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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thinking about the future

45 replies

Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 14:49

I’ve never done anything like this before and feel a bit nervous about posting on here but would really appreciate to hear what’s happened to others.

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and am 35 but lately I just keep thinking are we ever going to get married and start a family? We love each other very much and have a wonderful relationship and are very happy but sometimes I feel like are we ever going to get married and start a family?

We have talked about getting married and having a family ‘one day’ and I know we will be together forever but kinda think what are we waiting for?!

I don’t want him to feel pressured into doing any of this either! I did think about proposing to him over Xmas ( think he would say yes) but I really want him to be the one to ask so I know it’s what he really wants. He is quite a relaxed and cautious person and think maybe he is waiting for the ‘perfect’ time in our lives but I don’t think life necessarily works like that!

Sorry for such a rambling message! Grin interested to hear what other people’s experiences have been!

OP posts:
Welshgal85 · 25/04/2020 12:16

Thanks @Graphista I appreciate what you are trying to say but I don’t believe ‘he’s just not that into me’, you may think I am being deluded or something but I know the reality of my relationship and think I just need to communicate my feelings with him. I think saying if someone hasn’t proposed by 3 years then they never will isn’t true, I know plenty of friends who have got engaged after much longer than that and they didn’t have to resort to an ultimatum for it to happen. I don’t agree with ultimatums but will have a proper conversation with him asking him where this is all going and explaining how I feel.

OP posts:
Aly92 · 25/04/2020 12:29

You should have had this conversation with him years ago. Five years in and 35 years old and you are still worried about him not being ready. Is he younger than you? Doesn’t sound right to me. If you had brought it up seriously years ago he probably would have been ready by now . You’ve been passive for way too long

tarasmalatarocks · 25/04/2020 13:09

I think you are nervous about having the chat because it feels pushy- the thing is you haven’t got ‘all the time in the world ’ it’s different for men. I think you have to come right to the point.

FizzyGreenWater · 25/04/2020 13:25

it isn’t as simple as that is it as it’s not just my decision to make!

At 35, if you want a family, yes it does have to be your decision to make and you must make it.

You DO need to have the chat, and your reasoning is utterly understandable. You're 35. You need to know what he thinks about starting a family, because you want to start the ball rolling on it now.

If he stalls and says he's not ready, that's absolutely his right - but what you then do NOT do is indulge it. You don't say -'Ok, WE will wait - YOU let me know when YOU are ready.' That is basically you risking your fertility, and it's not reasonable for him to expect you to do that.

Instead you say 'That's a real shame, I am sure you'll understand that I don't have the same luxury of time as you do. I'm going to start looking into freezing my eggs, as well as using donor sperm. In that scenario, it's possible we would still stay a couple but with me going ahead with motherhood without you. The other option is that we split, which I now must think about'.

Don't be surprised if hearing that from you makes up his mind pretty sharpish. A lot of men are very selfishly happy to let this question drift... because deep down, they know that their options are far, far more open. Horribly, there are plenty of women who have felt they can't push this situation - and then end up alone and childless when the man suddenly decides he's ready for fatherhood but it'stoo late/doesn't work out with her... and so he takes off and has his family with someone else.

Don't let that happen to you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 25/04/2020 13:29

Has this got anything to do with him owning the property in his name only?

Graphista · 25/04/2020 13:49

@Welshgal85 that's my point though...you've said pretty much throughout that you're afraid to press the point with him, that's your instinct kicking in sending he's probably not going to give you an answer you like.

As for your friends that got engaged after being in their relationships a long time - how many of them are actually now married? How many are still together after a further 5 years?

That is basically you risking your fertility, and it's not reasonable for him to expect you to do that. exactly!

As I said if becoming a mother is important or even crucial to you, then you need to stop dithering!

You're the one that will have heartbreaking regret if you don't address this.

Dontbeme · 25/04/2020 17:06

Not to hurtful OP but you are 35, together with this guy 5 years and he is moving at the pace of treacle, is he worth giving up your chance of children? Every day that he is indecisive is another day less that you can have a family and the kind of life you want.

At this point it seems to be better the devil you know for you and you seem determined to stick with it. I just hope for your sake that he is worth it as he does not face the same biological time pressure that you do.

Signed 42 year old, who spent 20 years loving a man that wanted to marry me and have kids "one day" then up and left and now I cannot have kids.

Welshgal85 · 25/04/2020 22:23

Thanks all, I do appreciate your advice. Me and my partner are the same age in answer to someone’s question. Someone else mentioned something about a house? We own our house together though I’m not sure what that has to do with this?

@Graphista I have several friends who got married after being together with their partner for many years and they are all actually still married and have been for over 5 years and as far as they tell me they are all still happy in their relationship and we are really close and talk openly about our relationships so I assume they would tell me if they were not.

I had a really honest chat with my boyfriend this evening and we were both really open about what we want and realistic about things. We’ve agreed to start trying for a baby towards the end of the year which we are both really happy about.

I was nervous about having the conservation with him not because I doubt him despite what some people thought and I understand why, it was more about me and my anxiety and tendency to overthink things and unnecessarily worry about things and was worried maybe I was ready before him, not that he didn’t ever want the same things as me as I know he does as we have discussed it seriously before but there have always been other things that felt like more of a priority I suppose like getting our house but know that time is not on my side so are just going to get in with it. I feel a lot better about it all now and excited about the future! Thanks for all your advice!

OP posts:
Graphista · 26/04/2020 03:21

Ttc without getting married?

Who is the higher earner? How much maternity leave do you plan to take? Will you return to work full time? At all? What if you're unable to return to work? If you do return to work who will take time off when dc are sick? To cover childcare eg during school holidays?

All important considerations.

Please don't allow yourself (and dc) to be in a vulnerable position financially in the event of separation, critical illness or death of your partner.

Doesn't have to be a big expensive do, where I live registry office starts from £125

KatherineJaneway · 26/04/2020 05:53

I agree with Graphista's post above.

Interesting that he promised ttc later in the year but not marriage. I suspect something will happen later in the year and it 'won't be the right time'.

FlowerArranger · 26/04/2020 07:11

For goodness sake don't agree to TTC if it's marriage you want!

You and him are on completely different pages. You think you have a wonderful relationship with this caring man, but how much of this belief is actually just in your head?

First he was dithering. Now he is stalling.

He knows you want to get married, but he clearly does not see you as the woman he wants to walk down the aisle with. A kind man does not treat his life partner like this.

That's before you get to all the very important points that @Graphista raised...

Maybe he will agree to conceive and you have a baby together. But don't bet on ever getting married. And don't discount the possibility that he may at some point marry someone else.

Personally I'd make it clear that the time to get married is now, not at some point in the future.

Welshgal85 · 26/04/2020 09:24

Thanks for your messages, we are also planning to get married but tbh a baby is the priority at the moment due to my age as so many of you have pointed out.

I appreciate your concerns but I’m not deluded and know I am not being strung along. We both do want to get married but are happy to do so either before or after a baby so will see how it all goes! Getting married is not as important to me as starting a family.

We earn pretty much the same and my work has a generous maternity scheme which is great and both of our workplaces have flexible working in place so that should all be a big help for both of us.

Thanks again for all of your posts.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 26/04/2020 14:17

I appreciate your concerns but I’m not deluded

Unfortunately you are in this instance.

Welshgal85 · 26/04/2020 14:26

I have to say I am surprised by the tone of some people’s messages on here. I understand that people think they are being helpful and ‘saying it how it is’ but sometimes people think being like that gives them permission to be quite rude and hurtful and not think about how their words may affect others.

It’s my life and for me to decide how to live it. I posted this thread just to find out about other people’s experiences or having similar conversations, not to be told I’m an idiot.

I appreciate others may have had negative experiences that may have jaded them and are trying to warn me but I think there are kinder ways of speaking to people.

I wish you all the best and thank you to those who gave helpful comments. Let’s leave it there now shall we.

OP posts:
Graphista · 26/04/2020 15:34

I'd rather you be "hurt" by what I say here...but then that starts you thinking about and acting to protect yourself and any future dc, than we give you wishy washy "advice" that seems kinder short term but isn't actually honest.

I am a divorcee with 1 dd. We were married 10 years together 14. He was raised by a father who was a divorcé but had a good relationship with his ex wife and was a very involved father who continued to pay half the mortgage and a decent amount of cm without being made to. Before we split my ex was very strongly anti deadbeat dads...

BUT Had I not been married my ex would have got away with:

Emptying our bank accounts days after we split due to his affair.

Taking the family car and leaving some with no transport in the arse end of nowhere with no support network

Taking other items from the family home of value and which left me in great difficulty.

His character changed so much, so quickly his own family thought he was having a breakdown. He wasn't.

I have seen it a thousand times in real life and umpteen times threads on here (go through the relationships and lone parents boards thoroughly!)

Men who dither, string along...wasting a woman's fertile years stalling on marriage and on dc, then ultimately the next woman they're with they marry (before having dc) and have dc with very quickly.

At your age pregnancy will not necessarily be easy, you may well need to leave work on maternity leave earlier than younger women do, if the birth is difficult or heaven forbid the baby isn't in good health, not only might you need longer maternity leave you may be unable to return to work full time if at all.

It doesn't sound as if you (and I mean you singular) are particularly well off to mitigate any potential issues.

In addition bear in mind where a child does have health issues that puts a strain on the strongest of relationships and can often lead to couples breaking up.

We're being blunt because it is necessary. Because we have seen loved ones lives completely wrecked due to not protecting themselves and their dc and don't wish it on you.

We want you to be happy, protected and secure.

As I say please do peruse the relationships, lone parents and dare I say threads concerning children with additional needs.

Yes one hopes and believes things will turn out ok hope for the best BUT prepare for the worst.

It's not even necessarily about your partner leaving.

I have a relative who lived with her partner and their dc, house & significant amount of savings in his name, she was a sahm...

Then he died very unexpectedly in the most awful circumstances. As he had no will it all went to his parents. Prior to his death she had got along well with her "in laws" but as soon as he was gone those good relations went out the window.

She had to move house, move out of the area she'd been living in, return to full time work when she and the dc were very much still grieving, still reeling from all that had happened.

I've also known of a case where it was the man's ex inherited as he was married to his ex wife still and hadn't bothered divorcing or making a will. Partner again had to leave "family" home as it was in his name and she'd no claim on it.

The worst one I know of was a woman who didn't know she wasn't legally married to the man she believed was her husband, as again he'd not bothered divorcing wife 1 and had married "wife 2" bigamously. Again not discovered until after his death.

I also know of a couple where he had a high earning job and was then injured in a car accident and paralysed, job gone, she has to care for him so can't work but there were many problems initially as most of their accounts were in his name and he was incapacitated so couldn't give permissions etc was a nightmare. They eventually got things sorted out but it was a really difficult time for them.

My parents are married but even so they're in their 70's now and both in poor health in various ways, yet they've still planned everything in the event of either one dying from powers of attorney in the event of... to wills, life assurance, organised the ownership of the house appropriately, how they want their funerals, knowing each other's passwords for electronic access etc.

Normally I can understand to a degree people thinking this only need apply to older couples but especially in the current crisis I really think couples need to be prepared.

FlowerArranger · 26/04/2020 16:34

OP.... have a look at thus current thread:

I need help. He won't let me end the relationship and I have no where to go
Today 12:14 Katiebx

This could be you, one day.

Saucy99 · 26/04/2020 16:51

OP don't pay attention to the other posters, it's your life, you lead it how you are fit. Unfortunately most of the posters are extremely bitter about the way their lives have turned out and about men in general. They use these forums to project on what they would like to have done, but this is a situation unique to you and I'm sure, after having read the replies here, you are old enough to make your own decisions.
Best of luck!

Welshgal85 · 26/04/2020 17:01

Again thanks for your concern but I have no intention of ever getting rid of my own money married or not. We have a joint account to pay for joint things like the house, bills, food etc but that’s it, the rest of our money is kept separately and will stay that way. I won’t ever let go of having my own money and my partner would never ask this of me or I him. We pay what we need to jointly, the rest of the money we earn is ours to do with what we wish. I have plenty of my own savings so if something did ever happen to him I could survive financially for quite a while (before or after a baby) and we also have death in service policies at our workplaces where we have both named each other as the recipient of any money from our employers should the worst happen.

We are going to start saving jointly for some money to cover things for when we have a baby, whenever that happens.

I’m not sure what else you want me to say. We are really happy and have plans for the future, I cannot predict what will happen, whether one of us will get ill, whether there will be difficult times ahead etc, I’m sure there will be as that happens in life!

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday x

OP posts:
Welshgal85 · 26/04/2020 17:02

@Saucy99 thank you very much for your kind words, I appreciate it Smile

OP posts:
Ecclesfreckles · 23/12/2025 16:08

Hi @Welshgal85 , not sure if you're still on here, as it's over 5 years later but did you eventually get married?

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