Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking about the future

45 replies

Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 14:49

I’ve never done anything like this before and feel a bit nervous about posting on here but would really appreciate to hear what’s happened to others.

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and am 35 but lately I just keep thinking are we ever going to get married and start a family? We love each other very much and have a wonderful relationship and are very happy but sometimes I feel like are we ever going to get married and start a family?

We have talked about getting married and having a family ‘one day’ and I know we will be together forever but kinda think what are we waiting for?!

I don’t want him to feel pressured into doing any of this either! I did think about proposing to him over Xmas ( think he would say yes) but I really want him to be the one to ask so I know it’s what he really wants. He is quite a relaxed and cautious person and think maybe he is waiting for the ‘perfect’ time in our lives but I don’t think life necessarily works like that!

Sorry for such a rambling message! Grin interested to hear what other people’s experiences have been!

OP posts:
Anotheronetwo · 14/04/2020 14:58

Sounds like the perfect time is now as you are 35 (when fertility first starts to decline for women) and you are in a happy secure relationship. If you want these things now, tell your partner. It doesn't sound like he doesn't want them, he just doesn't have the personality type to push things forward.

CakeAndGin · 14/04/2020 15:06

You need to have a conversation with him. Let him know that fertility decreases over time and that risk for pregnancy goes up. You can start with a question about how many kids you both want. From there, you can say when you would like to be done with pregnancy (ideally), what sort of age gaps you would like between kids, that you would like to be married before having kids... Mention that it can some couples several years to conceive, even without age being a factor. If he can’t do the math backwards, then tell him the math. Finish the conversation on “I’d really like to get married in the next 18 months (or other appropriate time) to start out family, is that something that seems reasonable to you?” If not, what are the reasons stopping him. You can then work out if he’s actually around for the long haul or just saying he is.

daisypond · 14/04/2020 15:08

You need to have that conversation now.

Original poster
Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 15:49

Thanks for your replies, I know that I have to talk to him about it. I just feel a bit nervous about doing so. I don’t know why as usually I can talk to him about anything! I suppose it’s because I’m worried he will feel that I am trying to push things along before he may be ready? But then I am ready now so I guess we need to compromise somewhere in the middle!

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 14/04/2020 16:12

I am trying to push things along before he may be ready

What's wrong with pushing things along if this is what you want. There's a reason women have to get grown up about these decisions sooner than men. Biology. Nothing pushy about it.

But you're 35 and been together for 5 years and yet not a word from him about marriage or children? Well he's quite happy with the status quo it seems. If he's not ready now then he probably never will be, but there's still time for you to cut your losses and end a relationship that's going nowhere. At least find out what he thinks.

Good luck.

Original poster
Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 16:23

We have talked about marriage and children already and that it is something we both have said that we want. I don’t believe that if he isn’t ready now he will never be, people have to do things in their own time. This doesn’t mean I am a push over and that I’m only doing what he wants, but that I acknowledge that it can’t all be based on what one person wants. I’ll talk to him about it and see where he’s at

OP posts:
KellyHall · 14/04/2020 16:26

If you haven't talked about it recently, how do you know he doesn't feel the exact same way as you?!

Original poster
Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 16:37

That’s a good point Kelly. Maybe I am being too passive and just waiting for him to initiate things? But I think maybe if he felt the same he would have brought it up already?

Last time we talked it was more of a casual conversation where we talked about it all happening ‘one day’. We have had more serious conversations about it in the past though

OP posts:
Miraclescometrue · 14/04/2020 16:38

Do you live together?

Original poster
Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 16:39

Yes we have lived together for a few years

OP posts:
daisypond · 14/04/2020 16:42

Maybe he thinks you’re not bothered either and wants some obvious sign from you that you want to. It’s just best to say outright.

calllaaalllaaammma · 14/04/2020 17:06

There never is a 'perfect time' and you really need to find out if he is willing to go down this road.
It sounds like he's just drifting along but the game changes for women over 35 if they want children.

category12 · 14/04/2020 17:11

You don't have time to faff about if you want kids together.

Have the conversation.

Lennon80 · 14/04/2020 17:15

Lay it on the line because if he doesn’t want it now you need time to find someone else!!

Original poster
Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 17:39

Thanks all. I know he does want the same things as me and I’m not going to throw away my relationship with my incredibly kind and loving boyfriend if he isn’t quite ready to progress things yet but what I do want I suppose is an acknowledgement that he is seriously thinking about this happening soon.

He knows my concerns about wanting to have a child in the next few years too

OP posts:
daisypond · 14/04/2020 17:48

He knows my concerns about wanting to have a child in the next few years too
I’m sorry, but if you are 35 you don’t have time to start thinking about a child in the next few years. What, when you’re 40? It sounds a bit like you (both) are drifting, not making a decision. If you don’t make a decision, then nothing will happen. You won’t get married, you won’t have a child. That’s the default position.

Original poster
Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 17:52

I understand what you are saying but it isn’t as simple as that is it as it’s not just my decision to make! I will have a conversation with him about it

OP posts:
Lennon80 · 14/04/2020 18:00

To be honest a lot of men are never ready - it’s an ultimatum given by many women. How many kids do you want? You do realise it doesn’t always happen right away and can be a rocky road for many women. It’s a joint decision yes but it’s not his body clock ticking and believe me if you lose the chance to have a healthy baby because he’s made you wait about you’ll end up with more resentment than you can imagine.

daisypond · 14/04/2020 18:00

I know. It’s why I said you both need to decide.

Original poster
Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 18:08

@Lennon80 thanks, we would like 2 children but I think would see how we get on with one first! I understand that it may not happen straight away and that the time pressure is on me not him. I don’t want to end up resenting him as you rightly so but also don’t want him to resent me for pushing him into something if he isn’t quite ready. We need to meet in the middle somewhere.

Maybe I have been a bit naive just waiting for things to happen and maybe romanticising things a bit when in reality we just need to have a practical conversation about our plans

OP posts:
daisypond · 14/04/2020 18:12

I really think you need to have it out with him. You need to say you want to get married and have a baby, and if that isn’t going to happen you need to know. You also need to know where your limits are. Would you be happy being married to him but not having a baby? Or would you rather look for someone else?

category12 · 14/04/2020 18:40

You do need a practical discussion - your fertility window is shrinking and if you struggle to get pregnant, your chances of getting NHS help will drop off according to age too.

ChuckleBuckles · 14/04/2020 19:13

I know he does want the same things as me

How to do you know that OP? Because he says so? Yet he sits on his hands and makes no effort to progress to marriage and children, at mid thirties and after five years together.

I think you are taking a softly softly approach as you are nervous of sitting him down and telling him straight as you fear the answer. As someone who was promised marriage and DC "one day" (his exacts words were next year or the year after, he repeated that for many years) don't wait, you don't really know what life holds around the corner and you only get one shot at it.

Original poster
Welshgal85 · 24/04/2020 23:37

Thanks all. Yeah your right @ChuckleBuckles I still haven’t talked with him about it and think it’s because I’m worried that maybe he will say he isn’t ready but I am and I don’t know where things will go from there! I do have a tendency to worry and overthink things but in reality I’m sure it won’t be that bad but something is holding me back from having the chat

OP posts:
Graphista · 25/04/2020 01:20

Honestly? These sort of threads come up SO often and most of the time the truth is...

He’s not that into you.

The man is happy to plod on in comfort but has no real intention of marrying the woman.

If she were to get pregnant he might stick around for a while but he won’t be any more committed to her or to the child, it’s ridiculously easy for men to walk away from their offspring in the Uk with little to no consequences.

Ime (I’m 47) if a man hasn’t proposed within 3 years, he doesn’t truly consider that woman his permanent companion, as far as he’s concerned that woman is just “ok for now”

So often he’ll string her along until she presses the matter or he meets someone else, they split and within a year, 2 at most he’s engaged if not married and a father.

I know this is tough to read/hear but if becoming a mother is important to you, at 35 you don’t have time to waste.

Yes women in their late 30’s and 40’s have babies, but it’s rarely easy at this point for a number of reasons.

Not only declining fertility but increased risk of mc, pregnancy complications, the baby having certain conditions...

It’s up to you to decide if you want to continue to be strung along and risk not becoming a mother.

Words are cheap! Actions are what matter.

Saying “yea I want kids and marriage at some point in the future...” is abstract and non committal

I think what’s holding you back is you fear he’ll make it clear the ending of the above sentence is

“...but not with you”

But if you don’t ask he could make you waste your fertile years hoping he’ll change his mind.

There’s a phrase/meme doing the rounds on sm at the moment, which seems trite but it’s true

don’t let your boyfriend keep you from your husband

There’s a supposed story attached of a woman who spent 10 years with a boyfriend who wouldn’t commit, eventually caught on and ended the relationship and met her husband and married within the year.

Wasting time on a man who only intends on being your boyfriend is pointless and could ultimately be heartbreaking.

Swipe left for the next trending thread