How to prove low-level abuse in court?

[RLEOM]

My ex and father of my child - and his mum - are my abusers. It's very twisted, toxic, low-level abuse (lots of mind games) where I'm not allowed to talk or have an opinion or concern unless it's on his terms. I can be kind and supportive and it will still get twisted.

To summarise the relationship: lots of lies, cheating, lots of gas lighting (which still continues), financial abuse and some control (I wasn't allowed to breastfeed because his mum said so). I left a year ago when he started an emotional affair in front of me and my child, in our family home. I knew what was happening but he'd turn it on me as if I was crazy and that we shouldn't be together if there's no trust. Needless to say, they became official after I left.

The psychological impact means I no longer know my own voice. I don't know if I'm right or wrong with anything. He comes across as a nice guy, and he's a great dad, but he plays mind games, I'll get upset, then he'll turn it on me and threaten court. He's been to mediation twice without telling me or inviting me. He refuses to communicate about our child unless it's in his terms.

I want to go to court (I don't but it's getting too much for me and is now impacting on our daughter) but I know him and his mum are going to tear me to shreds and I feel like nobody is going to believe me.

Does anyone have any guidance or experience? Do I just give in and accept I'm going to receive this treatment for the rest of my life?

I'm in the UK if that helps. I also have no money as I'm a SAHM so I can't get a lawyer who specialises in this kind of abuse.

Court is about what is best for the child and only what is best for the child. The court and Cafcass will only be interested in this. In my experience, they will be fairly dismissive of low level abuse, particularly as it's about how your ex is with you. His mother won't be allowed into the court.

It does mean that yes, to some extent, you will have to put up with him like this forever but don't be scared of court and don't let him use it as a threat. Once you have a CAO it can help to reduce his control over the situation.

Do you want to go to court for a CAO or to prosecute him for the abuse?

If he's doing this to you, he's not a 'great dad'. What kind of example is he setting to your child about how men treat women?!

It can help to have some official bodies to add their weight or advocate for you. Have you spoken to anyone about the abuse? Reach out to your HV, talk to your GP, seek counselling etc. Are friends and family aware? Has anyone witnessed it? Presumably once abuse is noted can seek funded legal support because that's what you really need - a savvy, knowledgable solicitor in your corner in court.

@doyoumind actually they do now take into account the impact coercive control has on the mother if she has to have continued contact with him because of child arrangements order. If the op collects evidence and presents it to the court this will have to be investigated before a CAO is made. (The law changed in 2017).

Document everything.
All contacts to be via email.
Confirm everything he says via email.
Only by getting it in writting do you prove things
Ie.
Him will collect child Monday. Done via word of mouth, he then arrives very late so you had to stay in all day.
What you do is email him the day before.
Can you please state a time that you will be collecting our child?
Otherwise I will take it as you will collect after 6pm.

Speak with rightsofwomen.org.uk/

They should be able to advise you and support you.

I echo what @Doyoumind is saying.
I went to West Mercia police regarding domestic abuse and also Halifax bank and other companies regarding financial abuse. They are not interested. You will get no support or even advice.
The only person I found I was harming was myself as the abuser moves on with there life and also I was harming my daughter who was stuck in the middle .

Do the freedom programme it helps you find your voice

What do you want to go for court for? What do you want to achieve? Has he committed a crime?

I wonder if you need another way of obtaining freedom from these people? Your way to freedom could come from yourself.

That doesn’t sound like low-level abuse, especially not being allowed to breastfeed because of his mum. That is atrocious and you should not have been made to live like that.

I don’t have any advice regarding the legal side of things, but it may help you if you can categorise the behaviour you have experienced. If you know the behaviour was abusive then that may help you to deal with things now.

He probably isn’t a good father. He will either treat your child the same way he treats you (not allowed to have an opinion, twisting things to suit him, having to be control) or he will show his child that his way is how you treat women. Neither option is good. He doesn’t get to dictate what happens with your child, but he gets to have equal input with you. If he’s dictating contact times etc, then you could look at CAFCASS guidance on contact depending on the age of your child. Regular scheduled contact is what’s best for your child. Irregular, constantly changing/cancelled contact is not in your child’s best interest.

You don’t have to out up with this treatment forever. You can dictate how you deal with him. Dedicated email address for child related matters then block him on your phone. You don’t need to speak to his mum. You will probably find that he won’t accept that because he has been more controlling than you may be aware of. A reasonable ex would be able to have conversations with you about your child without turning it around as an opportunity to control you.

Have a look here Types of abuse and also think about the Freedom Programme.

Thank you for everyone's advice. I really, really appreciate it.

We have good childcare arrangements in place, so that's not the problem. Taking him to court would be on the grounds of abuse because I want it to stop. I don't want money for him, nor do I want him to go to prison or anything along those lines. It's about having it recognised (he doesn't see it himself) and about having it stopped.

As an example of what I've dealt with: he had a female friend who he was sleeping with, denied it, twisted it on me like I was crazy. I believed him. Had his baby, found a picture of her passed out on his bed naked. I confronted it, he said she wasn't aware he took the picture and joked about using a date rape drug. (I'd also just discovered he was a porn addict and stalked women he found attractive by trying to find their address etc - he has real issues when it comes to women.) So I asked the girl myself, turned out it was consensual, which was great in comparison to what he was making out. Because I enquired with the girl, he went to the police and reported me. His friend called me immature because of this, I expressed to his mum that I didn't want his friends contacting me, she said to save the message for the police! Police? For someone calling me immature? 😐

He terrifies me with what his next move could be. I get punished for having concerns. It's all high nervous energy on his abd his mum's part, which is dangerous and so unhealthy. I've begged him to talk on many occasions but he will only talk on his terms, will only communicate if he wants to.

I recently told him to stop with the mind games, that it was a form of abuse and is not healthy to model that to our child. He turned it round on me accusing him of child abuse and that my allegations of abuse must stop. I've only just told him it's abuse.

We get on well in person but when it comes to the nitty gritty or anything on this group chat with his mum (we have to be on it to protect him because of what happened with the naked picture of the girl), he closes down and refuses to talk, or will play mind games.

It's 50 shades of a shit show that I've got to put up with for the rest of my life and I don't think I can cope with it.

That's where only corresponding via email is key because then you have the evidence and can reassure yourself when he is a gaslighting you. You cannot force him to stop abusing you, you cannot force him to change his behaviour - its shitty but true. You know he'll just find some other underhand way to belittle you. Take control and create distance. Get a new phone number for everyone else and keep your current number for him and his mum, turn it off when you need to. Have an email account just for him, communicate only about the child. Check it weekly. He is trying to occupy your mind space and you are letting him. Lockdown is a great time to start re-assessing boundaries.

You have to block him and his mother et al on everything, op.

That's the only sure fire way to remove yourself from the situation and like PP said, email only. Don't be drawn in to their drama.
And only discuss things that are to do with your daughter and his contact - nothing else.

On the basis of what you have written, I fear taking him to court will just reinforce his power over you as he will know that he has really got to you. He has behaved badly but you are free now so you need to take control of the situation. There are many wise words and useful links on this thread so follow them up. Stop begging him to stop this will only encourage him to continue, ignoring him and his behaviour will be much more powerful.
I would: no longer communicate in any way with his mother, block her on everything and ignore her. Get a new phone number and email address and leave the old ones just for him. Do not take any calls from him - let him leave a message - if it is an emergency about your daughter then call back but otherwise ignore the sh** and confirm by email any arrangements regarding your daughter and nothing else. I'm afraid you will need to grow a backbone. Good luck

You might be able to get a non-molestation order against him, but it will depend on a) you documenting everything meticulously and b) getting a good solicitor who 'gets' coercive control.

And that leads me to c) - the first step: speaking to your local domestic abuse charity, with your list of concerns to hand for easy reference. Tell them everything. Ask them for the support you need - they will hopefully be able put you in touch with a solicitor - no guarantees as legal aid is like gold dust these days, but even if it's just an initial free consultation it will help empower you to go about getting the outcome you want. You will have to be patient as they are overstretched. My local one allows you to correspond via email - but obviously only do this if you're pretty certain he doesn't have access to it.

He sounds horrendous. However, I don't think your desired outcome is something court would necessarily help with and it would be very stressful for you and potentially actively unhelpful if he managed to spin things to the court.

I'd google "grey rock technique" and do that as much as possible. Just try not to engage or give any opinions on anything at all (unless there's anything dangerous to your DC). Even then just keep it really neutral and unemotional. Ignore anything from him that doesn't need a response.

I also agree with those who have said that you need to stop communicating with his mother. Maybe get a cheap PAYG phone for your ex that you only switch on when necessary and when he has the DC (so he can contact in an emergency).

Sounds like my ex - he also showed me naked pictures of a woman he was sleeping with. I think it says a lot about a man that would do that.

He sounds horrendous OP, but I'm not sure he's doing anything illegal. The police won't take much interest unless he's threatening you, and the alternative course of action is to try for a non-mol (I think there's a charity called NCDV will advise on this.) on the basis of harassment. I would phone them and have a chat.

Your alternative (legally) is a civil case - but this would cost you tens of thousands.

I really think you can get a lot further though by the grey rock technique, blocking him from communicating from you except by email - you really don't need to see him, speak to him or text him at all. That would go a long way to making you feel better. I have been through very similar- It's the continued contact that is damaging you. His mother is his flying monkey. She needs the same treatment - she is just his tool, another means of abusing you. My ex used similar. Block her, do not engage. I promise you, you will start to feel sane again after a while. The fog then lifts and you can start seeing clearly.

Counselling would also really help you - to recover mostly, but also to deal with him going forward.

oh and I don't actually see how you can say that co-parenting is going well. it can't with him. He is using this as another way to get to you. Limit contact. |t's the only way.

you don't need to be on the group chat.

You don't need to even speak to him.

I think I'll get another number and phone just for him and him only. Switched off, in a drawer apart from on his days. Communicate via email only. I will not invite him to events around our daughter unless they're medical. I will not take his feelings into consideration and basically cut him out.

It's a shame as I really wanted to do a good job with coparenting. I had this image that we would be sharing videos and pictures, that we'd have open communication, that we'd work as a team. Oh, well. I didn't want my daughter to experience disrespect, I didn't want her to see her mother being treated like dirt, so I guess cutting him off is my only option. Cold, grey rock method, which feels so unfair and unnatural to me as it's not in my makeup.

Those who have said taking him to court would empower him - you're right. I wouldn't win anyway because that's just how it is with him - he always has the power over me.

Lastly, I need to get my confidence back. I need to empower myself and not put myself in the position to be played. Although I hate the grey rock method as the silent treatment is a form of abuse in itself, I have no choice. No more wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Thank you ❤

@AnnaNimmity we do because the police said so... apparently. He's also done mediation by himself and has said they've advised a group chat, but they haven't heard my side of the story, only his.

It's my own fault for dating a man-child. I always used to say that if a butterfly landed on his shoulder, he'd complain it was beating him up. I should've seen that as the massive red flag it was!

the police only know his side. You are dealing with an abuser - he is using this as a means of controlling you. I really think you don't need to do this by law. If you think there are risks to your child, that's a separate matter.

It's not down to you to police him.

Well done! I think grey rock (or even better no contact) is the only way to protect yourself. Google parallel parenting - it's a way of co-parenting with an abuser.

My exH (not the same person as naked photo guy) is similar. I can only communicate with him through email. He will use every means, including the children, as a way of trying to control and get to me. His only way now is financially. And he does his best!

@RLEOM I doubt the police and his personal mediator advised this group chat was necessary. You only have his word for this, and I think he is manipulating you again.

Ask yourself why a grown man would need his mother to be involved in your relationship? It obviously suits him, as his mother shores up his abuse of you. He enjoys this, and tells you that you need to put up with it because the police and mediator say so. Doesn’t ring true does it?

Grey rock is just being boring, removing emotional feedback, being factual only and keeping it minimal, I don't think it's the 'silent treatment' or abusive.