I was in a 6 year relationship which has very recently ended.
Before I met him, I was single for a VERY long time. Some of that time I was happily single and not looking to meet anyone, some of it I was actively dating. The dating was 98% shitshow - you name it and I encountered them, to paraphrase Bridget Jones - alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomanics, male chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts...plus druggies, racists, ghosters. You get the idea.
I was pretty disillusioned and jaded and can honestly say that in 5 years of dabbling on and off with dating I didn't meet anyone who didn't fall into the above categories (some fit into several of them). So I decided to think about what I wanted, some kind of cosmic ordering, to work out what was important to me.
And I decided that I wanted someone who I found attractive physically and mentally, who was intelligent (not necessarily uni educated, but had views about the world and was articulate enough to express them), had a similar earning capacity to me and was also financially independent, who valued my intelligence at least as much as my physical appearance, who wanted a relationship not just casual dating ad infinitum. Who was generally respectful of women, and who didn't have issues with alcohol or drugs. Someone who could mix with my friends, my professional colleagues and my family and not feel uncomfortable or out of their depth. Who made me laugh and who was kind to me, and whose company I enjoyed being in. Who enhanced my life rather than drained it.
And I met my Ex and he pretty much ticked all those boxes. He was my ideal man physically/ lookswise, and he was also reasonably well off/ successful, wasn't looking to play the field, apparently quite well adjusted etc.
Over the ensuing years I've realised that as well as ticking all the above (and even other things that weren't on my list, like he's a great cook) he also had a number of issues. Last year we split up, and I discovered he'd been unfaithful to me. He has issues around sex which are very deeprooted and linked to traumatic past events. His MH is also poor, this has been ongoing for many years. And most recently, there was an incident which he refuses to apologise for, choosing to blame me for feeling upset that he poked me in an argument to 'make a point' and can't see why that isn't an appropriate thing to do to me, despite knowing I'd previously been in a relationship involving domestic violence.
So that's the end of things between us. Obviously it will be a while before I can even consider another relationship, but I'm trying to learn from this and thinking again about my wants list. One thing I noticed when we were together was that he didn't do much for me 'just because'...you know the guy who brings his partner flowers? Or surprises her with a gift? Or mows the lawn, or cleans her car? no, none of that, ever. He bought me flowers about 5 times in total. He did sometimes warm my side of the bed on a cold night, or bring me a towel when I was in the shower, but not many other meaningful gestures. Would I be wrong to want more of this?
Although I felt quite secure in the relationship, he also wasn't committed to me in the fullest sense, everything we talked about was always 5 years ahead. I would have liked an engagement ring. He made noises about it once, briefly, never happened.
Things also often got left to me to arrange even though I was always much busier than him. He never took the initiative to do anything to help me (even though I often did for him).
I think these are all things I'd like in my next relationship whenever that might be...am I being fair to expect this? How do I ensure I get what I want?