ExH told me that family life didn't fulfil him.

[bitoftartan]

Possibly just a hand hold but after my ex husband and I had a chat yesterday about his affair and our family, he agreed that he just wasn't fulfilled by family
Life . I am in tears all day. They just keep
Coming . I feel bereft. It was all a lie. What type of a married man with three beautiful children is not fulfilled by his family. Is this absolutely abnormal ?

It's not for everybody, but there is a passive societal pressure saying that family is the way to go. I'm not surprised that a lot of people give it an honest try before accepting it's not for them. The unfortunate thing is that family almost invariably means that children are produced and women are generally going to be more attached to their children than the father.

I literally cannot imagine having the mindset "I'm not enjoying this family life, I know: I'll just leave them and do my own thing."

Cannot fathom it. And I'm usually quite good at relating to other people's perspectives.

How can they live with themselves? Where's their pride??

I don't think it's about pride, I think it's about desperation. I don't think until someone has been there they can understand. And once again I'm NOT saying that having an affair is the way out but lots of other ways 'out' aren't great either. I took my kids 100 miles away from the only life they've ever known and away from a high income family, and I was unemployed and living with my mum for a while. Because I was feeling the same as OPs husband was feeling. People tell me on a daily basis what an inspiration I am and how brave I was and what a great example I am setting for my children for not putting up with a shit life, but it seems if a man does it he's cowardly. And as ninja said, there's a lot of pressure but it's not for everyone. I guess I can see both sides of the story and although his method was wrong I don't really disagree with anyone making a better life for themselves

But Needtogetbackinthesack you say you took your kids with you - that's what I mean about having no pride, walking away from them.

It's the abandonment of those who need you that I condemn. You didn't do that, you made a better life for yourself and your dc by the sound of it.

And I really do understand the desperation, I was self-harming every day by the end of my marriage. But I could no more have left the dc than I could've flown to the moon.

Don't speak to him about it. Honestly I'd bet he says it because he knew it would hurt you. x

It’s not always fulfilling but that’s not a reason to go off with someone new.

I don't think its that unusal to not be fulfilled by family life - humans are multifaceted, you'd need to be quite one-dimensional to find that you got literally all your joy from your kids, surely?

That said, absolutely no excuse for him to walk out on you. He did that because he wanted to.

Needtogetback I’m guessing there must have been some kind of abusive situation for you to have to take your kids 100 miles away from their dad though? Otherwise, if it were just “your not a bad dad, but this whole family life thing isn’t doing it for me” then, whilst I get you had your needs at least you had the choice to take action - your ex-husband has to like it or lump not seeing his kids now and there’s nothing he can do about it. So guessing he wasn’t bothered about not seeing the kids himself?

In my experience, that translates as they are shagging or wanting to shag someone else.

It’s horrible op 💐

Op I am sorry you have been let down so badly by such a prick but I dont understand why you are utterly heartbroken now. You found out what a wanker he was which is why he is an ex.

Let it go, dont let him invade your thoughts for another second, it just isnt worth it.

Sending you lots of good vibes.

I was married to someone like this and I think more men than you realise feel the same. I suspect a few women too. Family life is hard and a drudge a lot of the time but it is also the best thing ever. You are better off without him.

OP, he is just trying to gaslight you and offload the blame for his affair.
“You didn’t make family life fulfilling enough for me, so I had to go and have an affair instead.” See how selfish and stupid that sounds when spelled out? It’s all just retrospective “justification” to make him feel better about his utterly unacceptable behaviour.
I’m very concerned that you say you have a need to appease, and are likely to choose a similar partner in future. Please don’t start any new relationships until you have had counselling to unpick why you go for these dreadful men. You deserve so much better. And their problems are not of your making - you do not have to try to fix them, or walk on eggshells to meet their unreasonable demands while having none of your own needs considered.

Sorry to hear this, for both you and your children. Has he taken any responsibility for any of this? Or is he just blaming everyone else?! Having children is challenging but you can’t just walk away?!

agree he's just retrofitting his affair to justify his actions. It's the Script - it's your fault he had an affair . It's gaslighting.

If you have children, you can't decide family life isn't for you! If you aren't happy in your marriage you leave it, or fix it, you don't shag someone else. He's just a piece of work.

I know it's heartbreaking OP, but there's nothing you can do once someone's checked out of a relationship and justified it to themselves. My ex has similarly put his gf first and isn't seeing the children at all/

@LightenUpSummer but one of the parents has to have the kids? If you "leave" your marriage you don't agree to split custody on the day you separate, it usually takes months of discussions and sometimes court. So for that clean break to happen usually someone ends up with the kids and someone doesn't?

@tossa I moved 100 miles for financial reasons. I couldn't afford to be an unemployed single mum in london, he wouldn't amicably agree finances so I had to go somewhere cheaper. I would have much preferred to stay in London and continue my life as it was, but instead had to move in with my
mum while I sorted childcare and a job. Their dad sees them weekly in my house at the moment, likely to move to fortnightly in his house soon once he's reestablished a relationship with them (because despite saying how they're on so important to him, he barely made an effort for 8 months and didn't see them for 7)

Not everyone is cut out for family life I guess. It’s harsh but no-one truly knows what parenthood is like until you go through it

Yeah, but you know, it's not as if you can just put the children back! And usually it's the mother who is left doing "family life" while arsehole men go off to find a 20 year old themselves.

Make sure you start with 50/50 shared care, OP so he realises he has responsibility for three human beings he made.

You really sound amazing op, u sound like a wonderful mother and person. You really are stronger than you think. Even to get up and parent your 3 children every day after what you have been through is amazing. How hard it must be to realise that he was not invested fully in your family when one of your kids was going through such fear and anxiety. My hope for u is that in time to come, u will find peace and happiness and that u will not let him consume your mind any longer. You will in time let go of all the hate and hurt and replace it with just tolerance of him for the sake of your kids. You deserve so much more and better, happier times are on the way to u 💐

He's not to bright is he?

He doesn't like family life so he gets with a woman who has a child.
What does he think is going to happen with her?

She'll most likely want family life too and possibly another baby.
smdh

my xH was like this. Left me and the two young kids (4 and 7 at the time) and a couple of weeks later was with another woman, he'd not been fulfilled, he wanted our old exciting life, going out, cinema, pubs, socialising etc (we were still doing a lot of this around the kids but obviously not enough for him). Except she also had a child so once the glow wore off (and I pointed it out to him it was a little ironic he left his family because he couldn't cope with family life only to end up as stand in dad for another kid) he split with her too. roll on ten years, I've rebuilt mine and my kids lives though still feel guilty sad and angry at what they've been through as a result of his selfishness, and just recently he said to me that had he known how everything would ultimately revolve around the kids and how big a part of our lives they would be he might have been able to think differently about things and get through that patch. I think he realises we still get on, the kids are amazing, I am fabulous and it all could have been very different. Give me strength!!! As someone said, they don't know what they've got til it's gone. In my exs case very literally, but it has taken him ten years to realise it. Fucking moron! Huge hand hold here, you will get through this and come out stronger. More cynical, less trusting but also more resilient and a whole lot tougher.

Hang on - she's left her child with a neighbour in another city and moved in with your XH? Is that right?

Sounds like they deserve each other if this is the case. What a pair...

It is not your job to fulfil him. It is no one's responsibility to fulfil him and to put the responsibility to fulfil some unnamed internal hole within himself on his children and wife is ridiculous and unfair.