How to prove low-level abuse in court?

[RLEOM]

My ex and father of my child - and his mum - are my abusers. It's very twisted, toxic, low-level abuse (lots of mind games) where I'm not allowed to talk or have an opinion or concern unless it's on his terms. I can be kind and supportive and it will still get twisted.

To summarise the relationship: lots of lies, cheating, lots of gas lighting (which still continues), financial abuse and some control (I wasn't allowed to breastfeed because his mum said so). I left a year ago when he started an emotional affair in front of me and my child, in our family home. I knew what was happening but he'd turn it on me as if I was crazy and that we shouldn't be together if there's no trust. Needless to say, they became official after I left.

The psychological impact means I no longer know my own voice. I don't know if I'm right or wrong with anything. He comes across as a nice guy, and he's a great dad, but he plays mind games, I'll get upset, then he'll turn it on me and threaten court. He's been to mediation twice without telling me or inviting me. He refuses to communicate about our child unless it's in his terms.

I want to go to court (I don't but it's getting too much for me and is now impacting on our daughter) but I know him and his mum are going to tear me to shreds and I feel like nobody is going to believe me.

Does anyone have any guidance or experience? Do I just give in and accept I'm going to receive this treatment for the rest of my life?

I work in a similar area and I'll be honest, criminal convictions for coercive control are as rare as hens teeth. It's barely worth the paper it's written on.

It's notoriously difficult to prove and would be a long and arduous process for probably minimal gain. Sad but true.

I'd concentrate on yourself and your future and block him.

Grey rock is just being boring, removing emotional feedback, being factual only and keeping it minimal, I don't think it's the 'silent treatment' or abusive.

This. It's about boundaries not abusing him or the silent treatment. I think attempting to have a close coparenting relationship with this man is just giving him the means to abuse you. You can still invite him to the main things (eg school play) but just see him in public and don't allow any heavy conversations.

Sadly it is impossible to co parent with such a man.
My exh turned his own dc against him in his quest to discredit me..
They are nc with him.

I am afraid the court can't help. It doesn't exist to teach him something about himself or accept his behaviour Is bad. A criminal court exists to convict people who have committed criminal offences, a civil family court deals with disputes about children or requests for non molestation orders etc

Unless you are saying his behaviour is impacting on the welfare of a child or is sufficiently serious to mean the court would grant you a non molestation order, I am not sure what you want to achieve from court proceedings.

I think it is better for you to focus on how you can increase your self esteem and how you deal with 'low level abuse'. One of the first and most important steps - for me at any rate - was accepting that I could not change another person, only my reactions and my own defence of my boundaries.

@Starlight39 and @category12 - he used to ignore me a lot on our group chat and I soon realised - or thought - it was the grey rock method. I've seen a lot of people saying to use it by just ignoring the person, hence why I assumed that was what grey rock method was all about.

I know my problem is that I try too hard with him. Although he's made his bed, I don't think he ever wanted to be a single dad and misses our daughter greatly. I empathise too much with that and end up trying to include him in everything, or buy him sentimental Christmas presents that only a parent would love, but he seems to see my niceness as... I don't know? Evil? God knows what that man is thinking? I'll be sure to stop. It's such a shame that I'm going to have to take that away. I've just got to remember that he doesn't care about my feelings and treat him like he does me.

You need to stop projecting your own emotions onto him - you're imagining what you would feel in his position, but I don't think he does. (I mean, you wouldn't spend all your time point-scoring etc if you were in his place, right?)

You need to detach emotionally and, I don't know, view him a bit like a bug under glass. You can probably predict his reactions, what he's likely to say.

With grey rock, you just don't engage with the emotional side of things. You "work toward treating them as a stranger you have no emotional connection with. Remind yourself that you have no obligation or need to share anything extra with them". You don't enter into discussions about the past, you answer minimally: yes, no, uh-huh, I see, I don't know. You don't explain or justify yourself, and you don't ask questions (except practical ones if totally necessary). You don't let him bait you into arguments or explanations. What he wants is drama, what you give him is boredom.

I know it's sad that you can't co-parent amicably and share the joys of your dc, but you need to protect your MH and wellbeing.

Thank you @category12

I think grey rock is something we both find hard face-to-face. When you're stood at the door with an 18-month-old who does something funny or cute, it's hard not to talk about it or to giggle, which then sets off conversation. I hate that we're going to have to model to our child that we're both cold towards each other when really we usually get on really well with random chit chat. Oh, well. It is what it is. I don't think he's going to like how cold I'm going to become.

He is your ex. He let you see naked pictures of another woman he has having sex with while you were in a relationship with him.

And yet you still feel the need to buy him nice Christmas presents?

Can you see how crazy this sounds written down?

The person you need to change is you and your reactions to him. At the moment you spend all this time trying to do nice things for him, having nice chats with him, thinking you will be happy co-parents and then getting upset when he abuses you.

Sadly you are essentially walking about with a dartboard on your face as far as he is concerned in making it easy for him to upset you.

The only reason you should have to communicate is about your child and even then about a lot less than you are currently communicating. It's up to him to do his fathering, you don't have to do it for him.

@AnnaMagnani as much as he's an asshole for what he did, this is his first time as a parent, too. Nobody else feels the same way about our child as we do and I know how much he'd appreciate gifts that hold sentimental value (hand prints etc). I thought it was a nice thing to do - I sometimes don't understand why it's frowned upon to be nice.

But you're right, I need to remove the dart board because even if I'm nice, I'll always be seen as a witch. Thanks for your input.

Contact your nearest womens aid office.
They will be able to send you to a solicitor who will help free of charge.
EA is abuse. Therefore you should qualify for legal aid.
The WA will also help house you, benefits etc?

You do not have to put up with this behaviour. I was in a similar position and on benefits. They can help with food, money anything! Please don’t stay, I did and wasted so many years.

I wish you all the best xx

Ps: from January 2019. Verbal, emotional, financial or physical forms of abuse were made unlawful.
You can call the police, who will take your statement and then direct you to women’s aid, children’s services.....whatever you need. Start writing a journal and put in it just the facts ( no emotional entries). This will also be used to better your position in court. DONT WAIT
If you would like me to answer any questions please feel free to message me xx

I use an app called 2houses to arrange all contact with my ex. Went down like a bucket of shit when I insisted on that. I had to be very bold and say the only contact he could have with his daughter was contact arranged via the app.

I still get the odd mind game played on me, but it's much easier to spot and manage because the app manages everything so well. It's been 5 years now, and compared with what it was like in the first year, it's much much better. Part of the reason for that is I have found my strength and I'm a completely different person now. That took a lot of counselling, including help from Women's Aid.

And yes, sadly he does behave in a similar way to my daughter. It's very hard if not impossible to prove. I see it as all I can do is be the most supportive and nurturing parent to her to make up for it.

Make sure you collect evidence of EVERYTHING. I kept emails that at the time did not seem to indicate anything untoward, but looking at them now I can see they demonstrate controlling behaviour. Women's Aid are absolutely brilliant - worth contacting them.

Finally, it is probably a good idea to contact the Child Maintenance Service sooner rather than later. Although money isn't the issue here, it's one way they can fling shade at you, and having it handled by a 3rd party who tells them what to pay takes that away.

The court isn’t there to stop being an arsehole. You need to focus on detaching from this man.

You are able to document and articulate his bad behaviour but you don’t appear to understand or a

You are able to document and articulate his bad behaviour but you don’t appear to understand or appreciate that you he is who he is and you cannot change that. Your responsibility begins and ends in limiting your exposure to particular brand of toxicity.

He's not your friend, not even some of the time when you're getting on. He is the man who stopped you from breastfeeding your child.
Be civil and polite but boring, grey rock.
"Hello ex how are you, I am well. Here is child, love you DC, goodbye ex." Etc etc.

You've got to remember that you "getting along" is surface only.

Underneath it, he stabs you in the back. Routinely.

He and his mum abuse you.
You're on here asking for advice because of the toxicity you're subjected to, but he keeps sucking you in with the nicey-nicey.

I don't think he values your kind gestures, he sees them as weakness.

You have to let go of the fantasy co-parenting relationship you want. It's not "frowned on to be nice", but what you're doing is repeatedly opening yourself up to his abuse. By giving him ins all the time, you continue his opportunities.

Can't you see the massive disconnect between "I need to go to court because I'm being abused" and "we have lovely doorstep chit-chat"?

I get what you mean by "low level abuse" but the examples you give are pretty serious. It's possible you are minimising them because you've been trained to. Your local authority probably runs Freedom Training groups for victims of domestic abuse and you would definitely qualify. Does anything here strike a chord? www.google.co.uk/amp/s/janetopkin.com/2017/06/24/inside-the-mind-of-a-dominator/amp/

P.S. "Good dads" don't abuse children's mothers. And you don't think this fucked up family dynamic damages children? If you have sons do you want them growing up like him? If you have daughters you want them thinking this is normal and not expecting any better?

Apologies, I posted without reading the whole thread.