Advice NEEDED

[KindaConfused20]

Hello everyone, thankyou for taking the time to read my post.

I would like to share my experience as a partner living with someone who has agoraphobia and hope that you can offer me some advice / understanding.

I am 25 years old, been with my partner 3 years this month and married since July last year.

Anyways here's the story leading up to now

Me and my wife met 3 years ago, I noticed that she had a fear of the smell of cannabis. She would run away in public if someone was using it, I thought this unusual but did not judge.

After 6 months we moved in together, I began to notice she was awake throughout the night extremely often and she would tell me the next morning it was anxiety keeping her awake.

Eventually I recommend she got some therapy as she was hardly sleeping, slacking at work, her mothers terminally ill in a care home and her father is not handling that well so we "parent" him so to speak also she had been physically abused in a past relationship.

She had several sessions with a hyponotherpaist who made alot of progress with her, her sleeping habits return back to normal and she was back to her old self.

We moved into a bigger house, both got better jobs and got engaged, lived a normal life (minus her fear of cannabis, our neighbour smoked it so this became an issue to the point she began to tape the letter box up at night incase the neighbour "blew smoke through the letterbox".) I thought this was odd but everyone has there quirks right?

Then began the agoraphobia.

She began panicking anytime we were not at home and I had to take her straight home, it started with long distance and got smaller and smaller to the point she couldnt leave town. She became terrified of traffic. Each time she got stuck in traffic in a part of town she stopped going there until there was next to nowhere she would go.

This carried on for months which was manageable l, I made all important journeys by myself, we got her working from home, we got married near to home etc.

Then she began to call me back from work ( an hour and a half drive ) saying she was panicking, this became so regular that I lost my work, she began threatening that I could not come home if I left for work and that I wouldn't do it if I loved her.

Since then I have got work close to home but she now restricts my whole life.

I can not leave the house for more than 1 hour at a time if I am close by ( 1 mile ) she has to know where i am exactly and I can expect to recieve several phone calls during that time to check on me and my location is checked by snapchat. Often when I try to leave I will drive down the road and get called home.

If she has to go into her work office near our house then I have to sit in the car and wait for her with the same threats. I can be there for up to 6 hours.

Whenever I try talk to her about it she tells me she will try to let me go more but she doesn't, she just says it to get through another day.

The worst part is I have to hide it from everyone, no body knows. She forces me to lie and I am constantly making excuses and looking unreliable to everybody I know and any work opportunity that comes my way I am prevented from taking.

Over time this has been effecting me mentally and has put a strain on our relationship to breaking point.

I have no freedom, I have to ask to go for a walk and even then I am rarely allowed to go.

I am beginning to feel trapped but I love my wife and we have so much together.

I spent hours a day thinking I want to leave and it makes me feel sick because I love her but I hate being trapped.

How can I help her?

Will she ever recover?

What do I do when she won't even tell the truth to a therapist ?

Am I wrong for wanting to leave the marriage ?

Anything you can offer me as advice would be greatly appreciated.

*solidifies
*your

She doesn't need a private therapist, she needs ongoing psychiatrist support and a full mental health assessment. This doesn't sound like just agoraphobia at play and you need to speak to your GP as soon as you can. Be prepared for threats, guilt trips and a barrage of abuse as it's unlikely she'll be happy with the intervention but needs must. If you don't think you can handle the fall out, then leave and if she threatens suicide, call an ambulance and she will be taken into hospital anyway. Either way, this can't carry on for your sake or hers.

I think you need to sit down and have a calm discussion with your wife.

Let her know how important it is for both of you and your marriage for her to take steps to try and relieve the pressure from you. She has to tell the truth to therapists.

It sounds like there are other mental health issues going on here as well as agoraphobia.

She is abusive. This is an abusive relationship. Using her mental health as a reason is just an excuse. Plenty of people with MH are not abusive.

@KindaConfused20 I agree with the pps. But, the fact that this is abuse, doesn't mean she intends to upset you, if that makes any sense. I don't think this is coercive control. It is abuse, but as a consequence of her MH. I'm no expert but I also totally agree this isn't just agoraphobia. You love her and the right thing to do is get her proper help, via Drs not therapists. She needs to be in a system. You've been trying to work etc and be her therapist/psychiatrist/whatever and that's too much. For both your sakes.
I've read everything I think, how is lockdown affecting this?

@PolloDePrimavera I will be honest it has been pretty easy on the relationship side of things throughout the lockdown as I have no reason to leave home. This worries me though as she learns new behaviour very quickly and I have the feeling when the lockdown is lifted I am going to have even less freedom as she's used to me being st home 24/7 now

The other issue is now that I'm not rushing around day to day. I have had time to reflect on my life. I said to myself yesterday "This is a madness". I feel like the forum is really helping me to wake up and take control.

It is a madness.
It has occurred by degrees you see...that’s why you haven’t been able to view the situation objectively. If when you had initially got together with her, you’d been subject to her extreme control, suicide threats, emotional instability and self-absorption, you would have rightly run a mile with the nutter klaxon going off.
Now you’ve got all of that in abundance but as it has been introduced gradually, you have adapted and accepted it as your normal.
Look again my friend, it’s very fucked up.

Hi there @KindaConfused20.

What a horrible situation for you to be in. And for her. It sounds very distressing for both of you. I'm sorry that you've lost a job over this and feel as though you are losing control of your life.

You said that hypnotherapy sessions helped in the past. With her unwillingness to leave the house, could you look into having someone come to your home to work with her?

I would also engage with social services here and your local community mental health team (you can do this via the GP). Obviously we are in very unusual times here and these services won't be a priority atm. But I expect that you are experiencing less issues with the lock down and not being able to leave physically so often.

You need to be firm with your wife. I know it sounds easier than it is, but you really do. Tell her that you have to work, explain to her the consequences of missing work for her needs. Talk to her about the benefits of medication and listen to her concerns about it. But be firm that if she doesn't take it, you will leave. This is ultimately what she fears. Present it to her as a reality.

My grandmother is Agoraphobic and she would have us checking behind the wardrobe and in the bins for suspicious items or intruders before locking her in her house, she would drink diazepam before leaving her house and getting her on a bus is nigh on impossible. But it's no way for someone to live, especially someone young.

My grandmother gets regular check ins and visits from the mental health nurse now. She's on a mix of medication that makes it easier to get her out. She still has panic attacks, she still loses night's sleep due to her anxiety, but it's more manageable.

You just need help.

Op I have suffered with panic attacks which led to agrophobia. When the panic attacks were at their worst I did not want my husband to leave because the panic attacks were so overwhelming I thought I was going to die. He never gave in to my pleas, just gave me calm reassurance, helped me get my breathing under control and then went out or whatever was needed.
We also had a 2 year old daughter and I knew life had to carry on for her, she couldn't live her life trapped inside. Sometimes I could go out , if I panicked I would come home but they would stay at the activity or outing. I was seeing my gp and was on medication but nothing helped, until eventually I was diagnosed with delayed post natal depression and prescribed anti depressants. I also paid for hypnotherapy. It took another 3 months but I will never forget the day I was able to take my daughter to nursery on my own and from there I never looked back. I sometimes have a little wobble but I understand I am having an abnormal response to a normal situation and just get my breathing under control. It's over 25 years ago, but I have not forgotten how it felt and I find it hard to recognise how I behaved and how dependent I was, even though I know I couldn't help it, anymore than if I had a broken leg.
I know you are trying to be kind to your wife but you aren't helping her you are enabling the illness to control her behaviour and reduce her world. She needs to visit her GP and she needs treatment and support. It is possible to get better, it took me over 2 years from it first showing itself fully. I hope your wife is able to get her life back and you too.

I’m not dismissing the fact that she may well be ill either...but you can’t cure her. You’re not qualified to. No one expects that of you.
If she won’t consider seeking support through the appropriate channels I don’t see what choice you have but to leave.

I’m of the persuasion that she’s fully aware of the impact her behaviour has on you. That she threatens suicide to keep you in her thrall, is dreadful.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you can extricate yourself.

Please don't hate me for this but is there any way you are able to get your wife sectioned? It sounds crazy I know, but having worked in mental health it's a long process for the individual but helps massively. I'm so so sorry you are going through this, I would love to read that you and you wife have escaped that life and continuing your marriage with a happy healthy life x

Emotional blackmail is awful. I was with someone who said they'd take their own life if I left

It is always a cry for help. People might try. But they use it for leverage.

Please don't allow this. Kee a copy of all texts. Of all the threats.

Go to a dr. Ask for help. Social services can help xx

So you’ve read pages and pages of advice now
So what’s is
your plan off action???

Are you too running away? Because that’s what your doing
Your not addressing this head on, and in a way letting her control you to the extent it as got to.
So take some responsibility yourself for this mess

She is terrified of what is going on in her mind/body and YOU are scared of the control you’ve let her have on you

You need to have a calm and open honest heart to heart talk
That means YOU telling wife exactly what pressure you feel her illness is having On your life.
How you feel trapped
That she needs help
What she is doing to herself and you is not normal behaviour
She needs mh help (although lockdown is good nhs wise)
She will never get better if she won’t be honest,
Does she want to settle for living 1 Mike radius of home

You need to be open and honest yourself with her and not bottle it up
You need to say if she doesn’t get long term help ( not 3 appointments) start to be open with who is involved
If she can’t/won’t engage with this, then you have no choice but to end your marriage

Yes there will be tears, tantrums, threats maybe screaming shouting
But YOU have to have this TALK

@granadagirl I have taken in all of the advice I have been given and the one thing I am sure of now is that this has to come to and end one way or another.

I have tried talking to her about how I feel but she says “imagine how I feel” and tells me to stop because I’m making her feel bad.

I do have a plan, she is not going to be reasonable with me if I decide to leaving failing her accepting help .

I’m getting things in order so that I can leave but having to do it without her noticing.

I’ve managed to open a bank account as all of our accounts are shared so that I could have wages paid into there as she will more than likely empty the accounts before I make it down the street.

Taking it account the lockdown we are currently in I’m staying out right now, once I can go back to work I am going to give her the choice to go to the GP, be 100% honest, take any help / medicine given. If she fails to do it then I am going to go.

The advantage of my job is I can pick up work anywhere, if I go I won’t be staying in town I will be leaving for good and that will be the end of the marriage.

I really hope that’s not the case but I don’t have any other choice when I’m making her worse and I’m suffering too.

Taking it account the lockdown we are currently in I’m staying PUT right now

That's the right thing, tough love. Good luck and let us know?

Hi
I’ve pm’d you, look at top of page right hand side

Good luck man.
I would normally suggest selling a few things on ebay that she wont miss to try build up some funds but ppl arent really buying rn. Hopefully you'll get back to work soon :)

Just remember if you feel threatened at any point,you can call the police or leave.

Stay strong!