a point where I'm ready to call him and end it. I wake up in the morning and say today is the day. But I can never do it. I break down, so scared to do it,every day. It's becoming exhausting in my brain, I just need to get a grip and do it.

Please offer some words to help me just do it! He's expecting me to call him at 11 as we always do before bed. I want to do it then but I know I'll back down :( please help me

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/04/2020 22:30

It's really good that you aren't living with him.

What you have to realise is that this isn't love. It really isn't. You can't love someone who's so bad for you. He's very manipulative and you are frightened of him. That's not love.

Could you send a message tonight saying you have a terrible headache and need to try to sleep? It could buy you some time.

I think it's useful to create a two column list with all the good things about the relationship on one side and all the bad things on the other. You will be amazed how the bad side outweighs the other and how important it is that the bad things aren't in your life.

Therebythedoor · 16/04/2020 22:34

The thing is you know that it will not improve and likely will get worse once you have moved in together. I'd urge you to be brave and just say it.

But, more importantly, have you told anyone else in real life (family or a friend) that you are in this situation? Having someone who knows the situation and who will support you and back you up and confirm you are doing the right thing, is invaluable.

It is hard to confront an abuser. There is the fear that they will ramp things up in their anger and that unknown makes us put off doing what we need to do.

Quitthat · 16/04/2020 22:35

I broke off an engagement. It took me months to bring myself to do it. Similar to you, I could see it wasn't right or healthy and I knew I had to end it, but the fear of actually doing it was crippling.

One day I just did it. Just said it. Handed over my ring and walked away from the conversation. I did it in person but in a public place, though the excuse of lockdown would probably have helped me, so having the excuse to do it by phone might be good for you as you can hang up if he gets abusive.

I kept it as short and factual as possible. "This isn't what either of us wanted to happen to our engagement, but it had become clear to me that this is not going to work out long term, and as such I need to end our relationship now before it gets further and more complicated". No going into details, no deep explanation of past hurts etc, just state it's not working and is over.

Then at a later date, if he asks why in an email or text message or whatever, you can write a more detailed reply, still being firm in your decision.

Honestly the anticipation of ending it was the worst part. Once it was done, it felt surreal for a day, then SO SO liberating. I felt so free afterwards. It was amazing. I hadn't realised til then the weight it was, bearing down on me.

Please do it. Tonight, or soon, but do do it. You'll thank yourself in the weeks, months and years to come. The pain and sadness and confusion don't last forever.

Good luck Flowers

Chestnut23 · 16/04/2020 22:36

I think it is a good idea to postpone the call tonight. I'd take some time tomorrow to jot down what you want to say, and have your notes to hand when you call. You owe him a reason but you don't need to tell him everything on your mind. I'd also not call.at 11pm that night as you will be up all night on the phone/not sleep well afterwards. Good luck! Just think how free and relieved you'll feel after it's done x

Therebythedoor · 16/04/2020 22:37

If you do have support or can tell someone you can have support available to hold your hand and help you move forward. I think I would get this support onside if the thought of telling him is too hard to face.

ChuckleBuckles · 16/04/2020 22:40

I agree that you need support from a friend or family member in real life, does anyone else know what is going on?

Please also remember that the easiest way for an abuser to bind you to them is for them to make you scared of what is outside of life with them, to make you believe that nobody else will love you like they do, that you cannot be happy without them.

That is why you have confusion about knowing you have to end things but not being able to. He has create this confusion in you to bind you to him. You deserve a life free from this manipulation and to be happy. Ask your counsellor for advice on how to get through that initial phone call, note down any phrases you need to use and have them to hand for the call. Have some phrases to hand and repeat, repeat and repeat again, do not allow him to talk you around or doubt your reasons for not wanting to share your life with him further.

Original poster
salsadipp · 16/04/2020 22:45

Thank you for the messages. I will leave the call tonight so I can think about what to do, I'll maybe aim to end it after lunch tomorrow so I have the morning to prepare. I live with my cousin, she is aware of the way he treats me and knows I am not happy and want to end things. She's tried to help me but in the end, it's me who needs to end it, and I always back out after feeling so ready to do itBlush

OP posts:
DameFanny · 16/04/2020 22:54

It's you that needs to end it yes, but if your cousin was happy to do so, she could have an initial conversation for you? If you're worried he'll get in your head and stop you saying what you need to say, you could write things down. Or start the conversation and when he kicks off pass the phone to your cousin?

There are no rules, just an outcome to work towards where you're free of him and safe. Good luck.

Davespecifico · 16/04/2020 22:59

Are you in danger from him if you end it?

Miraclescometrue · 16/04/2020 23:04

Can you write down what you want to say before you make the call?

Original poster
salsadipp · 16/04/2020 23:06

Unfortunately my cousin isn't the really the best person with situations like this as she deals with issues of her own, she does try her hardest.

@Davespecifico he hasn't ever been physically abusive, so going from that id say no, but he is very violent with everyone else. I left him when we were only a year in for 3 months and he wasnt any harm to me. But then he always thought in his head that I'd come crawling back eventually, which I didHmm. I'm not sure what he'd do if he knew I had left for good.

OP posts:
TheStuffedPenguin · 16/04/2020 23:13

How did he react you you not calling him at 11 as you always do ?

Samtsirch · 16/04/2020 23:26

@salsadipp
Hé is very violent with every one else?

Original poster
salsadipp · 16/04/2020 23:28

@TheStuffedPenguin I have bad anxiety which I've dealt with for years , so I just told him I'm having a really bad evening with it and need to go straight to sleep. He seems concerned and worried, a little confused as to why I can't just say goodnight on phone, but has been respectful and wished me goodnight

OP posts:
Original poster
salsadipp · 16/04/2020 23:34

@Samtsirch not literally everyone. I mean anyone that crosses him, he would get in a fight very easily with people at the pub. Or for instance he threw a ticket man on the train across the seats because he tried to charge him for not having a train ticket (he did this when we broke up a few years ago, he hasn't been this bad whilst we've been together). He has a bad temper and is very defensive of himself :/

OP posts:
rvby · 16/04/2020 23:38

How is he "very violent" with other people? Can you give an example?

Samtsirch · 16/04/2020 23:44

@salsadipp
So don’t cross him
Stay as far away as you possibly can.
You have just posted the words to me about the things that he has done.
So you know.

Thatnameistaken · 17/04/2020 07:14

If he threatens you or comes round to see you and you are frightened, call the police.
You need to draw a line under this before you move in with him and it becomes a hundred times harder to get out.

LiddyJim · 17/04/2020 08:01

Hi
I have just broken up with someone who I realised was emotionally abusing me after I started counselling. I also have anxiety and he was causing most of it. I waited for the right opportunity to do it to prove to myself it was the right thing to do. I think I am now rid of him so I was going to give you advice on what to do I hope it helps you.

I wrote out a very long text over and over and got my friends opinion on it. In the end I took out everything that was emotional and how I was feeling so that he could not use any of it against me. It said I had chosen not to carry on the relationship anymore for my own reasons I did not want to discuss it or argue about it and then all the practical instructions about returning money and possessions. I did not wish him the best I did not tell him how I felt or accuse him of anything. I cannot tell you how relieved I felt once I had sent it to him like a hundred bags of sand lifted off me. I then deleted all traces of him from my whole life and left his possessions on his doorstep. If he know you are serious about it and you stick to it you can do it. Your friends will help you. Delete his number afterwards immediately so you are not tempted to contact him again. When he has contacted me about my possessions I have just been cold back to him. Once you are no longer available to abuse he can’t abuse you anymore.

I have been sad angry anxious depressed all of the feelings but I feel so much better every day that goes by and so will you once he has gone. Good luck

Davespecifico · 17/04/2020 08:06

He has potential to be violent towards you. I would make sure you’re not in a vulnerable position when you leave him.

Original poster
salsadipp · 17/04/2020 13:37

@LiddyJim thanks for the experience, I've arranged to call him at 4. So I'll do it then Blush

OP posts:
DameFanny · 17/04/2020 16:30

Just seen this - how did it go? Fingers crossed you said what you needed to

BackseatCookers · 17/04/2020 16:54

Thinking of you Thanks

See this time as a blessing - it will never be easier to leave a man you don't live with than now.

Waiting and moving in will put you in an even more stressful position and make it even harder to leave.

This is your chance - grab it with both hands and reclaim the rest of your life Thanks

Hidingtonothing · 17/04/2020 17:01

Hoping it went ok OP, but if you didn't manage it we'll still be here to hold your hand later or tomorrow instead. It needs to be done and the sooner the better but it's understandable if it takes you a few try's before you actually manage it, just don't give up trying Flowers

Windyatthebeach · 17/04/2020 17:04

End it before you add kids to the mix. I thought my abusive ex would change. Having dc made it harder to end things. My oldest dc was witness to his moods and anger.
He is still having therapy at 28 despite is leaving when he was 6..
Exh is still a nasty bastard at 50 I hear..

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