WWYD?

[SunshineLove12]

Regular NCr here.
My partner and I agreed last night to both have some "space" to think about whether our relationship can proceed and if we think we can work things out. We agreed a few days and that we would both continue our own thing of work etc in the mean time.

1pm today he comes to me asking to know what's happening. I've barely had chance to think about things.

The relationship has been up and down with him just not understanding or appearing manipulative. He came across quite rude, it was also the first time he spoke to me today. He's saying he can't wait a few days to find out, even though we both agreed this. He's knows I've been suffering from nightmares of previous relationships and panic attacks in the night, and that I just need time to think without him being on my case.

Today I've been having heart palpitations and now got pins and needles in the back of my head, but he doesn't know this. He's saying the longer it goes on (the space) the worse it is for him. Claiming I should want to show him that I want him etc. It's precisely this attitude that pushes me away. I've told him I've not had enough space and sex is certainly not on the cards tonight due to how mentally rough I'm feeling. He's complaining that I'm writing it off but I know that I'm not in the mood for it.

I'm seriously considering ending things for good but his comments make me question if I'm being ridiculous.

He says because I've been pushing him away I need to make the effort to show him. He's pushing me away because he's paranoid, and his attitude. For example the other night watching some crime programme where a man publicly groped a woman's bum and then proceeded to stalk her...he thought it was funny and the police shouldn't waste time on people like that. He couldn't understand that it's abnormal behaviour and likely to escalate into rape or something. His attitude to these things make me feel sick but it's only recently he's been vocal about this.

I know many would say LTB and it's definitely my consideration. Can anyone shed any light on his attitude?

Thanks for reading

Look how many times you wrote ‘he says’

It doesn’t matter what he says .... what do you want?

You talk very much about what he says, he does, he wants, his attitude, his feelings etc.

Where are your feelings and what you want in all of this?

I think you know deep down what you really want to do, and I know you would like validation for that - but you are the most important person here and the only person in charge of your own happiness.
It sounds like you haven't been happy for a while x

He's not giving you the time or space you've asked for. It's disrespectful of your feelings. He's putting pressure on you so that you will cave because that will seem "easier".

It doesn't sound like you're happy or you want to be with him

You sound very stressed, I'm sorry, lockdown is the pits for almost everyone.
Try and take some time for yourself- do you have children? Get him to do bath/bed, and go for a long walk with some music on. Not necessarily to think, but to not think.
Then take some time to think about what you want.
You have the rest of your life- make it a good one!

I would probably react like your boyfriend has because that’s my attachment style to be anxious.
I know you both agreed to space but I think you need to spell it out very clearly what the purpose of the space is and if you are going to still speak or totally ignore each other and when you are gonna review it .
The open ended ness of having space can make someone even more persistent than before

Sounds like all he’s interested in is himself. How he’s feeling bad, how he wants this situation resolved.

None of it’s about how you are feeling. It’s all about him.

I think he’s selfish, inconsiderate, manipulative and doesn’t really care about you or your feelings. He does care about how you are useful to him to have sex with or whatever. Wow.

It’s worrying he thinks it’s ok to grab someone’s bum and stalk them.

The laughing at sexual assault and stalking is reason enough to dump him 😡

So you agreed to have a few days space/time last night to decide whether the relationship can continue, and within less than a day he's demanding answers and wants sex?

I think that pretty much answers everything you need to know: he doesn't want you to have any boundaries. In what world is it reasonable to expect sex when you're supposedly having space/on the verge of break-up?

He's trampling all over your (very legitimate) wants and needs. The space was agreed after a very recent conversation and he's now decided it doesn't suit him. I'm sorry but loving,respectful relationships don't work like that. And finding sexual assault and stalking funny shows just how skewed his vision of right and wrong is.

Take the time you need to make the right decision for YOU. Not him the creepy controlling prick

What they ^^^^ all said.

^He's knows I've been suffering from nightmares of previous relationships and panic attacks in the night, and that I just need time to think without him being on my case. Today I've been having heart palpitations and now got pins and needles in the back of my head"

This is your gut feeling OP. Listen to it. He is giving you the creeps and rightly so. Nagging for sex less than a night after you've asked for sex is mental. Just block him on everything. xxx

*asked for space

How long have you been dating? If its only been a few weeks or months then I think you are starting to see his true colours and your intuition is telling you something is off.

Abusive men often want to dominate your time so that you don't have time to think away from their influence. As PP have said, he is completely trampling all over your boundaries and is a general sign of disrespect. The fact that he showed up expecting sex shows his sense of entitlement and complete disregard for your feelings (lack of empathy). He is also clearly misogynistic with his comments about the documentary.

The fact that you have previously been in abusive relationships and this guys behaviour is triggering stuff from the past is a HUGE sign he is also abusive.

Please read up on narcissist abuse, this guy clearly is one. The only way to deal with these types is to dump, block and delete and hope they don't try to Hoover you back

OP, you sound both hounded and harassed by him.

Sleeping badly as well.

I think your gut is screaming at you.

He certainly doesn't read as either respectful or considerate.

Thank you for your honest responses.

We have been together around 18 months and it is true I've been in abusive relationships before. I was a long time on my own before I met him and it is also true that I was happier then.

In hindsight there was a lot of love bombing in the beginning and then in started creeping the awful behaviours. I guess I just wanted to overlook it because the beginning was so good.

This isn't the first time I've spoken to him about my feelings. He knows full well what irritates me and he makes no effort to change that. I've also told him I feel more free when he's not around (pre lockdown) than when he is with me.

He just cannot seem to comprehend that this behaviour equals making me feel negatively towards him. He acts so calm and baffled when I question the behaviours we have talked about so much, like it's the first time he's hearing it.

I've never given him a reason not to trust me and I've myself been in a place where I've been paranoid in a previous relationship but that was when i had a genuine reason to be. I recognised quickly then that my behaviour wasn't right despite knowing I was being shit on and no amount of paranoia would stop the person doing what they are doing. I've tried to understand but I just can't keep doing it.

I do find it hard to let go even if it's the wrong thing to stay, but I'm increasingly reminding myself of the time I was on my own and how I was happy without a care in the world.

I feel so hurt by him and I just want it to stop now. I want to enjoy my life.

End it end it end it.

It's a common abuser tactic to not allow you time to think, because if you think, then you will realise what shitbags they are. So they keep harassing you with all the Fear Obligation and Guilt they need, to keep you in line.

He crossed a boundary you set. So, are you maintaining your boundaries by shifting him out of your life (since he cannot behave in ways that are acceptable to you) and moving on? Or are you tempted to try to make him acknowledge your boundary is wonderful, correct and worthy of his respect? Because the latter is doomed to failure

To move into a thriving life, you have to let all thoughts of 'closure' from him disappear. We have to find our own closure. Seeing what they are is the start.

That last comment about his attitude towards the bum groping and stalking made my blood run cold. What a dangerous way of thinking. Don't ignore this red flag.

In your position, I would formally end the relationship.
I’ve always thought the “take a break/space and think about proceeding” was a farce. It’s been over for awhile, you just haven’t been able to admit it.

Everything you have said about him and the relationship is screaming "LEAVE HIM" to the rest of us. You also clearly know this. Just do it, you will be happier, and that says it all.

It's quite unreasonable to be seeking "space" when you're both trapped in the same space.
I think you should ask for proper distance. Does he or you have someone you can stay with until lockdown is lifted?
Take time apart like a break. A real one. Figure out what you want without him having the option to just walk in the room.

Kick him to the kerb. Life can and will be better when you have the freedom to live as you want to live and not feel continuously hounded and harassed by this man.

@Crackerscheesescabbyknees I get what you are saying but he would be the same even if he did that. That's happened before. It's quite possible to have space within the actual space of the house we live in.

I guess I know what I need to do. I just need to ensure that I can be strong enough to follow through and not be hoovered back.

Was it his idea for you to live together. How long have you lived together, 18 months seems too soon, but maybe ok if both people agree.

In hindsight there was a lot of love bombing in the beginning and then in started creeping the awful behaviours. I guess I just wanted to overlook it because the beginning was so good.

This is textbook.

The beginning was a lie, the relationship you have now is the truth.

My answer - "We both agreed that we would give each other time to think things over. As you clearly cannot give me that time that I am able to give to you, I cannot see a way forward and we must break up. Had you been able to give me the time that I need to think things through (and I'm not talking 8 hours or so, a few days would have been nice and would have shown that you believe in this relationship), that is my final answer. I will not be pressured into making a decision on your time table, it was an agreed timetable that we were both working off and that has been torn up by you"
That's my answer.