Would you be upset if

[anothernamechange456]

Sex wasn't particularly regular, you are in a loving relationship, partner has ED, has always made the point that he's not interested in sex every day, every other day, once a week etc., but enjoys sex, then you find out he takes viagra regularly to wank?

Just for context, I am younger and in the early days he used to say 'the wants and needs of a woman of your age' referring that I'd want it more than him. I adjusted to this and wouldn't throw myself at him as didn't want to put him under pressure.

We've had sex once this year, he's wanked off plenty. I'm not saying he shouldn't, but I feel upset that he perhaps would rather wank than have sex with me.

Am I overthinking this and should I just brush it under the carpet, or raise it with him (pardon the pun!)

He isn't a loving partner imo

You deserve more op.
Not just more sex but more respect.

For some people OP they would be able to be content with this situation. For others, it would be something that caused them pain and they would be better off ending the relationship. It's one of those things that's totally individual. Others perspectives aren't v helpful in this case. My advice is dig deep and go with your personal feeling.

There could be many reasons for his choices here, but the bottom line is how you feel and what you want for your life. I would focus on that. If you have communicated what you want and he doesn't try to meet your needs, then you know your answer.

I feel a bit betrayed if I'm honest, not sure if that's silly or not. I have no issue with wanking per say, but having put his washing away an hour after he got out of bed and found his wet wanking tissue in his sock drawer, it felt disrespectful.

Totally unacceptable OP. My ex on several occasions preferred to watch porn (and presumably wank) rather than come to bed with me when I wanted to be intimate. Not just sex but generally being loving.

I have been in your shoes. I was pissed off!! The key here is yes, of course the man can wank all he wants...but not if he is not having sex with you. If he's wanking then he's getting that horny feeling but selfishly sorting himself out without one thought for your needs. It's unfair and extremely selfish. If he had no sexual feelings at all, that would be different.

But then I question myself because I generally don't initiate, because again, I don't want to pressurise him. But that was based on me not knowing about the frequent wanking, it's caught me very off guard.

I think that's incredibly hurtful and I don't blame you for being very upset

Wanking is a pretty poor substitute for sex, so it seems rather bizarre that he would take viagra for wanking and then not have the sex which is clearly willingly available

It feels more like he just isn't that into you

Well we are 6 years in, adore each other (at least I thought so), I was previously married to a narcissistic arsehole, and maintain and am steadfast that I'd rather be single than live a life anywhere near on that scale again.

Big and honest conservations to be had this weekend. Expecting kickback naturally, but am not willing to put up with any shit. No ones fucking perfect, me included, but the the transparency has clearly gone AWOL, that is something we both need to acknowledge and see where we go from there.

Yes, there may have been some non/mis communication but fuck that shit, in an older and wiser relationship, nothing will wash with me, and nor should it with him.

I just feel worthless right now, something I didn't ever want to feel again.

Thanks for everyone's input, it means a lot.

Porn addiction? Look up the signs and symptoms.

Some older men use viagre to ‘get the turtle out of the shell’ to pee straight. 1/4 tab a day.
Could he be using it for this?
I do note the tissue though

OP - you said you found tissues - as in one occurrence. Did you also find the actual tablets? And how do you know how often it’s going on if you haven’t had the conversation?

In general - It seems that he has always had some sort of an issue with libido or ED and you went into the relationship being aware of that. So, on that level - you can’t really fault his as he didn’t misrepresented himself from the start.
However, the way Viagra works, though, is that it doesn’t just create an erection. The man needs to be aroused by something. And he is clearly not aroused by you.
If I were to guess - he might have some kinks that he has not shared with you -
possibly due to embarrassment.

Regardless of what comes out of that conversation - it’s not very likely that your sex life with him would change for the better. And it’s up to you to decide if you want to live with that or not.

Stop wasting your time on a relationship that will never make you happy.

Been there. Likely a porn addiction you weren't aware of.
Plenty of men find their ED issues go away when they stop porn.

It's selfish and deceitful.

This is laziness and total disregard for you on his part. I would be re-thinking this completely and be out the door.

No, I wouldn’t put up with that.

Been there, turned out to be a porn addiction. Killed my self esteem, never really got it back.

To anothernamechange456:

I am so sorry to hear the current problems you are experiencing with your partner. I am a counselling psychologist and I have seen many couples go through related issues in terms of their sexual life. This of course is a fundamental part of your couple life. I am assuming that your partner's biological work-up is absolutely fine, as he is currently able to masturbate regularly and achieve orgasm.

Therefore, it highly suggests that he has certain thoughts and feelings in relation to both of you as a couple. There are several questions that you can perhaps ask here, and reflect on; what stage of the relationship are you in at the moment? Has your sexual life always followed this pattern or has it changed over time? Are there any external life situations that might play a role in his reduced sexual interest with you? Have you both discussed in detail your sexual fantasises (both sides) and been able to put these into practice? What has been his history of intimate relationships with other partners?

Remember that sex almost always reflects the emotional life of the couple. How you both are as a couple (emotionally, psychologically) will impact your sexual life. Another question to ask is; how much mystery is there between you? Is there sufficient foreplay/sexual excitement during the day?

I am not sure if you are both living together permanently, as the current lockdown will also affect the amount of closeness/distance you both feel towards each other. There are many things to think about here!

I hope my comments above will help; however you would be correct in raising this issue with him as resentments will build up over time if left unsettled. Obviously there is a time and place for such discussions to take place, but the main point is that this difficulty needs to be shared with him openly. It is causing you a lot of distress too, and your happiness is equally important :)

So, had the talk. Apparently it is very common for men to wake up with an erection for no reason and I should google it! Apparently it is very common for men who have ED, to be able to wank fully without the need for Viagra upon 'waking' (except he can't do that with me).

Apparently, there is no way he has used 12 tablets out of 13 (even though they are from the same batch that he bought towards the end of last year). I suggested he ask the cat and the dog if they had taken them. He went to check his wash bag that he takes then when we've been holiday, questioned if we'd been on holiday since October when they were delivered, err, no!

Apparently the crux of the conversation is that we should be having sex more.

Apparently a drink here or there to get us in the mood is the issue.

Apparently he still fancies me. Hasten to add he did not try to comfort me.

Apparently it would have been 'wrong' for him to ring/message me downstairs on Sunday where he miraculously found himself with a hard-on to ask me if I fancied 'it'.

He is now giving me 'space' to get out of my way and has gone upstairs.....

Go fucking figure because I can't. Clearly it is now MY problem and not his. Hmmmmmm

Oh and then he turned it on me, that I have a drawer full (exaggeration) of toys. Funny, I haven't been near them in the past 18 months (and we'd use them
together) after being signed off with stress (all gone since 9 months ago when I landed a dream job).

Why the quick escape to give me 'space'? Is that the sign of someone with something to hide??

He's a selfish,emotionally stunted coward who refuses to acknowledge when he is obviously wrong "Have we been on holiday since October?" Idiot

Its not your problem.... Fuck that bullshit, why put up with mediocre subpar crappy bullshit. If he ain't hitting your spot, then he has to go. Don't allow him to manipulate you into thinking it's your fault. It's all him.....

He is being defensive and still not being honest.
To address his points:

Morning erections:

• Totally normal in men with no issues
• Men with ED caused by physiological issues (low testosterone, for eg) - do NOT have them
• Men with ED caused by other issues will have them

SO - what is the cause of his ED, really? If he gets morning erections - then the ‘plumbing’ works and it’s the issues in his head that needs fixing. What is he then doing about it?

Wanking
Similar comments to the above. Either the plumbing doesn’t work and he doesn’t have a drive to have sex/wank. Or it does and he just isn’t bothering to work on his performance anxiety.
OR - as I said before - he has some very specific needs/fetishes that you don’t meet.

Yes, unfortunately he is experiencing some psychological/emotional issues. I am so sorry to hear about his response, when you tried to discuss this with him. It is clearly a serious issue yet he is clearly not ready to explore this issue further.

You must be feeling so rejected and unloved? You deserve much better than this, and a person who can satisfy you

No one can give diagnosis over a few posts on MN - so I am but sure what sort of ‘Dr’ you are Farah.
The only thing we know for sure is that he isn’t willing to talk to his W about his sexuality.

But at the same time OP fell in love with him being aware of the lack of desire for her on his side and didn’t seem to question it before.