How to leave DP during lockdown?

[namechange1st]

Namechanged, in case it's not apparent, as if anyone who knows me sees this it'll be instantly recognisable.

I have been with my DP for 7 years now, and have twin girls about to turn 1, however I'm getting to the stage where I'm finally realising he is toxic and we will be happier if I left with the girls, but I don't really know how, what with lockdown and everything that entails.

I know my mum will happily house us until something more permanent is sorted, that's not the issue. The main problem is that my partner has become incredibly coercive since I hit midway through my pregnancy (but that's a whole nother thread entirely) and I now find him really intimidating and worry how I'll be able to get both the girls and their things out the house.

If this wasn't lockdown I know I'd have family round with a van and support, but I don't see how that would work right now due to social distancing.

He does/did suffer from depression but refuses to seek help, so instead it manifests in cruel outbursts and causes me to be constantly walking on eggshells - he screamed that he wished I was dead earlier in front of our crying children earlier today (second time in a week he's told me to "fuck off and die" with venom in his voice) and "jokingly" commented how he could stove my head in with the baseball bat.

Lockdown has just magnified everything seeing I can't visit friends/family with the girls, and while I don't believe he'd raise a hand to me, I'm still scared of him when he's in one of these mindframes.

How do people with more than one small child actually get them both out of a house when they seperate? I'm having nightmares of him physically stopping me from taking one or both of the girls. And how do I then get my/their stuff? I don't see him happily letting my waltz back in after the fact, and since I bought all their items (not just clothes, but nursery furniture/buggy/highchairs) in the first place I would be wanting to take them with us.

We are both tenants on private rental (with a month notice) so the option of having him removed/locks changed isn't going to fly. I also paid all of our rental deposit when we moved in 18m ago, so I don't know the guideline on if I can get any of that back assuming my partner decides to take on the tenancy as a single occupant.

Apologies for the ramble (I don't want to drop feed) and the many stupid questions, I'm exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally, and this board always seems helpful over the years, so please may I ask for your help, advice, or a handhold.

OP you've repeated one of these threads, I would ask for the other to be removed to save confusion.
Personally, unless your parents are in the bay 3 vulnerable/shielding category I would enlist their help in removing you, the kids and as much stuff as you can in one go. I would make sure you have personal documents and photos, birth certificates, passports proof of earnings etc, more than worrying about stuff than can be replaced. Save any threatening texts he might send and use them as evidence to get police involved in retrieving stuff later. The same with deposits. It's all small stuff compared with the health safety and spirit of you and the kids..
The Covid guidelines specifically have both domestic violence and moving house as exceptions. Good luck.

You can end a tenancy early if you are leaving domestic abuse, so you need to get advice from Women's Aid, and the local police domestic abuse team asap. They should also help you pack and leave safely.

Try to post as many of your belongings to your parents house as you can without him noticing.

You poor thing. I would definitely speak to the police about the best way of doing this. Would you be able to do that without him hearing you?

You're right that social distancing is of the utmost importance in normal circumstances. Escaping abuse overtakes that right now and removing yourself and your children from an aggressive abuser is much more important in the long run. Enlist the help you need.
I hope you find yourself somewhere safe very soon OP.

I would try and call police beforehand to consult and run by them asking your parents if they will come help you move, make sure you explain the things he says, and ask them who to contact if he starts kicking off while you leave. And call that person/number the instant he raises his voice, he sounds scary. Is there any opportunity to make that call? In the garden at 2am? Make a list of everything you are taking and check it off as you will be too stressed to run through lists in your head. (would you need a hired van? Cots change tables portacots bowls and spoons and bottles toys clothes nappies sheets blankets mobiles garden toys high chairs car seats prams sling etc?

And call the police part ASAP. He sounds scary. If they will come help you move then just go for it, that would be best.

He has the capabilities to injure you or the dc.
Dont think he wont... whether on purpose or accidentally throwing punches or throwing things

It isnt safe to stay. So go.
You dont need much

You need to call the police so they can escort you out of the home. Please don't delay. Call on an agency that can help you. Get out NOW.

Get a van and enlist your parents help.

Have them sit on your driveway in the car as you bring stuff out.

Take your twins out to their grandparents first.Your partner is less likely to kick off with your parents there.Leave the front door open and instruct your parents to call the police if they hear him shouting.

@namechange1st

Please also continue posting over the next few days and weeks for support and so that us other netsmums know your okay.

You are definitely not alone.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Essential documents in a bag, parents car on the drive, one girl on each hip and go. Everything else can be dealt with after. My blood has run cold at the recent escalation in domestic violence figures, please don’t be one of them. Even if you think he wouldn’t act, that should never be said in a relationship and you need out. Please let us know you’re ok xxx

Morning OP hope you were able to read the responses on here. Really hope you do get the police involved. Threatening to stove your head in with a baseball bat was absolutely sickening and needs to be reported along with the other threats and coercive control.

I also personally would not hesitate getting your parents round to help (assuming they are non risk). Do you take the girls for a stroll in their buggy? You can use this time to make the calls.

Sending you strength and

Call the police, explain whats happening. Arrange a time with parents and a van and ask if they can be there too as your too frightened to leave without their assistance

The police will help you. Call them and explain your afraid to leave , explain the threats and they will be present and help you.
Have a list and take it all with you. Clothes, import at docs, nappies and toys for kids. Everything else is replaceable even cots etc.
Keep the babies safe and go.

Yes phone the police. Explain that he has threatened to hurt you (baseball bat) and ask for their advice. Tell them you don’t feel safe.
Good luck, you can do this. Xx

He can't just take over the tenancy, don't worry about that. I suggest you report his threat to the police and while you are on the phone, tell them about all the other abusive behaviour and explain you need to get your children and stuff out of the house. They will hopefully arrange a time to come and arrest him which will give you the opportunity to get everything you need out.
If you have a family member who can get to you in a van then do it - don't let the coronavirus stop this as this is an acceptable risk.
Once you're out end the tenancy in writing and make sure they know to return the deposit to you not him.

Please, please take advice and leave, go with the absolute minimum and the police will accompany you to go back for it. Pretend you're taking them out for a walk and don't go back x

It’s great that you have realised you need to get out and are not accepting this behaviour any more. Do NOT assume this man won’t physically attack you. There is every reason to believe he will as this is clearly escalating. So you have to be very careful as you prepare to leave and do NOT tell him what you’re doing.

If you can, call the police, let them know what’s been going on and that you are planning your escape and that you will be escaping to your parents’ house. You are allowed to leave your house during the lockdown in these circumstances so there’s no problem there but the police may be able to put some kind of marker on your house so they know to react quickly if they hear from you, plus the police may have some practical suggestions.

OP a friend of mine is a maxillofacial surgeon and hd said 2 of the 3 cases he operated on yesterday were domestic violence. Be careful.

@namechange1st I’m so sorry that this is happening. I agree with what others have said, you need to contact the police and tell them about this and they will support you. Also Women’s aid will be able to support you and have some useful information on their website (they have a button on their website that quickly hides the page if you are worried about him seeing it) and both will be able to help you make a safe plan to leave quickly.

Remember you are not alone and that you have people around you who love you and who support you. Take care x

Everyone else has given fantastic advice - just wanted to say you can do this

I've reported the duplicate thread to be deleted - obviously had juddery fingers when I hit submit.

Thank you for all your responses, I've been trying not to cry while reading them as when you're here in person you make so many excuses for everything as it's always been little things here and there that have slowly crept up in terms of escalation and control.

We both having to work from home during lockdown and he hasn't left the house in over a week for even a walk on his own (he ended up coming with me the other day at the last minute) so I won't be able to make any calls in the house. My mum is no way intimidating but would be here to help (although lives an hour away), my main concern is that the family I'd call on to help with getting things with a van lives with an elderly relative who is vulnerable so is in forced isolation, and while I know he'd still do it, I worry about endangering them as a result.

I will have a look at Women's Aid online today and will try and get out with the girls this afternoon for a walk and make some calls. I feel sick at the thought of calling the police, not because I'm minimising his behaviour, but I think it's so enforced in my mind that I'm the unreasonable one and it's always an overreaction whenever I do pull him up on things (he has a skill for turning any argument against me), but I know it's not, he's just succeeded in making me doubt everything about myself and what has actually happened, that my memory feels foggy.

I have birth certificates and passports in my things anyway, but I won't be able to get proof of earnings as, like with my employer, all payslips are accessed online. Although I imagine if I did leave he'd quit his job and move in with his parents so he wouldn't have to pay any CMS (he threatened this when I was pregnant).

Sorry if this is another ramble and doesn't read well - I've had to write this between helping the girls this morning. And apologies for focusing on the unimportant things in my OP, I'm not as materialistic as my post suggests, when I get anxious I always focus on the unimportant details and obsess about the things that could go wrong rather than looking at the bigger picture (i.e. I know getting us out safe is the important thing, and our things are secondary).

CV guidelines.. See bottom line. Could you send him shopping then leave,?

Op, I wouldn't worry too much about documents etc. Everything material can be replaced, what matters is your safety and your dc's.

You need to take his threats very seriously and I think you should just leave. What he's said to you is very graphic and real.

Everything can be sorted from a distance. None of it matters. Get the hell out.

Do you have a car?