Advice NEEDED

[KindaConfused20]

Hello everyone, thankyou for taking the time to read my post.

I would like to share my experience as a partner living with someone who has agoraphobia and hope that you can offer me some advice / understanding.

I am 25 years old, been with my partner 3 years this month and married since July last year.

Anyways here's the story leading up to now

Me and my wife met 3 years ago, I noticed that she had a fear of the smell of cannabis. She would run away in public if someone was using it, I thought this unusual but did not judge.

After 6 months we moved in together, I began to notice she was awake throughout the night extremely often and she would tell me the next morning it was anxiety keeping her awake.

Eventually I recommend she got some therapy as she was hardly sleeping, slacking at work, her mothers terminally ill in a care home and her father is not handling that well so we "parent" him so to speak also she had been physically abused in a past relationship.

She had several sessions with a hyponotherpaist who made alot of progress with her, her sleeping habits return back to normal and she was back to her old self.

We moved into a bigger house, both got better jobs and got engaged, lived a normal life (minus her fear of cannabis, our neighbour smoked it so this became an issue to the point she began to tape the letter box up at night incase the neighbour "blew smoke through the letterbox".) I thought this was odd but everyone has there quirks right?

Then began the agoraphobia.

She began panicking anytime we were not at home and I had to take her straight home, it started with long distance and got smaller and smaller to the point she couldnt leave town. She became terrified of traffic. Each time she got stuck in traffic in a part of town she stopped going there until there was next to nowhere she would go.

This carried on for months which was manageable l, I made all important journeys by myself, we got her working from home, we got married near to home etc.

Then she began to call me back from work ( an hour and a half drive ) saying she was panicking, this became so regular that I lost my work, she began threatening that I could not come home if I left for work and that I wouldn't do it if I loved her.

Since then I have got work close to home but she now restricts my whole life.

I can not leave the house for more than 1 hour at a time if I am close by ( 1 mile ) she has to know where i am exactly and I can expect to recieve several phone calls during that time to check on me and my location is checked by snapchat. Often when I try to leave I will drive down the road and get called home.

If she has to go into her work office near our house then I have to sit in the car and wait for her with the same threats. I can be there for up to 6 hours.

Whenever I try talk to her about it she tells me she will try to let me go more but she doesn't, she just says it to get through another day.

The worst part is I have to hide it from everyone, no body knows. She forces me to lie and I am constantly making excuses and looking unreliable to everybody I know and any work opportunity that comes my way I am prevented from taking.

Over time this has been effecting me mentally and has put a strain on our relationship to breaking point.

I have no freedom, I have to ask to go for a walk and even then I am rarely allowed to go.

I am beginning to feel trapped but I love my wife and we have so much together.

I spent hours a day thinking I want to leave and it makes me feel sick because I love her but I hate being trapped.

How can I help her?

Will she ever recover?

What do I do when she won't even tell the truth to a therapist ?

Am I wrong for wanting to leave the marriage ?

Anything you can offer me as advice would be greatly appreciated.

She needs help and sometimes someone is so resistant that they have to hit absolute bottom.
Her illness is making her extremely controlling. She's trying to manage her anxiety by controlling you.
That's wrong. She can't see that you are a human being with their own feelings.

I know it's hard but I would advise you to give her one chance to access help or you will have to end the relationship. Tell her you love her and will give her all the support you can but she has to do her part too because you cannot live the rest of your life like this.

You are saying what battered wives have said for all time. Just because you are a man, it doesn't mean you're not being abused and just because she's a woman, it doesn't mean she isn't dangerous.

If she gets the help she clearly desperately needs, she's got a much better chance of being the nice version of her. By you pandering to her, she's getting progressively worse. She's not doing anything to help herself and neither of you have told anyone, so the only person with any power to change this situation is you!

Look at the Mind website:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/legal-rights/sectioning/about-sectioning/

No! You cannot and must not put up with this.
Leave if you have to but it's time to get tough.
If she refuses to seek help for her mental heaolth problems immediately then you leave.
My mother did this as used it as a big stick to manipulate the entire family my whole life 60 years and is still doing it.
I won't tolerate it and I've left. It's a massive relief and I am not spending my whole life being manipulated.
Star getting tough. Go to work, turn the phone off while you are there.
Contact the mental health team and issue ultimatums to your wife.
When I see my mother now she doesn't try any of this stuff with me because she knows damned well I'll walk straight out. The rest of the family are still being manipulated from pillar to post and don't have a life at all.

@Welshgal85 , @Vettiyalruken & @KellyHall. Thankyou for your help, I really appreciate it

It will take a lot of strength to do what is needed but frankly not doing anything is no longer an option.

Sending you a handhold!

@madcatladyforever I have to be prepared to give up my home etc immediately if I do that, which obviously right now isn’t an option. But from what I’ve learned from this forum today 8 think I will start to get my affairs in order and plan to leave

I'm really pleased you can do this. It will be the best thing for you both in the long run. She needs to learn she can't treat people this way.

You will be ok.

This level of control is extreme.

I really for you op, and for your wife, but to a lesser extent. You are doing your best to help her, but she has gradually got worse and worse since you met her. She is clearly very seriously mentally ill. Without therapy and medication she won't get better, and she is refusing both. You need to start putting yourself first. I think you really need to leave before your own mental health starts to suffer. And please be open about this to people in real life, you are going to need support.

Yes please talk to the people around you about it. Have you both got family nearby that you can talk to about it?

@Welshgal85 only my mother who is heavily biased because she doesn’t like what’s happening and has never got on with her anyway.

But to be honest I really just wanted some clarity to make sure I I’m not being a bad person thinking that I want to escape all of this. I often think about going and I would leave her everything and only take enough money to survive because I don’t want her to be upset I’ve left and not have a home or have to worry she’s losing her home.

But it's your home too OP. Don't give up everything if you do leave, be fair but don't do yourself out of anything at the same time.

Will she be able to look after the pets?

I think you need to see your GP and tell them everything about her too.

You seem to be planning the most extreme option. Instead of planning to leave, tell her you are popping out for half an hour. Ignore any histrionics when you go and when you get back. Then go for an hour again ignoring any histrionics again . Let her know she can choose not to leave the house but she doesn't get to control you leaving the house. Just don't answer calls and texts when you are out.
Why don't you try this first?

I think your mother may see things pretty clearly and her judgement isn’t hindered by the love you have for your wife. Sadly you’re in love with the woman you want her to be not the woman she is actually is. If the roles were reversed there’s no way people would be advising your wife to stay with you - not a hope. Having a diagnosis of a condition ( firstly doesn’t guarantee that that’s what she actually has) doesn't give her licence to continue behaving the way she does. Saying she doesn’t trust medication is a complete cop out - it’s too bad. Sorry but I think it’s time to get firm and mean it.

This sounds incredibly hard OP. I think, especially because you're afraid she might do things like sabotage your work if you were to leave, you ideally need to get evidence somehow of how she is treating you.

Obviously do this safely, it may just be a question of holding on to texts or emails, but if you're worried your livelihood is at stake then it may help.

@KindaConfused20, you need a counsellor not a councillor.

You are not a bad person. You are being controlled. Seek help.

She is very mentally unwell. I feel for you in this situation, you are not a bad person, nor are you going mad. You are at the end of your tether and understandably so. You will break if you carry on.
You are being manipulated and controlled to an extreme degree which is going to do a lot of damage your own mental health and stability if it continues.

It cannot continue. Every time you cooperate with her unreasonable demands you are enabling her to continue with her irrational, skewed behaviours. They will not improve but will get worse.
Your wife needs to be sectioned and whilst being cared for professionally, to learn how to be responsible for her health and her life.

She has no right to destroy your happiness and disrupt your life to the point you can hardly earn a living and are clearly unhappy. You are not responsible for her happiness. I do not like the threats she makes, all mind games and twisting everything round so it is all about her.

You've done your bit. It isn't working. She needs to go into hospital now. You should meantime lead an independent and free life, find some peace and enjoy life more. Tough love works if it is meant that the marriage will work out. But being together in the ways you are, it won't survive anyway. Your mother sounds concerned and is probably your best support now as she seems to realise what is going on.

@KindaConfused20 you don’t sound like a bad person at all! I think you need to think about yourself a little bit more and reach out to people like your mum who can help.

I really hope that you are able to find a way forward and get some support for yourself

@KindaConfused20

That is unbelievably extreme levels of control. No one can be expected to live such a life. I understand she has agoraphobia which is debilitating, my aunt hasn't left her home in 30 years. It is very real, and the fear runs very deep, I get that. However, her mental illness cannot be used an excuse for the frankly quite cruel behaviour she is expecting you to tolerate every time you set foot out of the house. It will kill you inside eventually. She has to have counselling and medication but if she won't cooperate then I would say, for your own sanity, you need to leave.

Let us know.. Good luck xx

Hi op
Your dw is having massive panic attacks
They started small
Instead of sitting with it , as pp mentioned she's run away
She has become an expert at avoidance.

But it's not a long term solution.
Her world is shrinking.

She needs to go back to therapy and they can help her to breathe / sit through her anxiety

It takes time but her world will open up again.

You have become an enabler.
Without you it would be a lot more difficult for her to carry on the avoidance.

Life is tough and many people would just want to throw the covers back over our head in the morning- but we don't because we know that we can do this.

Just a question but is there any pay off to you , for her being so dependant on you ?

Has this agoraphobia been professionally diagnosed, and were you actually in the room when she was given the diagnosis?

This seems like an extremely controlling and abusive relationship, and she holds all the cards. She refuses to let you go anywhere, she refuses to let you tell anyone why you are late for work or have to go home early, she refuses to take medication, she won't let you leave and blackmails you with the threat of suicide if you try.

She could be mentally ill, but her mental health is not your responsibility, it can't go on like this, and you need to leave before she starts affecting your mental health as well.

I hope you are able to sort things out soon, and if you go to counselling, go by yourself.

As a high secure mental health worker I think you need to get her assessed, even if the mental health team have to come and visit her at home. If she is a good and loving wife to you, with the right treatment she will see how much she has affected your life and she will eventually be voluntarily taking her medication. Unfortunately I work with people at the acute end, when they don’t want help or medications and can’t see anything but their illness. For a short period, cruel to be kind is the only option other than you leaving her. She may well threaten to leave you if she was temporarily sectioned under the mental health act or if they started her under community care, but with time she will get better and if you are still there to support her, you should get your wife back. Honestly I think she has a quiet psychosis going on, from the strange thoughts about cannibis. I hope I haven’t offended you, you sound like the most loving husband but you deserve happiness.

It also crossed my mind about psychosis, and I wondered if her reaction to cannabis might have been because of possible previous experience of it. (I do some work in medium secure clinics with individuals who have schizophrenia and have self medicated with cannabis in the past, with disasterous results for them which have resulted in them being hospitalised).

Anyway, none of us can or shoud attempt to diagnose over the internet although it might help to throw out ideas from experience... and what you're describing sounds a very complex picture. Agorophobia is one thing, but the controlling behaviour towrds you is another altogether. I hope she and you both get the support you need.

Thankyou to everyone who has commented, you don’t understand how much you have helped me, I haven’t spoken to anybody about this and it’s great to get some views from other people.

Also I am aware I have loosely thrown around terms throughout. Just to be clear I paid for a private therapist for her and she assessed her as agoraphobic. The therapist did not have a true understand of the situation as I mentioned above.

Is there a basis for me to have her assessed for mental health? I’m sure she wouldn’t admit it to them either!

(Not offended by anything said, I welcome all discussion)

Was the private therapist a Clinical Psychologist, or a Psychiatrist? I would agree that full mental health assessment is needed. You can speak to the GP about this. You don't have to remain in the relationship, even if you go down this route.