Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

No interest in proposal

27 replies

RandomMoth · 13/04/2020 23:37

I have been with DP for a few years now and very much would like to be engaged. My problem - he is not someone who plans or arranges anything. I could sit him down tomorrow and I think he'd agree, but I wouldn't feel confident it's what he wants. Do I just sit and wait indefinitely?

OP posts:

Original poster

RandomMoth · 13/04/2020 23:37

I don't need to rely upon him at all financially

OP posts:

glitterbiscuits · 13/04/2020 23:39

Ask him.

Original poster

RandomMoth · 13/04/2020 23:43

I don't want to marry someone who doesnt want me. If I ask him I'll never be sure he wanted to

OP posts:

FlowerArranger · 13/04/2020 23:46

Sigh. There's a thread about this at least once a week...

Just ask him. There is no law that it is up to the man to propose.

But also bear in mind that there is no point in being engaged unless a wedding is actually being planned and due to take place in the foreseeable future.

You don't want to find yourself posting at some point in the future that "my fiance and I have been engaged for 6 years but there's no sign of an actual wedding".

Rainbowqueeen · 13/04/2020 23:46

If you’ve been together a few years then he knows what he wants he just hasn’t expressed it. Does he know that you want to be married?

You need to remember that your needs and what you want are just as important as what he wants.
It worries me that you don’t feel you can say what you want. How is your relationship overall? Do you feel like a team?

I think you need to talk to him. A general chat about his views on marriage where you also share your views on marriage. Really listen hard to what he is saying and then you can think about what to do next. Ending it due to incompatibility May be something you will have to consider

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2020 23:47

Why don’t you feel he’d be honest if you had a cards on the table talk about it? If you’re in the place to be getting married - and that’s what you want, being engaged isn’t a meaningful thing - you need to be able to talk about these things. Don’t propose in a flowery way, just tell him you want to get married, why, when, how and see what he’s thinking. Have you ever talked about it? Don’t sit around like an extra in your own life. Why would you do that? It’s your life! He either wants the same things or he doesn’t. What will you do if he doesn’t?

BananaPlant · 14/04/2020 08:29

Have you not discussed where you see the relationship going? Marriage, children etc. Rather than just waiting for him to propose.

TorkTorkBam · 14/04/2020 08:33

If you have been together several years and has not asked you marry him that means he does not want to be married to you.

All men know, it is the social contract: the man proposes. Deciding to propose is a big deal for men.

More importantly why be with a man who plans and arranges nothing? Are you his mum and he is 5? Lazy ambitionless men make my vag clamp shut. Do you like it though?

oreoxoreo · 14/04/2020 09:13

After 3.5 years with mine I got to the same point, thinking is this as good as it gets?? Had never brought it up before. But one evening told him, I am in mental crossroads as I would like to move forward and would like to be engaged and get married and he'd better think of it, or let me know otherwise. He said he is short if funds at the moment (true) but he thinks of it and the proposal will definitely happen. So I am waiting!
Talk to him. You deserve to tell him at what you want in the future.

OhNoNoNoNotThatOne · 14/04/2020 09:14

Can't you just sit him down and say you'd like to get married and want to know his thoughts?

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 14/04/2020 09:19

My take on it is you shouldn’t marry someone who you can’t even have an open and horsing conversation about you’re wants and needs (in your case marriage) if they are the right person they will want to listen. Now are you not sure he would want to because A) deep down you don’t think he loves you. B) some archaic idea of romance that comes from Hollywood where the man asks the woman and that’s the only way to know if he loves you?

If it’s A then leave.
If it’s B- grow up it’s not real life.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 14/04/2020 09:21

Honest not horsing and Your not You’re sorry my autocorrect has a mind of its own.

overweightcat · 14/04/2020 09:25

Have you spoken to each other about if you both would want to get married / have children in the future?
Surely it's something that comes up at some point when you're in a committed relationship?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/04/2020 09:32

I don't want to marry someone who doesnt want me. If I ask him I'll never be sure he wanted to

But surely the same holds true for him?

Unless he's so much of a jelly that you think you saying "I want to get married" will make him say "OK sure" when really he thinks "fuck no" - and in which case, why would you want to marry someone without a backbone?

SliAnChroi · 14/04/2020 09:33

I FEEL like I have a lot of empathy for this situation. I was in it years ago however my mindset has changed 360 degrees since I was in this situation.

Think about why you're not bringing this up.

Are you afraid to ''rock the boat''?

If you're afraid to rock the boat that suggests you think you're lucky to have him!

If that's how you think, you can forget it. Game over. Relationship will be on his terms.

If you value yourself and understand that you can walk away and be single and/or meet somebody else, then you won't fear rocking the boat.

Just ask him. Say to him that you can no longer afford to prioritise the relationship if you're not going to be married.

And THIS IS TRUE! generally i mean, and if you have children later.

Honestly, I look back on how powerless I imagined myself to be when I was young with my whole life ahead of me. Why did i think I was lucky to have that bone.

Tell him * ''I can't afford to prioritise this relationship in my life if we aren't a married couple.''

And if he shrugs, from that moment on, de-invest.

SliAnChroi · 14/04/2020 09:39

''I don't want to marry someone who doesnt want me. If I ask him I'll never be sure he wanted to''

This is patriarchal bullshit which is keeping you on the backfoot. YOu need to know what he thinks so that you can make the RIGHT decision for your life.

Just ask him if he wants to get married but ask without any emotion. Ask him with a neutral tone of voice, no pressure (if you can do that) and then you will be able to see what he wants.

The crucial part of this puzzle is that you have to accept that he might not want to get married and he might tell you that (if you're lucky, if you're unlucky he'll fob you off with waffle for a few years).

Even if you believe he's the only one blah blah blah (sorry!) look in to what you would do if you were single. Look at other places to live. What other practicalities would you need to sort out if you split up? You must force yourself to run through all of these steps. Right a list. Marie kondo, throw out what you don't need. Look for somewhere else to live. Box up stuff. GO through all of these steps in your HEAD at least.

And then when you know you could do it. ASk him for the truth.

Your allowing this situation to continue, allowing him to hold on to the information you need in order to make an important decision because of a misguided romantic notion that he should propose in a certain way.

lovelydream · 14/04/2020 09:40

In the end I had to have a straight talk with my now DH

I told him I loved him enough to marry to him I didn't love him enough to stay with him and never be married.

I didn't say any more to him after that - he basically knew then that if he didn't think I was the kind of girl he'd marry then to let me go. He proposed a few months later....

myfav · 14/04/2020 09:43

You don't need to ask him to marry you as such you just need to tell him that you would like to get married and establish his feelings. After a few years DH has not asked me to marry him, his parents divorced when he was quite young and I think it put him off somewhat. I told him it was a dealbreaker for me. Shortly after he asked me to marry him. You need to know whether he's stringing you along or if he just needs a nudge in the right direction.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2020 09:45

Your post is confusing oreoxoreo, money for what, a ring or a wedding? Surely you both know the details of your shared finances and what you can afford. If you both want to get married then plan a wedding you can afford, the basics cost around £150, and get it done (once lockdown is over).

Do you want to be married or do you want a romantic demonstration of his love for you and a nice piece of jewellery. Why are you being passive and waiting for someone else to dictate this to you?

FlowerArranger · 14/04/2020 11:56

What @AnneLovesGilbert said! I find it infuriating how many young women still, in this day and age, hang around - sometimes for a decade or more! - and wait for a man to get his Rs in gear and propose. Or spend even longer being engaged, with no active plan to actually get married. It's like Women's Lib` or feminism never actually happened.

@RandomMoth... If you want to get married to this man, you have to tell him. And make it clear that this is non-negotiable. This means that you don't let him get away with waffling about some point in the future, when the time is right, after X, Y and Z have happened, et cetera.

Don't allow him to string you along with delaying tactics and excuses - especially that old chestnut about not being able to afford it just now or having to save up for the wedding. There's a wedding for every budget. Never forget that a wedding is the process of getting married, i.e. it is a means to an end.

In other words, take charge of your life and your destiny. It's what grown-ups do - and you will feel so much better about yourself once you know, one way or the other.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/04/2020 12:50

Jesus I'm so bored of these threads. Every week there's one from someone wanting a proposal but lacking the will to take charge of the situation. This is a legacy of generations of brainwashing about weddings and guff about romance which does a massive disservice to women.

Marriage is not about hearts and flowers, its a financial contract and a lifetime commitment. If you seriously want to do it, you need to be an active player in it.

Ask him. You'll be able tell from his reaction if he's interested or not. If he's not, end it and move on. Life's too short to wait for other people to dick about.

DangerCat01 · 14/04/2020 15:44

OP they’re right. I was one of those who was desperate for exDH to propose. We did eventually marry but that mealy-mouthed characteristic and self-serving way of going about things is the main reason I fell out of love with him and divorced him.

In the end I had to give the selfish fucker £50k to get out of MY house and he denied me having a baby. (Luckily I already had a DD). Why I was desperate to marry him when I was the by far financially better off is madness. I sometimes think, why did nobody stop me??

Getting married is an agreement to legally split what you own 50/50. Nothing romantic about that when things go to shit. I always tell me Dd to never marry unless she plans to make herself vulnerable by starting a family. That is what marriage is for and it should be discussed openly and honestly. This is your life FFS!

Take care and good luck.

userabcname · 14/04/2020 15:56

But surely you've discussed it in some sense? I was very clear from very early on with my now-dh that I wanted to be married before we had children. We had a tipsy conversation a couple of years in both saying we felt ready for the next step (marriage and babies) and a few months later he proposed. Most of my friends had some sort of conversation about it beforehand - I actually can't think of anyone I know who was proposed to completely out of the blue.

Kit19 · 14/04/2020 15:59

how old are you OP and how long is a 'few years'?

agree with PP though - just tak to him! i mean if you cant talk to him then what is the point? are you going to avoid difficult conversations forever?

Welshgal85 · 14/04/2020 16:09

I’m in a similar situation, I really want to take the next step in my relationship and know my partner wants to at some point too as we have discussed it but I suppose what I’m worried about is that I think I’m ready before he is! Also I don’t want either of us to feel pushed into anything.

I think we both just need to have honest conversations with our partners and perhaps come to a compromise of a timeline for things?

Flip

1 2