Advice on Pill/Low Sex Drive & General Life Planning!

[MintGreenLife]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here :)

I'm not sure where to start as my situation is quite complicated...

I have been with my parter for 5 years, engaged for 6 months. Our wedding is planned for later this year, and we intended to start trying for a family as soon as we were married. Obviously with everything going on, we are feeling uncertain as to whether our wedding will even be able to go ahead, and then that puts a spanner in our other plans too.

We have discussed if we cannot have our 'weddin'g as planned, instead we will get married in a registry office and have the 'party' at a later date when safe to do so, but if this is how things pan out, we have also agreed that we may as well start trying for a baby sooner as I don't mind being pregnant for a registry office wedding. All this uncertainty has sent me into a spin of worry and confusion though, all surrounding my pill.

So I was planning on coming off of it straight after our wedding, but now that might not go ahead, I thought I would come off it now, to allow my body some time to get back into it's natural cycle, if we are to start trying in a couple of months time. I'm 31 and have been on the pill 13 years.

I have written a list of pros and cons, and ultimately I would really like to come off it, but there are a few things worrying me...

1. I have had a non-existent sex drive for a couple of years now. I hadn't thought much about it before, but the doc changed my pill a few years ago, and one of the side effects of that specific pill is reduced libido. I know it's not an issue with the relationship, as I have no sexual thoughts or feelings whatsoever, so it's an issue with me and low libido. When we do have sex I enjoy it, but I never feel inclined to do so, if that makes sense. What I'm hoping is that in stopping the pill, my sex drive will return, but I'm terrified that it might not, and then this is extra worry on top of everything that's happening, and whether the wedding will go ahead or not etc.

1. Is it a terrible idea to come off the pill a few months before getting married. I'm worried my periods will be awful, and that I could end up with spots etc as heard this can happen.

I feel like with this being so personal I can't really share with friends and family so would really appreciate some advice. I guess what I'm asking is if anyone else had issues with sex drive on the pill, and also what their experience of coming off the pill was?

I just feel very muddled as everything is so up in the air - do I come off the pill or not now, do I leave it longer, are we going to be able to get married as planned, or if not should we start trying for a baby sooner...you can probably see why I'm feeling so confused as everything is basically dictated by what happens with this virus, and I know a lot of others will be feeling very muddled and unsure about everything too :(

Would appreciate some advice and experiences of anyone else that found they had a low sex drive on the pill/how they found coming off it etc. Thanks :)

I can’t help you with the baby stuff as I’m childfree by choice, but I came off the pill after nearly ten years (longer off and on) in November.

My sex drive had been almost non-existent for a few years, though a lot of that was down to several horrendously stressful things happening during that time, which I’d put it all down to.

However my sex drive came back immediately when I stopped the pill, it’s amazing the difference (caveat - I am also much less stressed at the moment).

I originally started taking the pill in my teens because i had very irregular, painful periods. I was later diagnosed with PCOS. The weird thing now that I’m off it (age 38), is that my periods are like clockwork for the first time in my life. They’re also much lighter than they used to be. I can also tell when I’m ovulating (sex drive goes way up) - I even felt the ovulation happening last month.

It’s odd to suddenly learn and feel so much about my body after all these years, I really notice what the different stages in the cycle do to eg my appetite. I’m enjoying it though.

Obviously that’s just my experience, I am not a doctor etc etc.

I came off the pill 10 years ago after having 3rd baby and it was the best thing ever.

Pros - I have a sex drive! Especially during ovulation whoaaaaaa. And sex has been so so much better.
My moods are better.

Cons - although my period is very regular you can nailed on bet it comes every time we have a rare night out.

Cons - although my period

Hi AndSheSteppedOnTheBall :)

Thanks so much for your reply - if I'm honest I find it so difficult to talk about things like sex drive etc with friends and family, especially as for ages I've felt like there's something wrong with me, so it's good to know it's not just me and finally speak to someone about this.

That's really interesting and this is what I'm hoping happens with me. I've read up loads online about the pill and sex drive, and it actually appears to be a more common issue than doctors etc might claim.

Sorry hit enter before I had finished typing...

Ha I'm clearly not good with this system! Best avoid hitting enter to type on the next line... What I'm worried about is like you I have been on the pill 10 years + and I have no idea what my adult body is really like without it and what my periods will be like. As a teenager they were so heavy and painful, so I'm worried this might return, but I guess I won't know until I've tried. I've never thought about it really, but it's kind of awful how you almost feel stuck on it for fear of coming off it...

I had no negative effects from coming off the pill and was rather pleased to find that I had a libido after all. I also felt mentally alert and alive for the first time in years. After I had my first baby, my periods became the flood, but it wasn't worth it to me to go back on the pill to fix it.

Hi DressesWithPocketsRockMy World :)

Wow this is so interesting, I've honestly suffered with my sex drive for a few years now and it's caused a lot of upset. I've suffered in silence for worrying there was something wrong with me and I had never really thought about the fact that it could be my pill causing the issue. I've been torn as to whether stopping is the right choice right now, although would be stopping anyway in a few months to start a family, but from the responses so far I think it sounds like it's well worth a try if for no other reason than to help with my sex drive :)

I am worried about possibly causing myself issues (bad skin, painful periods) right before getting married, but at the moment I have no clue as to whether that will even be able to go ahead, so feel like I could end up putting it all off for nothing x

I think it’s common for GPs (and society in general) to undervalue female sex drive. Libido was never mentioned to me as a side effect in all these years, it was all breast cancer and blood clots.

Can you talk about it with your partner? My husband and I had to learn to talk about this issue, although it felt awkward at first because everyone internalises the romantic notion that sex should forever be like it was in the first year.

Hi @CallItLoneliness

Thanks so much for your message :) it feels really good to find people that have had the same problem! The replies on this thread are really encouraging and I feel much more positive about stopping the pill now. Who knew the pill could kill your sex drive...seems kind of ironic!

You can always go back on the pill if you preferred it that way.

I was very surprised to find that my periods are regular now. One of the things I hated when I was younger was often having to take pregnancy tests because irregular periods (obv I was using condoms but you never know, and I have fear of pregnancy!)

@CallItLoneliness Also very interesting about feeling that it made you feel more alert, as for some time now I've felt tired and generally 'meh' - perhaps the pill (and the new one) haven't been agreeing with me for some time now x

@AndSheSteppedOnTheBall

You're totally right, and having issues with libido can be really distressing, so I'm not sure why it's overlooked so much.

I spoke to my partner last night and he's keen for me to come off it because of the chance it might be that causing the issue with my sex drive, and this is where I feel scared as if it doesn't help then where do we go from there. I don't want to pin all my hopes on it, but from what I've read and what others have said I'm sure it must be at least contributing to the issue. I was going to come off it in a few months regardless, so I suppose what do I have to lose in trying now. I just know what I'm like and if it doesn't kick back in fairly sharpish I'll worry about it, and then there's the other concerns of possible bad skin, heavy periods etc. I'm an over thinker, can you tell

@AndSheSteppedOnTheBall

That's very true - I have one pack left of my pill, so I guess if in a few months time it's all going terribly and seems it's not right for me I could start taking it again. Having never come off of it I have no idea how my body will react, it's the fear of the unknown that's making me worry

Not entirely related to your situation but reading this about having a low sex drive whilst on the pill is like a piece of puzzle clicking into place for me, I don't know why i haven't made the connection before! I'm 32 and been on the pill for over 10 years, i always thought it worked fine for me but over the last few years my libido has definitely plummeted, like you to having no sexual thoughts or feelings but enjoying sex when I got into it. It's like a revelation! Unfortunately I am now single because of the reasons above (ex went elsewhere...) but it's something I would now definitely consider, so thank you in a way! I also feel tired and meh a lot of the time. Which pill are you on if you don't mind me asking? Sorry I'm derailing slightly :)

I’m an overthinker too, I know the feeling.

I think it’s very important that you have an extremely honest conversation with your partner and be sure that you both know the pill thing may not be a miracle cure. I am certain that the two extremely stressful years we had were a big contributor to the problem.

As an overthinker I am prone to worrying about things I can’t control, so even now that I have a sex drive again, it can be affected by stress.

My point is, things are much better, but it still ain’t the first year, and it never will be - there are hormones when you’re in the first flush of a relationship that are meant to make you horny as hell to bond you.

Re: women’s sex drives, it’s been 50 years since The Female Eunuch but it’s still very much ingrained in society that women aren’t expected to enjoy sex as much as men, and that their libido is not as important as other aspects of their lives. There is a vastly smaller body of medical research into women’s bodies and minds, and vastly less funding into female-specific issues. Compare against the money that is chucked at treatments for male impotence.

@Jonsnowsghost

Glad to have been of some help in a way :) it massively helps me too to know it's not just me struggling with this, and that there may be an answer!

I'm on Millinette - my pill got changed a few years ago as the one I was on before became more expensive and this was a close match, but it was around the same time it got changed that I started having these problems, and I had never really made the connection.

Sorry to hear your partner ended up doing that, as if you're like me you'll probably feel like you wish you had a sex drive, but that it's almost like someone has turned it off and you can't find the switch to put it back on again. It's very upsetting and frustrating, especially so in the instance where your partner isn't able to be patient and understanding as in your situation. I hope for both of us that this could be the answer xx

That's exactly it, like a switch has gone off and I'm not interested at all, but I am and I really wanted to but it was frustrating as I also didn't! Very odd feelings about it all. It's not something I ever would have thought about as having an effect, especially as I do get on with taking the pill normally, and it works fine with everything else - I never even considered it!
We're not on the same one but having a quick google seems that others are having the same problem with most brands.

Patience and understanding were things he definitely didnt have 😅 but I guess if I didn't make that connection about it all then I wouldn't have known how to fix it anyway, ah well, hopefully I will for the next person.

@AndSheSteppedOnTheBall

I did say to him last night that it might not be the answer, and that I was feeling quite worried as to where we go from there if it doesn't help, and he reassured me that it wouldn't be a problem and we would work through it. I feel very lucky to have such an understanding partner to be honest.

We too have had a stressful couple of years, so I'm sure that can't have helped things. Think I'm like you by the sounds of things - if something is worrying me then sex is completely off the cards as I find it hard to think about anything else.

I think you're totally right - it's important to be realistic and not to think we will go back to what we were like when we first met. I'm glad you said this as sometimes I worry it should still be like that after 5 years, but that's totally not the case and not realistic.

Hmm that's so interesting about female libido - no wonder we end up suffering in silence when we are struggling with it!

@Jonsnowsghost

It's worth a try coming off it to see if it helps just for yourself :) it's a very strange problem to have and I have found myself often just trying to get on with things and put it to the back of my mind telling myself it's normal, and other times wondering if there's something wrong but feeling like I had no one to ask. I knew deep down it wasn't normal, but made it easier to deal with telling myself it was. So glad I posted this!

That's exactly how I feel! Wondering what the hell is wrong with me but feeling like I had no one to ask, thinking that it's 'normal' because I'm getting older or whatever so just dismissing it. I guess now is a good time to try!
I'm so glad you've posted too, makes me feel a lot better about myself :)

It's such a revelation to know it's not just you that's been feeling this way isn't it :) Hope it's the answer and things work out for us both x

I would come off your pill when you are ready to begin trying. If you aren't ready to try and a surprise pregnancy now wouldn't be great for you, then I'd stay on until that is no longer the case.

I was on the pill for 13 years and also 31 when we first decided to TTC. I stopped my pill when we were ready to start and was pregnant the 2nd month. I went back on it when dc1 was 5 months old and stayed on til I was ready to try again. Came off, pregnant again 2nd month. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage, but I was pregnant again a month later. I was 36 by then.

Based on my personal experience, I don't think there is an advantage to coming off the pill early. I got pregnant easily even into my mid-late 30s. I didn't necessarily find any difference in sex drive off the pill (it's not particularly high), but that may be more related to the fact that though I'm now off the pill, we have 2 small dc, limited opportunities for sleep, and stressful professional lives. I definitely had a higher sex drive in my 20s and childfree on the pill than I do in my late 30s without any hormonal contraception - but that's probably just because I'm not relaxed and well-rested and 25 anymore.

There are other things you can do as well as come off the pill. I’ve made a resolution to improve our sex life and my husband and I have discussed taking positive steps, not just waiting for it to happen.

I find the more we do it the more we want to do it. It strengthens our relationship.

One thing I’ve tried to do since getting my sex drive back is to try to act on it when I do feel in the mood - it was very easy over the last few years to ignore it when I was tired. Also because I was so stressed all the time my husband got out of the habit of trying to initiate, because he didn’t want to upset me or feel rejected. I’ve asked him to initiate more and vowed to myself to make sure he doesn’t feel rejected if I’m not in the mood.

Talking honestly is SO important.

This is all very new to us so I’m hoping we get into a better phase over the next few years. I’m also working on not letting stressful things get to me so much (though it feels like an impossible project sometimes), because adult life is just one bloody thing after another.

Thanks for your advice :) I do find when we get back into the swing of things it comes more naturally, whereas if it's been a week or so then I can keep putting it off. We have a similar thing in that my partner doesn't initiate it as he doesn't like to feel like he's putting me under pressure, so he doesn't initiate it any more. Maybe we should try the same as you and I should encourage him to feel OK initiating again x

@mindutopia

Thanks for your message and for a different perspective :) I know that you can ovulate in your first cycle after stopping the pill, but have read that generally it can take around 3 months for your cycle to come back. I'm finding myself very torn - one minute I'll decide coming off it is the right thing, the next I'm unsure again. We plan on using condoms for the short term to avoid a surprise pregnancy, so that shouldn't be a worry. I keep going back and forth between feeling like it's worth a try and seeing if it makes a difference now, as I would be coming off it soon anyway to start a family, and then going back and thinking maybe it's best not to rock the boat right before getting married and that I'd be best waiting. Not sure why I'm finding this so tricky!