WWYD?

[SunshineLove12]

Regular NCr here.
My partner and I agreed last night to both have some "space" to think about whether our relationship can proceed and if we think we can work things out. We agreed a few days and that we would both continue our own thing of work etc in the mean time.

1pm today he comes to me asking to know what's happening. I've barely had chance to think about things.

The relationship has been up and down with him just not understanding or appearing manipulative. He came across quite rude, it was also the first time he spoke to me today. He's saying he can't wait a few days to find out, even though we both agreed this. He's knows I've been suffering from nightmares of previous relationships and panic attacks in the night, and that I just need time to think without him being on my case.

Today I've been having heart palpitations and now got pins and needles in the back of my head, but he doesn't know this. He's saying the longer it goes on (the space) the worse it is for him. Claiming I should want to show him that I want him etc. It's precisely this attitude that pushes me away. I've told him I've not had enough space and sex is certainly not on the cards tonight due to how mentally rough I'm feeling. He's complaining that I'm writing it off but I know that I'm not in the mood for it.

I'm seriously considering ending things for good but his comments make me question if I'm being ridiculous.

He says because I've been pushing him away I need to make the effort to show him. He's pushing me away because he's paranoid, and his attitude. For example the other night watching some crime programme where a man publicly groped a woman's bum and then proceeded to stalk her...he thought it was funny and the police shouldn't waste time on people like that. He couldn't understand that it's abnormal behaviour and likely to escalate into rape or something. His attitude to these things make me feel sick but it's only recently he's been vocal about this.

I know many would say LTB and it's definitely my consideration. Can anyone shed any light on his attitude?

Thanks for reading

We didn't agree to live together it just sort of happened because of his insecurities. I really wish I hadn't allowed that to happen

We didn't agree to live together it just sort of happened because of his insecurities. I really wish I hadn't allowed that to happen

Do you what to say more about how that happened ? Because I don’t understand.

All of your instincts are telling you that the relationship isn't right but because he is persistent you are doubting yourself. Don't, trust yourself.

Having physical symptoms is a very strong indication that your gut is working for you and your need for space is probadly just to let your adrenalin levels reduce. He doesn't want this perhaps he has an insecure attachment or maybe it is more toxic..you don't have to figure it out. It feels wrong and that is enough of a reason.

Is it your house? Does he have a place to go?

@I0NA I would stay at his occasionally but then on the nights in between he'd invite himself over to mine and then end up staying. Whenever I tried bringing up that I needed a night or something to myself he'd get really paranoid and ask why I didn't want to spend time with him. He didn't understand that people just need space which clearly he still doesn't.

I should have recognised a long time ago that it was wrong. I think my body can literally take no more which is why it is reacting the way it is.

Tell him to leave.

Op, you've found another abusive guy.

He basically moved in through emotional blackmail, not out of adult discussion and mutual decision.

He may not yet be as bad as previous abusers, but the blueprint is there.

You need to get him gone.

I see, thanks for explaining. So even at the start, he didn’t accept your boundaries, he didn’t think you had the right to decide who was in your house or in your life.

I think you know that it’s not that he “ doesn’t understand that people need space “. He understands perfectly well.

It’s that he doesn't think you have the same human rights as everyone else, to make these kind of decisions for yourself. The only thing that matters is what HE wants and he’s perfectly happy to trample all over your boundaries to get what he wants.

This isn’t about space. It’s about him controlling you. Your time, your house, your body. You haven’t mentioned your money but I bet he has tried to control that too.

Does he, by any chance, have strong opinions about your friends and family, your work, your colleagues or your clothes. No doubt because he “ cares about you “ and “ wants the best for you “.

Does he “ encourage ” you to wear/ not wear certain outfits or see certain friends / family members or do certain hobbies ? Perhaps because they don’t treat you well or are a bad influence ?

He didn't understand that people just need space which clearly he still doesn't

As others say:

1. He does understand
2. Doesn't care for your feelings as his feelings are more important
3. Has no empathy

When someone steps over your boundaries it feel uncomfortable but if you are not used to maintaining boundaries then you don't know when to take action.

We are so conditioned to be nice that it is difficult to assert yourself. You should be able to say, that doesn't work for me, and he should listen.

He has never controlled finances or what I wear. He likes to interfere in most other aspects of my life. But it's more just comments about things that make me think whatever it is I'm doing is a problem. How long something takes me, why I did something slightly different to what I said I was going to do. That sort of thing.

It's hard to explain but it's enough to make me feel stressed around him and suffocated

OP,

If you could just find the strength to get him out of your home...your stress levels would be reduced.

If you need support... I would contact your local police force.
They are there to support women who feel vulnerable.

You are not alone in this situation.

To have someone move into your home and just ot leave is so unimaginably awful.

He needs to leave.

Can you find the strength to just ask him clearly.

Do not get into any discussion.

Just ask him to leave.

You need to be on your own.

No discussion.

Just leave.

If he doesn't and won't.its a clear case for the police.

He has NO right to be in your home.

You can call the non emergency local police liaison and discuss it with them before asking him to leave.
In some cases they will come around and discuss the issue to stop any escalation if there is coercion or threats. Depends how busy they are and what area you are in.

I’m fact probably better to do that if he attempts coercion or threats rather than before.

Stressed and suffocated are not normal ways to feel in a relationship. Nothing else really matters - you're not happy, it's not working for you, those emotions are valid - you don't need to stay in a relationship like that.

‘Interfering in your life with small comments’ is exactly how abuse starts.

You come back from Tesco’s and he says

“ That's not much shopping considering you were away for two hours “

You reply “ well I bumped into Emma on the way out the shop so we went for a coffee “

“ you didn’t tell me you were meeting Emma “

“ It wasn’t planned , we just met in the car park “

“ you don’t need to lie to me you know”

“ I’m not lying - why are you being like this? “

“ well it’s just I thought we had agreed to be open with each other and now I find out that you are hiding things from me and doing things behind my back. And now you are getting angry which shows me that you feel guilty . It makes me wonder what else you were doing this afternoon while you were pretending to shop”

“ don’t be stupid, you are making something out of nothing, it was just a coffee”

“ well I had planned to take you out somewhere nice tonight, remember that restaurant you are always talking about ? I was going to take you there but there’s no point when you are in such a bad mood. I’ll just go out now and give you some space to get over what’s bothering you “.

Then he disappears for the day / night and you are-left wondering where you went wrong. The whole weekend is ruined with his sulking.

You know it’s your fault of course, because you got angry and over- reacted to his innocent question. You called him stupid - maybe that’s verbal abuse ? And he was planning to do something nice for you so he must really love you.

Next time you consider having a 30 min coffee with a friend you will think again. Because it’s not worth spoiling a whole weekend.

That’s how it starts.

Give him an answer now... it's over.

He's forced your hand and he forced his was into living with you.

Please end it and do the freedom programme.