ExH told me that family life didn't fulfil him.

[bitoftartan]

Possibly just a hand hold but after my ex husband and I had a chat yesterday about his affair and our family, he agreed that he just wasn't fulfilled by family
Life . I am in tears all day. They just keep
Coming . I feel bereft. It was all a lie. What type of a married man with three beautiful children is not fulfilled by his family. Is this absolutely abnormal ?

What type of a married man with three beautiful children is not fulfilled by his family. Is this absolutely abnormal ?
One who becomes an ex.
You're grieving the life you should have had - had he been a better person. What man has THREE children before realising he doesn't want a family? This is not a failing in you, it's a failing in him.

I think it is probably more common then we think unfortunately but not many men would admit it.

Not everyone is cut out for family life I guess. It’s harsh but no-one truly knows what parenthood is like until you go through it.

I can understand your feelings though & it is sad.

Look to the future if poss - you will definitely know a quality to look for in any future partner. Hugs to you x

I’d understand it more if you had one child but three! Selfish man.

What type of a married man with three beautiful children is not fulfilled by his family.

A selfish one.

I’m so sorry. I find it odd that he feels he able to make the choice between having a family and not. Surely once you’re down that road theres no escape. I think we all pine for our old lives but that doesn’t mean we’d abandon our children.

Woman don’t get that choice do we.

Thanks. Even through lockdown he has chosen to remain with her rather than have kids over as always . She has left her own child with neighbours in a different city ,flouting all the laws with gay abandon. I'm utterly heartbroken.

@ShouldWeChangeTheBulb nope, the majority don’t and that’s what stands out about this situation to me.

Many people feel this way. Men are allowed to admit it a bit more, women aren't, we'd be demonized as utter monsters for it. Equally though, many people do love family life. The problem is you don't know how you will feel about it, until it's too late and those beautiful children are already born.

It's hard, it's shit OP. I'm so sorry you have been hurt like this. There is nothing that can be said that makes the pain go away - just always know that it's not a reflection on you, or your lovely DC, that your ex feels this way.

Fwiw my ex said something very similar to me. Told me he wasn't going to help with the DC because "you're the one who wanted them" and so on. It's horrible, awful. It breaks your heart.

Anyway years after our split he is a much more devoted father than he ever was while we were together.

So many people don't know what they've got until it's gone.

Rambling now. I can offer a handhold. I'm sorry x

OP I know it's easy for me to say but honestly, if this is how he feels then you're well shot of him. Others are right, he sounds very selfish - particularly only coming to this realisation after having three children. This is on him, not you. If he carries on like this he'll miss out on a whole load of incredibly rewarding experiences of his kids growing up. It sounds like he is trying to justify his affair ('it's not MY fault I didn't find it fulfilling'). I know it hurts at the moment but you will be far better off in the long run without him. for you

Two have my children have extra needs, not hugely difficult but challenging at times nonetheless . Knowing that he was bang in the middle of his affair while
One of them Was so full of fear and anxiety and that he refused to be at home or take an interest or help Out, is equally heartbreaking . Yes he was always selfish and I completely enabled that for a peaceful life as he was so disatisfied and angry with me and the kids.

FWIW I haven’t found family life and parenting my three kids “fulfilling” this past year. I think it is quite common to go through these patches. Doesn’t mean I can go off an have an affair though! What happened to taking up a hobby? He sounds very selfish to think this is a solution, and I’m sure he’ll soon be just as unfulfilled in his new relationship. Sorry OP.

My exDH told me he struggled with being married, shut down communication to avoid arguments. Resented me curtailing his life (we have 3 kids and he had a lot of free time for hobbies, work jaunts, see hos friends and family)

I literally have no clue what else I could have done. He lied pathologically, blaming me for his inability to tell the truth; he always said he was scared I'd go off on one.

Honestly, you're better off without him wrecking your life from the inside. It's so raw though, so very upsetting. You are grieving. It's not going to last forever though. That I can absolutely promise you.

My ex is still monumentally selfish. I stupidly had him round for dinner a few weeks ago for dc birthday. He talked at me about his cooking, poured himself drinks but not me, ate all round him, didn't help with the tidying up...you get the idea.

I'm very polite, and adverse to conflict and he knows this. He crossed a line though... blaming MY mother for his unhappiness, that she'd been difficult towards me, effectively stopping me from fulfilling my potential...WTAF???? And he was glad I could see what she was really like, after all this time. Never mind the fact he couldn't be bothered raising it with me at the time. Not supporting me at all but happy to take her £, time and generosity. (She is prickly though)

Sorry I'm blathering. Trying to process an unpleasant incident has just reinforced my opinion of him, he's not changed. I don't think he ever will.

You will come out of this, you will surpise yourself with your strength and resilience. You've no idea how powerful you already are. Believe in yourself and sod the bastard.

Very best of luck to you, OP.

I agree with @rvby that many people feel like this but women can't admit to it, and you don't know how you'll feel until it's too late. I'm not excusing his affair but I do think you're being a bit harsh when he's been honest. I have 2 kids and am a single mum. I had issues with DA but to be completely honest I could have put up with that, I found coping strategies, but the thing that led me to leave was being completely unfulfilled by marriage. We wanted different things and the thought of spending the rest of my life not fulfilling those needs killed me.

I settled into motherhood surprisingly well and was desperate for lots of kids so had a second within 2 years and the second hit me like a ton of bricks. I found it SO much harder and life got so much worse after the second baby; so much harder to do anything fulfilling, less money to spend on fulfilling my needs, more tired so less motivated to do anything satisfying. Some people may say it's selfish but life's too bloody short to live it feeling so unfulfilled.

I'm so much more fulfilled now, I can do all the things my husband didn't want to and although I still have the constraints of the kids they just come along for the ride.

needtoget aren’t you missing the point that he’s dropped his kids like a ton of bricks? Yes life is short, but you support your children.

Do not accept any of this as your fault he had an affair. Lots of people find family life (or at least the relentless nature of it) a bit crap, they don’t go off and have affairs though.

I just wanted to add that I think lots feel like this. I think my ex craved the fun life we had pre kids and didnt like the constraints. A pp is right, they don't know what they have till it's gone. You will get through this.

It wasn’t all a lie if what YOU felt was real, especially your love for your children.

You and they are still a complete family without him, albeit a slightly different one. He sounds like an idiot with a awful new partner. They deserve each other.

Thanks for your messages . I have found it extremely challenging at times, to be a mother. Like many of us, it can wear you down but upping sticks and falling into the arms of another man never crossed my mind . You are all right . He is a selfish bastard. I'm afraid that I wil allow myself to be reeled in by similar types in the future such are the depth of my efforts to try to appease.

It’s not a reflection on you or your children, it’s a reflection on him. It’s his loss. Chances are he will find life with her gets unfulfilling too and he’ll drift through life wandering from here to there and never seeing the good things right in front of him. Whereas you do see the good and enjoy it.

@timeisnotaline sorry yes I did miss that point and still can't see in the OP where it says he has dropped them all and doesn't see them? He definitely shouldn't have had an affair but leaving if you're unfulfilled is ok. You can still see the kids and be a part of their life without being married. If a woman was posting that they had an unsatisfying marriage we'd all be telling her to LTB and move on. But an affair is 100% not the right way to go about it.

Needtogetback sure, everyone should have the right to leave if their unfulfilled, however I still would say what constitutes “fulfilled” should say a lot about the person. If you’re partner’s become a vegan asexual and you’re a nymphomaniac who loves steak, then, yes, perfectly understandable.

If your partner’s unfulfilled because those pesky kids mean you don’t have the energy to be the sexy, lively person you once were, you have to have discussions about things like money rather than just blowing the budget on whatever you fancy or even the fact you’re looking older or got ill (it’s so much more fulfilling to not have a partner who’s a drag, and you can spend the time they’re with their mum/dad with cute Jenny from Accounts who’s ten years younger and got a crush on you / Joe the hunky manchild from the gym) then I would venture some judgement should be - if not in order - at the very least understands expected.

*understandably expected

you can spend the time the kids* are with their mum/dad - sorry, typed too fast

Yes@Needtogetbackinthesack .. He chose to move her in a few nights a week during lockdown ensuring that he didn't get to see kids. Because there were four households involved and they decided to ignore lock down measures, I asked him
To choose between having the kids or girlfriend . He chose the girlfriend.