Adult Son Abusive & Refusing to Work - Advice Needed Please

[jm42]

I have a 23 year old son living with me who has been essentially wasting his life for the past 5 years. He's suffered mental health issues and depression which have worstened in the past 18 months since my DH took his life very suddenly. I have tried relentlessly to get him counselling but he refuses.I have supported him endlessly both emotionally and financially from my pension fund, which is dwindling rapidly. My son has Never held down a job for more than a month and refuses to even look for work. I'm widowed and not working, but supporting him for the past few years. Each time I ask him to pay rent and make a contribution he shrugs but never pays any rent to help with the bills / food. He's staying up all night gaming and sleeping in half the day. Meantime he is wasting his inheritance from his father's life insurance a & there is a constant stream of Amazon deliveries to the house of expensive Tech equipment and gadgets, today a very expensive new laptop arrived. I feel extremely resentful and angry. Easter weekend he lost his temper with me when I was on the phone talking to a male friend, screaming at me because I didn't serve his dinner and said he was going to kill the guy I was talking to (which my friend heard). He smashed the patio doors in my house by throwing a dinner plate at them & I was so upset and scared I called the Police. Police said they would arrest him for criminal damage and hold him in the cells overnight but in the end he went to stay at my eldest sons house after my youngest son persuaded them not to arrest him. In spite of me saying I refused to take him back, my eldest son brought him back to the house the following day telling me he's my problem. And my eldest son now blames me for being an irresponsible parent because my 23 year old has deflected all the blame onto me saying I am a bad mother because I didn't serve his dinner and ignored him. I am beside myself, upset and feeling physically sick. I've told my son I want him to move out by the end of July , I want my own space and cannot continue to have him living with me I've done all I can. Advice please, I feel traumatised and lonely because I don't have a partner and my son is sabotaging any chance I have of rebuilding my life, let alone having a relationship with a nice Man. My male friend called me and said he heard everything & now I've lost the chance of building a relationship with someone I like. I feel like my life is being sabotaged. Advice please?

I don’t know what to say,but I’m really sorry you’re going thru that as it sounds awful. It sounds like you’ve done everything you can. Do you think he will ever change? As it doesn’t sound that way. You could be stuck like this for the rest of your life.

Really really sorry to hear this OP, sounds like an awful time for you. What did he say about moving out? At the end of the day its your house. Put your foot down, demand some rent or he stays elsewhere, without those luxury items hes bought with his DFs inheritance. You ate grieving and hurting too. I csn understand why that frightened you. Coming from a past of domestic abuse it would definitely frighten me also.

Has he seen anyone regarding this/his feelings? X

oh OP I'm so sorry.

He is abusing you.

I can't see a way out of this without either you being destroyed, or your relationship with him being destroyed.

If he has inheritance, kick him out. He is an adult.

Soon as isolation is over, wait till he leaves the house, change the locks, pack his gear in bin liners, leave outside. Not an immediate fix, but this is what I’d be doing. No way on Gods green earth would I be sharing a house with someone like this. He’s obviously got funds, he’s a grownup now, time to act like one.

Pack his things and move him out.
Make sure you tell other DC that he needs to go because of abuse and not to bring him back.

I have heard of parents selling and moving to get DC out of home.

He is abusing you.

Next time he attacks you, phone the police. Keep phoning the police. Refuse to allow him back in the house, lock the door on your both your sons.

Give women aid a call. They are amazing service who can support you in this process.

@jm42... You are being abused. Can you tell us about your son's upbringing - anything you feel might have contributed to the way he is? How was he at school, and what were his plans and ambitions for his life? How are his other relationships - with his brothers, friends? How does he behave generally with other people?

There is a book about abusive personalities that you may find useful, even though it is mostly aimed at partners of abusive men. It's by Lundy Bancroft: Why Does He Do That and is available online as a free PDF.

Hi OP. I'm sorry to hear this. My dad went through something similar with my brother. I think the death of my mum triggered mental health problems. In the end dad asked the police to be present while my brother packed his stuff and moved out. Which the police did by appointment. Ask him to move out next week and the police will help. DV is serious. You shouldn't have to live in fear in your item home. Homeless services will be able to help him

Own home - that should say

Jesus, that's some tough break you're getting.
Really sorry for your loss at this time.

I think you need to stick by your guns and have your son leave the house, having him there is not doing either of you any good.
You've done your best now he needs to stand on his own feet.
No reason you can't arrange professional help for him. Doctor, councillors ect but then it's over to him.
Ultimately call the police every time he comes back.
Really tough one.

OP, my heart really goes out to you. I remember an old Guardian article about abuse from children directed towards parents. It is over 1 year old but it contains useful explanations and links (sometimes it helps not to feel alone) :
www.theguardian.com/society/2018/dec/09/what-happens-when-your-child-becomes-violent-with-you

The charity they link to that is specifically focused on violence towards parents is Holes in the Wall:
holesinthewall.co.uk/

Rights of Women is also a very useful site as it contains lots of information about the legal side of property ownership and residence, and domestic violence (which is what you are experiencing):
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/

Finally, I am an avid reader of Ask Annalisa (Annalisa Barbieri on The Guardian). She often adresses issues of family conflicts and here are some of the organisations she often recommends:

www.psychotherapy.org.uk/ (find a therapist for counselling)
www.bpc.org.uk/ (find a therapist for counselling)

www.aft.org.uk/view/index.html?tzcheck=1 (family therapy, if you think this is an option)

A couple of others that might be useful:

www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/traumatic-bereavement (CRUSE bereavement care, sepcifically advice and help on dealing with traumatic death, for your son to consider)

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/# (I am not sure if you would consider yourself "elderly" so please don't be insulted, but this site contains information about abuse of older people and safeguarding that can be put in place, it also contains information about protecting your pension)

for you

@holrosea

Excellent post!

Who is finding the expensive gadgets etc? If you are, stop immediately. If he is, where is he getting the money?
No handouts, no freebies, change the wifi password, basically he needs tough live or he’ll continue in his cushy life ...

My male friend called me and said he heard everything & now I've lost the chance of building a relationship with someone I like

If this man likes you and is a good friend, then your son being abusive won't put him off, he'll just want to support you.

There's something the matter with your son and he's unfit to work (I'm not making excuses for him, but this is probably partly what it is.) Presumably he has been declared unfit to work- or he should be as he's clearly got something wrong with him (this is not to make excuses for him, it's just the way it is. He has mental health problems and they maybe partly hereditary on his father's side, which is no-one's fault.)

You've done the right thing by saying he should leave in July, as he is abusive- What is the plan for ensuring this happens?

If he tries to move back in afterwards, don't let him. If need be, you can officially throw him out now, so he's declared homeless and will be given help by the council to find accommodation.

Hi OP.

I feel for you immensely and hope things start to improve. I'm rubbish at emotional advice, sorry I'm no help there but hopefully practical advice may be useful.

This is to help your son check eligibility for sickness benefits to be able to move out

Universal Credit (online only)

www.gov.uk/apply-universal-credit

If your son has (recorded treated initially via GP) mental health issues he could claim:

ESA: HE Needs to call 0800 169 0310 or website www.gov.uk/employment-support-allowance/how-to-claim

Online claim details and form is

www.gov.uk/government/publications/new-style-employment-and-support-allowance-esa-claim-form
and

PIP: website www.gov.uk/pip/how-to-claim
DWP - PIP claims
Telephone: 0800 917 2222
Textphone: 0800 917 7777
NGT text relay (if you cannot hear or speak on the phone): 18001 then 0800 917 2222
Video relay service for British Sign Language (BSL) users - check you can use the service
Calling from abroad: +44 191 218 7766
Monday to Friday, 9am to 5pm

Or, you can do a benefits calculation on his behalf

www.turn2us.org

Could you change the WiFi password? Call your broadband provider and they can talk you through that - please don't put yourself in danger.

I hope you can find a way to get him to move, safely.

Marchez I don't think the insurance would pay out if cause of death was suicide, correct me of I am wrong?

pinacoladalover it depends on the type of life insurance. Many do, especially after an initial period which can be as little as a year.

He should be able to use the inheritance to get his inheritance, although without a job that might be a challenge.

You don't deserve this abuse and next time don't allow him back in the house.

Please do contact Womens' Aid. A lot of their offices only deal with partner/husband/civil marriage partner types of abuse. There are a very few who deal with children abusing their parents. I am lucky that I have found one reasonably near where I am.
People find it incredible that an adult child would abuse their parents but it does happen. I was reported to Social Services by a Nurse Practitioner who noticed the bruises on me. Social Services were useless. The nurse had a duty to report but probably didn't know how that would turn out.
I noticed that this situation began about the time your husband died. It could have had a psychological effect on your son but that does not give him any right to be attacking you. The abuse I got was ramped up after bereavement too.
After many years of abuses I met someone who also heard me being shouted at sworn at and verbally abused. He spoke up to my AC but there was no stopping AC. I was so disheartened that I barely went out the house. I could not do simple things like clean a kitchen without being abused verbally. I was expected to babysit at a moment's notice but I was never assisted in any way.
Eventually I began to realise that the criticism was stupid. If I was so incapable why were children being left with me. I began building up confidence and have achieved all sorts of small things which make me so proud of myself. I was wondering how to escape all this and thought of moving away but then I thought that was a bit over the top but I see a PP said that she knew someone who moved away. Since the lockdown started I have seen what life is like without all the shouting and swearing and demands for money and babysitting. I like all this peace and quiet, it is so calming. I don't know what will happen after lockdown but I really do not want to go back into all that shouting etc. I am greatly concerned about what may be happening to DGC because they got all the same.

@holrosea excellent advice thank you.

Update - Thank you everyone for your kind advice and support. I have told my son he has to move out by the end of July latest. If he doesn't show any signs of that I will write him a letter giving him notice to vacate so that he becomes officially homeless. He is refusing to discuss with me but says he doesn't want to live at home any more. The expensive kit he's buying is being funded by his inheritance. My son has enough money to afford to move out, and I have told him that he is no longer my responsibility,. We are barely speaking but I feel strangely calm and committed to bringing peace back into my life.

I'm so glad.

You deserve a life too.

Please protect yourself in the meantime. He is a little too explosive for my liking.

I feel for you. I have no wise words as I too have a son who is drifting, depressed and a complete drain.

I know people mean well but things like put your foot sown, stop the WiFi etc all imply you are dealing with someone response and cooperative when clearly we are not!! If only long standing mental health issues and difficult situations were that easy to resolve! That said, I now have an app whereby I can control the WiFi on every single device in the house. At the very least I have been able to use it to get him to shower.

Can I add my thanks to all the posters who have shared practical tips and links as these will be really useful for me too.

Good for you for giving him a clear deadline and I hope you continue with the strength to stick to it. Yes he may be mentally unwell but you have a right to be treated fairly in your own home and there comes a point where he does need to help himself. You deserve a future. Good luck